my mood as of last posting ...

Archives:

blog archive 7: 1/03 - 6/03

Thank you to all who have helped to ease the burden of my angst.  And to those of you who didn't help much, I can only hope you learn compassion & strength at some point in your life.  I am better today, but I am just beginning a painful journey with a numbing destination.  I will try my hardest to carry my own weight; however I fully expect to stumble here & there.

On an unrelated topic which also gives me angst, I have my dermatological appointment tomorrow.  Wish me healthy cancer-free skin or at least small scars! 

Then, off to the office and a customer meeting in Miami.  I hate going down to Miami.  It took almost an hour's time to get there without traffic.  Fortunately I didn't have to drive, but....

I did get in the car with someone who immediately told me how great a driver she was.  She said she hoped she didn't scare me with how fast she was.  Good god!  She sat in the right lane while the other lanes whished by us.  I kept thinking we must be exiting soon.  Nope.  Unless you think 7 miles is soon.  :(

I was appreciative that she asked before she started smoking and then when I said no, she didn't get too pissy.  She is definitely part of the 99% of drivers who think she is better than average.  =p

On the way home from the office, I called one of my friends to hear a friendly voice.  I hate that so many of my friends are far away.  It's hard enough to coordinate talking with time zone differences let alone actually visiting.  He had me laughing & giggling by the time I pulled up in my driveway and the signal died (Fucking SprintPCS!)  I even took him with me when I stopped at the Whole Food store.  Another friend in Atlanta recommended Sibergin to me, which of course was nowhere to be found on the 4 aisles of supplements I perused.  I did find a multi-B supplement, which was also recommended.  And, I happened to find Stevia for Galahad's mom to try.  $30 & a tiny bag later, I left the store.  I imagine the health food freaks at the store were thinking I was some kind of freak, too.  There I was with my cellphone in my pocket, my earpiece on, giggling & laughing, and goofing with my mysterious phone friend.  =)  He's so awesome to talk to. 

Cat's out of the bag.  I'm a geek with a Psych degree and an overactive mind.  =p  My guy wasn't quite sure what to make of my experiment, but I think he's just happy that I'm trying something.  I'm so stubborn that I refuse to let this take over my life.  Enough is fucking enough.  I'm tired of being like this.   My mother has been dead long enough for me to deal with it, so I cannot understand why it might still be bothering me.  I still don't think it's her death that is actually messing me up, but I suppose everyone in denial says that.  =p  Odd that I can retain my sense of humor while still being sad.  I laugh & cry simultaneously all the time.  I've only noticed a few other people who do that.  Does that have to do with multi-tasking?  Maybe cuz I'm so good at it, I can multi-task my emotions, too.  =D

It's been a few years now since she died.  I thought I was better, recovered, whatever.  I really don't even miss her that much anymore.  But I still can't shake that pain of watching her die so slowly. Which makes me believe that perhaps I'm not as healed as I thought I was.  I always tried to remember her as who she really was, with her flaws and her merits.  It made me wonder if I even would have been close to her had she lived.  [As you may have noticed, I'm not that close to my father and his new wife.]  So, in trying to be a realist, I thought I came to accept that she was no longer in my life.  I think I still am okay with that.  It's the dying process that fucked me all up.  Or maybe it was just her dying process that mind-fucked me --- watching this vibrant, intelligent woman slowly lose her mind.

Okay ... enough small talk.

When life gets serious, how do you handle the trivial details?  I either focus on them too much to take my mind off of other matters, or I just want to ignore them and say it doesn't even matter.  Both options suck cuz I either blow little things out of proportion, or I let my responsibilities slide. 

Can you believe that when I returned my rental car at Atlanta airport, I bumped into someone from my company?  And, of course he saw my bag with the name on it and started talking to me.  He's a VP of something or other, so I decided to schmooze a little.  I did manage to lose him in Security even though we were walking to adjoining gates.  Then, I went into the bathroom and changed to my yummy jeans & a t-shirt.  I had already removed my barrette to make it through Security, so I came out looking like a new person (I hope).  I wandered around and bought food & water and settled into a quiet spot to return phone calls and avoid further contact.

I sent flowers to my sister to cheer her up a little bit (she's going through a life crisis).  And, silly me, I forgot to sign the card.  When I checked my messages, I had a call from the florist saying she loved the flowers but wanted to know who they were from.  They wouldn't divulge  but advised me to call if I wanted.  She said her office spent all day yesterday & today trying to figure out the mystery of who sent them.  I guess that gave her something to do and perhaps distracted her from life for a minute.

My flight was delayed due to bad weather in Seattle.  /wave to my Seattle friends  =)  And, apparently Atlanta had some bad weather of its own.  We were delayed further on the runway and then hit turbulence the whole way.  They apologized for withholding the beverage service but explained we were one of the last flights allowed to even go airborne.  Fortunately, I had my smoked salmon & dill sandwich and a new bottle of water.  I chilled out with my book, cried a little more (what is it with airplanes and me crying?), and grooved to some music. 

I'm at the airport now waiting to catch my flight as I type this.  I'm realizing my laptop is incredibly dusty & dirty.  How embarrassing.  :(   I'm also realizing that I'm a freak as I sit here & giggle & cry & type.  Oh well, I'm keeping it real man.  Laugh, why the fuck did that became some type of anthem?  How silly. 

I'm very happy I put my vanilla lotion on.  The smell reassures me that life is good in the Pandora's box of chaos that is my mind & my heart.

By the way, did you know it is now standard procedure to remove any and all shoes, either worn or carried, and submit them through x-ray separately?  Do you suppose that freak on the French plane knew he would cause such a brouhaha at every airport so much later? 

I somehow got incredibly lucky and found parking so close to the terminal.  Security had no line.  But then there was a "situation" when I got to the gate, after first spending my never-to-be-born child's inheritance on water.  Gah, they really get you on airport prices.  I'm already starting to panic thinking about food.  Of course I'm not hungry now, but there is no food on the flight.  I wonder how many power bars I brought.  I wonder how many power bars I can eat before I get nauseous.

Anyway, back to the "situation"...

I went to sit down and readjust my shoes back into their comfort zone when a police officer asked me not to sit exactly where I was eying.  Apparently they had an unattended bag.  Holy shit, they take that seriously (well not as seriously as the Israelis but more seriously than they used to).  He cordoned off the area and brought in a dog to sniff the bag.  After they ascertained it wasn't explosives, they opened it, rifled through it, and proceeded to confiscate it.  It gave everyone nearby a vicarious thrill and a teensy scare of what-if.

I love to people-watch in airports.  Actually, I love to people-watch just about anywhere.  They fascinate me.  Plus, I can distract myself from my own problems, fears, and stressors by focusing on theirs.  Is that why reality shows are so popular?  And soap operas?  I hate those because they seem so contrived.  I like to observe in the natural habitat.  ;)

It's not so easy to be me and to be susceptible to my sensitive nature.  You'd think by 34, I would have learned to adjust.  I'm ready to go into hibernate mode and shut off almost everyone until I can get a handle on my emotions.  I finally got the courage to tell Galahad while we were out in the pool.  Well, actually he busted me crying so I spilled my emotions all over the place.

He recommended the opposite, that I go out and immerse myself with people & activities.  I don't like when I start crying in public though, and I'm sure it will happen, so I'm leaning away from this.  I do have to travel this week for work, so some of it will be unavoidable.

Flash Fun - The Real Hussein

Here's a free tip from your friendy Wendy:  When leaving a business voicemail, make it short and relay pertinent information.  If it must be long, vary your voice pitch.  When sending business emails, keep them to less than one page.  One should never have to scroll down.  If you need to write a lot to organize your thoughts, by all means do so, then go back and edit for clarity & succinctness.  Yes, there will be exceptions, but make them few & far between. 

Last night Galahad and I stayed up signing all the documents required for a Streamlined Refinancing Mortgage Application from the same company we currently use.  I couldn't believe the paperwork required just for the streamlined version.  Imagine if our deal had been complicated?  Imagine if we had been switching to another company?  Somehow we had left things to the last minute and started doing this at 11:30 pm.  It felt like Sunday night back in school trying to finish a big project that I had procrastinated all weekend.  Galahad kept saying just sign here, but...   My mother always taught me to read everything before I signed it.  I was having a hard time last night trying to understand the complicated legalese with my continual yawning and the pain in my head.  Somehow I looked over at my Galahad and just started laughing and soon the process became fun.  I hope we are able to lock in that rate. 

