I'm having vertigo and hot flashes from the paxil ween. Along with that, my temper is back full force. At least it seems my motivation has returned, and I have actually accomplished something today. Too bad it comes at the expense of my calmness. I guess I may never attain a state of both productivity AND serenity.
I'm officially in possession of my apartment now. I think I'll spend Saturday night there. My money has stopped leaking away. Especially now knowing I may get shitcanned, I think I'll play frugal. I've got an appointment Monday for blood work to test hormone levels. I plan to also see if they can get me a PET scan. THAT would be great, if I didn't have to pay for it. I'm scheduled for an appointment on the 20th with a new therapist at 4 PM. Same building as where my old therapist is. Interesting, huh?
Ever wonder how strong you are? How much crap you can take? I think I realized I'm as strong as I NEED to be. Some times I feel indestructible. Right now, against the fear of being fired, and against the fear of the unknown, I simply know I refuse to roll over and take shit from ANYONE any more. I will survive. And, if I DON'T, it won't be from lack of trying.
Wanna know something funny? My company is unhappy with me, because I've been way unproductive. Now, I sit here with nothing to do, and no work to be assigned. Hah! There's a laugh.
My head is throbbing, I'm getting visual distortions, kinda like a mushroom trip, only less fun...
I had this image when I was told I was headed for unemployment land, that I wanted to blow my brains out, that the problem was insolvable. Then, I flashed on the thought of bringing the gun to work, taking my boss for hostage and forcing him to watch me do myself, maybe even getting him with the splatter. Sick huh? Anyway, I crushed the thought. Fairly easily I might add. That was my old self thinking. I'll have none of that anymore. It's miopic thinking. I think 'there's no way out', but there is, there always is, and life tends to hand you opportunity when things seem dark. A friend of mine sent me a web site for a local company that makes video games, that's just about my lifelong dream. Being a 3D artist would totally kick ASS! The job is mine, even if they don't know it yet! (smile)
I'm going to have EVERYTHING I want in life. Watch me!
Sing along! 'I am woman, hear me roar!' Ahahahahahahaaaaa!
03-Mar-00
Ya know? I've gotta wonder,... okay,
and this is gonna sound cruel, should it really be illegal to kill REALLY
stupid people? I was reading about a mail fraud scheme from Nigeria, where
someone went there and was murdered. All for the lure of easy money. Doesn't
that kind of greed deserve death?
Speaking of which... I've been thinking about this fellow, in the St. Louis area. A friend of mine was sexually assaulted by him, and I can't stop thinking about what proper retribution on him would be. I think branding him with the word 'Rapist' on his forehead with a wood engraver would be a good start.
Obviously, with the decline of the Paxil, I am returning to my Am-I-Evil mindset. No thought, no matter how base or vile, gets filtered. I think it all, and only my morality filter stops it before it goes into action. Good thing for morals, huh?
But...wasn't it a misguided moral that held me back from understanding all this stuff of self in the first place? Well, there's babies and there's bathwater I guess. Geez, never thought I'd use THAT old analogy.
Ramble, ramble, if I see a point, I'll make sure to avoid it. (laugh)
.... Brain tired, visual distortion again... prolly oughta take half a paxil... Oh, well.
Weekend is nearly upon me... Moving... bad weather, figures...
I've got to disassemble my desk and move it, along with my computer stuff tomorrow. I always worry when I move a computer. Expensive and fragile, not my favorite combination.
Damaged Goods.
We pass them over, the items that are
flawed. I have gone to an import store and noticed I can get 15 to 30%
off the price listed if an item has some minor defect. We throw away items
that function quite well, but are not pristine.
I am sad to say we do the same with people. I guess some people only want superficial contact, never wanting to know the full depth of others. I am beginning to see that it is the weight we bear that reveals our strength, and it is the scars we wear that show our battles won.
How quickly I have found my friends and family turn their backs on me, just when I need them the most. Right at the time when I finally turn to face my fears, my pain. Just as I deal with the greatest hurdles, they abandon me. I feel like a leper left alone on an island. They see me as... what? Damaged goods? Don't they love me unconditionally? I guess not.
I didn't want to face my issues because I didn't want to lose all the people I loved in my life, and when I finally faced my fear of losing everything, instead of being rewarded with my loved ones cradling me in their loving arms, I'm cast out. Already wounded and frightened, I am now shunned and alone. It seems my fears are justified... somewhat. The truth is I am not alone. At least not all the time.
But in the wee hours when no one is around, and I can take off my 'brave' face, sometimes it feels that I am about to be crushed under the pressure of the circumstances of my life. I almost laugh, but more often cry, at the cold irony of my fate. I am told that you are truly TS only if you feel you have no choice about the transition
7-Mar-00
I met with a local doctor yesterday
and had my hormone levels tested. Scheduled for a followup in one month.
