my mood as of last posting ...

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weblog archive 6: 7/02 - 1/03

I guess I will start this year with a BIG thank you to all my friends & loved ones (not that these are mutually exclusive.)  I am grateful that I have a big family who cares about me in their own self-centered ways, as I care about them in my own self-centered way.  :)  I am happy that I have many friends, both close ones & casual ones --- depending on what I'm in the mood for.  I am especially overwhelmed (as usual) when I reflect on how my Galahad has positively affected my life and who I am as a person. 

I know you're wondering why I'm suddenly gushing out loud.  I usually gush much more privately or at least individually.  My brother gave me the news a few days ago that a mutual friend of ours (although my brother  was much closer to him) who we've known since our teen years died on Christmas Eve.  I just found out that it was suicide.

He was 34 years old and had two children.  Since he left no note, they weren't sure at first if it was suicide or homicide.  I guess someone figured it out; yet we'll never know exactly why.  I have no problem with people choosing that way to end their pain.  I just wish he had left something to help his children along their journey in life.  They will spend many years in therapy and/or confusion wondering if they were perhaps to blame.

Ric, I'm so sorry you had such a painful life and were not able to find the joy to sustain you.  I hope whatever afterlife there is or isn't brings you peace at last.

To those of you looking for happiness in drugs, I can tell you that you won't find it there.  I have no solid advice for how to find your own peace & happiness.  I know I found mine in my knight in shining armor --- my ever-amazing Galahad.  I also know that you can't normally find it  from another person, so I guess I must have been ready to find it within me and needed a guide to get there. 

Look for your guides anywhere & everywhere.  Accept them when you think you've found one and ask your trusted friends their opinions.  Mayhap some people never find their peace except through death.  I'm an optimist these days, so I believe everyone can find it somewhere as long as you keep searching and working on yourself.  But, I've also been in the deep wells of despair that seemingly have no way out, so I judge no one who takes the route of suicide as the way to end their pain.

Maybe you just know that because of all the bad choices you made, there is no way out.  Dunno...  Weird that he went that path and my brother & I took our own paths.  Ric always seemed so cheerful.  He always had a smile on his face.  We hung out with a pretty dysfunctional crowd.  I wonder where some of the other ones are.  I think my brother and I have lost more friends (most before 20) than most people lose in a lifetime.  Maybe growing up in Miami in the 80's was to blame or maybe we just gravitated to the other people in psychic pain since we could relate to them.  I'm so glad I'm not in that mental state anymore although I guess being there and escaping it gives me a ton of compassion to others who are there and can't find their way.

I'm not the type of person who makes New Year's resolutions.  I feel that if I want to improve myself, then I should just start whenever instead of waiting until January 1 and making a big deal of it. 

It's weird to be at this stage of my life.  I never thought I'd be this age somehow and still feel like a kid.  I have no idea what I thought a grown up feels like but this isn't it.  2003 sounds so Jetsons-ish and yet I still feel like me in a regular world.  Gah, I think I'm making no sense here, so I'll stop.  :)

I did have a fantastically crazy dream last night.  Wanna hear it?  hehe, like you have a choice....just please promise not to lock me up without my Internet and a picture window.  :)

I ended up in some urban gangsta' hideout (which they were getting ready to show with a real estate agent so they were tidying a bit) and the backyard was a nice wooded lot.  Anyway, upon leaving, I passed the obligatory crackho who asked if I had an extra credit card. I walked into some motel-esque type of place (with wet paint) where I was hoping I could call a cab.  Somehow I ended up having to cook!!!!  With this large elaborate apron-looking pancake batter distributor with grid-like holes in the bottom.  Wtf?  And the batter had sliced carrots in it.  Ewwww!   Then this really LARGE drunk woman takes her top off and presses her boobs up against the window from the outside. This whole time, I was traveling on business and got separated from my party cuz I hopped on a Disneyworld tram and it wrecked.  Anyway, I tried calling my associates to see where they were and they were all mellow on merlot so I couldn’t get an intelligible response from them.  