/crosses my fingers

At one point I felt all old and spinsterly.  I had to check the box that I'm unmarried and middle-aged.  And here I was refinancing a mortgage.  That sounded so grown-up and adult-like.  READ: Boring & Old.  Shouldn't they have had a checkbox for domestically partnered?  Living with a significant other?  Common law?  Anything but OLD & UNMARRIED.  Aren't I too old & spinsterly to be getting zits still?  =p

I hate panicking myself about these spots.  Stress can only make me worse.  Plus, I really feel silly getting so upset about what is mostly a vanity issue.  However, in the back of mind is the thought that some day the melanoma may return.  I caught it incredibly fast last time, but I am constantly reading how many women my age die from it.

I put on my happy face and greeted his parents.  His dad started in with the fucking skinny comments -- a lot of them, 4 in a row.  I almost told him to go fuck himself.  I decided to be the bigger person and let it go.  I don't mind him teasing me with one, but 4 was pushing it.  Somehow, I managed to turn my mood around and enjoy myself.  I know his parents love me and mean well.  And, his dad stopped being an ass towards me.  :)

One of my Phalaenopsis orchids is blooming.  Such a gorgeous bloom.  It makes me smile every time I walk outside and see it.

/rejoice

/whine

Did I mention that my combination lock was cut off of my suitcase on the flight home?  We found it inside in 2 pieces taped to a flyer saying it was done for my safety.  Fuck you!  My bag was already safe.  I'm tired of Big Brother breathing down my neck in the interest of safety.  I already got molested by a screener on the way there; now, my lock gets violated on the way home.  Wtf did they see in the x-ray machine that aroused their suspicion?  My dirty socks & unmentionables?  Fuckers!  Yeah, I'm sick & cranky, but that doesn't mean I agree with all this new bullshit we are enduring.  If you think for one second we are any safer than we were before September 11, 2001, you are wearing blinders and are severely naive.

They recommend that I should have left my bag unlocked.  What American hasn't seen 4,625,384 specials on Dateline about thieving airport baggage handlers?  No I didn't have any so-called valuables in my bag, but if I had to replace any of my clothes or shoes, I'd be out substantial coinage, not to mention how much I detest shopping.  I suppose I should be ever so grateful that they allowed me to bring my Imitrex injections with me.

By the way, the airline employee who checked us in at the Seattle airport warned us to remove any undeveloped film from our bags prior to them zapping it with the x-ray machine.  It might have been nice if the people at the beginning of our trip had advised us of the same.  I wonder if we will develop a roll of white pictures.  Yeah, yeah, for my fucking safety.

Off to the airport when serendipity strikes.  :)  My friend happened to be there to pick someone up, so I got one last chance to say a quick hello and snag a hug. 

My brother took us to a cutesy little place for lunch, 5 Spot.  Apparently, they totally change their decor & menu every 4 months to keep it fresh & trendy.  The current theme is Sante Fe; next up on June 15 is Springfield, USA.

My brother is a HUGE fan of games, both electronic & board.  He taught us to play this great game he had called the Settlers of Catan or in actuality, he had the German version, so it was Die Siedler von Catan.  It was kind of funny to see him trying to remind himself of some of the rules by sifting through the German instructions.  In true beginners' luck spirit, Galahad won the first game and I won the second.  Dunno if my brother was going easy on us or just suffering from sleep deprivation.  ;)

They arranged for a sitter, so the 4 of us went out to dinner at a trendy Asian fusion restaurant, Wild Ginger.

We were supposed to be home by 4, so we didn't have a lot of time.  It was another glorious day here in Seattle, so we went back to the Seattle Arboretum to view the rest of the grounds.  They had some lovely little trails through the forest.  I think I had an averse reaction to the blooming rhododendrons.  One minute I was fine, and the next I became delirious Dorothy walking through the poppy fields in the Wizard of Oz.  We stopped to rest on a bench, and I nearly fell asleep.  By then, it was time to drive back and visit with my family. 

After getting woken up at 5 am by my twin baby nieces, we managed to fall back asleep until 10ish.  We had sushi for lunch in town after figuring out how to park.  They have all these signs that say No Parking West of this Sign.  How the fuck do I know which way is west?  :p  I guess everyone in Seattle is hip enough to have a compass with them at all times.

We spent a few hours at the Japanese Gardens before meeting up with friends for dinner.  One of them suggested the downtown REI as the easiest place to meet.  It sounded very cute to meet him in front of the climbing wall.  We were early for once, so the employee stationed there decided to come chat with me after I sent Galahad exploring into the store.  Fortunately my friend was very prompt and we went in search of Galahad.  Lol, that store just sucks you in.

First though, we saw Gramps one last time.  It made me sad to think this may be the last time I see him alive.  I guess that could happen with anyone at any time, but what are the odds he'll live 3 more years until my next random trip out there?

We slept late and went to visit Grampa afterwards.  He told us some fabulous stories about back in the day.  He used to live in Harlem in the 1910's.  He regaled us with stories of keeping chickens (in Pasadena) during the war to get fresh eggs and stories of his father-in-law fighting against Pancho Villa.  Dunno how true the Pancho Villa stories were, but they were fascinating to hear regardless.

Galahad & I are staying at my sister's house.  She & her husband recently decided to separate after 20 years of marriage.  He moved out about 3 days ago, so we walked into an emotionally raw household.  :(  It was weird to see her husband today.  I like him a lot and had no idea how to react to him.  Fortunately, he just acted normal, so I did, too.

Anyway, Grampa loved his little party and was especially excited that he could eat his chocolate cake with his fingers.  He was thrilled to see Galahad and me.  It's been almost 3 years.  Yeah, I know, I'm a negligent granddaughter.  Fortunately, my other siblings aren't so bad.

This was the first night that my sister's husband had the kids.  She was a wreck, poor thing.  It was probably only the 3rd time I've ever seen her cry.  Somehow I got all the crying genes, and she got none.  Yes, I started crying, too.  We stood in the window, hugging & crying, and watched them drive off.

Then, we go inside and the security line just never ended.  I went up to the front and asked the woman if we would make our flight.  She just pushed us through ahead of everyone.  They recommended that I remove my boots.  I of course didn't listen.  So, I had to get hand-searched after my boots set off the detector.  Hehe, I was wearing my WTF? t-shirt.  The woman asked me what it meant, but I was too shy to answer.  Another woman answered for me and said she had teenage sons. The first woman asked me why I didn't remove my boots the first time and literally looked at me and said WTF when I said I didn't think they would set off the detector.  I thought that was so fucking funny, and she was all excited that she had a new expression.  :)

She proceeded to wand me down and took her job a little too seriously.  I may not look like every other woman out there, but I'm pretty sure I don't look like a terrorist.  Afterwards, some man asked Galahad if he had gotten pictures.  :p

Omg, first he tells me that his company is the one that repaired one of our neighbor's houses.  That one in particular stuck in my mind because it seemed to go on for months.  So, I lied and said I understood that sometimes these things happen.  He looked at the leaks from the inside and said both were simple.  Then, he climbed on the roof to get an outside view.  He came back down, wrote up an estimate, attached all kinds of references and contractor licenses, and handed this packet to me.  The man has the audacity to say they are simple leaks and it will cost $1000 all in one breath.  Wtf??? 

I thanked him for his time and IM'ed Galahad to give him the news.  We're going to see if we can get a second opinion although this guy was highly recommended.  Doesn't that sound like a lot of money for 2 simple leaks?  Can't we just use some fucking duct tape?  =p

No babies...no momma....no poppa

The Racial Slur Database

We arrived a little late (as usual) and talked to the guy there.  I asked him a zillion questions about everything from alligator mating season to thunderstorms.  He told us to lie low (literally in the canoe) if it started lightning, and he loaned us 3 ponchos in case of rain.  He also told me that mating season was virtually year round now as the water patterns were all messed up, so the alligators were confused.  It turns out that I didn't see any of the big bull males doing their rumbling growl & dance.   I was sorry to miss it but ecstatic that I wasn't in the water next to them when they did it.

