Damn. DAMN! GOD-DAMN, GOD-DAMN. I'm FUCKING SICK OF ALL THIS!!!

I don't want this. I want my best friend back. I want to be normal. I want this horrid pain in my heart to go away. I want to feel like I have a reason to live, a reason to wake up every morning and go to a job I hate. I can't stop crying...

I feel so very alone. Here my heart is opening only to be left empty. There's no-one to share joy with. I don't want to jump into a relationship. I just want a friend. Sometimes I really need someone to talk to. Tonight I needed someone desparately. I reached out... God... I didn't want a big social event. I just wanted to talk to my friend.

I just don't see the future right now. Nothing. No path to happiness. My ability to devine the future is asleep tonight. There is only now, the moment of death, and the long intervening misery.

My life feels like such a cruel mockery. I see myself in the mirror. Tearstreaked eyes, stubble on my face. I think I'm fooling myself in ever believing I'll be anything but what I am. Am I down right now, or what?  I just don't want to play this sick fucking game any more. It hurts too much, for too long. It's costing me everything. All I have and then some. It's really hard to see the possible happiness at the end of this when I feel so ... wounded? Alone? Afraid? Rejected? Lost, frail, freakish, ostrasized, tired.  Why me?

I'm going to sleep. I can only hurt so much in my dreams.

02-May-00
Well, I survived last night's emotional tornado. I woke up this morning with all emotional charges set back to normal. I guess I felt like regardless of what I'm doing for Beep, I got put on the bottom of the priority list for her, and I found that very insulting and painful. Even when we were married I never had much of her time, but we had a few minutes each night before we went to sleep. I guess I can kiss that all goodbye now.

I think my butt is getting bigger. My jeans don't seem to fit the same any more. My neck is also getting smaller. Good. I hope the trend continues.

04-May-00
I had 5 hours of electro with RK last night. She was great about listening to my bitching and moaning about my life. Thank you SO much for that RK. (hug) Of those 5 hours, I'd say I cried for 1 1/2 of them. I was just a mess. It wasn't from the electro, just other things that had built up. Stuff with Beep I think. I REALLY love her and miss her.

I am definitely developing little bumps behind my nipples. (SMILE) I WILL HAVE BOOBS SOON!!!

I took a nap when I got home from work and woke up feeling this tenderness in my chest. I felt SO good about it, like 'Damn, I FINALLY hit puberty'.

 All the emotional torrents in the world are WORTH this. They actually keep me from building up too much crap in my head. It feels good to get it out. I've had these emotional bubbles burst before, but they usually seem much more reserved... and years between them. Now, they're like four times a week! Maybe I'll finally dig out all that lifetime of emotional charge I could never seem to reach before.

Right now... I feel pretty good. Tired, but good.

05-May-00
Great. Cinco de Mayo. The THIRD official ‘let’s all get drunk’ day of the year. Swell. I’m actually pretty happy without drinking (and burning MJ). It’s nice. It’s actually nice not to feel like I NEED to. I think I’m finally ‘stable’, chemically. Yeah, I bet I won’t be saying that after the next hormone driven emotional torrent, huh?

Here’s another of those mind-boggling truths… It doesn’t matter what I go through with transition, people will not see it as any kind of accomplishment or merit badge. Once complete, it will probably not even be noticed. My major victory in life will be invisible. It doesn’t matter though. I’m not doing this for anyone else but me. I’ll know, that’s all that counts. I will be aware that I am capable of virtually anything I put my mind to.

Again, I’m gonna be one indestructible tower of iron will when this is complete. I’ll be a rock, I’ll be an island! Sing along! (laugh)

My sister asked me what my clothing sizes were because it’s getting to be yard sale season and she wants to keep an eye out for stuff for me. She is the self-proclaimed yard sale queen! (laugh) Thank you sis, for thinking of me. (HUG)

Metallica (again in my thoughts) is suing napster for releasing copyrighted material. It occurred to me that these guys are… well… RICH! I own a copy of pretty much all their albums. All but one were legally purchased copies. My copy of ‘And Justice for All’ is a crappy third generation tape, which I’m sure I’ll just purchase on CD soon. I support the band monetarily. I think all of their fans have. They ought to just say ‘Fuck it’ and make that kind of trade of their music free to the fans. Or, at VERY least, make it legal to those people who have purchased copies in other media formats. I have about 15 Metallica songs in MP3 format on my machine at work. I have purchased legal versions of all of them. I’m not paying Metallica for those MP3s.

