03-Apr-00
Rust...
Another dream. I was brought to a town I didn't know for the funeral of one of my brothers. This in itself created a very unhappy occasion. I decided after watching a short home movie of my siblings and I that I needed to take a walk. I noted in the home movie that I saw myself as a past image, but that the version of me is how I look now, as a male. So, on to the walk... The path I took for the walk led me to an old worn down train tressel. The tracks had been removed where I decided to walk across. The tressel was brick from the ground up to the level surface for the train tracks, which had been removed. There were support pillars and a structure like a suspension bridge above the brick work made of heavy iron, but the iron was severely rusted. The brickwork, while worn, looked intact. There were huge gaping hopes in the center of the structure, but the sides appeared fairly safe. I decided to cross on the right side and found it an easy trip. On the way across, I found a fish flopping in a puddle of water, near the edge of the brickwork. I used a stick to pick it up behind it's gill and toss it over the edge into the water far below. The path on the other side eventually looped back around to the tressel, and having seen the structure from one side, decided to try it from the other side. This side was in much worse condition, requiring something of a laborious climb. I could see from this side that there was a set of rails far above me on the opposite side that looked functional. As I climbed, I hung onto the iron latticework of the bridge which at one point bent under my weight, crumbling to rust under my hand. I thought it seemed very unsafe, and at that moment, I felt the tremors of a train approaching. I thought it would be ironic if the tressel collapsed at the very moment I was on it trying to cross, and pressed myself against a worn brick pillar. Sure enough, the train came into view riding the tracks on the far side high above me, and this horrible screech of metal sounded. Then, all the ironwork on the bridge collapsed, including the tracks the train rode on. The train's first several cars fell off the track, plunging down toward the water, another one dangled precariously, and several passengers fell from it due to the odd angle. I was sort of trapped there for a while, trying to figure how to get across. Then decided I needed to go back to the side I had just come from. There were by this time journalists here to cover the rescue operations. One lady with a camera was saying such and such was a great story. I told her she should take pictures of the horribly rusted iron, which she did. The dream then went into the future, where I was on a big boat riding under the still-standing remnants of this tressel. The boat was like the airboats used in the swamp, flat metal bottom and driven by a big fan, but was HUGE, like a passenger craft. And this tour guide or someone was going on about the history of this structure, and mentioned me for some reason. Then, I was taken back up to the tressel and was with this old man, a local historian perhaps, who wanted me to show him the path I navigated across the tressel. I told him it couldn't be done, but he wanted to see anyway. So we began, and he was talking constantly about obscure facts of the old tressel. At one point, without knowing why, I put my arm out in front of him to stop him. When I looked at his feet, the one forward was over a gaping hole leading down maybe a hundred feet. He commented lightly how fortunate that had been. I didn't see any humor in all this. He wanted to climb around the hole on some crumbling brickwork. After getting around the hole, He went to stand up and one of his feet slid in some dust. He instinctive hopped backward, so as not to fall down, but forgot there was a hole right behind him. I watched the several second decent he made as he drifted toward one side, bounced off, pinwheeling gracelessly. Where he bounced off, he hit another person on an outcropping that appeared to have also fallen, and dislodged that person too. The other person was a friend of mine, ES. I was thinking 'hit water, hit water'. And there was a cracking squish, as he hit big gagged chunks of crumbled masonry, with the motionless body of my friend landing on top of him a split second later. At the moment of his impact, I woke up.

I thought about this dream on the way to work, but couldn't decipher it. After typing it out, it's a little more clear... I think. If the tressel is my life as a male, which I've felt is falling apart, and I transition (cross the tressel) safely, then I shouldn't try to cling onto any remnants of my past life. I should tear down the old collapsing structure, which instead of being something grand and beautiful, will only hurt others. That sounds like I've got some of it, but not all of it for sure... I'll think on it through the day.

Later... I just got back from seeing my MD, went over the hormone level stuff... (dramatic pause) and he changed my Celexa dosage, in two weeks I double the spironolactone, and on the first of next month... (drumroll please) I start Estrogen!! Eheheheheeee!!!

AND... (smile)... and I got a parking space at my apartment building today. No more walking a block and a half to my car!

AND... I'm on schedule with my document I'm editing at work. Boring as hell, but a necessary part of the process. Maintenance Manual...(yawn). Someone's gotta do it!

04-Apr-00
Today! I made it! I'm HERE! Another day alive, another chance to beat the things which have dragged me down. Yesterday was a total coup! Parking spot AND date for HRT. Ya know... I guess spiro kinda counts as HRT, but it just doesn't seem like it to me.

Upped the dosage of Celexa this morning, let's see how that goes, shall we? Focus seems good. Still REALLY tired. I don't think daylight savings time could have happened at a worse time for me. Hey, it was nice this morning driving to work, perfect blue sky, and the sun shining brightly. Maybe now the seeds in the flower pots on my living room window sill will decide to do something, like maybe even, oh, I don't know... sprout! (giggle) I've also got pots waiting to accept the clippings from my spider plant at work. I'm just waiting for them to sprout roots. One has one little root tendril so far.

I understand something now about loneliness. I need to be able to live alone. I'm starting to adjust to being alone. Got some stuff done last night on my website. I ought to coordinate with the StLGF Gazzette editor on the web site update.

I sit here sort of stewing about one of my brothers, who I thought would support me, and didn't. The memory resurfaced because another girl on a mailing list I'm on just had the same thing happen with her father. I know what my anger is from now, to some degree. Much of it is 16 years of life simply not making sense. It's a tough thing to accept, changing your life like this, knowing the ridicule and social embarrassment it'll bring. The isolation... the loneliness, the physical pain, the monetary expense... I
hope I'm not bitter about the change once it's over. I really wish to lay down all my frustration, anger, and hatred.

It's hard, taking the pain from someone else, and instead of returning it in kind, to simply stop it, set it aside, and return only kindness. I'm not THAT spiritually advanced... yet. I can stop hatred sometimes. The worst for me is when I'm slapped with the hypocrisy of 'Christians' telling me what's wrong in my life. Get your crap together. It's not your job to judge me. You should be spreading the good news of Jesus, and loving your neighbor as yourself, remember? Don't tell me I'm sinning in the eyes of God. You don't know God's plan for me. Okay, enough downing 'Christians'... for now (smile) Well, you know, believe as you like. I don't know God's plan for you (or ME for that matter). I can't even prove OR disprove the existence of God to begin with. It's just a notion that makes the randomness of our existence a little more easy to tolerate. It's 'the will of God', not just some infinitely long chain of random events. (sigh)

Damn... you ever have a talk about money with a hard nose Republican conservative? They do NOT understand the lower class... at all. It's like they don't recognize the existence of the poor. They assume all poor people are poor because they're lazy. And someone at work was saying, if they put into Social Security, they expect their fair share out of it. Isn't it SOCIAL security? Securing for the survival needs of the older population when they are no longer ABLE to work, not some magic retirement fund for everyone? I don't pretend to be an economist, but when you've never been poor, you have no RIGHT to tell me why the poor are the way they are, no RIGHT to expect a fair return from taxes against you when your education, earning potential, wage, personal security, every opportunity in life has been better than the poor of your country. Damn money hungry bastards!