The canoe held 2 people but they rigged it so they could throw an extra, non-secured seat in the middle.  This had the effect of me raising the center of gravity higher in the canoe, so I was forbidden to paddle.  Oh gee what a shame.  :p  I offered to help twice anyway but was politely rejected.

The trail we went down was 5.5 miles round trip.  The rain came down in a  torrential downpour about 20 minutes into the trip.  We quickly & gratefully donned the ponchos.  I was told that the wildlife would really perk up after a rain, so we should see & hear quite a bit.  When, the rain stopped, we took off the ponchos, bailed out the bottom of the canoe, and kept going.  We saw so many varieties of herons & egrets.  I had a few dragonflies land on me and take a ride for a while.  Maybe it was my lotion?  ;)  I wonder when they finally left if they were confused as to where they now were.  We passed a few baby alligators and many, many alligator trails leading off the main channel.

I started to calm down a little and enjoy the raw beauty.  I did freak a little when there was a medium-sized spider in the canoe until my brave Galahad swatted it off with his bare hands.  <shudder>  And then we saw our first adult alligator...

Galahad almost hit him on the head with the paddle cuz he was that close.  He quickly pulled the paddle out when he saw it and could barely vocalize to whisper "gator on the left."  He just swam past us and went about his business.  They paddled a little faster anyway.  I was pretty tense but felt better in my fear knowing that it got them a little anxious, too.  We had a few more close encounters and stopped for pictures on one of them.  The scary part was how they could just disappear into the black, murky water.  We saw lots more babies and no water moccasins.  Yay!!!!!  That type of snake is routinely more aggressive than alligators so they had me a little worried, too.  And no close calls with lightning.  Yay!!! 

I listened to the sounds of the Everglades and imagined how the Indians survived when they got pushed down this way.  How scary it must have been with no civilization -- to live in this swampy, aggressive, unforgiving land and start villages from scratch.  They had so much to learn.

At the halfway point, we stopped and had our 2nd lunch.  I felt very Queen of Sheba by this point.  I kept looking for my fan boy.  ;)  We even had yummy cookies for dessert.  The heat descended on us as the clouds cleared up.  Man, it was fucking hot.  Now I was really feeling for the Indians who lived here so many years ago.

We had a vulture strafe us.  They are so gorgeous in the air -- it's hard to imagine it's the same ugly bird one sees when they are sitting.  Of course, we all goofed that we weren't dead yet, so it could carry on about its business.  We passed a condo of bird nests.  I'm not sure what kind of birds they were, they looked like grackles only prettier.

Little Miss Birdie had her precious little chickies.  Say it with me... awwwwwwwwwwww.  ;)

It rained (big glorious lightning & thunderstorms) all day today, so I did the best thing and stayed in bed and read & napped.  It was a wonderful day.  :)  We went out for dinner at a snooty Boca place in Mizner Park called Pranzo.  The food was great, and the ambience wasn't too weird.  I forgot how bad the whole cosmetic surgery scene was though.  I always goof about it, but the impact was harsher than I remembered.  One woman looked like she was about to fall over from being too top-heavy and yet she was wearing a tube-dress and forever adjusting & fidgeting to make it more comfortable.  I was very happy to be wearing comfortable clothes and not doing the whole beauty is painful scene --- not that I didn't primp a little bit before we went out.  ;)  And, I either looked good enough to catch a few eyes or else I looked like a freak for my lack of cosmetic surgery.  Hehe, not sure really. 

Some inconsiderate asshole ruined the end of my dinner for me.  The fucker sat down next to us at an outdoor table (bypassing the hostess) with a BIG fucking nasty cigar.  What made it worse (in my eyes) is that his woman was very pregnant.  First of all, what a dick for smoking in a crowded outdoor eatery.  Second of all, nice way to poison his unborn child.  Third, he was just an asshole in the way he treated anyone he encountered.  By the way, the very pregnant woman was wearing an ensemble that flaunted her bare midriff.  So was I, so I can't point fingers, but my waist is about 8 months less pregnant than hers. 

Rethinking Schools - Just For Fun Map Game

Warblogs:cc — Content from the best of the war blogs

I finally find the regular books, upstairs in the back.  Now this should be easy I'm thinking cuz as I mentioned, I love books.  But I think that's my problem, I love books a little too much.  So, whatever I buy, I will probably keep.  Therefore, I want it to be worth my time and my brother's money.  I'm way too embarrassed to buy any girly trash books like Jackie Collins.  Yeah, I know it's silly, but there you go.  I caught some man checking me out upstairs when he thought I wasn't looking.  Hehe, that was nice for my ego.

I decided on the new Carl Hiaasen novel, Basket Case, in the paperback version.  I don't like hardcover books usually.  I'm small, and they get heavy after a few hours.  Also, I like to be able to cram a book in my purse if I'm running off somewhere. 

After the book store, I stopped at Jamba Juice, which one of my friends always raves about.   Again, so many choices for me.  Plus it was crazy busy and trendy with the young college-y crowd.  Omg, I felt old for a second until I saw a girl checking me out in that bitchy way girls do to each other.  Hehe, another boost to my ego.  For those of you who don't understand that, girls only do the bitchy sizing up if they see viable competition.  It's a territorial thing.

Institute For Women and Technology: News

During the course of the day, I got hungry as usual.  Since I wasn't at home, I didn't get my healthy after-lunch-before-dinner snack.  Since this was a customer appreciation event, I had all kinds of snackies for them.  Instead of being responsible and eating my Balance bar in my purse, I scarfed down 1 bag of potato chips, 2 bags of Nutter Butter Bites, and 1 fun-sized bag of peanut M&M's.  I did wash it all down with several bottles of water, so I didn't totally lose my mind.  And for the record, those Nutter Butters had 4 grams of protein in each serving.  =p

At about 5:30ish, we started gathering in for dinner.  Yeah, you guessed it, I wasn't exactly starving anymore.  I did eat my salad and Wendy-sized portions of some of the main courses, minus dessert.  So here comes my rant disguised as plausible questions....

Why is it okay for overweight people to comment on the quantity that I eat but not okay if I turn around and say something similar?  Why is it considered rude and/or hurtful to say "Wow, you sure eat a LOT!!!  Maybe if you ate less, you wouldn't have that big fat ass."?  But it's not considered hurtful or rude to say "No wonder you're just skin & bones, you barely eat."

[On a related but tangential note, dinner with my dad last night went well.  He did end with another "Are you sure you're eating?" comment though.  :(  I stooped and lowered myself to his level and rubbed his growing belly and said he was getting a bowl of jelly there (ala Santa Claus).  It helped a lot that my Galahad went with us.  He kept squeezing my hand under the table when he saw me getting frustrated with how self-absorbed my father is.  The Thai food was yummy, and my father told some amusing anecdotes.]

Isn't it amazing that they built a nest balanced on top of 3 hanging cushions without any hands?  Isn't it even more amazing that we have accommodated so much for some fancy-ass pigeons?  =p  Are mourning doves in the same family as pigeons?  Hehe, it sounds more elegant, doesn't it?

Tampon art

I love my Galahad!  He says the best things and doesn't even realize it.  We were visiting a neighbor, and he had a few glasses of wine.  That usually makes him more chatty.  We were talking to each other while she was out of the room about matchmaking, dating, and such.  Anyway, he said the reason he's been so happy with me for so many years was because of my beautiful mind.

/swoon

/swoon

I received a free sample in the mail from Proctor & Gamble --- their new Pearl tampons.  Is it just me or is that kind of insulting as a  marketing gimmick?  I mean really.   Are they trying to give tampons class?  And couldn't they have put it in a plain brown wrapper?  No.... they had to stamp NEW Pearl Tampons all over it.  Yes, I am a grown woman that still gets a little self-conscious when buying tampons at the store. 

Once in Winn-Dixie, they had some little tag on the box that set off the alarm at the door.  Omg, I had security all over me, looking through my bag, waving my tampons around back & forth through the security checkpoint setting off the alarm each time, and yelling (yes yelling) across the store to the cashier I had just left to see if I had paid for them.  Couldn't they just as easily have looked at my receipt?  I know they're expensive, but who's gonna forge receipts to save $7?  That was several years ago, and I have NEVER been back to that store.  Bastards.  I bet they did that on purpose and laughed about it for days.  I was very proud of myself and held my composure though.  I almost walked out of the store and said forget it, but I didn't want to lose my $7.  lol.