Between my new Ethernet modem (fucking BellSouth) and our damn video card (fucking NVIDIA), I got all stressed out today.  And then, after getting hit on by a CompUSA employee (or two) and given a sourpuss from the lady at checkout cuz she didn't like my signature on my credit card (that Cranky Carol), I went in search of chicken soup at Wolfie's for my Galahad.  And it was gone!

/sob

Omfg, no more Wolfie's! 

/takes a moment of silence

Now where was I going to find good chicken soup for my health-challenged Galahad?  I was right near the largest retirement community, so I was sure there would be another deli nearby.  After listening to one woman give me the most randomly vague directions for 15 minutes to Chez Michael (wtf?), I drove off in search of the Holy Grail of Chicken Soup.  I found a deli/diner combo and thought maybe this would do.  The owner was an ass who obviously doesn't want my repeat business.  Apparently they don't like to do take-out that isn't specifically on the menu.  I could buy a cup of soup but not a quart.  Wtf?

My good friend has been asking (well...more like hinting) for mention on this page for weeks.  Somehow, I never know how to work him into this, so this will have to suffice as his honorable mention.  (He is extremely honorable, btw.  ;))   Hmmm....what else can I say about him?  He is one of the best people I know and so fucking funny.  [Gah, I feel like I'm writing a speech for school about a dead president.] 

This morning I tried not to wake him up too early since we stayed up very late last night, plus he's still sick.  By 11 am, I couldn't stand it any longer, so I woke him up and asked him if he still needed to sleep.  :)  He decided he could get up finally.

He brought in a ton of presents from the garage (who knew he hid them there?) and put them under the tree.  I know this is gonna sound corny, but it's the truth.  I really have everything I need or want, so there's not too much he could get me.  He managed to pick the best gifts though.  Here comes the corniness....  Brace yourselves....

I had given him his first present, the Scotch I had just happened to find on Monday.  It's one that came highly recommended although we had never heard of it -- Lagavulin.  Anyway, I convinced him to break open the bottle for medicinal purposes since his throat was sore.  Omg he fell in love with it.  Maybe it was the delirium talking or maybe it's that good.  Hahaha, he used all those words that they write on the back of the bottle --- peaty and such.

Dear Santa

Hahaha, omg!  I am such a bad care-taker (care-giver?).  My poor Galahad is feeling a trifle under the weather.  So, I decide I can take care of him for once.  Meanwhile, he bought all this food, so all I have to do is heat it up.  Shouldn't be that hard, right?

Yesterday afternoon he asks me to cook the pizza he bought.  It’s a HUGE fucking pizza, and it is supposed to go directly on the rack.  Anyway, I don’t have a tray big enough for it so it has to go directly on the rack.  I put it in just fine.  It was the taking it out that was a problem.  It spilled all down the back  --- cheese & toppings fell everywhere!  Yuck!   :(   So, I closed the oven, and said I’ll clean it later when it cools down.

And I promptly forgot all about it until we were ready for bed.  So, at 1 am, I take a look.  I get the brilliant idea of the self-cleaning feature and decide to try it.  I have no idea how it works, so of course I start it.  At 2AM, I’m starting to panic ‘cuz I wanna go to sleep but I’m scared I’m going to burn the house down with the fucking oven.  [Btw, I have a childhood trauma that involves setting our kitchen on fire at age 9 or so.  No I wasn't hurt physically only emotionally.  The kitchen wasn't as lucky.]   

I managed to stop (I think but I'm not sure 'cuz I have no idea how it actually works) the cleaning feature at 1:30 or so, but it’s still very hot.  Plus, the whole house smells toxic.  Galahad is like wtf?  I start opening windows (even though it’s so cold) because several people have died here lately from carbon monoxide poisoning.  No idea if I can get that from an oven, but at 2:30AM I’m delirious and not taking chances. 

So, we went to sleep with the windows open wide and the ceiling fan on, huddled under our down comforter. 

Then we rushed off to my father's house to view the Boat Parade.  This is a parade of holiday-decorated (mainly with lights) boats & yachts that parade up & down the Intracoastal Waterway.  It was a nice party with a mixture of odd (but amusing) people.

And my darling Galahad noticed.  Gah, he is the best.

