I first began working on this web page in January 1999. It has taken me a long time to reach the point I am at now. However, along the way I have also taken some steps in my life to try and help myself.

I have had a lot of trouble dealing with this past experience, so at the beginning of March I tried to help myself. Very few people knew what I had been through, and hardly anyone knew how I felt about the incident, myself, and my life. I could not handle anything on my own anymore. I had so much school work, and a lot of due dates to meet, but unfortunately because of lack of concentration, constant nightmares, and flashbacks, I was unable to meet these due dates. I took a trip to the doctors at the University to try and get a doctors note as an excuse. I broke down crying. I finally opened up for some help. It was the hardest thing I had to do.

Luckily for me I was given a very nice understanding woman doctor. She listened to me and asked me several questions. It was so hard to talk. She asked me if I would see a counselor and she agreed to call one for me. I see this doctor on a regular basis now as she is trying to help me.

I began seeing the counselor a week later. It has been so difficult. My first time there I felt like crying. I have felt on the verge of tears so many times in there but have not allowed myself the chance to cry while I was with her. I usually cry once I get home and I am alone. Although, I feel like her little office is one of the very few places I am allowed to feel safe. I feel like no one will hurt me in there. Yet it is still very hard to open up, say everything on my mind, and describe what I am feeling to her. I also admit I do not want to say certain things because I do not know how she would react to me. As much as I try to say these things, they just will not come out of my mouth.

I have been fortunate to receive two wonderful woman to talk to. This makes it a lot easier on me. I felt comfortable with both of them immediately...although it is very hard to open up and talk about something I have never spoken about.

I plan on continuing to see them both as long as they will see me or until I feel like I can deal with everything on my own. Until now, I have been silent and have dealt with this all alone. I do not want to try and survive on my own anymore.

I am so proud of myself for taking the step to seek help. After I did this I told my mother which was also very hard. She was very supportive which I am thankful for. After I told her I wrote a letter to my family answering some questions they might want to know and also told them what I need from them right now. I was praised by my supports for being so courageous. This type of encouragement from others who care help me to respect myself.