Waiting...waiting... (sigh)
Finally got a new free ISP (Juno, thanks!) and got my diary updated. So it's no longer a month out of date! Anyway, been a long day, good night all. I hope things settle down soon.
Empty space…
I am calm today. I feel very good. It is, I’m sure, some combination of sleeping well last night, and the Celexa (I was taken off Paxil, and put on it by the doctor I saw), and the spiro.
I’m sitting here at work waiting for something to do. The files I’m supposed to be working on haven’t been sent to me by our configuration manager, so I sit… and wait… I seem to be doing a lot of that lately. I fixed a COBOL compiler problem this morning, spent some time documenting what I did, surfed the Fox news web site (www.foxnews.com) for science/technology issues, and if nothing comes up soon, I’m gonna hit the 2600 site and read about hacking all afternoon. I’m sort of a hacker wannabee, I guess. Oh, wait… our server is down… (sigh). I’m TRAPPED in the bitty-box! I feel SO claustrophobic! (laugh)
Well, my new place is working okay. There’s a restaurant directly below my apartment that blows it’s kitchen smell straight up to my bedroom window. My apartment always smells like steak. It’s CRUEL! (laugh)
St. Louis’s Central West End (mostly Euclid, East of Forest Park from Forest Park Parkway north to Mmmm… not quite Delmar) is a VERY cool neighborhood. My apartment looks down onto Euclid. GREAT location, very ‘happening’ place. There’s a lot of openly gay folks, even a gay bar (The ‘Loading Zone’?). I went in and found it thumping with dance music (Cher, Gloria Estaphon, other irritating stuff). Kind of a meat-market. Hah! I hated the bar scene when I thought I was after girls. It doesn’t matter WHAT I’m after, I hate bars! Still, nice to know a gay bar is tolerated. There’s also an alternative bookstore called ‘Left Bank Books’. Very nice place. There are also a zillion restaurants and coffee shops.
I need to go out to a store and get more clothes. I have NO wardrobe. There’s a big chunk-o-money there! Lets not even mention shoes, jewelry… or most of all, make-up! (sigh) I guess it’ll happen eventually.
09-Mar-00
Well, I went out to a clothing resale
shop ('The Scolar Shop' across Brentwood from the Galeria) and bought $100
worth of clothing. That equaled about 4 skirts, 7 blouses (3 of which are
100% silk) and a dress. Wow. I went right after work, plopped the bundle
of clothing on the counter and the lady said 'You know, all purchases are
final, and I KNOW you didn't try any of this stuff on...', then looked
rather flustered and embarrassed. (snicker)
I'm wearing this nice lavendar silk blouse and long blue pleated skirt now. Nice having something of a wardrobe. I'm sure it'll grow... alot... (smile)
14-Mar-00
Wow. It's nice for me today. I've been
feeling alone in the new apartment. I knew I would. Last night my friend
TR called. He's worried about the health of his mom. He wears his heart
on his sleeve. I like that about him. I think he's finally come to accept
my being TS. I think that's great.
That makes... like TWO people who accept. (laugh) I guess there are other
people from my pre-Lynn life that accept, but they're certainly scarce.
I feel pretty good. Tired, ya know, but good. I came home, had a sandwich, and then went about tweezing my eyebrows, shaving, and applying makeup. I need lotsa practice. The whole process took about an hour and a half. Not TOO bad, I guess. Removing the makeup sucked too. Cold cream is your friend! (smile) I prolly oughta write a page about what I learn so other M-t-F TSs don't have to stumble around in the dark. Okay, first off, go get a copy of the book 'Making Faces'. The author knows alot more than me.
I think I finally got a good natural tone down this evening on my beard shadow. That's a trick I won't need much longer, I hope. I sometimes wish I just had a couple grand to drop in RK's lap, plop in her chair-o-torture, and let her burn every frickin hair off my face at one sitting. I'd put up with the pain for the chance to be rid of this facial hair faster.
It's funny, right now when I look in the mirror, I don't see a male, I see an unattractive female. It's a start, I guess. (laugh) It would be nice if I could lose the muscle mass in my upper body. It would ALSO be nice if my jaw wasn't so pronounced on the corners, and my chin didn't look like the Grand Canyon. (giggle)
Critical analysis of every detail! Whee! Calves too muscular. Butt too hairy! ... You, ahh... you probably didn't want to know that, huh? (laugh) receding hairline... which seems to be returning nicely (go spiro!) Ah, well. I'm going to bed. I've got the StLGF meeting this weekend, and don't know what I want to wear.