Again with the concept of the discarded masses. The slogan on Elis Island is a JOKE by today's standards. It's the noble dream crushed by visions of easy money.

Yeah, I think it can be safely said I'm a bleeding heart liberal. (smile)

07-Apr-00
Another week, and I double the Spiro. Then what? Fifteen days later I start Estro. (smile) I occasionally get butterflies thinking of it. The feeling of entering the unknown. Shivers. (laugh) That cold tingling thrill of stepping off the 10 meter platform for the first time.

‘Above the planet, on a wing and a prayer,
My grubby halo a vapor trail in the empty air.’ – Pink Floyd Learning to Fly

That feeling of boundless freedom, and the uncertainty of the earth no longer touching your feet. Fear, and the wide-eyed stare into the future, hoping for something better. Praying with all your heart your not making a monumental mistake, bringing you crashing down like Icarus. Hope drives me on. A quiet but growing voice that’s always been there, growing louder, more self-assured, … Lynn… every day a little more real, almost tangible, more frequently glimpsed in the mirror. Come out, come out, wherever you are… to see the young lady who fell from a star. (smile)

Heaven, Hell, and the angelic hosts. I don’t think my mind is large enough to grasp that, really. We can only try, and hope. Back on the subject of God now… imagine that. So, what is the face of my God? I try not to assign it. No human attributes. What do ants consider God? Us? The loving provider, the merciless destroyer? We assign ‘Will of God’ to events that otherwise make us want to hate our existence. We call adversity ‘gifts’. Maybe we are alone, and that prospect is just too frightening to face when we lie in the darkness at night. Maybe God did set the universe into motion in just such a way as to bring me to where I am at this very moment. But that would mean that I’m only here, because it affects someone somewhere else… right? Who knows?

Dang it, I went and started thinking again… (sigh)

… Sitting here, getting waves of emotion wash over me for no particularly good reason. Interesting. Fighting urges for MJ, bad… very bad.

08-Apr-00
I spent the night at my old house, with my wife. The divorce notification came in the mail yesterday. Court date for review is coming up soon. Soon I will be legally divorced. Funny, yesterday, I just thought, you know, getting divorced is a legal term. It doesn't change my caring for my wife, my friend. I still really love her, and want to be part of her life.

I went over to her house after work yesterday. We drove together to a friend's house, to drop something off, and I then reinstalled Windows 95 (the wretched 13 floppy-disk distro!) onto her PC. It's my 'old' box, a pentium 90, 24 meg of ram, and about 1 gig of hard drive partitioned into 4 logical drives. The monitor to it was the second monitor I ever bought. Still in good working order too. And my wife also bought another of the little Cannon bubblejets for home use. We had gotten one jointly, and I had ended up with it when we separated.  Her PC is actually fine, but needs a faster modem. It's only got a... (shiver) 13.3K modem. YUCK! Mind-bogglingly slow by today's standards (Cable modems are getting pretty readily available).

Sorry... went tekky there for a minute... back now... better (laugh)

Told my friend SS about myself. He'll be over here in StL area for something today, and we're gonna do something this evening together. Funny, he's in a hotel only about 400 feet from here. He's supposed to check in about noon.

Added note: Went to see 'Cider House Rules' with SS and D? Sorry, didn't catch your last name... Movie and rest of the evening was very good. (smile)

10-Apr-00
Well... I'm kinda trapped between two friends. Both are vying for my attention, and I wish I had time (honestly, energy) for them both. Still feeling very lethargic. Six more days and I double my spiro dosage. I hope that kills my T completely. Hope I can stay awake for the changes that will occur. (smile)

'Well we all have a face that we hide away forever,
and we take them out and show ourselves when everyone has gone.
Some are satin, some are steel, some are silk, and some are leather.
They're the faces of a stranger but we love to try them on.' -Billy Joel the Stranger

That's a snippet of lyric that frequently gets in loop in my brain.

What now...? So sleepy...

3 weeks and counting till HRT. (smile) More excited than anything. (BIG SMILE)

I keep dreaming about being female, almost every night. I think somewhere deep in my brain, I've accepted this as true. Weird. The dreams I have, most of them seem a bit like acting through mundane scenes of life as a female. What a total re-write! We take so much of our actions for granted, we don't think of them, they're so innate.

I feel along with the loss of energy, that my muscle strength is melting away. It's like I just don't have enough energy to power them any more. Atrophy to nothing! I don't NEED you any more! Go away! I wanna be smaller now. Jeez, never thought I'd admit to THAT. I spent YEARS hating being small, getting picked on for it. Now, it's a benefit. Five and a half feet. Good non-threatening female height. I feel for you transitioning ladies at six plus feet, having the additional barrier to passing of height. Not to mention the shoe problem, etc.

I swear I'm developing gynocomastia. The mass on my chest is increasing, not just at the nipple, but a mostly even layer of fatty material, and I occasionally get twinges through my nipples. Can't wait for the estro to actually start developing them. Tough being in the middle though. Not male, not female. 'Other' doesn't show up on many applications or restroom doors. (smile)

Things are okay right now... Hope they stay that way.

11-Apr-00
Hi again. Every now and then, something slaps me back into reality. I had been slowly creeping into apathy, and lethargy. Last night, the message was sent to me, loud and clear. I need to pull my shit together. Life and industry will only cut me so much slack, then I'll be discarded as no longer a viable producer. Cold place to live, but that's reality.

I think I finally beat MJ. Or, more accurately, beat it THIS time. I expect it'll be a lifelong bout. I understand perseverance will be the key to winning against this. Ugg, it sucks knowing logically that something isn't good for you, and still wanting it very badly.

NB is asking for some time over a weekend with me. That's sweet.

I had this odd realization that having a little daughter some day might be nice, but I don't want to be the father, I want to be the mother. That's a bit of a tough mental shock. I was thinking, wondering if through the coarse of that child's life, if I could continue providing unconditional love. I don't know. I'd like to think I could.

I was thinking a few minutes ago about wearing things to work. Like, when do I start wearing a bra? And it was kinda funny. I realize this is called 'transition' for a reason. It's not a metamorphasis. It's a gradual change. I don't know if I'll ever just 'poof' come in as 'Lynn' one day, or if I'll just kind of slide more and more into female persona. We'll see.

Most of this is battling fear of being harassed or physically assaulted. I had a day dream yesterday, of being sexually assaulted while in the men's restroom. How utterly degrading it would be. I would fall apart if it happened. I wonder if I could survive it? I guess there isn't much choice.

Life doesn't make much sense right now, but I think it's beginning to. After living years with SOMETHING wrong, always looking, trying to find what that something was, it's hard to imagine life EVER making sense. Maybe I'll get through with transition just to find myself still just as mired in a reality that feels like it was created for someone else. Who knows?