To the band members of Metallica: Is this REALLY threatening your livelihood? How ‘bout lightening up? You remember when you were young, dealing with a bunch of uptight ass-holes in the industry? Guess who the up-and-coming people consider that to be now?

Soreness has switched mostly to the left side of my chest today. I was requested at work to move a file cabinet today. I think I want to formally have my name removed from the ‘guy’ list where manual labor is concerned. I’m losing muscle mass, and my chest hurts too much to be lugging stuff about.

I might be going back to RK’s for more electro tomorrow. Oh, what fun! I wish I could actually afford more. I want this crap done fast! I’m tired of it.

07-May-00
Just got back from seeing 'Gladiator' with NB. Good movie. I cried at the end (big surprise, huh?).

I'm doing some page remapping of the StLGF web site. Trying to determine a good layout. Hoping to find ways to make the site more friendly, and easily navigable.

Had a down couple hours last night and ended going to bed early, then got a call at 2:30 AM from TR. I was up anyway listening to a thunderstorm. We talked for about two hours. It was good.

My chest seems to get more sore every day. I am beginning to find it annoying.

08-May-00
I had a dream last night that I was lying in my bed and noticed this pricking feeling in my ankle, then again in my heel. It was a snake that had bitten me and was still attached to my heel from which I had to pry it free. The fangs didn’t appear to pass through the callus of my heel, and having pried the snake free, I saw that it was all black. I thought it was probably a black snake until it puffed out its neck. I had never seen nor heard of a black cobra, but was worried that I may be in trouble due to its poison. I began looking in my building for whoever may have tried keeping a poisonous snake in the building, and noticed as time passed, I didn’t appear to be affected by any poison. It’s just a weird dream that I can’t understand. I’ve been thinking about it all day, with no luck.

Here’s what the Dream Emporium has to say about snakes… ( http://dreamemporium.com/ )

SNAKES are symbolic of untapped creative energy, life force/the kundalini. Snakes have historically been acquainted with evil, but that is not the typically accepted dream symbology. It is a symbol of rebirth, because of the way the snake sheds it's skin. In some cases, it can be a sexual symbol...but Freud thought just about everything was a sex symbol in dreams, so I am hesitant to even mention it; however, if these are the 2 dream themes you are having at the same time in your life, then these could be symbolic of your untapped sexual energy. This will often be experienced in puberty, and is normal.
The literal translation of kundalini means coiling, like a snake. This symbol of "coiling" represents ready & able energies which are not yet tapped into by the Self. That will happen as one becomes spiritually enlightened. The kundalini is like the base of operations of your consciousness, so when you are finally ready to move & make changes in your life, then the kundalini will pave the way for your consciousness to evolve & make those changes.
For more info on the kundalini, visit this page by Kurt Keutzer of Kundalini Resource Center @ http://hmt.com/kundalini/  ..........

Umm… sure… whatever. If this were my Kundalini, then I first perceived impression is that it was (relatively) harmless. Then, I saw that it was deadly… and worried about it killing me, but time passed with no lethal effect. So, it appears to be potent, but not dangerous to me. I don’t know if that interpretation rings true. Whatever the snake represents, it was frightening but in no way really threatening.

I really need to get a hold of this loneliness issue. I don’t know why I feel so bad when I’m alone. I need to dig this burr out. Funny thought that at long last all these fears are being faced. It’s hard coming to terms with them… but I am, a little bit at a time. Physical assault is still a very real fear. And the loneliness thing.

10-May-00
I told a friend last night ‘Do you think I really give a rat’s ass what anyone else thinks?’, in regards to him telling me a mutual acquaintance knew about my transition and thought I was nuts.  It’s getting truer every day, my uncaring about other’s opinion. I spent months … years really, fighting myself. THAT was the battle. I survived. I can live without others who don’t agree with my decisions. They need to find their own peace with my decision. It hurts that they think I’m a freak, but I won’t change coarse to appease them.