I had to go through a police security check to get into the Convention Center Parking garage.  I'm thinking this is because it shares with Port Everglades, where all the cruise ships leave from.  Of course that got me all paranoid because of that cruise ship virus.  I was trying to hold my breath the whole time.   :p

[Btw, yes I still have this migraine but it's not one of the worst ever, so I am still grateful for that.  Hahaha, whatever I have to tell myself to get through my day.]

Anyway, their English was only slightly better than my Czech.  Yeah, exactly.  Thank goodness I was medicated.  Language barriers and shyness do not make a comfortable combo for me.  Galahad was busy in the kitchen with his mom (one of the few times I wish I knew what I was doing so I could go help, too.)  So, I was the lucky one who got to entertain.  Hahahahaha.

Well, I suppose that's not 100% accurate.  I started to get sick, but then my killer immune system bucked up and kicked some ass on those bad germs and got them the fuck out of my system.  :)  Yay!!!  I never get sick, so this must have been one hell of a bug going around.  I had body aches & chills on & off all day and I didn't have my normal hunger motivation.  Hehe, that's the biggest clue that I'm not quite feeling good.

So I spent most of yesterday catching up on book 4 of Harry Potter, moving from the couch to the bed and back to the couch again.  I knew I was starting to get a bit better when I could come back to the Internet and read email.  ;)

They picked some gay-trendy Thai restaurant/sushi combo, Galanga.  I don't really understand combining two different cultures, so I stuck with the Thai food since the employees were Thai.  The food was fabulous yet pricey.  Plus it was raining and somehow everyone forgets how to drive in the rain, so it took us almost 45 minutes to get there.  That's way too far for me when I need to eat.  I was getting cranky on the car ride.  Thank goodness Galahad was driving and distracting me with witty repartee. 

And, of course, wouldn't you know that I was the last one to get my food?  I ordered an appetizer as my main course, so I'm thinking it potentially should have been ready first.  Sigh. 

Our waitress was very sweet and got my water-no-ice order perfectly.  You'd be amazed at how many people screw that up.  Dessert was very tasty, too.  Some custard stuffed in a real mini-pumpkin.  Delicious yet not too sweet.

Omg, I think I passed every single state trooper and local police officer on duty & off on the way in.  My radar detector was singing like a banshee.  I had to drive 60 mph the whole way and come to full & complete stops at every stop sign.  Poor me  :( 

It turns out they closed a stretch of road here as a dry run for when they need to close it again to film a movie.  What movie you ask?  Well, none other than the literary giant, "The Fast & the Furious 2."   Did we need a second one?  Okay, maybe that's too judgmental especially since I never saw the first one, so how would I know how great it might be.

After work, I stopped by the mall (Ughhhh!!) to get ideas for Galahad's Christmas presents.  And perhaps to look at new boots for me.  ;)  I had to leave one of my favorite stores because the saleswomen really pissed me off.  They stood about 5 feet away from me and jabbered in Spanish, never once inquiring if I needed help, saying hello, or even making eye contact.  I decided that there was no way in hell that Nine West was getting my business right then. 

How come no one makes narrow shoes anymore?  I have thin feet and ankles, and all the boots I tried on were made for big fat American feet & ankles.  I can compensate a bit for the feet part by using inserts, but how do I make my ankles fatter?  And why would I want to just so that my boot fits?  Bastards!  Making me feel inadequate with my thin ankles!  C'mon say it with me... Fuckers!

Until...

Dinner at Wolfgang Puck's at Downtown Disney.  Yes, I'm predictable and got my usual pumpkin ravioli.  Omg, it's so good!

Anyway, we rush over there (only 20 minutes late...not too bad) to find out that it's being held in a gated trailer park.  Wtf?   Is there such a thing?  Omfg, this was the nicest trailer community I've ever seen  ---  new Cadillac's in driveways, brick foundations, wooden decks overlooking a lake in the back, perfectly landscaped & manicured lawns.  Who knew?

I had to take my main PC in to the shop today, so I'm already bumming about losing my DSL.  As I got dressed to leave, I decided to wear my brand spanking new sneakers so I could start breaking them in.  Seemed like a smart move to begin wearing them on short excursions.  It's not raining, so I wasn't afraid of muddying them at all.