I think my sense of smell is improving. My nose has been fairly dead all my life. I can smell very strong things, but the nuance always seemed to be lacking. Now, I'm picking up all sorts of smells, many of the human body odors. Funny the different scents humans give off. I was exposed to the scent of a deer once. It's a weird permanent memory, kinda burned into my brain. I've heard that smell has the strongest mnemonic connection of any sense. I guess that's not surprising.

Oh, just thought I'd mention this. For you, the reader, be aware that the things in this diary are sometimes strongly based on fact, sometimes pure speculation. Examples may be given using scarce sources. So, basically CL... Give it a rest! (laugh) (Lynn sticks her tongue out at CL) (smile)

Later...
I find myself in the restroom, pondering 'parts', why I have to use the men's restroom when I don't want to be male. How many androgen insensitive 'males' are there out there living as female and never knowing they are anything else? It sucks having my gender judged by what's between my legs when no one SEES what's between my legs. So, the external genitalia shouldn't be the sexual determiner. On the other hand, I DO understand why they separate male and female body parts. Sex. Wanted, unwanted, or otherwise. MOSTLY I think due to women not wanting to be forced to perform bodily functions within earshot of men. Not wanting to be exposed and vulnerable around men. Who knows? I'm still thinking on it.

The place on my chin which RK cleared is now starting to sprout new hairs through the bare skin. Some day, I'll be done with this crap. No more zotting. My face itches about an eighth of an inch below the surface. I'm already sick of it, and I have months to go... maybe more... before I'm cleared.

I was talking to TR last night, we were discussing killing. He said he has no qualms with the men he killed in the army. God and country. All that. I killed a frog when I was about 10 to 12. I STILL feel bad about it. I have no ability to kill without thinking about WHAT I'm killing, and why. I tried to explain to TR why I carried such a small knife, when I carry one at all. I don't want to kill, or even be reasonably ABLE to kill. I just want to be able to defend myself.

12-Apr-00
I usually spend a few minutes over my lunch hour writing stuff that's going through my head. That way, I lose less of it. If I waited to get home, I think sometimes my mind gets blanked out during the commute. (smile) I woke up in a great mood this morning. Wow, it feels so nice, for no particular reason to wake up feeling good. I was pretty much okay last night alone all evening. It was a little sad, at one point I heard a bump in the building, and for a moment, I thought it was my wife, coming to bed. Then, to realize, I wasn't in my house, waiting for her to come to bed with me. I still love her, and miss her like crazy. Our divorce hearing is next week. I don't need to go, since I'm not the petitioner. I wish I could, just to be there with my wife. I know it'll be tough on her.

I was thinking about putting an ad in the Riverfront Times (local free alternative paper) for a female interested in teaching me female stuff. Makeup, hair, etc. I also am thinking about stride length, and hand positioning. Thanks Val! More rewrite of mannerisms.

... Here comes another emotional up-welling. No reason. Some times I just feel really teary. Over stupid things, like puppies... (sigh) like I said, silly stuff. It's kinda nice. (smile) I think I'd burst into full-fledged sobbing if I watched the evening news today.

And now I'm worrying about my weight. What next? Will I start worrying if my socks aren't coordinated with my outfit? (laugh) One could hope! (Ahahahahahaaaaaaaaaa!)

A friend of mine left the company a couple days ago. Sad that I was just really getting to know him. I've had that happen many times, it seems. So, I understand people come and go in our lives. I'm getting used to the notion that no one in our life is guaranteed to be there from day to day. I need to be happy with me, regardless of those around me. They all may come and go. I will always be here with me.

I think the transition is starting already to make me like myself more. And there's still a long way to go. (smile) It mostly seems that everything in life is an act. We act certain ways with certain people. We play roles in the lives of others. We accept that we are certain things. It was really hard to accept that I am, regardless of anatomical evidence, a girl. Don't assume it's a downgrade from male, please. It finally feels like finding a pair of shoes that fits correctly. Does that make sense? I am allowing myself to be who I am, when I'm not being something for someone else. I am starting to like myself. It's a good feeling. Hope it continues.

Still tired. I feel sorta like I'm sleepwalking through life. So... on I press.

CL sent me both Freudian and Jungian translations for my tressel dream. Both meaning about the same thing. Interesting. Ooop, err.... Hey, I just looked up trestle... not tressel. Major (SP)!! Deal with it. Someone just told me, you don't lose any points, or have a birthday revoked for spelling errors. I guess that's true, but I still like to have my stuff clear and legible.

I'm running a script I wrote to convert the contents of an Oracle table into a SQL insert statement, so a table can be truncated and repopulated. It bogs down HORRIBLY if the table has more than like 20 records. I need to get into it and rewrite it some day. More tech-speak. Yay!

You know, sometimes I feel I'm headed somewhere for some purpose I can't yet see, but that I am destined to be somewhere in the future, and this path I follow is taking me there.

13-Apr-00
17 days and counting… (smile) I guess you can’t tell what’s on MY mind, huh?

I’ve been listening to my body. Hearing what it wants is a new skill I’m working on. I guess it’s  something that can only be learned over time. I’ve been in severe want of carbohydrates for a few weeks, now my body seems to only want protein, fruit, veggies, salad stuff… and of coarse M&M’s! (laugh) Ah, the cornerstone of any nutritious meal!

Tam, I understand your NEED for M&Ms now. By the way, congrats (HUG), on your new lil guy. It’s SO exciting. I know you and BS will make GREAT parents.

Names for me…Felicia Lynn? Rosa Lynn?

I guess I’m not so dead set on keeping my initials the same any more. AND, I still don’t know what to do about a last name, whether or not to keep mine. It’s okay, but I’m not terribly attached to it.

Jeez, two cups of coffee, and I’m STILL not awake… Urrrrgggg!

I just realized something, why I fear addiction. I have seen lives laid to waste over addictions, both physical and mental. I just don’t want to slide into such deep apathy that I don’t care what happens to my life. I want to succeed at this game of life. I was sliding far into the apathy area a year ago. I’m improving now. I just need energy. (sigh) LOTS of it… oh, and money! (laugh)

I kinda thought that the spiro would kill any thoughts of sex I’d have, but it doesn’t. It just kills the physical drive. I feel almost more interested in sexual activity now. I guess that makes sense, considering I was beginning to feel sort of unhappy with and detached from my body. Now, clearly headed toward where I’ve felt my body should be, I begin to find myself interested in sex again. All very confusing. (smile)

14-Apr-00
Tomorrow, I start doubling the spiro, in ramping up for the estro starting the first. I had a very pleasant dream last night about sitting, chatting with other ladies, drinking coffee and discussing my outfit, which seemed to meet with everyone’s favor. (smile)

Is this the right path for me? I can only say that I have not been filled with a psychotic anger or horrible depression since January. I must be making progress.

My work productivity is up, but I’m beating my head against a data problem that just doesn’t want to reveal itself to me. So… (sigh)

Aoi came over last night, and we just talked and went out for burgers. She seems to be developing the knack of being there when I need someone to talk to.