Ya know, I'm finding it's not easy being a woman. I guess you women already KNEW that, huh? Sorry for seeming so shocked by this revelation. Guys don't care how they look, and really aren't judged or even looked at all that critically. Women are heavily scrutinized by EVERYONE, even... no, scratch that... ESPECIALLY by other women. I have been told that teen girls are very likely to out a TS in transition. Apparently, they are especially aware and critical of the appearance of others. Funny side note here, my first time outside my house dressed, I went to the now-closed Front Page. On the way from the car to the bar, I and the lady I was with, were harrassed by a gaggle of teenaged girls. I almost cried! I was so mortified, embarrassed... OUTED! (LAUGH) Anyway... I'm REALLY going to bed this time. G'night.
16-Mar-00
It's 1 am and I just woke up from a
'nap' I took when I got home from work. I was feeling really tired and
rather depressed, and decided to just shut down for a while. So... 7 hours
later I wake up, and here I am, unable to go back to sleep. I had dreams
of being with an old friend... sexually. I was thinking about something
TR's friend said... 'if you're going to be gay, BE GAY'. I'm not gay. My
sexuality is definitely up in the air right now, but either sex of partner
I wish to be with, it's still with me as female. The spiro
has allowed me to stayed tucked much longer and without any real discomfort.
Every time I sit down to pee, all that stuff comes back into position and
I'm reminded what I am... and it hurts.
I read in the side effects for spironolactone that 10% of users develop breast tissue. 50% of patients on 150mg a day develop it. Funny that I would actually WANT such a side effect to occur, huh?
Something had me really pissed on the drive home today, feeling like I used to feel all the time. And coming home, to the apartment, and knowing there would be no one here, no one to greet me or care if I was here or not... no messages on the answering machine... no nothing.. it's a lonely place for me right now.
I feel like I'm making a slow permanent change from male to female, but being here in the middle sucks. And I NEVER want to go back. Every inch I move forward makes me realize how far I was from where I should have always been. Knowing that I'm never going to REALLY be female hurts, I guess. Like I'm cheated of any clear definition of who I am. I wonder if it will bug me when males start treating me like 'one of THEM'? I only feel that from females right now, but who knows how long that will last?
I have a friend at work, JM, she's been great about this, listening to me, just accepting... it's really nice. We go to lunch occasionally, and chat. I guess it's like 'girl talk'. I think she accepts me for who I am.
I went for an interview with a consulting firm today after work. Should my current position fall through, I'd like to have everything primed for starting somewhere else. I seriously considered disclosing the TS stuff, but decided it would be monumentally unwise. Sad, huh? Knowing what the world at large thinks of my 'condition'.
I guess that's all for now.
Later that day...
Wanna know something? We ALL die one
day. I believe no amount of scientific understanding will ever change that.
Some times I sit and wonder why I feel so bound to play by societal rules
that I was never allowed to establish. Why should I participate in a game
I don't like? Laws are in place for the betterment of primarily the rich
or majority. Everyone else gets shit on, and there's precious little they
can do about it. I am among the few, and I don't like it. I have no legal
protection from being discriminated against due to being TS.
Worse, I don't have the energy to change that. Even if I WASN'T rather
swamped in my own personal problems, and thought I could make a difference,
not enough people care. We're all looking out for our own interests, me
included.
Anyway, so we're all gonna die some day, and only the days between now and then should matter. I get up on some mornings tired as hell, but I still realize every day I get up, I can TRY to change my fate. Many days I fail. On a few wonderful occasions, I succeed.
I guess with so little time in life to find wisdom, happiness, understanding, I wonder why I waste my time in a little flourescent lit cubicle working for a company who in turn works for the transportation portion of the U.S. Air Force. What's the point? Yeah, I know, money. Blah!
I'd like to just buy a chunk of land and work it, plant gardens and such. The hell with the rest of the world. It's all just a sick rat race of self-centered moneygrubbers anyway. I've been in the city too long, I hate it.
Yeah, I know it's not a realistic view. There ARE good people who still play by the rules of society. I just realized yesterday that a lot of my anger is from lifelong frustration.
(sigh)...
Names... I keep wondering what I will name myself when the time comes. Even in my dreams, others refer to me by a number of names. A rose by any other name... (smile) I like 'Lynn', but can't find anything to put with it, and a single syllable name just isn't long enough.
21-Mar-00
Met with my new therapist last night.
While I am optimistic, I still reserve my opinion for later. She seems
like money is by far not her primary concern, which is good. As has been
my track record with meeting new therapists, this meeting was wrought with
difficulty. I lost the paper I’d written the meeting info on, which had
the therapist’s number, address, and meeting time. So, not remembering
when the meeting was, I went the building she works in (which I remembered)
an hour earlier than I should have. I looked her up on the directory, and
then waited for the elevator … which never came. So up the stairs I went,
feeling really dumb. And I sat and waited, and read a printed copy of my
diary I had brought with me to give her.