Last night, after I finished my book I couldn't sleep yet, so I watched TV.  Omfg, remind me to NEVER do that again.  First I flipped through the channels and watched 5 minutes of some train-wreck of a show called Married By America.  Good god, what people will do for attention & money.  Then, I flipped some more and came upon Six Feet Under.  I always hear how great it is, but it just seemed to point out misery in everyone's life.  Who needs that?  And of course, I fell for it at first.  When Galahad came to bed, I asked him if he felt trapped like the man in the show did.  He just laughed and asked where that came from.  I hate when shows prey upon my insecurities.  I hate it even more that most people are unaware that it's doing that.  No wonder so many people have esteem issues.

I stayed up too late last night, so I'm just gonna sleep by the pool today.  I will try my hardest not to fall asleep on my float, fall in, & drown.  How embarrassing would that be?  Hehe, the ultimate in clutz-dom.

I went to the dentist this morning to get an old filling replaced.  I love my dentist, but I hate the sounds & sensations of this whole process.  Good god am I squeamish!  He was so sweet to me.  He numbed up my jaw with banana flavored something before injecting other numbing stuff into my jaw 75 times until I had no feeling left on the side of my face.  I still made him test it before he turned the drill on.  While we were waiting for the numbing stuff (I'm gonna assume it was Novocain but not really sure) to work, he sat and talked to me about life & philosophy & stuff.  Most dentists leave you alone to drool quietly while they do other stuff.  But he is so awesome to talk to.  Btw, he told me that studies are now showing that we shouldn't re-use plastic water bottles.  Wtf?  He said your own mouth bacteria apparently chemically reacts with the plastic of the bottle and is now harmful.   He gave me an education on how exactly fillings work and about the whole mercury controversy.

Omg, I got so tense when he started drilling.  He kept patting my arm and asking if I was okay.  I did all my deep breathing exercises and counting backwards exercises to relax.  I was also laughing at myself for being such a sissy, so I had a silly grin somewhere mixed in amongst all the instruments in my mouth.  And then, my tongue was doing constant battle with the suction thingie.  Hehe, it was annoying me, so my tongue kept pushing it all around trying to find a comfortable spot for it.  I tried to concentrate on that and not on the thought that suddenly he would hit a nerve with the drill.  Unfortunately at these times, I can still multi-task like a motherfucker.  I felt just a sliver of pain and freaked (well the open-mouthed with 30 things inside kind of yell).  So, he shot me up with more Novocain, and we chatted some more.  ;)

He reassured me that is was okay to be so sensitive cuz it makes me a sweet person.  Awwwwwww.  Isn't he a great guy?
 

Dinner with my dad last night --- just the two of us.  90 minutes with the man whose genes I inherited and he never asked how I was.  Although maybe to his credit, I only ever answer him with a "fine" cuz he seems so disinterested in anything deeper.  Maybe he made an executive decision and bypassed the "fine."  Or maybe he truly doesn't care.  It doesn't bother me as much today.  I got cranky last night, but today I'm "fine".  Laugh....I slay myself.

At the end of dinner (which he paid for, thanks), he gave me a hug goodnight, and remarked in a very concerned tone of voice that I was too thin.  Gee thanks.  Then, he inquired if I was eating and couldn't I gain 10-20 pounds.  Mother fucker!  Who does he think I got my skinny genes from??  Then he says my sister has lost some weight, and she's almost as skinny as I am.  Grrrrr.....  I've been the same weight (give or take 5 pounds) for about 15 years,  Well, except when I went through my bodybuilding phase and gained 10 pounds of muscle.  Omg, that was so hard to maintain.  I was drinking protein shakes a few times a day.  I literally brought food with me to the gym and ate while I was working out.  Lol, that used to piss off a lot of people, watching me scarf down McDonald's fries.  But I digress...

So, he completely lived up to our family motto.  I heard all about his trip to L.A. and the smog there.  I heard about the contractor who's remodeling his kitchen.  I heard about the contractor's wife & dogs & new house.  I heard that he refers to this contractor as "son".  Wtf???  Seven kids weren't enough?  I stayed pretty quiet throughout dinner because I didn't want to be bothered dredging all this up again.  It obviously has no lasting effects.  But he's home alone (his new wife is still in L.A.), so he's bored and wants to be kept company.

On the drive home, I kept repeating to myself how lucky I am in life and this is all superficial shit, so I shouldn't let it bother me.  Most of the world seems to be in the midst of a tragedy, and I'm whining about hurt feelings.  I'm 30-something -- I don't need parents.  [Hehe, good, cuz I don't have any.  ;)]    I was driving Galahad's car and tried to cheer myself up with how cool it is.  I was almost smiling when I turned onto our street.

I pulled into our driveway, shut the engine off, and the fucking car kept running.  I sat there in disbelief listening to a hum and telling myself that it wasn't coming from the car.  I started it up and turned it off again.  There it was.  I got out and put my hand on the hood to verify that it was indeed emanating from the cool car that had just cheered me up.  Fuck!  It was.   :(   So I dialed my Galahad's cellphone --- got voicemail.  I ran inside the house and called his karate school.  How embarrassing.  I asked the man who answered to interrupt and get him.  I was weighing in my mind which was worse, embarrassing & bothering him at class or letting his car do something fucked up.  I hope I made the right call.  He says he's leaving then and I tell him I'm just going to drive around the block and switch through some gears or something.  Fuck, my answer to everything is to reboot.  That didn't help somehow.  :(  You guessed it, driving around the block and switching through gears did absolutely nothing except make me feel all yummy for driving a cool car again.  ;)  So, I came inside and changed and waited for him to come home.

He comes in and tells me about this horrible accident that just happened on the turn into our street -- same color car as his that he caught out of the corner of his eye at night.  His heart did a little flip, and he had to give himself a little talk saying he would turn the corner and see his car sitting in the driveway and know his girl wasn't the one lying in the street on a stretcher.  So that kind of helped again with the perspective thing. 

He started fiddling with his car, and I of course was already cranky.  Uh oh.  I had my feelings hurt in about 3 minutes, so I said screw this and retreated upstairs to my library and my book.  I read about one page before I gained perspective and went back down to apologize and to help in any way I could.  We (meaning him) managed to figure some temporary workaround until it could be properly fixed.  I orchestrated the flashlight and didn't rant about my night until later, after he had eaten.

Galahad and I spent most of the day together.  I had taken the day off from work (good thing as I woke up with a migraine.  Ugh!).  He came home early and bought me new white Peeps!  Hehe, I can't eat any yet until I kick the migraine, but they sure are fun and a reminder from a happy part of my childhood.  He's so sweet to have remembered.  We curled up in the living room and watched Pocahontas until my meds overwhelmed the migraine.  Then, we got dressed & went out to start Happy Hour & dinner at a new (to us) place in downtown Ft Lauderdale, the River House.  Happy hour consists of complimentary sushi with 2 for 1 drinks.  We sat out on a bench by the river --- me eating my sushi and him sipping on rum & coke.  My brother was supposed to join us but never showed.  :(

Then we moved upstairs for dinner.  They went out of their way to seat us at a "good" table by the window that overlooked the river.  Hehe, I was mostly full by then, so I ordered just an appetizer while Galahad ordered a dinner.  I rarely eat bread, but omg, it was so good.  They had two kinds of nutty olive bread with hummus and butter on the side.  Mmmmmm.  I ordered the Brie salad, and good god it was yummy.  Galahad ordered some fish (who cares what kind cuz it was cooked), and then he got the Tiramisu with guava for dessert. Wow!  I wasn't even gonna have any cuz I was stuffed.  I dipped my little finger in the guava sauce and my mouth exploded in scrumptiousness. 

The Story About the Baby, Epilogue.

Why can't people do that more?  Harmless macho actions....

