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WARNING! This bio is fairly long. Even longer is the story of my coming out. If you're really not interested, you might want to:
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I was born on February 15, 1960 at 4:20 a.m. in a blizzard. This means that on February 15, 2000, I turn 40. My father was a farm hand when I was growing up. We moved a lot in the area between London and Kitchener/Waterloo. I went to 8 different Public Schools in the first 4 years until we moved into London and my Father went into truck driving, and Mother started bookkeeping. I stayed at the same Public School, and then the same High School thereafter.
It was difficult always being the new kid, plus I was short, hefty, wore glasses, was not good at sports, and it was especially hard not knowing that you weren't supposed to try to answer all of the questions. We changed Houses a few times. The next move will be my 21st!
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I went to Wilfrid Laurier University (WLU) in (Kitchener/)Waterloo for Honours Business Administration. In third year, my allergies came out quite insistently. In third year Bus., you have "Core Courses" from 8:30 to 11:30, four mornings a week. Attending these is not very compatable with being awake until 3:00 or 4:00 every morning sneezing and not breathing, so I changed to a General Degree in Geography (after a disasterous semester trying to finish a degree in Psychology by taking 5 half-credits in Psych).
In university, I got the socialization that I missed in public and high school by living in residence for 4 years. I learned to talk hockey, kept the beer pool stocked and managed the house league champion Ball Hockey team.
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I graduated during the recession of '84 and was unemployed for 6 months. Just as the interest-free period on my student loan was ending, I started work as a clerk with Centennial Home Renovations (later known as "Centennial Windows - The Window Specialists"). Centennial eventually become "Canada's largest integrated seller/manufacturer/installer of vinyl replacement windows." I was with Centennial for 11 years, 2 months and 26 days. I was "laid off" in June 1996, with 5 weeks vacation and 8 weeks severance. I'm employed now. In August of 1997, I started work as a Software Specialist at OASIS-Auto Complete Systems which makes software for car dealerships. I'm usually on Help Desk, but I spend some time at the dealerships doing installations and training. I like my job about 85% of the time, which is a pretty good percentage for any job.
In 1989, I moved out to share an apartment with (what turned out to be) two absolute dweebs. In 1990, we got our notice so that the landlord's daughter could have the apartment with the hardwood floors, and we moved upstairs in the duplex next door. (Don't ever move to the next building, or if you do, rent a truck and drive around the block.) I was very heavily closeted (and the 2 dweebs might have been too) and no one both knew me and knew that I was gay. But the two dweebs were nosy. I found that things had been moved in my room, my mail was "accidentally" opened and I heard the phone "click" a few times. I eventually got a post office box, a lock on my door and my own phone line.
In November '88 my friend Jim invited me to go the UFL (the Unitarian Fellowship of London. It was a revelation. In March '89 I joined the Fellowship and was on the Board by May '89.
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In July '89 I went to EAGLES, the Eastern Great-Lakes Leadership School, which is our church district leadership school. EAGLES was held that year at Unirondack, our church camp in the Adirondacks. It was a 13 hour drive from London (I didn't know!) but I thought I'd get a cheaper hotel somewhere on the U.S. side of the border, outside of Niagara Falls. but this was the weekend of the Armed Forces call up for the Gulf War! There was no room at the Inn, any Inn. I drove to Rochester. That's when I found there was a room shortage. So I drove some more, and eventually pulled off at the Thruway rest stop for a couple of hours sleep (in a rented Firefly).
With my back aching, I drove to the intersection with US 100. There's a hotel on each "corner" there. No one had any rooms. But the Ramada agreed to let me have one as soon as it became free and could be cleaned. The other hotels weren't interested. After an hour in the lobby, I thanked them, and continued on my way. I eventually found a little motel called "La Hacienda" where the Air Force guys had checked out at 5:00 a.m. and the owner/manager/cleaner had cleaned a room already. I got 5 hours sleep and then went on.
Unirondack was pretty isolated, and all week, we could hear the planes going overhead, without really knowing what was going on in the world. It was also an intense week of study, group formation, worship services, Unitarian history and theology and making friends (and 1 not-quite enemy). Stress was high; everyone was out of their element; and emotions were coming to the top.
The worship services were all experimental and unusual that week. At the last morning worship, as an allegory for the ending of the week, the group presenting was asked to present "The Church is Done". They presented it as if Unitarian Universalism had been outlawed. With the suspension of disbelief we were all partaking in, the close bonds we had formed and the uncertainty of a possible World War III happening out there, most of us were very emotionally attached by then. The experiential part of the service was choosing a local rock to symbolize the permanency of the links we had formed. We all chose a rock we found "right" for us, but many of us invested a lot of emotion in those rocks. We also joked about a rock-in-the-hand becoming a "secret sign" for us outlawed UU's. Then the presenters asked us to return our rocks. We all dutifully did. But after the service, six or seven of us "had" to find our rocks, which had been carefully placed on the ground near the lake. I still have that rock. It's one of the two things that I would grab if there was a fire in the house.