I told Aoi last night that I feel like I’m in about the best frame of mind I think I’ve ever been. I hope the estro brings my energy levels back up. Otherwise, I’ll just be a lil slug-girl. No… energy… Must… stay… awake… (said in best William Shatner mannerisms) (Laugh)

Still working this problem here at work… no solution comes forth. Time ticks by… no answer. Frustrating. It’s hard to fix a problem when you can’t replicate it. (frown)

Every now and then I feel like I’m about to panic and bolt, from the stress of the change. It’s almost like if I don’t think about it, just let it happen, everything is fine. It’s when I start overanalyzing things that it gets ugly.

‘The answers are getting harder and harder,
And there ain’t no way to bargain or to barter.
But if you’ve got the angst or the ardor,
You might faint from the fight but your gonna find it.
For every challenge could have paradise behind it,
And if you accept what you have lost and you stand tall,
You might just get it back and you can get it all.’ - Blues Traveler ‘Stand’

I’m doing it, you know? I’m changing. I’m the world’s slowest shape-shifter! (laugh) I think the worst of the loss and loneliness has passed. I hope. It sucked, and I don’t want to deal with anything this major again. By the same token, I have learned how strong I am. I can take a lot.

15-Apr-00
Working on a Saturday. Whee! (frown) My own damn fault. Had a sinus infection keep me down for two days last week, and I pretty much use my vacation time as I earn it. I'm NEVER going to actually have a vacation. Well, at least not for … mmmm… 7 years? (laugh)

You know. I love my wife. I do. And I've missed her dearly, but sometimes, she gets bent out of shape about stupid crap. Her mother wants to give me a couch. I guess that's okay. I can use one. But I called my (soon-to-be ex) wife to say that I'd be over at such and such time, yesterday. I had to call her back just now to adjust the time. Now she seems pissed that I didn't arrange for someone to help move it. I guess I thought a couch was a two person carry, her and me. I guess she doesn't want to move it, just transport it. Damn! So little seems to go smoothly between the two of us any more.

I've put no effort into finding a new therapist lately. I've honestly got better things to waste money on right now. Money, money, money… it must be funny in a rich man's world. … ahem… sorry to have to expose you to ABBA flashbacks there.

Last night I dreamed in snippets, scenes of me living as a female. I was so happy in the dream, reveling in all the little pleasures in life. I drove here this morning thinking how nice my life is… and in between these thoughts were the tiniest hints of panic. Stay calm girl… you're doing it… you're making the change, you're happier for it, just don't freak out over the changes, okay? (smile)

I woke up and felt one of my testicles seems to just keep shrinking, and I laughed out loud. Funny, huh? What would most genetic males do if their testes shriveled up and they never got erect? I'd think they'd go crazy. I don't want that though. I guess I had sort of assumed there was a component to all this that was strictly sexual, but it's almost asexual really. I'm not feeling more sexually aroused or stimulated. Quite the opposite. It's so funny, almost like being trapped by the sexual drive of testosterone. Now, at least in part, I'm being set free of that. Imagine, as a male, not constantly thinking about sex. If you're male and you're reading this, you're probably thinking something like, 'I really CAN'T imagine not being preoccupied with sex'. Women are probably thinking 'Jeez, men are thinking about sex CONSTANTLY'? Yes ladies, they are. At least I did. What are the accepted figures? Something like men think of sex 205 times a day. That's 12 times an hour while awake. Once every five minutes… on average.  Sad but true. (laugh)

My nipples keep having twinges run through them. Kind of like minor itching, and I am definitely gaining fatty tissue on my chest. I can't tell where else it may be gathering. I think I'm gaining weight overall, but don't have a scale to check.

Other changes? My sense of smell seems to be awakening. I had a dream the night before last that had olfactory components, I could SMELL things in the dream. I never recall EVER having smell in my dreams. (laugh) Super-weird!

My hips cramp a little, I think it's from changing my stride, with shorter steps, more arm swing. It seems all movements females make are to conserve energy, smooth flowing motions, fluid grace to minimize strain, muscle use, etc.

My hair continues to return along my receded hairline. My cheeks are clearing very well from electro.

I still feel this sharp loss of my brother. I think I need him in my life. I love him too much to just never see him again. It hurts thinking I don't meet with his approval. He is probably the person closest to being a parent to me. I miss him, and love him, and I just wish he'd call me to say he loves me no matter what. Somehow, as much as I want that, I don't think it'll ever happen. God, these wounds are still really fresh, huh?

I think every day I'll run out of things to say. NOT the case! (laugh) I think I average about a page a day. After a year, maybe I'll publish it as 'Lynn; Year One' (laugh) .... maybe it's funnier if you know the comic book croud.

I talked to someone the other day about addiction, and it's effect on the relationship she's in. The person she likes is sort of self destructive, showing no control in social drinking or consumption of other unmentionables. I hope she knows what she's getting into. Well, she's a big girl, I guess, and can make her own decisions. I just don't want to see her hurt.

Hah! I don't need a shrink. I have a DIARY! (Laugh) Pretty much all the stuff in my brain finds it's way in here. Sometimes I wonder if I seem sane to you, the reader. Sometimes I wonder if I AM sane. Well, in the sense that I understand the effects of my actions, and feel remorse, I MUST be sane. Well, it's really also a matter of perspective. One person may see actions as understandable while the next sees them as shear folly. Isn't being human FUN? (smile)

17-Apr-00
What I expect through transition… I expect most people will balk at the idea of my transition, until they start seeing the changes. I expect some people will steadfastly hold to what they see me as now (male) regardless of what I say, or how I appear on the outside. Ironic that, since they are only judging me male by how I appear on the outside.

Had a really nice day with NB yesterday. (smile) Kinda napped a lot, traded in some used CD’s for some new (used) CD’s. Here, by CD, I mean compact disc… (laugh) We later went for dinner (just sandwiches) and after he left, I fell dead asleep. I woke up at 1:30 AM this morning, and realized I still had my contacts in. Arg! Live and learn… I won’t do THAT again.

Still feeling like I’m right on target for change. I’ve felt occasionally very comfortable in my body, as I consider the changes coming. I also love touching people without there being this huge sexual desire. It’s so nice just hugging and cuddling. (smile)

I’m thinking about NB, … how do I say it? Trying not to get too close, but wanting to. Weird. I seem to fight everything in my mind. Everything has no reflexive value. I have to overanalyze everything. It’s annoying me…severely.

I am now letting more of my natural mannerisms show. I find I’m very comfortable walking ‘swishy’, like a girl. Also, I think there’s something about the drop in T that’s caused all my muscles to relax. It seems hard now to motivate my muscles to tense. So, everything I do is at minimal effort. This leaves my wrists rather limp most of the time. Funny, I didn’t understand why women moved their hands that way, and men didn’t. Now I do. I was always in control of every motion my body made. Rigid control with lots of muscle tension. Now… I just kind of flow. Getting cold more too. I seem to have no loss of circulation to my hands and feet… yet. Perhaps that won’t start until I am on estrogen for a while. It’s also hard to tell if my nails are softening, but I’m also using a nail thickener on them, so... like I said, I can’t tell.