I’ve been thinking of the black cobra dream again. I understand that whatever the snake represented, I was the owner, and trying to find responsibility for it from someone else. It had no power to affect me. The interpretation about the snake being ‘pent up energy’ (or whatever) doesn’t seem to ring true. Is it another manifestation of the dark sludge of stuff in my mind? Is it creative energy waiting to be released? I have definitely had a surge of productivity lately, both at work and at home. Is it a danger from an unexpected source that turned out to be harmless? I can’t pin this one down.

Okay, skip this paragraph if you don't want to know gross biological stuff. I thought the HRT would stop any desires for sex. It just stops MOST of them. I still occasionally masturbate (naughty word alert!). I was told by a post-op friend that if you don't stretch the skin occasionally, it actually shrinks and leaves less material for reconstruction. Kind of 'use or lose' . (laugh). Well anyway, the fluid produced isn't the same. My post-op friend referred to it as 'shooting blanks'. (smile) I'm pretty happy about it. Oh, did I mention that the pubic area which is reconstructed needs cleared by electrolysis? Ouchies! Now I bet you wish you would have skipped this paragraph, huh?

11-May-00
Hi all. I met with a friend last night. I had met this lady before, sort of a friend-of-a-friend thing, but called her recently, and found we only live like 4 blocks away from each other. So, I went over to her place, had a glass of wine and we talked. It was really nice. Hi, MC, thanks for the hospitality on such short notice.

It makes me feel good to think that instead of wallowing in my own feelings, I’m supporting someone emotionally. I think it’s part of my calling. I feel better about myself knowing I can help others, or at least sit and listen to them. Hey, I should be a shrink! (laugh)

Good quote…
“The Fates lead him who will; him who won't, they DRAG!”

I was dragged (possibly more than one definition of ‘drag’ is applicable here) (smile)

Change of subject… I always knew dreams were a language, and that I didn’t know that language. Sometimes, at their most literal, I understood dreams. For some reason, I’ve felt compelled to read the New Testament again (haven’t read anything from the Bible in YEARS). Jesus spoke to the multitudes frequently in parable. Much like what I find in my dreams. Meanings that are obscured until interpretations are provided. I am learning to interpret these parables of my subconscious. There is a real power to hearing what you’re thinking. We develop skills to ignore things in life. Once those are in place, it’s hard to remove the filters some times and get the full information.

We ignore a lot of what our minds tell us. I certainly did, all for the notion that I was going to live a '‘normal'’ (heterosexual male/working professional/middle class/2.5 children/9-5 job/walks in the park) kind of life, even if it killed me. It nearly did. When all the tallying was complete… I realized I wanted to live. I also realized I was dying by my own hands, a little each day, living out my notion of ‘normal’ for fear of being abandoned by my loved ones. Hating myself for the love of others. Didn’t I make them all so proud? All that time, I had nightmares, and twisted bizarre dreams. I was trying to tell myself something. I was also intentionally ignoring these signals.

16-May-00
Well, I sold my wedding band today back to the same shop I bought it from. Damn... every time I saw it in my little change dish on my dresser, It felt like a knife twisting in my rib. Why was I holding onto a little shiny trinket that hurt me so much to possess?

'One ring to rule them all, one ring to find them, one ring to bring them all, and in the darkness bind them'. The weight of that little ring made me want to pitch it into the fire and see if it had elven runes inscribed in it. ... Ummm, these are all 'Lord of the Rings' references. Read the trilogy if you haven't yet. Or hey, just wait for the movie coming out soon. OR... go rent the old animated version.

I got in an arguement with TR this evening. He really believes men should be set above women. The debate between us escilated until I couldn't take it any more, and left before I started crying and ranting incoherently. What? I'm supposed to believe that by virtue of what dangles between my legs, I should be ruling class or servant? BULLSHIT! My mind is the same. Why should external anatomy decide anything? Men are in charge because they're physically bigger, sometimes forcing their will on women, and partially because women let them think they're in charge just to make things go more smoothly.