This Iraqi thing is making me crazy cuz I'm not sure how I feel about it.  I haven't commented so far because I haven't solidified my opinion yet.  I think it's more complicated than 99% of the world knows.  So, it's kinda hard to have an uninformed opinion.  Well, I guess it's not difficult, it just seems pointless to me.  I don't know Bush's motivations entirely.  Yes, the oil must play into it to some extent but that can't be all of it.  Yes, the humanitarian reasons are there, but we don't usually get involved just for that.  Yes, the extremist terrorists may be there, but it seems Saudi Arabia would be a better place to start.  And, of course, I can't forget the ego thing started by his father.  Still, it doesn't seem to add up to war.  Or maybe like everything else in my life, I am overanalyzing.

I keep thinking about how scared our soldiers (and their loved ones) must be.  I know that whether or not I agree with this whole thing, I still am proud of them for putting their lives on the line.

Hugs To Kuwait -- Adopt A Soldier

My ant bites are better today but started itching from the hot shower beating down on my feet.
 

Suddenly I feel this burning in my foot!  Omfg, it made me crazy.  I ran back outside to Galahad to show him.  Normally he is the one they chew on and make his life a living burning hell.  The poison (or whatever it is they have in their saliva) is visibly spidering out into my capillaries in a bright red pattern.  The 3 bites are welting up nicely.  And, I was losing my mind.  I decided that soaking my foot in the pool will help.  Laugh, anything I can do to rationalize pool time, huh?  So, I change into my pool attire and float out on our raft. 

The pool is nice & warm now which does nothing to alleviate the burning hell in my foot.  I am sure at this point that steam will be rising out of our pool any minute now.  My lovely, calm Galahad makes me an ice pack for my foot. 

Because I am sensitive to cold, this seems to hurt worse.  Now I am howling about my foot bones aching from the cold.  And, I could still feel the fucking burning of the bites.  I started to alternate concentrating on one misery then the other.  That worked for about 15 seconds when I lost my mind again.   

My dear sweet patient Galahad (I think I owe him another week of flowers again, huh?) takes out one piece of ice to hold on the exact spot of my bite so as not to freeze any non-burning part of my delicate foot.  So there I am floating on the raft.  He's sitting on the edge of the pool treating my afflicted foot.  This struck me as funny, so I let out a chuckle.  The ant poison must have made it all the way to my brain by now because suddenly I convulsed into hysterical laughter.  It was the quiet kind, so he didn't notice for a few minutes as he was intensely concentrating on fixing my foot.  Of course that made me laugh even harder.  Finally, he looks up and sees me laughing so hard I have tears streaming down my face.

COFANI FUNEBRI . COM  click on the fashion coffins on the lower right ...  tacky, huh?

I had to go to the dentist this morning for my semi-annual cleaning.  My teeth feel so good now, all smooth & clean & slippery.  I'm not so fond of the cleaning part cuz I'm sensitive like that.  Hehe, they always remember now that I am a "sensitive" patient.  Who knew that would carry over into my mouth?   And why would I expect any differently? 

I got into a bit of a fight with my sweet, gentle hygienist.  She wanted to take full x-rays of my mouth, but I always refuse cuz of the radiation.  (I'm sure she thinks I sit at home in my aluminum hat.)  My research and intuition tell me that excessive x-rays as a child severely aggravated my skin cancer predisposition.  Anyway, we agreed to compromise and only x-ray two spots she was suspicious of.  Hehe, I bet she doesn't get this much resistance from all of her other patients combined.  It's an old people practice, and old people typically have the outlook that all medical personnel are to be followed unquestioningly.  That used to piss me off so much as a child watching my parents fall for bad medical advice, especially when it concerned me.  My nature is to research everything excessively and ask questions unfailingly.  That generation's nature is to blindly follow authority it seems. 

She gave me a fluoride treatment at the end.  Laugh, I always feel like I have gorilla lips when I get those.  Dunno if you've ever had one.  They fill polystyrene molds full of gooey fluoride and pop it in your mouth.  I think it's one size fits all, so it doesn't fit very well in mine.  And then, I got to see my dentist....

< sound of trumpets >

He is the best dentist ever!!!!  I switched once because he is far away, always busy, and has an old-fashioned practice.  Boy did I regret that.  I went to some woman who had all new-fangled stuff, and she was terrible.  My mouth hurt for so long after I had been to her.  I called him up, embarrassed, and apologized for cheating on him and begged him to fix my mouth, which he did graciously.  :)  He is so kind & gentle & caring & wonderful & amazing.  I always wanted to marry him, waaaay before I ever met my Galahad and before I knew he was married.  Hehe.  He is simply one of the kindest and most compassionate people I know. 

So now, I try to relax on the long drive to see him, jam out to my fave dance tunes, and dance my way there.   :)  I was having a beautiful ride home, feeling my teeth all smooth & yummy, thinking I didn't want to eat for a long time so I could enjoy that clean feeling.  And, wouldn't you know it?  I got about 2 blocks from his office before I tore into the pack of stale airplane peanuts sitting at the bottom of my purse for just such emergencies.  Me & my hunger issues....laugh.

His favorite was the spring rolls and mine was the plantain fritters in battered coconut in a light creamy rum sauce.  Omfg, mmmmmmm!

Btw, I added photos of my blooming orchids and my baby pineapple to my Interests page.
 

Heaven is spending the afternoon floating in the pool under blue skies, chatting with my Galahad about nothing, having him rub me down with Papaya spread, while gazing at the orchids and watching the lizards play like little dinosaurs.

I also love to hear people's reactions to what I write.  I don't say anything to get shock value; I just say what I think & feel.  Yet, it still seems to shock people or provoke them into their own thoughts.  I think it's great if people stretch themselves and grow from something random I said.

Does anyone remember that poem?  Weird how I have surrounded myself with Friday's children.  Loving & giving?  Me?  Yeah, I suppose I am, but those wouldn't be the first 2 words I would pick to describe myself.   I am happy to surround myself with loving, giving folk though.  Yes, my Galahad is a Friday's Child, as well as several other close friends of mine but none of my immediate family.  Maybe I felt that lack and unconsciously picked people who would fill that dearth.

Okay, I've just researched this on Google cuz it was bothering me.  [Can you tell I'm bored on a conference call?]  There's a second part maybe of Friday. 

Friday's Child is Loving and Giving, Sharing With Friends Their Passion for Living

I wonder who wrote the original poem?  Mother Goose probably.  Who the fuck would call themselves Mother Goose?  Doesn't that sound like a codename for a spy?  Anyway, I can get behind passionate.   :)    Dunno if someone added that as a ghost writer -- marketing scum bastardizing Mother Goose. 
 

FAQ Coffee and Caffeine
 

The Kill Everyone Project

Today's movie was Minority Report, btw.  After watching that, I felt the urge to go do something.  Plus, I couldn't sit there and watch while Galahad was looking at the Special Features disc.  Ugghh!

Yesterday's yard work had produced a 3 foot high pile of palm fronds that had to be moved from the back to the front for bulk pickup.  For some reason, I really enjoy doing that at times.  It's mindless physical activity that just feels good.  It's when I do some of my best thinking and meditating.  I love to watch nature around me, and it was a beautiful breezy day (albeit somewhat warm).  The birds were soaring, the dragonflies strafing, and the lizards challenging each other to duels. 

After his disc ended, Galahad came out to help.  Yes, I was still dragging palm fronds to the front.  We have a plethora of palm trees in the back, and it has been too long since they were culled.  Of course, me being me, I showed him a few that he missed.  :)  We stayed out some more and just quietly worked side by side --- him cutting and me ferrying fronds.  He came upon a tree frog in one he had cut, so we put the frond back on the tree until he finds a new home. 

I finally got so exhausted that I couldn't even watch him work anymore and begged him to stop.  I collapsed on a chaise longue and quietly watched dusk fall in my little slice of seclusion.

Anyway, we watched Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron on Friday night.  It was cute, but I wouldn't go out of my way to watch it.  Today, we watched such a great movie.  Galahad is so much better at picking movies than I.  It was called Wasabi and it was so fucking funny.  I actually got a cramp from laughing so hard at one point.  What made it even funnier is that it isn't really a comedy.  It's more of an action mystery type of movie.

Yay, it's Friday.  That always helps me to smile. 