All I know for certain is that it feels like I’m moving toward the right form. I just hope I can handle the entire transition. Monetarily… emotionally… you name it. It’s tough. I tell ya! Only REAL men can become women! (laugh)

It’s easy to hide the real you behind bravado and armor. It’s hard opening your heart to the world, knowing you’re going to be ridiculed, and that people will judge you without knowing you. It’s tough taking off the armor, knowing you’re vulnerable, but doing it anyway. You can’t feel anything through armor. Feeling nothing sucks. I speak from experience.

I’m having another of those weird emotional moments. Jeez, what will happen when I start Estro? I’ll be a sobbing, hugging, giggling, bouncy, girly. (giggle) Hopefully… (laugh) The emotion thing, it’s weird, floods of it with no trigger that I can find. I’ll be fine, then feel really sad for a moment. And, this morning I saw a picture on another lady’s computer of a little brown bunny in a basket of flowers, and I was thrilled with how CUTE it was. I’ve never been cutesy. I’m almost anti-cutesy. THIS is new territory for me. Deal, okay? (laugh) What next, a burning desire for Winnie the Pooh crap? (laugh)

18-Apr-00
I am 100% officially divorced. ... I feel REALLY weird. Maybe listening to Tangerine Dream isn't the best idea right now.

Seems to fit my life though. I want to start a letter to my mom, telling her what's going on. I feel funny about it. I feel all churned up.  I've got this divorce, my friends continuing to tell me I'm nutty. Looks from folks at work. Outings. Pain. That's all it seems, but I've had some times lately that have seemed a bit brighter.

ES, man... I don't know if I can take this much more. I know you mean well, but I am on the right path. I don't want to shut you out because you don't understand me. I'm on ICQ with him. It's always the same, he tells me I'm doing something stupid and dangerous and  I'm telling him to just accept me for who I am. Please...

20-Apr-00
Ten days left… (smile) I got a call from the pharmacy the other day, saying the prescription had not been completely filled, they only had 50 pills in stock. So, I know there’s estrogen sitting there waiting for me to pick it up. I’m tempted to go get it and start today, but I’m trying to be good and follow my doctor’s orders.

The multi-vitamin I started has done wonders for my energy level. I did laundry, straightened, cooked, folded, rearranged, etc. yesterday evening. It was great!

It’s funny that I can smell whether clothing is clean or dirty now. My sense of smell is very sharp (comparatively).

My energy seems to have changed from being short intense bursts, to a moderate level with a longer duration. Like switching from sprinting to marathon running. Is that why women use less energy, to conserve it for long-duration tasks?

The hair is returning on my cheeks. (frown) Time to go see RK again. I’ll have the money tomorrow for another session. It’s funny… and she told me it would happen, but I’m starting to feel like I NEED the electro. It’s one of the few fast tangible proofs of change. When I leave her place, I am aware that change is being made, and I feel happy, even though the electro itself is a bit uncomfortable (ha ha ha). Actually, the areas that have been cleared before are usually not that bad. It’s the previously untreated areas that suck. All the dead hairs hurt when they’re cleared. Sad thing is, clearing a dead hair doesn’t kill the follicle. Only the actively growing hairs that are treated ever stay gone. Well, at least the dead ones come back as live ones to get zotted later. And hey, there can’t be more than … mmmm…. 60,000 more hairs to go! (laugh)

Okay.  More gross anatomy stuff. Over the last several days, my testicles appear to continue to decrease in size, and occasionally feel very sore. I remember them seeming almost rock hard, painfully hard, since puberty, and the aching in them when I’d get really aroused with no release (I believe that’s lovingly referred to as blue-balls) The same cramping that occurred is how they feel now, although they are very soft and shrinking in size every day. I don’t get spontaneous erections any more (thank God), and when I DO become erect, it’s not very much. My ‘raging’ erections are still pretty flaccid. Not that I mind.

Soon, the thing between my legs will be only a memory, and I’ll have something of a chest. Soon, I won’t have to worry about shaving my face ever again. Soon, my plot for world conquest will be complete… no, wait… I wasn’t supposed to let THAT out yet! (laugh)

Seriously, an issue I’d like to bring up… I read that some group was grousing because Vermont passed a law recognizing same-sex unions, granting the partners to the same rights as married couples where state laws were concerned. Someone said passing a law like that would erode the moral fiber of the state, and degrade marriage, and worst of all, it would encourage youth to be homosexual. AS IF you can dictate someone’s sexuality to them. Be real! Homosexuals and transsexuals don’t just wake up one morning and think ‘Gee, I’m gonna be queer today!’ Either you are or you’re not. No amount of laws recognizing the rights of the gay/lesbian/trans community will make people INTO that. It MAY allow more people to explore their true feelings, and finally give an accurate idea of what percentage of the population is G/L/T.

Why are so many heteros so freaked out by the gay/lesbian/trans community? I mean, for the most part, we’re non-breeders, so it’s not like we’re ‘polluting’ the gene pool. But wait… hey, if gays, lesbians, and transsexuals for the most part don’t procreate, then why are there always G/L/T folks around? Hey, guess what? It’s just a natural variance in humanity. We, as a species, are in no way threatened by extinction… except maybe by our own ignorance. Perhaps more than being a tolerated abnormality, these variances serve as something of a population control. Yeah, I know it’s heavy speculation, but it’s by far not the most ludicrous thing I’ve heard concerning G/L/T. And it’s at least a speculation made to fit the available facts.

My siblings have produced 7 children. I don’t feel a need to add to that. There was plenty of the genetic line passed on for my needs, thank you very much.

Hi again sis! Thanks for the message, it brightened my day! (smile)

21-Apr-00
I am scheduled for 5 hours of electro with RK tomorrow morning at 8 am. Ack! Up before 10:30 on a Saturday! Arg! (smile)

Had dinner with NB last night. I SLAVED over popping some toasted ravioli in the oven (giggle) We planned the dinner originally so he could see me before heading out to his parents’ place for the weekend, but because of his cat’s illness, he decided not to go.

Okay… there’s GOT to be a level of mundane detail you don’t care about… and I’d think toasted ravioli is probably at that level. (laugh)

It’s kind of strange feeling my body change… and better, feeling like it’s becoming what it always should have been. Some times I look down at my chest while en femme, and think finally my breasts have developed. Guess I’m just a late bloomer. (smile)

I told a friend the other day that it feels kind of like I’ve molted, shed an old skin or shell, and now what’s on the surface is very soft and sensitive. All this, and I haven’t started estro yet. This should be interesting.

I think I’ll go pick up my estro tonight. See if I’m strong enough to wait 9 days. (smile) I’m probably not…

I was talking with another girl… (interesting phrase usage)… at work. I was telling her what I was going through. She seemed to want all the gory details… fascinated would be the word, I guess. (laugh) It was hard to talk to her with all my other co-workers about.

It’s just SO weird, feeling so comfortable with the changes, after worrying about them for so long. How much of it is how others see me, and therefore treat me… and how much is how I see myself? I spend more and more time fussing, primping, looking at myself from various angles and being very critical of what I see. I hope that eventually dies down. I hope I’m eventually happy with how I look, and won’t need to be so constantly critical.