The meeting went well, and very quickly. I didn’t want a lot of rehashing of old stuff, so I requested that she read my diary in its entirety. She agreed. So, she’ll probably go over a lot of things in it next time we meet (in two weeks).
I wonder if this one will help me more make progress, or if she’ll end up making me feel even more resentful of the mental healthcare profession? Cold, huh?
A friend of mine told me in the midst of other problems, his doctor is unable to determine the cause of recurring elevated white blood cell counts. He may have a rare blood disorder, a failing organ, or cancer, none of which are good options. It seems I am the only person given this terrible secret so far.
I’m really tired. I stayed up too late last night. Whew. Losing a friend to cancer would be a tough one. Being the one with cancer would definitely be worse. How do you make peace with God, or the universe, or whatever? I tell people that God only responds to me with silence. That’s frustrating.
It’s tough to look at religions, see the comfort it can give you, if you’re just willing to overlook some minor details. It’s an interesting logic trap that Christianity uses to bring in even scientifically minded people. Either there IS a God, or there isn’t. If there IS, and you believe, you go to heaven. If there is and you don’t believe, you go to hell. If there isn’t and you believe, no real problem, If there isn’t and you don’t believe, no real problem. So, if you believe, you’re covered whether there is a God or not. Logic trap. A mean one.
Let me compare three basic belief systems:
Christian, Wiccan, and Satanic. Keep in mind this is heavily paraphrased.
Christianity: Do unto others as you
would have them do unto you.
Wiccan: And it harms none, do as you
will.
Satanic: Do as you will shall be the
sum of the law.
My brother-in-law believes in UFOs. He studies it avidly. Is it any less absurd a notion than God in the flesh, or women trapped in men’s bodies? Who am I to judge? I tend to think there are other intelligent (as we define it) life forms. Anyway, before he studied the UFO phenomena, he studied paranormal phenomena of mystics and saints. All of them, the gray aliens, the mystics of various religions, and Catholic saints all displayed very similar abilities. Have they somehow ascended our understanding? If so, doesn’t the fact of holy people of various religions all reaching this level of awareness kind of put doubt into the theory of there being only one correct path to God? I have not given up my quest for spiritual enlightenment, I just know that it won’t be found in the midst of bible thumping baptists.
Well, why bring all this stuff up? What does religion have to do with gender issues? Well, what is our purpose in living? Are we supposed to remain miserable in our lives? I can’t believe that. Then, it is a struggle to make ourselves happy? Living only for ourselves? Not that either, it is the attempt to be happy while remaining responsible for not messing up other people’s lives. Either the Christian or Wiccan philosophy would match this partially. Satanism wouldn’t. It is a nearsighted belief system.
If Christianity held at that one law, I would be all for it! But, someone introduced the idea that all these ancient writings are 100% literal. Now, there are a bunch of folks who go around saying patently absurd things because they take everything in the bible completely literally. The world is 6-8000 years old. Well, if we know how to make a diamond, and we have found naturally made diamonds, and that process can be determined to take X years under geothermal pressure, and that time is vastly LONGER than 8000 years, then guess what? YOU’RE WRONG. The world is NOT 8000 years old! Maybe I should stop before I piss someone off… (smile)
22-Mar-00
The road I travel vanishes in the distance,
and it feels as though my legs are made of lead. I stumble forward, no
longer driven by muscle, but pushed forward by will. I'm so tired. I'm
so lost. I'm so alone. Do I curse God for having ever made this desolate
stretch of weed-choked path? Should I view it as a crucible, a purification
of my soul? Is it a test, for my spirit to win over my flesh? When I beg
God for the answer, and all that I hear is my own pulse throbbing in my
ears, and the grating of my ragged breath, I know I'm alone. When I pass
a songbird, so content with its place in the sum of things, I see just
enough evidence to restore my faith, make me think perhaps I'm just not
shouting loud enough for God to hear. Through all this, my body staggers
on, driven to some place beyond what I can see. Moving in both time and
space. Likewise, my mind travels, needing so desperately to know why. There
is no rest, no stopping to notice the beauty around me. With so few days
ahead, I am driven to find that place where I should be. I wander without
compass, in hopes of finding my home. Some say it's the journey that matters,
not the destination. I don't know. I only know I'm seeking something I
have yet to find. I am a traveler. Some have called me brave, but more
often I feel like the fool than the knight. There is no simply being for
me. The need to know, to find, it both creates endurance from nothing,
and grinds my bones to powder. I want to rest. I think I've forgotten how.
Is this hell? Is this just the way life is? Am I insane, or am I just beginning
to touch the truth beyond the lies our senses tell us?
