"Mom, mom, look at that girls bracelets! Those are so pretty, do you think you could buy me bracelets like that? Why not? Well they're pretty.."

I turned to her and said "Would you like one?". She nodded as if she thought I was joking, but as I started to pull one of them off, a big, excited smile spread on her face. Just as I was getting it off I remembered that I had a piece of left over metallic green xmas tree garland stuffed in my bag that I could give instead, so I did. As we got on the bus, her mom began to tie it around her neck, but I stopped her, hauled out some black sewing thread and tied it together properly.

"You have everything in that little purple purse, don't you?"

As an answer, I pulled out a perfectly sized little piece of paper and a pen and jotted down my phone number and available hours for future baby sitting purposes. As we got off the bus and parted, the woman shouted to me: "By the way, she's Morgan, and I'm Alyssa!" I do hope she calls. I could use some cash, and I'm getting more and more confident that I can do this baby sitting thing, thanks to Angela and Garrett.

As I got home last night, someone had called and left a voicemail message in the form of a hangup, so I assumed it was my dad (heh). I called home only to find that it wasn't, he was asleep. "How's the money situation?" As usual I said a "Fine..", he asked me how much I will need for bills this month, I told him the same sum as every month for a year now, and he groaned. Heh.

I'm more and more feeling like there's not all that much to go back home to. It's not that there aren't people I miss, or want to see and talk to, and it's not that I don't go bonkers sometimes thinking of Ronneby (my hometown) or just.. simple things like Swedish TV, or the sound of people speaking Swedish. I do, often. I'm also realistic, though. Last summer is just all too clear in my memory. Yeah, it was cool to be back the first week or two. By week three, I was just so... bored, and overcome with all the feelings that were the reason I left in the first place.

But I've mentioned this in the past. I know.

I don't know what there is to do about it either. I don't really want to make new friends back home, because early August I'm leaving for America again, yet if I DON'T, I'll spend the entire summer in silence (well,I don't know. Maybe Ninnie is back in Sweden, maybe she never left after all, or something. I don't know. And maybe Maria will be there for a while, and maybe she won't. *shrug*)

Ever since I got here, I've been asked if I plan on going back home to Sweden to live once my studies are done, or if I plan on staying. I know that whenever I talk to my mother, I hint that I may not spend all 4 years here studying after all. That's a lie. I think she knows it, too, but we both pretend it isn't. I just don't find any reasoning for ending my studies after 3 or 4 semesters, with nothing but a half finished BA and a ton of debt to show for it.

Right now, I don't feel like I could live there at all. There are very few jobs, and all I have is an interrupted educated from a tiny University in USA, lousy High School grades and no real work experience, to top it off. I have no desire whatsoever to study anything in Sweden (or Swed_ish_), but would have to in lack of other things (unless I want to 'temp' at a job for half a year with minimal pay, and no employment after it's over.) to do.

And.. I just feel more right, here. I'm not as scared of doing things on my own, I'm not as easily intimidated by little things like going to McDonalds, and heh, I don't even fear being taunted for my looks, the way I dress, or the way I use dinky make up and accessories sometimes. I feel... free. How pathetic does that sound? Well. It's true. It's the strangest feeling, heh.

Growing up placed me in this tiny little pockets with very little possibility of escape. It wasn't one that I particularly enjoyed. I was the weird, fat chick who hung out at the library every day, the sister, daughter, cousin and granddaughter of people who knew Everybody but knew no one herself.

I suppose it's quite an accomplishment to be 21, having lived 20 of those years in the same, small town, and only have 2 people to call friends, one acquired at age 16, the other at age 19, none which I've had regular contact with since last summer. Whatever.

I don't really like to voice it, but I have a feeling I'll be staying in this country for a while longer. *shrug* It just makes more sense to me.

However, that doesn't mean I necessarily will stay in North Carolina. Yesterday I had a sudden flash of something I might want to do in a year or so - I might transfer to a school in *** **** or *** ******. Sorry, I can't type the names just yet, because I don't want to jinx it, or seem too folish. The thing here, you see, is that both my room mate Aziza and my friend Gene will graduate next spring. That would leave me alone with an apartement that I'd have to lease again with an un known new room mate, or staying at my school's dorms, or.. something.

Well. I really, really like my school. I like the people here. I like North Carolina/The Triangle. But it's kind of starting to drive me nuts. It's getting too.. small. I know that makes no sense but.. *sigh* I really, really believe that I am a city kid inside. I love the beauty and serenity of small towns like Ronneby, where I grew up, and Chapel Hill, where I live right now, but... it grates on me every now and then. I can't even say why.

I need more people, more places to go, more things to do, more concrete, argh. *** **** is a place I've phantasized about living in since I was tiny (obviously, aeons ago.) Gene might be there, and his friends, which would be a plus because that means that I'd at least know one or two people there, and it frightens me too much to go to a place with absolutely no one I know the slightest, but even if he isn't (this is hardly a "Hey I'll stalk a friend and cling!" thing. This is something I've wanted for a long time, and this just happens to be a good possible circumstance.) it just feels like a place where I could be. Whatever.

Shh. I'll just quietly start to look at Uni's and College's in that area and see if I can find a small one with a tuition similar to this one's. I'm even willing to live in a dorm, heh. I wouldn't be there until the fall of 2000 anyways, so by then I will have a work visa, and be able to slave around and make a bit of money. It's just a thought. But it's a nice thought. Shhh. I'm not mentioning it again for a while because I'll look enough as an ass when it falls through.