I think I have a song… a ‘theme song’ if you will, one of great significance to this time in my life. It’s by No Doubt, called ‘Magic’s in the Makeup’. I’ll see if I can find a link to the lyrics on-line. If I can’t, I’ll just put them in my pages somewhere.

I used to listen to Metallica a lot. Now, although I understand the anger of the music… I guess I’m not there any more. Still, I listened to ‘ Anestisia ’ (sp?) the other day… great stuff. A moment of silence for Cliff Burton. … … … …

I just read about dino-hunters finding a fossilized dinosaur heart. Four chambers and an aorta like birds and mammals, not three chambers like reptiles. It’s still up to debate whether it’s really the heart. Everything is ALWAYS speculation, I guess. This, and findings in China of dinosaurs (not birds) with indications of feathers means the feather might have come before birds flew. The feather may have been for warmth.. This is something I have thought of before, and I’ve actually seen artist pics showing the velociraptor with plumage. Funny, ‘Jurasic Park’ showed ‘raptors as big, like 200+ lbs, I’d guess, but they only got to about 80 lbs, about the size of a German Shepherd.  It’s the whole pack hunting thing that made them frightening. I really doubt ‘raptors would want to attack humans. They probably wouldn’t want to mess with another carnavore, instead picking the herd animals in preference. Then again, they are probably about equivalent to an 80 lb feline, with all the nasty claws, so they may have just killed anything they found yummy looking. Just my point of view. Yeah, I still have a thing for dinosaurs. I have since I was little. Dinosaurs, sharks, airplanes, space craft… Okay, actually everything. (smile).

Energy level is okay, but not great. I am alive though, and apparently improving.

I’m still trying to find my place in the greater whole of society. I keep thinking I really like people, like being with them, empathizing, sharing. It’s hard thinking I’ll be rejected by lots of people for who I am. This is hard to deal with, being judged without being known.

It’s hard thinking of being alone. It’s tough watching friends and family, who I have tried hard to keep good relationships with, just kind of wander off. It makes me understand who I am when everything else is stripped away. Tough way to learn though. I want to make my friends and family happy… proud of me even, but I won’t sacrifice my happiness for them any more. I refuse to live in misery for the benefit of others. That won’t lead me to enlightenment and salvation, wherever that may be.

I have gone far enough that I feel confident that I’m making the right decision. Some day I’ll have gone far enough that I will no longer reevaluate whether I’m doing the right thing. (laugh)

Four months from now, I will probably have developed enough that people will notice. Then what? Will I start getting all the weird looks again? Will people start asking questions? If they do, I hope they ask ME, not each other.

In other whining news, my lower back is KILLING me from the laundry-fest the other day. Too much after such a long time totally motionless. Wow. That stretch of time with no energy after starting spiro… that was weird. I’d felt that lethargic before, but only during severe bouts of depression, and even then they didn’t last as long as this one did. I think the testosterone would push me out of it. This time, I wasn’t depressed, I just had NO energy.

Yack, yack, yack… This’ll probably be the longest month in terms of textual volume I’ve written.

My mom came up as a topic at lunch. I need to tell her about my transition. I hope she takes it well. I just started writing a letter, and realized that I need to just call her.

THE ROAD NOT TAKEN
'Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And look down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I --
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.'
-Robert Frost

Yeah. It’s an often-repeated poem, but I thought it was relevant.

24-Apr-00
Okay. I’m weak. What can I say? I picked up my estrogen prescription Saturday and waited all of ten minutes before I took it. So, 8 days ahead of schedule… I hope my doctor is okay with it. (smile)

Beep made me a little Easter basket. She’s so sweet. I feel really sad knowing she’s really busy and doesn’t have time to spend with me. In some ways, I‘ll never lose her, but in other ways, I already have lost her. I guess I shouldn’t sit and ponder on things in the past. The decision has been made. I have committed.

So… I’ve formally started HRT. No boobs yet. (smile) I have nothing but a shadow of a doubt that I’m doing the right thing. I think I’d wonder if I didn’t have any doubt at all. We must always leave open the possibility that anything we know may be wrong. Our lives are spent relearning fundamental truths it seems. Wow, that was fillo-so-fickle… (smile)

Well… I’m just in the GREATEST mood. Life seems to have mellowed some. It could also be the spironolactone. I’ve just felt much more at peace, at ease with myself since starting the spiro. So far I haven’t really noticed any change due to the estrogen. No big surprise, it’s only been a couple days. It may be 6 months before I start noticing any real change. I hope it’s not that long. I’d like to see something within a few months. I also hope the spiro may also speed up the effects of the estro since the estro won’t have to compete with testosterone.

I think maybe I’m getting a crush on NB. (smile) I would like to think myself above silly school-girl crushes, but NOOOOOOooooooo! (laugh) He reminded me that we have only known each other since January. Wow. It feels like much longer… in a GOOD way (smile)

I’ve lost a lot over the past year… but I’ve gained some things too. I understand myself better… not completely. Maybe enough, though. The depth of my need to transition is still not clear. It just seems more and more by the day. It takes some conscious setting aside of ego to allow this change. Intentionally emasculating myself makes others (especially males) uncomfortable. Virility seems to be a bragging right for males. There are certain aspects of both male and female thinking I just don’t get. For the most part I can hear both what males and females are saying. Sometimes I feel like I just can’t relate.

I told Aoi last night I was never going to really be a girl, and I’m not really a guy, but having only those two choices, I’d rather present as a female.

I’m afraid my relationship with so many of the people I care about will change, and with little or nothing in common, we’ll just drift apart. Most of this is not my desire. The vast majority of people I consider friends I would like to stay in touch with until the end of my days. This has been the real loss of my transition. Watching people I love turn their back, shun me, or simply stop speaking to me. I like to think I can get over such things, and I hope they eventually come around. It's hard for me to forgive someone turning away from me when I really need them. I like to think I can. I hope.

I still have a raging sinus infection. Funny though, every year I get these things, and they usually just totally drag me down. This year, I’ve got the same throbbing headache, but I feel pretty good.

I just feel SO mellow. It’s great. I find myself smiling while in traffic. How often did THAT happen before? (laugh)

I was over at Beep’s briefly on Saturday, and a guest approaching the house mistook me for a girl. (giggle) This guest has known me for years, so I thought it was kind of funny. I hope some day to not be mistaken for a male. It would be nice for everyone who saw me to judge me as a girl. I’d be happy with that.

Well, ya know, the odds of me ever getting prostate cancer are pretty damn low now! (laugh) Aside from why I’m taking them, the stuff I’m on is what doctors use to fight prostate cancer. Funny. Well, not that cancer of any kind is funny, but you know what I mean.

With the estrogen taxing my liver more, I will probably not be drinking any more. Alcohol that is. Or, just light social drinking, if anything. I’m TOTALLY okay with this, really. I’d give up beer forever to feel as good as I have felt recently.