I was so hurt by his beliefs. THEN, then he has the nerve to say that among the three of us in the room, only HE was a parent. I guess my 6 years as step-father meant NOTHING. I told him there were no children in the apartment. He is not responsible on a day to day basis for his children (being divorced). He said the comment really hurt. I wasn't trying to hurt him, just explain that NONE of us there were really parents. I asked him if my 6 years as step-father where less important than his 6 years as a father. He said yes, they were less. DAMN! Would you like to insult me in any OTHER way? I'll probably call him tonight and try to patch things up. I don't know if I can get over this though.

After that debacle, I went over to Beep's. I kinda vented to her. I felt better. She's having a party soon, and said she was not going to invite me. She said there were going to be some single guys there. (smile) I hope she meets a nice guy. It's going to kill me, but I guess I'll adjust. I wish her all the best.

Joanna! I understand you're still keeping up with the page. Great! Drop me a line. Hey, did it shock you to get a message this way? (laugh)

Heh... I just re-read the title of this months entry...'Bumps in the road'. True. Boulders in the road might have been more accurate. The good news is I feel mentally more healthy than I've ever felt. The stress my mind is taking is in manageable loads, spread out over a reasonable period.

Oh, yesterday, I had another meeting with my Physician. Every time I see him, I like him more. I was prescribed progesterone and given a prescription also for pain pills, to make electro more tollerable. It was fine on the cheeks, but as the clearing moves toward my chin and upper lip, it becomes far from pleasant.

Oh... those last two paragraphs... the connection is the rate of change needs to be kept reasonable. My doctor and I are in agreement that this allows me time to mentally adjust to the change. That's good. I'm remaining calm. (smile) Tough some times, especially when I think I'm the center of gossip, or that people find me in disfavor because of my need.  I also went off on TR about my 'choice'. I don't feel like I have a choice. I tried 16 years to be someone I'm not. It killed me a little each day. At the end of that, when I started this diary, it was at a critical point. The only choice I made was to continue living, and THAT was a tough decission, knowing all the pain it would involve.

But you know? I wake up in the morning more happy with who I am, and I go to sleep at night with a clear conscience. Life is tough, but it's tough for everyone. Why should my life be any different?

18-May-00
Well... I'm out of Estrogen and have been for two days. Walgreen's pharmacy has this nifty automated refill survice, which I called Tuesday night to ensure I wouldn't run out. Well, they call me a couple hours after I place the order, saying they didn't have any Menest in stock, and that it would arrive today. So, I spread what I had out across yesterday, and called them today at about 4PM to see if the refill was ready. No, the Menest didn't come in on the shipment this afternoon. Well, GEE thanks for telling me that. Then, after pressing the issue, they call the supplier, and it's on backorder, like MONTHS. So... After getting a bit huffy... not quite pissy, at the person at Walgreen's, I call my doctor's office. He's not in today...DAMN! It never seems to go smoothly. So, I sit and wait for my doctor and the pharmacy to figure out what's what, and hope someone calls me back this evening before I get too depressed and jump out my window (onto the restaurant roof below me, which might result in a twisted ancle).

I was also supposed to have dinner with MM from the StLGF, which was going to be at 6 or 7, but now she has to work late, and it won't be till 9. Ugg.

I had a chicken-pot-pie for dinner. I figured that will hold me till then. My mom used to make them for me when I was a very young child, preschool age. It brought back warm memories for me. Funny how things have psychological associations, huh? I wrote a letter to my mom, which I have not yet sent. I think I'll send it tomorrow.

I called TR after our squable, and we appologized to each other. (smile) Funny, I don't think he would have called me. As if his fingers are broken and he can't dial. Anyway, I went to sleep that night with a clear conscience, the best way to go to sleep.

I went through last night and put targets in all my diary entries, then updated the Writings page so people could go directly to specific dates, and added the 'Previous/Next/Back to Writings Page' links at the bottom of each months files. Hope it makes things easier to navigate. I'm considering putting links by topic next... or maybe a search engine or something equally spiffy. Or not... whatever.

I noticed today that my nipples are secreting a clear fluid when I squeeze them (gently). Beep had told me before that she'd gotten liquid from them. Weird. The liquid is totally transparent (not milk).