Yeah, sometimes that poetic stuff just gushes out. Ooo, I sound SO philosophical. (laugh) Really, I'm just tired. Constantly. Every time I am brought to task, asked if I've thought about what I'm doing, I DO think about it. And every time, I decide I'm on the right path. Maybe I am pausing to catch my breath. Why move toward a goal you have to reconsider whether you wish to attain? In all this, right now, it just seems my life has no point, no meaning, no value. I just exist and struggle against unpleasant happenings. I try to convince myself it all has a meaning, it will eventually open up into happiness, but that's hard to see when you're waist deep in crap.
Maybe it's the Celexa. I don't think it's doing it's job. I've been sleeping a huge amount lately. I came home from work yesterday, went to sleep till 7, was up till 11 and went back to sleep. I wanted to wash dishes and do a couple loads of laundry, but I just ... didn't care enough. I'm feeling too unattached from life right now. I offered to let a friend from out-of-state move in. I need another human to anchor me to reality. I'm drifting away. I TRY to care, but... I'm headed back into the gray. It's bad when I want to die... it's worse when I don't care either way. Apathy is dangerous.
I feel utterly unneeded, unproductive, deformed and useless. Yeah, this definitely has chemical components. There's no reason for feeling this crappy. Sleep is my chance to not exist, I think. Unbeing. Not dead, not alive, just gone, for a while. Dark place. I don't like it here. I need to muster the energy to get out. Good luck there, Lynn.
My friend CL said other friends had asked how I was doing. Why don't they just ask me directly? Am I infectious? That's how being treated as a second-hand relationship makes me feel.
I haven't been hungry since I started the spiro. I think that's another depression thing. Every other time (before the SSRIs) when I got depressed, I just wanted to eat everything. Now... no dinner last night, or the night before. Losing weight (I think). I'd like to get down to about 155, but doing it by starvation isn't very bright.
Ahead of me, I see trouble with my coworkers, many on my project are conservative Christians. I see hundreds of hours in RK's dentist chair, getting electro. Social humiliation, fear, and prejudice ahead. Actually I'm not seeing much good in the short term. Maybe I'll get better with makeup. Wohoo (said in monotone).
Guess I'll go home tonight and clean the apartment, do laundry, maybe go grocery shopping. Reconnect to reality, basically, or at least what PASSES for reality. (smile) Well, I feel a little better now. I need food.
Later... I just got back from lunch (Hooters hot wings). I don't know whether to feel attracted to or envious of the waitresses there. Maybe both. (sigh) Confusion. The wings were good though! I told the last member on my team I think would handle all this well. The rest...?? Who knows? I don't want to cause trouble. I just want to be who I am, without fear of reprisal.
God, I'm writing NB, and finding this weird mix of feelings of safety, being loved, physical and mental attraction. I think I have a crush! (giggle) Sitting here at work, I just got back from the restroom, where I was too critical about my appearance, and swished back to my desk. Let me explain the swish. I've mentioned it before. It's like walking a tightrope, feet one in front of the other, which requires shorter strides and causes the hips to sway. And my hands were bent backward at the wrists, head up. I feel really amazingly female right now. Letting myself explore my emotions. This is the second time in as many days I've had a major emotional explosion. Yesterday, thinking about my friend with the health problems, I had to go in the bathroom, because I started crying. AT WORK! How utterly unprofessional, and very alive it made me feel. Yes, Lynn, you have a heart, it can feel both happy and sad. Learn to love it, dear.
I wonder if the spiro cutting the T is causing an emergence of emotion, or if I'm just loosening my tight rein. Feeling anything, good or bad, is better than feeling nothing. I've probably said that before, huh?
The soundtrack to my life... I'm sitting here listening to Jimmy Buffett 'One particular Harbor' MP3 on my computer, I need to get this on CD. I also listened to Metallica 'One' today, and an old fave from them 'Fade to Black'... and Charlie Daniels' 'Devil went down to Georgia'. Hah! And.. somehow closest to my heart ... Jethro Tull. I'm listening to 'Moths' from 'Heavy Horses' right now.
'The leaded window opened
to move the dancing candle flame.
And the first moths of summer
suicidal came
to join in the worship
of the light that never dies
in a moment's reflection
of two moths spinning in her eyes.'
I'm a big ball of emotion... why? What's happening? Is this it? Breakdown? Who knows?