I learned a new term.  Yeah, I know I'm unhip and out of vogue.  It's probably been around for longer than I've been alive, but I live in an egocentric society.  Haha, okay no more excuses.  I'm lame.  Anyway, I was told I have euro eyes.  I can't believe I made it this far into my life and just learned something new about one of my most prominent physical features.  Not that I have amazing eyes, but they do stand out a bit.  I've been told many things about my eyes (most I dismissed as lines --- except the ones I liked of course ;)), but I had never heard this.   I do have a pic of my eyes up on another page if you care to view for yourself.  I got brave!  <pats self on back>

Vertigo kicked in badly this morning (or should I say this afternoon?) when I woke up.  It was a lovely day again, so of course, I went out back.  This time, I tried to be a bit constructive and I cleaned the pool a little.  Yeah, I know vertigo + pool cleaning != smart.  However, I am very proud of myself for not falling in, although I did have a few close calls.  :)  It doesn't seem to be any better, so I guess I will resolve myself to a day of vertigo and hope that tomorrow is better.  I haven't been this bad in years.  I wonder why now, although I'm guessing it's from that flu that kicked my ass recently.  

I'm kind of curious about all you smokers out there...  How do you reconcile smoking in your mind?  I mean, you know it's harmful (potentially lethal), yet you still do it.  Do you just put that part of your thought processes in denial?  Do you attempt to rationalize that it's healthier than getting stressed out and shooting someone?

The reason I ask is that I love to be outdoors in the sun sometimes, yet supposedly it is harmful to me.  I just took an extended lunch (it's slow today and I have my cell phone ;)) outside in the sun.  Gasp!!!  I know it's so wrong, but....  It feels so good to have the sun heating up my body, while a brisk breeze blows over me, cooling me off.  I am by no means deeply tanned --- it's more of a golden-hued dusting.  I watch very closely to make sure that I never burn.

The leading theory on skin cancer (not to mention aging) right now is that the sun causes it.  I have done extensive reading into many different studies done about skin cancer.  I am a firm believer in the holistic approach, meaning that there isn't one root cause per se, it's more of your body is healthy (both mentally & physically) or it isn't.  If it isn't, then it's more susceptible to a wide range of illnesses and cancers.  So if your immunity is weakened already, then the sun (among other things) may be harmful.  It's why I am a staunch supporter of getting a good night's rest.  As one of my favorite characters, Jason Bourne, says, "Rest is a weapon."

games - gulf war 2

My eyes are puffy this morning from crying last night.  :(   I hurt a friend's feelings.  As if that weren't enough, I also watched a few friends get their feelings hurt, which in turn pains me.  I hate being so empathetic sometimes.  I feel other people's pain so acutely.  I guess my mood didn't start out well yesterday thinking about all the pain and suffering of the victims of the Chicago Nightclub Stampede and the Korean Subway Fire.  Those are so fucking tragic!  Some of those who died were able to call their loved ones and apprise them of the situation before the phones went dead.  Good god, I can't even imagine that, and here I am crying over hurt feelings.  I feel so trivial.

I'm still happy now even though I have a migraine from the weather shift last night.  Damn, it was hot and balmy all weekend, and now it's 59ºF.  I had to wear a long-sleeved half-shirt.  ;)

Today was the final day of a Week of Romance for my Galahad -- a dozen red roses.  He told me that this is the best Valentine's Day ever for him.  :))  Btw, he sent me gorgeous flowers, too, but the best part of this holiday for me is that I get to spend it with him doing whatever.  I remember last year when he made it special for me even though I was miserable.  He's just a wonderful man.

Last night we watched The Bourne Identity.   It's a great movie, but not like I remembered the book.  Of course, I read the book over 15 years ago, so perhaps my memory isn't all that accurate. 

And my second friend, I just wanna hug until Valentine's Day is over and he's back to his normal effervescent self.  Of course I believe my friends are worthy people, so I have no comprehension of how/why a woman would cast a man like him off.  It's easy for me to say to him that she has no idea the mistake she's made, but of course it's not so easy for him to believe it. 

I don't have many friends, but the ones I do have are of the highest quality of person.  I always feel like I can learn so much from each and every one of them about how to be a better person.  So many people take ethics and integrity for granted.  But in actuality, it's in quite short supply lately, and it makes my heart smile when I see someone who has it.  And, of course on the flip side, it makes my heart cry when I see someone of integrity get hurt and perhaps start to doubt themselves.  I hear women complain that there are no nice men left, and yet I see nice men getting hurt by some of these same women who either have unrealistic expectations or who are not of the same integrity and don't truly appreciate what they had.   

I have learned in my adult years to have a better personal integrity than what I had learned as a child.  I still feel like I have quite a road to traverse, which I suppose makes me notice it more (and admire it) in others.  I sincerely hope that those people who have it and get hurt by others do not unlearn their wonderful traits.  On the eve of this Valentine's Day, I am ever so grateful that Galahad is in my life and treats me like the woman I aspire to be.  Plus he makes me laugh --- even when I'm sick & miserable.  ;)

Last night he surprised me with sushi and two movies, Ice Age and The Bourne Identity.  Ice Age was very cute, and I'm looking forward to The Bourne Identity tonight, although I doubt it will be as good as the book.  Gah, I love that book.

I'm kind of cranky, can you tell?  I guess I'll go to the doctor tomorrow if I don't see any improvement.  I've been downing Thera-Flu, Benadryl, and Imitrex so I can rest medicine.  (Hehe, I have that commercial stuck in my head.)  k...back to bed for me...  Yesterday, I finished one of my books I was reading and the protagonist died on the 2nd to last page.  I hate books like that.  Maybe I'll go watch a Disney movie.  :)

I feel yucky, and I think I have a fever and swollen glands.  :(

I flew home yesterday (thank goodness) and was met by my lovely Galahad who is also sick & miserable.  We spent the day in bed commiserating on being sick.  And, of course, a sinus problem for me is quickly followed by a migraine. So last night, I dosed up on Benadryl & Imitrex and slept for about 6 hours.

Btw, I just reread yesterday's entry and I didn't mean to come across as conceited.  I had several moments of insecurity when I called Galahad and whined about some of my many flaws.  He just gave me a pep talk each time and called them battle scars that I should not be afraid of.  Gah, he's wonderful!!  I also called Maximus previously to get a pep talk, so my confidence was somewhat artificially boosted.  :)

So back to my weird day....

We had a mandatory breakfast for everyone, which I of course would never miss anyway.  Most people looked like shit since they had stayed out partying all night.  Dunno why I got sick cuz I've been doing mostly healthy things --- although my sleep has suffered a bit.  Towards the end of breakfast, we got abruptly interrupted by a group of fighter pilots and megaphones.  They marched us out of there and into another room.  It turns out they were our motivational team building people, affectionately known as Afterburner Seminars.  Their big motto is 'Business is Combat', which I oh so don't agree with.  No one dies when I screw up.  But apparently I was in the minority as everyone else thought it was fabulous.  They were very easy on the eyes though in their sexy flight suits.   ;)  We heard examples of task saturation where 100 people died cuz of 3 people's mistakes.  I thought the whole analogy was a bit harsh, but who the fuck am I anyway?  ;)

We had a 2 hour break (nap time) and then it was off to MGM Studios for dinner.  My company had rented out a part of it for our exclusive use.  We arrived to a tickertape parade in our honor and crowds of people (extras) behind barricades asking for our autographs.  It was cute. 

Dinner was a choice of 3 buffets (Italian, Mexican, or Chinese) along the streets of New York City.  Then, off to the other section for dessert.  My female friend and I were offered a ride by a charming gentleman in his antique car.  We hopped aboard and were driven around like celebrities.  We waved at all of our colleagues (those peasants) who had to walk. 

Four attractions were opened for us:  MuppetVision 3D, Star Tours, Tower of Terror, and Rockin' Roller-Coaster.  I went on only two cuz I didn't think I was up to the rigorous physical toll the other two would take.  I was given all kinds of peer pressure to go on them, but I held my ground and am glad I did.  No emergency trips to my chiropractor needed.  :)

We had a DJ as well who played some great oldies and mixes.  And, I danced with my CEO and with my division president.  Okay, it wasn't close dancing, but they were in my vicinity and made eye contact.  lol.   I was a little bit cold, but the dancing warmed me up.  Btw, I was wearing 3 layers under the jacket that Galahad shipped to me.