My sense of touch seems to be changing. Maybe the skin on my fingertips is getting thinner. I don’t know. Some of the changes happening are so slow and subtle that I can’t tell if it’s real or imagined.

I keep getting shivers. I wonder if I’m getting more susceptible to cold. Brr.

It’s funny. I’ve developed this ability of seeing through the flesh and hearing who’s beneath. Listen to someone, you can hear it. This is most obvious in Trans people, who may look very masculine for instance, and still have a sweet young lady inside. The flesh for them, like it is for me, is a deception.  So, I go to the StLGF meetings, and instead of seeing ‘ugly old men in dresses’, I see what they WISH to be… or who they are beneath the skin. I try to understand how they feel. And I try to respect that. They’re not crazy. They’re governed by stupid societal notions saying they can’t show their feminine side, so that part of them is trapped, longing for release.

On a completely unrelated topic, I am losing grip strength. Weird. I guess I’ll lose strength all over, huh? Oh, well.  Along with loss of strength in my hands, I’ve noticed my lower back, legs… everything is getting weaker. (giggle) Now, if it could just become visually evident. I’m waiting for my limbs, and more important, my neck and shoulders, to get smaller. Do you hear me body? Shrink! (smile) I think my wrists are already getting smaller.

For those of you who care, I remain ‘tucked’ like ALL the time now. No unsightly bulges. (smile)

Okay. I thought it was me being crazy, but it’s not. I keep getting itching in my nipples. It’s annoying. I hope it’s a good sign. I hope they just erupt into lovely soft mounds of feminine flesh! (LAUGH)

I just wonder how annoyed I’ll get when I notice men staring at my chest. (smile) Jeez, ladies. It must suck having to deal with men that do that.

25-Apr-00
Had a run of mood swings last night that felt just short of insanity. Giggling, crying, lonely, frightened, and probably others. I think while the estro isn’t affecting my body, it’s already affecting my emotions.

I find it very funny, thinking about how people see our personalities as basically immutable. Hey, change that hormone mix and see what happens. (smile) I was very emotionally sensitive as a child. Then, in my teen years, I built up this wall, and felt nothing but a low boiling anger. Now, the vast majority of my wall is gone, leaving me again very sensitive. As I’ve said before, it’s like molting. Everything that is now exposed feels very overly-sensitive.

I had my first real bout of thinking about SRS last night. I think it will be in my future, but I was feeling really frightened about the whole surgery thing. Wow, this is a tough place in life. I’m trying to hold together a ‘normal’ life while modifying my body, relearning social skills (and keeping in mind which role I’m currently in).

You know, being brave isn’t being strong and able to conquer dragons. It’s shedding your armor, being weak, showing your emotions, and still having the will to go on every day. Conviction isn’t following what everyone tells you is right. Conviction is being stung thousands of times and each time rethinking whether you’re doing the right thing, and realizing you are. If I must endure the pain, I will, but I’m not doing it because I want to, I’m doing it because I HAVE to. This damned truth… once I saw it… I can’t unsee or unknow it now. This transition needs to continue. I am more happy with my body now, but I think I’ll be even happier after more changes. I will continue until the changes no longer make me more happy. Although, quite honestly, right now, I don’t know of much that would make me more happy.  (smile)

There’s a freedom to finally giving up caring what others think of me. I wish I could cease caring completely. There is obviously some kind of ‘get in line’ mechanism in the human brain that keeps us (frequently unhappily) all marching to the same beat. We check our actions against social norms to determine if it’s correct. The problem only occurs when the social norm doesn’t allow for our individual variance. The more rare the variance, the harder society tries to squelch it.

I was told that the practice of putting children in pink and blue to denote sex was a fairly recent practice. I know at the turn of the last century, they were still dressing children in dresses (‘dress’ might not be the exact right word) until they were several years old, regardless of gender. This seems to me to indicate that sexual/gender identity isn’t modified by early childhood experience. This makes me wonder if it’s ‘hardware’, the way the brain is structured, or if the brain structure just creates a predisposition. Who knows?

Do I think too much? (smile)

I woke up this morning in a mild sweat. This is the first time I’ve sweat since starting the spiro. The ‘musky’ smell is still there. This is the same scent I detect from RK sometimes.

I need to get back on the hunt for a therapist, or start a TS support group. I think the latter would be a good thing. I just don’t have the force of will to pull people together right now.

26-Apr-00
I’m feeling very mentally alert, regardless of being tired.

NB had to put his cat to sleep last night. (frown) Poor guy. I can only imagine what he’s going through. This is his first real loss of anyone close to him. Some of you might be thinking ‘It’s JUST a cat!’, but he’s had this cat since he was 12. He loved it dearly.

I was trying to comfort him last night, and ended up dredging up something in my own mind. I was right on the edge of crying, but couldn’t. I still don’t think I can show how I feel, in my deepest soul. It’s still being masked to some degree. Like a defense. This is how I protect myself, I guess. When I finally feel like I can show how I feel, the old reflexes hold me back, but I feel like another emotional bubble is rising, so I must be getting ready to ‘vent’.

It’s always back to me, isn’t it? (laugh)

This is the longest stretch of my life where I’ve felt calm in my remembered past. It’s SO weird. As I’ve said, I don’t know if it’s the medication, or just because I’m moving forward in transition. Wow… I AM moving forward… wow… (smile)

I feel all relaxed and like I wanna take a nap. THERE’s something new and different! (laugh) Yeah… a nap would be good… Maybe I’ll grab a sandwich and head over to the park for a walk. I could use the exercise, and I feel like I need to blow the cob-webs out of my head.

I find I’m feeling timid about allowing myself to get attached to NB. I don’t know why I hesitate. Things between us are going rather well. So, what am I afraid of? Being hurt? It seems in matters of love, that I can’t trust anyone to stay with me, so maybe I’m a little gun-shy about it right now.

It’s SO hard to just open up. There’s such a huge chance of having my heart (or what’s left of it) just totally shredded, not that I think NB would intentionally DO that. But, as I’ve said before, we’re all sort of staggering blindly through life, and sometimes we hurt people accidentally.

Several weeks ago, out of curiosity, I typed www.heaven.com into my browser. No page was returned. Then I tried www.hell.com, which DID return a page. I just read on www.FoxNews.com that the hell.com site is up for auction for $8 Million. Wow! It was receiving about a million hits a month, just from the name. What a GREAT advertising tool!

Well, anyway, there’s no heaven.com… does that mean that there’s no heaven, or that heaven is not a commercial site? (laugh) Hell, on the other hand, most definitely IS a commercial site! (LAUGH)

‘Hell opened up, and put on sale.
Gather ‘round and haggle.
For cold cash we will lie and deceive
Even our masters don’t know the webs we weave’ – Pink Floyd Dogs of War

You know, for not having listened to Pink Floyd’s Momentary Lapse of Reason album in a long time, I sure am quoting it a lot lately.

