so, obviously i have quirks. i can't explain them, i can't avoid them, i can't override them. but. i will not apologise for them. you see? i suppose that is one of my good quirks - i refuse to let outside voices try and make me feel incompetent and impossible because of behaviour i cannot control. further, i refuse to compromise my safety by putting myself in a triggering situation no matter how i look when doing so.

thinking about cigarrettes, matches, ash-trays and lighters make me gag. typing the words or saying them out loud make me gag. seeing the items for more than a blink, wether it be a picture, on tv or in real life can make me gag. it causes my thoughts to spend minutes after the encounter conjuring up images of the items obsessively creating a great uneasy feeling. it does not lead me to throw up, but it makes me physically ill for a while inside.

yes. i know it's irrational. no, i don't know why i feel this way; i have as far back as i can remember. no, i cannot pretend this reaction won't happen if you mention these things or try to show me any of the items involved (note how i cannot bring myself to type them again.) accept. do not try to force me to encounter the items because 'you've got to see this!' - if your urge to show me this is so strong that you would force me to feel ill so that i can see it despite my requests that you stop, what does that say?

luckily, it was just a bus-stop, and it was easy enough just to walk away. snarf.

of course, there are plenty of more quirks that lead to various reactions. some of them are sense related, some of them are just plain mental. the point is, as many as there are, they do not limit me as much as they seem to limit others around me. i learnt early on that some things just are the way they are, and the one thing i can do is protect myself when i can and ride it out when i cannot. it seems to work.

sensory triggered:

i have a problem with waste management. first, there is the actual garbage. i happily take out the trash, but i have to armor myself for the possibility that it might make me vomit. i don't mean oozing, dripping, horrid garbage - i mean normal trash with the lightest scent. it's hell doing recycling, having to open those lids and have smells woft out at me. i'm not just overcome with a gagging reaction - i will throw up.

same thing goes for canned catfood. opening it up and serving it will a) make me gag because of the smell and b) make me gag and possibly vomit because of the consistency of the catfood, the wetter the grosser. the nightmare is when scooping it out i accidently get some goop on my hands - iiiiick! as much as i loved having three cats, feeding time could be.. rough.

when it comes to dirty dishes, there are several issues that will affect the manner which i am able to do them. a) i can do my own dirty dishes with no problems, but if somebody else has put their own dirty dishes on top of mine it can put me off for several days. i am severely grossed out by other peoples dirty dishes. b) i hate coffee mugs and try to never drink out of them or wash them if i have to. i have this sense that they are never really clean. it comes from back home when my mother would store all sorts of crap in the mugs, then wash them and have them back in regular use (i'm talking buttons, pencils, needles and thread, that sort of thing.)

note that i have no problem changing diapers or wiping up cat-vomit (unless it's unusually smelly, that is.)

mental crap:
basically, i get insanely horrified if...