During the week, we studied group dynamics and personality types. For the first time in my life I felt valued as a person. THIS EXPERIENCE CHANGED MY LIFE! Before, I was shy, in my shell, quiet, studious and couldn't stand crowds. I couldn't "interrupt" a conversation to join in, so when there was a pause and I said something, it was usually 3 topics behind. At EAGLES, I came out of my shell. I lead "Rah Rah's" as an energizer in our group's workshop. I even joked in a loud voice about "coming out of the closet" as I was introducing myself ... followed by a quieter "I've changed from and 'I' to an 'E'." (That's an Introvert to an Extrovert. Sometimes things have a way of backfiring (See Coming Out for details).
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On the way back from EAGLES, I stayed with my (soon-to-be) friend Barry, who lived in Buffalo. Barry is straight, but I had wondered. He was the first person I ever told I was gay. It was fine with him; he's a UU, and judges a person by what they do, not what they are. This too was a revelation for me. I was to take many trips to Buffalo from then on, about one a month. You see, I met Jeanne and her girls, and her boyfriend Dave (they're in L.A. now) and Roy (who's on, I mean in Mars, PA) and others, and they were all fine with me being gay. I was "out" in Buffalo for years before I was "out" at home. For a while, these were the most important people in my life, for we had spent many past lives together. (See my Odyssey/Credo for more on that.)
Later that year, I was asked to be on the planning staff for EAGLES for a three-year term. For two years it was held at the Holy Cross Centre for Ecology and Spirituality at Port Burwell, just outside of London on Lake Erie. This is a Passionist Community, and not at all like any other Roman Catholic group I had experienced before. You may have heard of Thomas Berry, who does a week-long seminar there every year. I went on as Treasurer, Dean/Registrar (responsible for local facilities) and eventually as Worship Coordinator. For three years, I spent my summer vacations "doing" EAGLES. It was what I looked forward to all year.
My last year at EAGLES was very significant. I had become fairly well-known in the District, and was one of the longest-serving committee members. Part of the program for the week included "Credo Group" (from the Latin for "I Believe"). Each evening we would discuss our beliefs around some question that had been posed in the morning. It was also a support group to counter all the stress from the other parts of the week. The five of us, John, Joan, Jean, Hanneloré, and myself found that we all believed in and found Angels to be important to us.
Angels became the bond between us, and Joan gave each of us a tiny angel she had found at a gift store in town. (We still tend to send each other Yuletide cards with angels on them.) I had come out to the group on the first day, and had remarked on how pedantic (OK, anal-retentive) I was about it. I had a list of the people I had told I was gay. The four of them became numbers 32 to 35, and at the end of the week, I bought 4 plastic hearts and had the numbers 32 to 35 printed on them, and gave them as rememberances. These were the last people I ever bothered counting, and I thank them for helping me accept myself.
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In March 1995, I had finally come to terms with being gay, and was beginning to get used to being accepted by UU's wherever I went for being me, who happened to be gay. Our Minister, Jane Bramadat, had been after me for a couple of years to do my Odyssey/Credo. I didn't feel I could do it until I felt comfortable enough to come out to the Congregation. By now, I felt that I could. I also "came out" as being New Age, Spiritualist, neo-Pagan and believing in Angels. The response to my orientations was "And...." People were more interested in my Theology. It was actually a bit of a let-down. Only one person was interested in the fact that I was gay. Sort of a mixed blessing.
In August of '95, my father died of heart failure after a successful operation to improve the circulation in his legs. Dad was a redneck, a homophobe and when some bit of gay news would come on the TV, he would often talk of "rounding them all up and putting them in a camp, like the Japanese". (He was generally xenophobic.) I had made the decision to not come out to him. I still think it was the right one. It wouldn't have improved my life or his, and would have probably sent me out into the street, or possibly him.
I had decided to tell Mom. Mother and I always had more in common
than Father and I--we both did accounting, read a lot, had been to
post-secondary education, had similar personalities. Father was
always the odd one out--Grade 4 education, did not read or add
well, was more outgoing. On December 31, 1995, I finally told Mom. I was going
to a New Year's Eve party, and would be out all night, and Mom
wanted to know who was I taking, and why not a nice girl, etc. I
told her. She was stunned (I'm a very good actor). She had no
idea. If anyone else had told her, she would have ripped into
them, she said. She did ask about my one cousin (who is gay). But
very shortly she said two of the most wonderful sentences I have
ever heard:
"You're still the same person you've always been." and
"I still love you."
Since then, I've become unemployed, reemployed, had 6 boyfriends (still have 2), and had a lot of fun with Square Dancing, Bears and friends in London. But I am still often torn between feeling lonely and feeling crowded. I want a permanent relationship, but I don't want to remain celibate while finding one. I want greater freedom to do things in the gay community, but I have made a commitment to take care of my Mother, who is not well. I don't know what exactly to do, but I'm going to keep trying. Somewhere, there has to be someone for me.
Thank you for reading all of this.
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