It felt kinda good to wow everyone although it was a bit uncomfortable watching my colleague's eyes see me as a sexy woman for once.  Normally, I dress very modestly around them.  A friend asked me if it felt good to watch so many unknown men jump to do my bidding (they did literally jump up) just because of how I was dressed.  My answer was a yes & no.  Yes, it felt nice at first, but no it didn't because I could quickly see how shallow that was.  I would rather make an impression because of my essential wendyness^TM than because some man is listening to his testosterone.  I guess that's why I don't dress all that sexily anymore.  It is fun once in a while to lead a man around by his hormones, but I guess it isn't as much fun for me at a business function.

I'm in-between events right now, so I did the girl thing and washed my hair & shaved my legs.  I'm so sleepy -- I really wanna nap, but then my hair will dry all fucked-up.  Cocktails at 6:30 (which I will be skipping).  Dinner at 7: 30, which I would never skip.  And, the awards banquet at 8:45.  Wish me luck that I don't trip and that my feet don't get too mangled from my 4 inch heels. 

Galahad and I met up with my new friend, Futureboy, at Ft Lauderdale Beach.  We parked at the Beach Place since it was easy & convenient.  We had a great time and walked along the strip until we settled on the little German place, Bierbrunnen.  Galahad had only 1 beer, and I of course had my water.  The food was yummy, and the company was fabulous.  It got later & later and colder & colder, so we finally decided to say goodnight to him and walk back to our car.

We walked back through the Beach Place into the parking garage.  We had parked in a corner spot, and I shivered my way over there, yawning along the way -- yet still trying to be vigilant for potential thugs.  :)   We get to the corner spot, and it's empty.  I'm shocked and starting to feel sick.  Now, I'm wondering if perhaps we parked in a tow-away zone that was hotel only.  We decided to go up one level in case we misjudged.  We walk all the way around the loop to get up, and that corner spot is empty also.  Now, I'm just miserable & so cold.  I keep looking at the empty spot waiting for my car to magically appear.  We start thinking of what we've left in the car that is now gone, too.  Fortunately, I keep my car pretty clean, so I really only had some CD's. 

I'm a redhead (partially) again.  Whew!  I missed it a lot.  :)   I'm still not sure that the shade is right, but Galahad said he likes it. 

After getting it done, I met up with my family to watch my nephew test for his high-red karate belt.  [Big Congrats to him!!!]  And, of course no one noticed/mentioned anything about my hair.  [Don't forget that our family motto is "It's All About Me."]   I take that as a good sign, I think.  At least it doesn't look too freakish.  One of the karate instructors did go out of his way to help me locate my family when I arrived.  Do you suppose he thought I might not recognize them out of 50-60 people?  ;) 

Now that you are curious to know what I did to it....

One more day until I do my hair more funky colors.  Plus, I can't shake this migraine.  I hope I don't still have it tomorrow.  I know the chemicals from the hair color will aggravate it a lot if I do still have it.  :(   

/excited

I hope my hair looks fabulous tomorrow night -- not so fabulous that I look like a freak but fabulous enough so that it makes me smile when I see people's reactions.  :)   I hope my hairdresser is as brave and innovative as I need her to be.  She sounded hesitant when I first described what I wanted but then got more enthusiastic as I went on. 

/indecisive

I left the house this morning fully intending to be home within an hour (90 minutes max) after seeing my chiropractor.  I had plans to clean, do laundry, etc...

I decided to call my friend and stop by and see her for a few minutes.  Wow!  We started chatting and then got into full-blown soul dialogue.  Even though she lives only a few miles from me, we don't seem to coordinate schedules well.  I think most of it is my fault since I like to be reclusive.  Also, she has a hectic schedule with a husband & 2 active teenagers and a business, etc... 

Anyway, I had such a fabulous time with her.  I've known her for about 10 years, and I was able to tell her how much she meant to me finally.  Actually, I don't think I did that great of a job in conveying the magnitude of how much she helped me grow as a woman.  She is a little bit older than me and just taught me so much that I never picked up from my family.  Dunno if that's cuz I was stubborn and wanted to be independent or if the timing was off.  This was about the time my mother was getting really sick before she died.

She helped me through the betrayal of my first heartbreak.  Laugh, I guess a few people helped me through that.  I think that was more painful than anything I have ever gone through in my life.  I have watched other people going through heartbreak, and I think mine hit me worse somehow.  It must be cuz I'm such a highly sensitive person.  lol.  I'm still amazed that I ever tried this whole serious love thing with my Galahad at all.  Gah, that just hurt too much to ever go through again.  I always tell him that he has to outlive me at least by one minute so I never have to feel that pain again.

Btw, going through security at the Philadelphia airport was almost as effortless as the Ft Lauderdale airport. 

I was quite delirious by Friday as I constantly got more & more sleep-deprived every night.  While changing planes in Pittsburgh, I called my friend, Maximus, to chat and to laugh --- which we did.  Because the gate at my connecting flight was crowded, I chose to sit on the floor against the moving walkway, literally out in the middle of traffic.  I had my headset on from my cell phone which is essentially covered by my hair.  I'm guessing I looked quite the sight, sitting on the floor, giggling & laughing to myself.  I received several conspiratorial winks & smiles (and maybe some smirks) from passers-by, including a pilot.   Someone else remarked that I was having entirely too much fun at an airport.  ;)  I think people just need to learn how to laugh more.  Mayhap I should give them Maximus' number....  ;)

Little did I know my fun would end soon....

Some asshole was sitting behind me on the plane and wildly gesticulating while he spoke to the people in the row next to him.   Every time he thought he made some important point (the boor -- yes I could hear him clearly), he would knock his hand against his tray table thereby knocking my seat.  I would have asked him to stop, but I don't think he had any self-awareness that he was doing it.  I did get to see a beautiful sunset though that made my flight a little more bearable. 

I guess it could have been worse if that asshole had been sitting next to me and tried to talk to me the whole flight.  I did my little passive-aggressive move and reclined as far back as I could to try to lessen his hand movements or at the very least just to piss him off a bit.

Everyone here got quite a sadistic thrill from teasing me that a major blizzard was coming.  :)

I barely got any sleep last.  I was kind of cold even with 2 blankets, wearing long-johns, and the heat on all night.  My hair & skin are all dried out now, too.  Plus I woke up at 4 am missing my Galahad.  :(

We went to some shitty buffet place for dinner (I hate most buffets btw) as a group, so I couldn't opt out because I have to be seen as a team player.  My head started really hurting, so I dosed up with Imitrex, and I feel good now.  I think there must be a front coming through as I heard it might snow tomorrow. 

I allowed extra time today at the airport since I know they made all kinds of changes effective January 1.  I can not believe how effortlessly I breezed through the airport and security.  They have these new giant bomb-sniffing machines that checked bags go through.  I checked my bag at curbside since I assumed there would be a long line inside.  Plus I didn't relish wheeling my bag around anymore.  I was already carrying my laptop, my coat, and my purse.  Within 2 minutes from being dropped off at the curb, I was inside receiving my boarding pass from a self-service electronic kiosk. 

Because I didn't see a seat number on it and because there was again no line at all at the counter, I asked the agent there for a seat.  He told me (when asked) that my flight had been oversold by about 4 seats and to ask at the gate for a seat.  Hehe, I was already mentally preparing my argument of why I would not be the one to get bumped.  I knew logically that wouldn't happen as they frequently get more than enough volunteers.  Also, because I'm a business traveler, they are usually more considerate.

<oh goody!  Turbulence>

As I was walking away, I heard a dog bark that sounded hauntingly familiar.  It turns out it's the same dog I heard barking this morning while I was getting ready.  I bumped into my neighbors checking in with their very large, very friendly Rottweiler.  It's the same neighbors whose wife/mother recently died of cancer.  I never got a definite confirmation that she did die, just rumors from other neighbors.  I knew she had been sick and since I hadn't seen her lately, I assumed it was true.  Anyway, I had no idea what to say after my initial hello.  I wanted to express my sympathy; however, I wasn't entirely sure it was warranted yet.  Plus, it seemed to me to be more compassionate to not bring that topic up in the middle of an airport between casual acquaintances.  So, I chit-chatted for a minute and then went off to find my gate.