24-Mar-00
Bugs, bees and ostriches:
I had a weird dream last night. I found
this odd looking bug in my house. It looked a bit like a crayfish, but
was gray, and it's tail didn't have the fins on the end. It also didn't
have the pinchers. It's head had a bunch of little tentacle/tendrils/feelers
off the front and it was about an inch long. After discovering one, I found
there were a bunch of them in the room I was in. Then, I found them in
my pocket, and their eggs in my pocket as well. I dumped the eggs and live
bugs out on the floor and squished them. I remember seeing a bee attack
one of them, using it's mandibles to cut the bug's body apart, and it flew
off with the back section of the bug. I remember saying something to someone
in the dream, telling them it was called the thorax, but after waking up,
I think the thorax is the center section of an insect, so it would have
been the abdomen the bee took. After the bug dream was a short dream about
riding along on a motorcycles following behind a flock of ostriches. The
ostriches all had little half-developed hands instead of wings, and carried
gallon jugs of water as they ran.
As for the bug dream, I think I could safely interpret it to mean I feel I'm getting rid of something nasty. Digging into the pocket, pulling out these nasty slimy black eggs reminded me of what I've described as a bucket of hate/rage I have. Emptying the pocket was like leeching off some of that anger or frustration. In addition, the bee would be electrolysis. I've thought of electro as being stung thousands of times. Now, at least in my dreams, the bee is working for me. The ostrich dream... Mmmm, I have no clue, but the water I understood. I woke up thirsty. (laugh) Strangely, I woke up at 5:59, and have been waking up constantly just before my alarm goes off.
Having that dream felt like something of a validation that I really am on the right path. I find I'm not pissed in traffic any more, and it doesn't feel like when I was on Paxil, like I've been heavily medicated.
I talked with a friend in Colorado for almost an hour last night, splitting the call halfway, so she called me back and that way each of us paid for half. We are in many ways alike (hi SLA). Every thing we speak of.. it's like we had the same life, just in two places, weird. It's so strange living so long thinking I was the only person going through what I'm going through, and then finding others whose life was so similar. And there are MANY of us, just spread out over the country... and world. If I were not in the age I'm in, where information travels literally at the speed of light, I would have likely never known, never figured out, just suffered year after year.
Claws:
I went out yesterday, intent on purchasing
a canister of mace or CS. The store I went to was out, but the other item
I wanted to pick up they had: I was looking for a single hand opening lockblade.
I ended up getting a small spiderco, 3" partially serrated blade,
with matte black plastic body. It looks very mean, as was my intent. The
blade I wanted should look nasty, be very sharp and capable of inflicting
ugly surface wounds, exactly what I got. I hope I never need to use it.
The mace is on order. Call me paranoid, but, as I've said before, I'm not
going to be an easy target.
Later... Again I came home from work and went to sleep. DB and a friend of hers came by, woke me up, and we spent some time together. It's 10PM now and I don't yet feel tired enough to go to bed. (sigh) DB thinks that the lethargy is from spiro. I have no hormones either way to get me motivated. It kinda sucks. But, the emotions coming out make me feel better. The dream this morning made me feel a LOT better. Contrast this against the dream of the soldier and the girl. Worlds of difference.
26-Mar-00
My life seems to follow predictable
patterns. It seems every meeting I try to arrange with any mental healthcare
professional has rocky beginnings, and every time I've gone to the follies
for StLGF (Granted,
that's only been twice) I've been outed. Last night, the walk to NB's car
was about a block or so. On the way, we passed several couples, and a group
of three young (Late teens?) black men, who kindly decided to loudly anounce
when noticing I wasn't female 'Damn, that was a MAN'. You know, I'm sure
I don't fool many people yet, but there seems to be an unspoken agreement
that if someone notices, they just don't say anything. Maybe it's a cultural
thing.
How did I feel about it? Well, nothing came of it. No one was harmed, no damage done. All it told me was at night, on a fairly well lit street, when walking within inches of someone, I don't pass. Welcome to real world tests, Lynn. What better guage to use than that? It's funny. I was so scared walking out of my apartment, into the hall, out of the building, down the street, feeling so totally vulnerable, with my shoes (flats) clopping with each step, calling attention to me. And when the young men spoke, then began calling back at me, I reached down to where I'd clipped the little spiderco to my skirt. Fear... waiting for something worse to happen, for the situation to escalate, but it didn't. I think I can handle being outed loudly in public, as long as that's all the farther it goes. Let people talk, it's a guarenteed libery in America. Words don't sting like they used to.
27-Mar-00
Still thinking about the 'outing' on
Saturday night.
I heard Hillary Swank took best actress award for 'Boys Don't Cry'. Now I DEFINITELY need to see it. I bet it would just tear me up inside though. It really feels that it's a victory for the gender community. Everyone suffers in life, but some of the most brutal atrocities I've heard in recent years have been done to gays and transgendered.
No, I don't expect life to be fair. It just ought to not have people tortured and severely persecuted for who they are. But really, homosexuality is still not accepted by vast amounts of the general public. Transsexuality just blows some people's minds.