I pop the trunk to my car before I pick up the PC to carry it out.  As I'm carrying it out, I hear a LOUD crunch under my foot and 2 seconds later, my car alarm starts going crazy.  The alarm is REALLY FUCKING LOUD, so I rush to put my PC down safely and find the alarm clicker to turn it off.  The alarm is now off (no idea why it spontaneously combusted like that), so I pick up the PC to put it in the trunk.  As I do this, I realize I twisted my back weird when rushing before and it hurts now.  Gah!!! Sucks to be me!   I close the trunk and am ready to go.

That's when I realize what that loud crunch was....   I had stepped on a rather large snail (guess its morning sucked worse than mine).  So, now my pretty new sneakers have gunk & gook on one of them.  EWWwWWWW!   I scrape as much as I can off on the grass and the street.

I'm off to the computer store.  Yay!   I get there and am holding my PC, when the owner looks at me, says hi, and then informs me that I have something on my jeans.  Gulp....  turns out the rest of the snail guts shot up my leg.   Nice!   Hi, I'm Wendy, and I have snail ICK all over me.   :-(

So here goes my attempt at a description...

I have a brunette base, and although I haven't seen my true hair color all over in ten+ years, I would guess it to be a medium to dark ash brown.  (Yeah, yeah, I know, wtf does that mean?)  Okay, so start with that, then add some red, maybe a dark auburn.  Mix in for a few years.  Then add boredom, which sparks some blonde striping.  So, the striping creates some blonde and some gold, depending on how much color was there when it hit.  Wait 2 months, add a touch more boredom, and rinse with some burgundy semi-permanent color.  This was great back when hair was dark red but gets a bit excessive on the blond parts.  So, there may be one or two pink spots now...  ;-)

Yes, today was strip-down-and-let-the-good-doctor-inspect-every-inch-of-my-hide day.  That's always an enjoyable experience, especially when the office temperature is set at about 68°F.  Laugh, I suppose it could be worse.  I could be a man and worried about shrinkage.  ;-)

But, I'm still vexed that I had to wait so long.  One woman got taken in ahead of others because she was there to get collagen injections.  Is her low self-esteem more important than my physical health?  Hehe, she probably pays in cash while my insurance pays whatever & whenever it damn well wants to.  I guess I would take her ahead of everyone, too.  ;-)

WARNING:  I am cranky right now and will probably (hahah no probably about it) rant...

I am sitting here buried in piles & piles of mail that has been preliminarily sorted into 2 piles, mine & Galahad's.  My pile is the smaller of the two.  His has just completely subsumed our entry table.

Mine is smaller only because I go through it more often than he does.  Laugh.  He does it only when it's forced upon him by the Wrath of Wendy needing some clutter-free space.  I can't stand clutter and the mail just makes me so crazy!  I think of all the money that companies spend on sending this trash into my house and invading my sanctum.  Then, there's the cost of my time to deal with it, wear & tear on my shredder, emptying the shredder and the subsequent vacuuming when it spills, Galahad having to lug it out to the curb (so to speak...this is Florida, we don't really have curbs) and the problem of landfill.

For a while, I was sending all the trash back in their convenient postage paid envelopes.  Sigh, I had about 3 or 4 a day going out.  That seems to take much more of my time than the shredder method, so I'm back to shredding (at least until it's time to empty it again).  Those postage paid envelopes are so small, so I had to do quite a bit of folding.  Oh, and let's not forget the time I spend washing my hands because they now feel like chalk from touching all that fucking paper.  And, I won't even go into the germ potential here....

I DON'T NEED ANY MORE CREDIT CARDS!!!!!!   LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!!!!!

I've decided to absolutely NEVER respond to any mailed offer so as not to reward them for their pestilence.

And, don't even get me started on telephone solicitations...

And, of course, I got nothing constructive accomplished.  The stack of mail is so huge, it's about to blockade the front door.  I am so sick of getting junk mail and 500 gazillion credit card offers a day.  :(

j00 kn0w sp34k h4x0r y0h! (translator)

However, that made me all the more ready to have a beautiful dinner!  We went to South Beach to try yet another Nobu creation.  The food was exquisite, yet the ambiance was lacking.   This one is located within the Shore Club hotel.

Kissing Hank's Ass

and some funnies....