Here’s one for you… Do evolutionary designs happen over and over? For instance, can a herbivore eventually give rise to a carnivore that eventually gives rise to a herbivore? How do bodies adapt back and forth? How do some primates have vertical slit pupils? Cats also do. Did this vertical slit just happen in two different creatures because it’s the most efficient design? I’m a bit perplexed over this all. Like wings. Birds aren’t the only flying creatures. Mammals also have flyers. The fore-limb and muscle assembly are very similar in both. The design must be a mechanical requirement of flight. Speaking of bats… echolocation is present in both bats and dolphins. I’m pretty sure they evolved separately. Consider that sound travels 4 times faster under water, and therefore would take much faster processing in the brain. But then, I’ve heard bats emit their chirps faster than they can interpret them, perhaps just listening to the return sound and interpreting it afterward. Who knows? Weird stuff to ponder though.

Again… do I think too much? (laugh)

I’m not sure… but I think I just had a hot flash. I’ll keep an eye out. Keep in mind, a lot of my physical changes may just be my perception early on. If I mention something several times, it’s most likely NOT psychosomatic. This hot flash thing… I’ve been sort of expecting it to occur, so who knows? If it happens more clearly, or persistently, then I guess I’ll know. If it’s not that, then I’m just really hot.

Wow, I just had a sobering thought. I was clearing clutter off my desk (a constant battle for me) and realized how many empty medication bottles were there. I'm going to be shackled to the pharmaceutical industry. (frown)

Some one said that my notion of gender conflict was from seeing some bent psychiatrist. Ahahahaaaa! (wipes away tear from laugh so hard) Ummm... NO. (chuckle)

27-Apr-00
Legal issues of the future are worrying me. I REALLY don’t want to use the men’s room once I go full time. (sigh) What a hassle! I’m wondering if it’s worth looking into what the minimum is to get legally declared female. If it’s just an orchiectomy, maybe I’d pursue it.

I just read scientists have isolated the gene that naturally limits growth, allowing for super-sized versions of animals. So far they have used this technology on lobster, sheep, chickens, and cattle. The picture with the article showed this monstrously large lobster, maybe 40 lbs. And like 2-3 feet long. Freaky…frightening. Humanity is right on the edge of understanding the little blocks that make physiological development. It will be interesting to see where this all goes from here. Let’s just hope it’s not ‘Gattaca’ (sp?).

What will happen to naturally occurring species if they’re forced to contend against genetically altered super-creatures? Will this technology eventually be used on humans, creating people 50% larger than they were before? The world’s tallest man suffered from all sorts of ailments due to his condition. Will this happen to the altered humans too?

We live in a time when the lines between reality and fiction shift with incredible speed. Some times that’s frightening. Other times, it’s just fascinating beyond description.

I’m having occasional emotional bursts. Most notable are the feelings of loneliness and fear of the future. I’ve never been afraid like I’ve been recently. In a few months I probably won’t be able to hide what I am, and the thought of being regularly outed scares the hell out of me.

Well, coming as no surprise, I’m tired again today. I need to sleep 29 hours a day, I think. (chuckle) I think I slept well last night. I guess my body is just adjusting to the new hormone levels. Every time I get shivers, it runs straight through each nipple. So weird.

I went to lunch today with a male coworker. He was talking about a young lady at work, saying how he likes just staring at her. I see his point, I mean she’s cute and all, but I find it rude and dehumanizing in some ways. I used to HATE myself when I stared at women. I still look at them, but mostly watching for purposes of emulation, or critiquing their choice of clothing. I definitely was never meant to be a guy. They’re so often rude pigs. (laugh) That testosterone does a number on their social skills! (LAUGH)

I’m still having occasional flares of pain from my testes, but mostly there hasn’t been any noticeable change in a few days.

I’m beginning to show more fem attributes all the time. It’s nice, comfortable, natural. I still have some very masculine traits, which I may need to watch in the future… but really, I ought to just work on being who I AM, and not trying to exactly match the female stereotype. Doing that wouldn’t make me any happier than trying to match the male stereotype, really.

Here’s one of those weird ‘what if’ kind of scenarios. NB is legally female. I am legally male. We are legally allowed to get married. If one of us then has a legal change of sex, then does that void the union? And would it be reinstated if BOTH of us had legal change of sex? Whoa! Confusing!! (laugh)

NB’s therapist keeps talking to him about introducing me to his parents… (gulp, shudder). Ummm… Isn’t it a little EARLY for that?? (laugh) I mean, we’re basically friends.

I’m thinking about money, how much transition is going to cost, and how I’m going to get that much. Damn, wardrobe, cosmetic surgery, pharmaceuticals, electrolysis, SRS… It’s not a cheap proposition. At least not for the M-t-Fs. Assuming no genital reconstruction, F-t-Ms have it rather cheap. Wardrobe costs definitely go down. (smile)

28-Apr-00
I am sitting here, thinking of the time together with Beep, and thinking of our time apart. I miss her. I always will, I think. I still feel this great anger at having to do what I’m doing. The feeling of having a ‘perfect life’ and knowing it was never really mine, it eats at me. The irony isn’t funny to me. It hurts. And… like I said, I miss her.

I’ve begun HRT now, and I occasionally get these little emotional bursts. Mostly they’re good, but some times they’re sad, angry, or frightened.

I often wonder if I have the energy to complete this. OR the willpower. It still seems to be getting harder. I keep hoping folks will come back into my life, but they don’t. I usually feel very alone. That’s a horrible feeling.

I sleep a lot, mostly due to the HRT. At least when I’m asleep, I’m happy. My dreams are currently peaceful. No freakish nightmares for some time.

It’s really hard for me, wanting to be with Beep, but not wanting to intrude in her life. I know how busy she is. I don’t want to make her life more hectic. Every time I see her son, I think he’s wondering why I’m even around at all, and I don’t want to intrude in HIS life either.

She’s probably the best friend I’ve ever had. Giving that up is a horrible thing. Add to that the mass exodus of everyone else in my life, and I am left feeling hollow.

I’m tired, and I know I have a long road ahead of me. Some days I want to just stop, and rest. I want someone there to hug me, tell me I’m doing the right thing, that I AM right, and the world is just a mean narrow-sighted bully. I don’t get that. I’m alone. The only people that support me are other trans folks, and their support is suspect. They want to believe that changing is the best answer.

So, here I am, tired, frightened, and alone. My emotions are waking up, only that includes the good AND the bad. I feel like I shed my armor to reveal painfully sensitive flesh beneath. I hurt.

I would not wish this on anyone. It seems to be every kind of unpleasant thing a person can experience all rolled into one. I hate it. If I thought there was even a chance I could go back, I think at this point I would. But I can’t go back. I can’t unknow the truth. This sucks. Jane, get me off this crazy thing.

God, it really feels like my heart is breaking. This is it I think. Here comes the breakdown.

No. No such luck… just a few minutes of sobbing.

‘She wanted to tear the hair out of her head,
She wanted to wish that she was dead,
But a voice in her just wouldn’t let her drop,
And her heart began to break, but it wouldn’t stop’  Blues Traveler Price to Pay

Ha! Yeah… there’s a price to pay alright.

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