Again, security was incredibly easy & fast.  I walked through miles (well yards anyway) of empty winding temporary barrier-lines (ala Disneyworld) to get to the security gate.  Again, there was no one in front of me.  I waltzed right through and didn't get searched.  Yay!!  I hate that added indignity of getting felt up in front of strangers.  Okay, sometimes I like it but not usually when I'm in a hurry.  ;)

Who knew I didn't need to hurry in the slightest?  I sauntered towards my gate which was still not even open because I was more than one hour early.  Fuck, how did that ever happen?!?!?  So, I was off to the pizza place to get food as I was starting to get jittery. 

Finally!!!!  There was my mile long line that I had anxiously anticipated.  I watched a captain argue with the minimum-wage worker about how he was buying a whole pizza, so he should be charged for one @ $12.49 instead of 6 slices @ $2.50 each.  This would be why I had allowed the extra time today.  :)  It was quite a long battle.  I wasn't sure who would win based on attrition.  A manager was called over, and the worker & manager argued in Creole about the price.  The worker kept repeating to the captain that it was the same amount of money either way.  And when it was finally rung up @ $13.52, the captain just meekly paid it and realized it was time to concede.  No idea where that extra money came from, but who really wants to argue with someone who barely speaks the same language and doesn't understand the concept of volume discount?

I walked back to the gate where they still didn't have a seat for me; however, they did reassure me that I wouldn't be bumped.  And, there was my neighbor again.  He was on my flight to Pittsburgh where we both were changing planes to different destinations.  I took my pizza and went in search of a quiet place to eat.

I did in fact get on my flight (said hi again to my neighbors as I passed them in my trek through first class into my peasant seat) and proceeded to question someone who didn't know the difference between seat A and seat E.  Sigh... 

I called my Galahad from my cell phone before takeoff to squeeze in that last "I love you" and to tell him about our neighbors.  He agreed that I did the right thing by not bringing up anything deep.  I also left Maximus a voicemail saying hello and let him listen to me bored & rambling on an airplane.  Hehe, I love talking to voicemail sometimes.

INDUSTRIOUS CLOCK ||| MONO*CRAFTS3.0

Well, it turns out that my new book (see below) does not have all the answers for me as of one third of the way through.  Everything that the author has recommended is stuff I'm doing already.  My Galahad tried to put a positive spin on it for me (cuz he knows I like that kind of shit) by saying at least it reinforces me in knowing I'm doing the right stuff for me.  Well, I suppose it does.  But, I was hoping for more concrete assistance than that. 

And, surprise surprise, she gave me a birthday present, too!  Yay!  Before you flood me with email wishing me well on my birthday, I must confess that it I am not within any loose boundary of it being my birthday.  But I still love getting birthday presents, especially when the person took the time to think of me.  :)

Actually, I hate getting presents most times because people put little thought into them, and I have so much stuff already that there isn't anything I need or desire.  The best presents for me btw are consumable items like food, candles (and not the cheap ones either -- I hate those), and books (if you know my tastes).  I hate getting clothes (they don't fit), perfume (I won't wear it), jewelry (I won't wear it), etc...

Anyway, back to my fabulous & well thought out present....

She got me a book (kinda self-helpish which I don't usually like) entitled The Highly Sensitive Person.  The title just blew me away.  Here I was on the cover.  I'm kind of curious as to when she thought of this for me --- if it was one key incident that precipitated the purchase.  She said she read it and it fit me, so I am embarking on a journey to see if I will find answers to some of my lifetime questions.

What questions you might ask? 

How do I tell a friend I would rather be alone than in their company without upsetting them?  How do I not invite people to my house without them feeling unwanted and have them understand it's my Hall of Solitude that I need?  How do I explain to people that I cry often, but it doesn't necessarily mean that they did something horrible to me?  How do I explain to people that when I hear of someone else's pain, I feel that pain, too?  How can I tell someone that I relish tiny things and get great happiness out of some everyday occurrences without sounding like a lunatic?  How do I even start to explain how many things are running in my mind, letting my brain sift through them all concurrently?

I'm not that much of a girly-girl, but having to coordinate all my layers to look presentable at any given time is just too stressful.  Plus, it messes up my hair & make-up upon removing sweaters over the head.  The air is just crackling dry from the overheating and my long hair just stands on end at that point.  Why not just paint "I'm a PhrEak" on my forehead.  I'd get the same effect.

Sigh....

Am I done bitching yet?  = )

I'm really starting to get nervous about my trip to Pennsylvania.  I'm gonna freeze my little ass off, and I can't afford to lose much more from it.  The nurse recently said I was 104.  104!?!?!?!  That's a fucking temperature not a weight.  :( 

I was quite relieved that everything was basically fine.  I tend to be a worrywart even if I don't listen to most doctors' advice about what pills they think we should take.  Galahad apparently felt silly for going and let our doctor know that it clearly hadn't been his idea to go.   :)  Oh well, I have big shoulders -- so to speak.  ;)

Tonight we were just chatting about his visit.  Well actually, I was grilling him for whatever details he could remember.  (Can you tell I don't 100% trust any doctor to serve in our best interests?  He still has to worry about his liability insurance after all.)  Anyway, Galahad casually mentioned that his father's cancer seemed to start out this way.  Normally, I love to hear him reminisce about his father, even the bad times, as I never had the privilege of meeting the man who helped to sculpt my beloved.  But this kind of piqued my female-power-of-worrywart-sense.

I got frustrated, terrified, sad, and envious all at the same time.  I was frustrated cuz he was so blasé.  I was terrified because of the thought that this might repeat in him.  I was sad for the young Galahad who had lost his father at such an early age when he still could have used his advice.  And, I was envious that his attitude about death is so calm and accepting.

I guess maybe I sound blasé sometimes when I speak of my mother's death.  I wonder if I come across as accepting as he does?  I still cry when I hear that someone dies though.  Maybe I just come to acceptance faster.  I think it has to do with the fact that I constantly have him at my side reminding me that death is just another facet of life.

I guess I will start this year with a BIG thank you to all my friends & loved ones (not that these are mutually exclusive.)  I am grateful that I have a big family who cares about me in their own self-centered ways, as I care about them in my own self-centered way.  :)  I am happy that I have many friends, both close ones & casual ones --- depending on what I'm in the mood for.  I am especially overwhelmed (as usual) when I reflect on how my Galahad has positively affected my life and who I am as a person. 

I know you're wondering why I'm suddenly gushing out loud.  I usually gush much more privately or at least individually.  One of my brothers gave me the news a few days ago that a mutual friend of ours (although my brother  was much closer to him) who we've known since our teen years died on Christmas Eve.  I just found out that it was suicide.

He was 34 years old and had two children.  Since he left no note, they weren't sure at first if it was suicide or homicide.  I guess someone figured it out; yet we'll never know exactly why.  I have no problem with people choosing that way to end their pain.  I just wish he had left something to help his children along their journey in life.  They will spend many years in therapy and/or confusion wondering if they were perhaps to blame.

Ric, I'm so sorry you had such a painful life and were not able to find the joy to sustain you.  I hope whatever afterlife there is or isn't brings you peace at last.

To those of you looking for happiness in drugs, I can tell you that you won't find it there.  I have no solid advice for how to find your own peace & happiness.  I know I found mine in my knight in shining armor --- my ever-amazing Galahad.  I also know that you can't normally find it  from another person, so I guess I must have been ready to find it within me and needed a guide to get there. 

Look for your guides anywhere & everywhere.  Accept them when you think you've found one and ask your trusted friends their opinions.  Mayhap some people never find their peace except through death.  I'm an optimist these days, so I believe everyone can find it somewhere as long as you keep searching and working on yourself.  But, I've also been in the deep wells of despair that seemingly have no way out, so I judge no one who takes the route of suicide as the way to end their pain.

Maybe you just know that because of all the bad choices you made, there is no way out.  Dunno...  Weird that he went that path and my brother & I took our own paths.  Ric always seemed so cheerful.  He always had a smile on his face.  We hung out with a pretty dysfunctional crowd.  I wonder where some of the other ones are.  I think my brother and I have lost more friends (most before age 20) than many people lose in a lifetime.  Maybe growing up in Miami in the 80's was to blame or maybe we just gravitated to the other people in psychic pain since we could relate to them.  I'm so glad I'm not in that mental state anymore although I guess being there and escaping it gives me a ton of compassion to others who are there and can't find their way.