I think I'm going to be meeting with the human resource director for my company tomorrow. I hadn't been thinking about it, and continue to try to avoid stressing out... but sometimes it's unavoidable.
It's 11:30... I oughta go to sleep. I'm in a pretty regular schedule of coming home, napping till 7, then staying up till 11-Midnight. Oooh. M&M's.... One moment...
Mmm. Chocolate... better. Well, I'm gonna wrap my chatting with Aoi up, and go to sleep.
28-Mar-00
My supervisor just got paged over the
intercom. My heart skipped a beat. I'm waiting for the day to play out,
with my heart in my throat.
Did I mention that the therapist I found isn't covered by my insurance? So, now, I'm back on the hunt for a shrink. I know I've said it before, but I'm tired. Tired of all this crap. Why won't the dreams just stop? Why did I have to be cursed with the split anatomy.
Damn... the waiting ... It's driving me crazy! Maybe nothing will come of it. Who knows?
Just thought of an incident from the day when I entered the military, going through the physical at the MEPS station in Columbus, Ohio. I had such horrible wax buildup that they had to send me to have them cleaned before I could get an ear exam. Embarrassing. I was such a total slob. I so totally hated my body. Well, that and I was chronically lazy. Being raised taught only apathy, I felt like something almost sub-human. And at the same time, I knew mentally I was sharper than all but a very few. Egotistical and self-loathing. Hah!
I spent about an hour and a half last night playing with Legos, digging out all the little people and setting them up. My population of legolians is 22. 7 'B' spacepeople, 7 Iceworlders, 7 miscilanious, 1 'Giant'. And one head with no body to match to it. I think the others ought to build it a robot body. Okay, I must admit, since I've been about 6, I've had an incredibly strong fascination with Legos. I could build whatever I could imagine. I once built a hand, and forearm with articulated fingers. Another time I built a leg, like a horses, that moved the same way a horses does when it's running.
Later... I just got out of a meeting with the Vice President of our company, and the head of human resources. Apparently they've dealt with this before. I think the company is fine, as long as my work performance stays good. I feel somewhat like the axe over my head is moving away. Perhaps I can relax a little... (laugh). Sure, it could happen.
We spoke about the restrooms. I'll have to continue using the men's room until I'm legally female. That sucks. A possible solution would be a sign stating that the restroom was occupied, and any male offended by my presence could choose not to use it while I was within. What could they find so offensive?
29-Mar-00
Good morning. I went to sleep at 7
last night and slept through till the morning. Strangely, I had forgotten
to set my alarm, but still woke up on time, partly due to sunrise being
about that time.
Last night I dreamed I was lactating. (giggle)... then later I dreamed I was a roady for Metallica. Hey, I really have very little control over what my mind generates when I'm asleep. I just report what I remember.
I've tried on several occasions recently to stash this dysphoria stuff back in the mental box, and it won't return. I let it out, and it appears to have a life of it's own.
I'm just sitting here thinking. If reincarnation happens, and people have past life memories, what is the mechanism for transmission of that memory? The human brain contains chemicals to save information, how could that be passed beyond the grave? I tend to doubt the existence of reincarnation because of this. But, I feel like what's been described as an 'old soul'. This could be due to having to grow up in some ways too fast. Maybe that's why I feel this way. Who knows?
I know I've mentioned it before, but I'm afraid to let go of my anger/aggression. It works really well when I need to protect myself. Without it, I just feel very vulnerable.
... Just got back from lunch, where I found the rumors about me here at work have spread. I am the hot topic of the rumor-mill. It sucks to think I am being talked about. I wish if people had questions or wanted to discuss, they'd just come talk to me, but no, they're all curious as hell over the freak of nature, but all so spineless that they won't go get valid data straight from the source. I'm grinding my teeth over the matter right now...
I told my boss. He said people will talk. Great. Thanks for the support. I think I'll start wearing makeup, earrings, etc to work. People know, so let them deal with it. I just read the dress code for the company, and can't see anything against it.
30-Mar-00
I was talking to SLA last night (Thanks
for calling, hon) and told her something I'd just realized. My self worth
is to some degree based on my usefulness to others. I'm so down right now,
because the world doesn't need me. No one's life will be that heavily affected
if I cease to be. I find that depressing.
I was told by my boss yesterday that it had been my choice to bring this upon myself. I understand his perspective, but the only choice I made was to face this problem, to hope that after dealing with it, I would then be happy. I did not choose to be transsexual. No one can. You either are, or you're NOT. Homosexuals don't chose to be homosexual, but they do make a conscious decision to explore their true feelings, or suppress them. That's all there is to this. Either play the game society tries to force you into, or be who you are, and take the hammering from people who have not been forced into the position you're in. I would dearly love to be 'normal'. I would, but after 16 years of fighting, trying to repress, and hoping to find the 'cure' to this, the truth finally sinks in. This is who I am. This is who I'll always be. This isn't the Devil having his way with me. This is a mean twist of biological fate, two anatomical pieces out of sync with each other.
31-Mar-00
Last day of March... I picked a small
piece of a branch from a tree today coming into work. It's lovely, cute
little white blooms, and pink buds. Spring has sprung!
I went out to dinner last night with a nice couple I've met (Hi L and T!) and NB. NB stayed a while after L and T left. We cuddled. God, it feels really good, being ... wanted, I guess. NB's F-t-M , so we're safely stuck at the heavy petting level of physical contact. That strange frustration somehow adds to the excitement for me. (giggle)
NB says he sees me only as 'Lynn', a female. Funny, because I don't see myself as Lynn most of the time. Sometimes I guess I'm granted that benefit, but not normally. I have noticed an increasing discomfort with being male. It's gone from occasionally annoying, to almost constantly annoying, with moments of severe frustration.
I found out the new therapist I just found isn't covered by my insurance plan, so I'm back to square one. Crud! HRT just feels like a cruel joke. I know now I need it. Not want, not just being curious. I've had my T levels down for quite some time, and I only wish it was completely gone. Now, if I could start the estrogen and progesterone, I probably wouldn't be so tired constantly. That, and I want the changes it will bring. I know it's right for me. I had an epiphany on the way to work this morning. I understood that at the beginning of the year, I knew beyond reasonable doubt that I indeed needed to transition, but kept examining over and over. Why? It wasn't doubt. It was fear. I'm just afraid of the future... and sometimes excited by the prospects. This fear though has been why I keep reexamining what I'm doing. Even though I keep coming up with the same answer, I want to find a reason not to proceed, because it's hard, painful, sometimes humiliating, and a lonely road to walk. I doubt my own strength and conviction. I don't doubt that I need to change though.
My concentration is a little off today, but light years better than what it was on the Paxil. I think it's due to poor quality sleep, from sinus problems (as I said, spring has sprung).
I just figured I will have 8 years and three months before I'll have to change the naming scheme on my diary files... I'd like to think that'll give me enough time to go to where I need to be (laugh). I guess I was thinking about it because I'm about to break the double digit mark, my tenth month of this internal monologue that I share with you all. Tonight I'm going to post this updated file to the net. Another half month of my life. Does anyone care? (laugh)
Familiar paths... You know, as several therapists I've spoken to have put it, there is a chronic low-level depression I've put up with for most of my life. This has colored my perceptions, set my paths of thought. Even when it's relieved, I still have a bitter tint to my humor and personality that may take years, or even a lifetime to unlearn.
Wow, NB said something last night, about having not even known he was lonely, and it just cut me right through. I almost started crying. That's how close my feelings are to the surface right now. NB, I know you don't have a good grasp on your feelings, and they frequently defy language, but please don't write them off as trivial. I tried for 16 years to make logic my guide for life-decisions. That left my emotions neglected and feeling very much off my destined path. Like I said the other day, where is the benefit in attaining a goal you eventually realize doesn't please you? I had everything anyone could have expected of me, considering my origin, but the things I strove to accomplish were for the most part, not my desires, but simply what was expected by others. Sad. But, I'm not dead, and time remains to try to remedy these mistakes.
I'm sitting here listening to Indigo Girls' 'Nomads, Indians, Saints'. I feel all churned up emotionally. 'Watershed' and 'Hand-me-downs', the latter playing as I type, speak to me... I feel another of my emotional 'bubbles' rising. I'm reaching deeper lately, digging out that lifelong mental splinter.
I know I keep saying that I feel like I'm approaching a breakdown. I don't think that's true. Some times it's really tough, thinking of being shunned for being what I am. It seems cruel that I didn't ask for this quirk, and having it, ignoring it, was killing me. So now facing it gets me treated like a fruitcake, or sexual deviant. I guess I can understand, not having gender dysphoria, how it would be very difficult to understand what I feel. Some people just write me off though, instead of taking the tough path of trying to understand. I don't want to stir up crap, I don't want to shake people from their neatly ordered existence, to raise questions most folks aren't prepared to answer. I myself couldn't face those questions till this past year. And looking at them has been costly, but I've survived so far. I keep feeling that I'm almost at the summit, that I've almost reached to part where it gets easier. (laugh) Maybe I'm overly optimistic.
So... anyway...breakdown. No breakdown happening. It appears that my years of frustration and anger are leeching off now, to larger and smaller extents. I don't know how great the extent is, because I don't know how deep the anger goes, how much stuff is pent up in here. Looking back though. Ten months ago, it was pretty much at critical mass. Constant anger, total inability to cope. I was a basket case... And today, I'm just SO much better! (laugh).