I clipped my nails. They were long, well-shaped, strong, healthy, and a pain in the ass to type with. (laugh)... (sigh) Unfortunately, fashion must sometimes take a back seat to practicality. Ohhh, the utter tragedy of being a working woman! (LAUGH)

Okay, enough drivel for one evening. G'night.

19-May-00
Stayed home from work again today. I'm three days off of Estrogen now and I'm almost constantly grinding my teeth. The first thought in my head this morning was putting a pistol to the back of my head and...   Well, I cut the thought off. I can tell now (somewhat) when things are actual feelings, and when they're from weird chemistry.

I dragged myself out of bed at about 11 this morning. Some of this feeling was my own stupid fault. I met MM at Alibi's last night at 9 and stayed till almost midnight. Instead of stopping at one beer, I had three (along with LOTS of water, so I wouldn't dehydrate), but still woke up feeling bad, not so much hung over, just super-tired, pissy, and depressed.

My replacement prescription (for Premarin) is waiting for me at Walgreen's. I'm just waiting for the traffic to die down. I would not be able to face rush hour traffic right now, no way, no how.

I met my friend TR for lunch, and through the two hours we sat there, I watched him consume 6 glasses of wine and a scotch on the rocks. TR, you have a drinking problem you need to face. NO ONE drinks 7 alcoholic drinks for lunch, dude.

In the absence of the estrogen, I have been SORELY tempted to seek out some MJ... and have thus far staved off the urge. I told MM last night, I'm probably the only human in the world that acknowledges themselves to be a recovering pot addict. I'm in control of my consumption of every substance, but that. If I had it, I'd smoke it. If I smoked it, I'd be totally lethargic, get nothing done, and hate myself, get MORE depressed, and smoke MORE. A bad downward spiral. Solution? Simple, do not ever possess the substance to begin with. Avoid situations where it's available... and toughest of all, keep constant diligent watch not to slide back into that pit. Pot pit... heh! (smile)

Later... Okay, I'm back from picking up my prescriptions, including progesterone and a painkiller for electrolysis (Darvocet).

Until the hormones work their magic, I will be here suffering through hours of agony, listening to my pulse throb in my ears and wanting to rip someone's throat out with my teeth. I'd forgotten how intense this rage was without the hormones. It SUCKS! And that's even tempered with the spiro still. I'm sure it's all a matter of our mental defenses. Mine had been strongly on guard before the HRT. Now, they're a bit lax.

A site on mammary gland development... of current interest to me (smile).
http://mammary.nih.gov/reviews/index.html#a1

Later still... I'm calming a little. I keep expecting calls from SOMEONE. For God's sake, it's Friday night. Aren't I exciting enough for SOMEONE to want to call? (frown) I get REALLY fed up with trying to be the fucking social coordinator of St. Louis trans activity. (pout)

Well... maybe this is an emotional burst from the HRT... I think I'll start understanding the TRUE meaning of pissy, once to progesterone starts taking effect.

And STILL Later... 8PM...  I'm crying uncontrolably, and feel this emotional bubble coming up, bursting, releasing heartache that has no source. Great. I trade anger for crying. I feel so frail emotionally, crystal brittle, shiny with tears. I feel like a wreck. I'm a joke, a mockery of the two polarized extremes. Soon, I'll qualify for posting my pictures under 'chicks with dicks' sites. What a fucking mess. Again... I'm shedding. I'm changing. Change hurts. When it's good, it's really good, and when it's bad, it's really bad. Right now, it's really bad. Welcome back to HRT, Lynn. You ASKED for this...

20-May-00
I keep trying, thinking I'm some help to others. God, I don't know... I'm just feeling really tired of all this. I hurt, and again struggle with being alone and feeling like I have no purpose in living. I thought I'd be of some help to a friend tonight, and seemed to find just exactly all the wrong things to say. Then, I went to the PFLAG meeting, and ended up, after the trans discussion group split up, I couldn't find anyone to talk to, when I finally did, I broke into choruses of what my past 10 months have been like. Lots of loss... Lots of struggle, and finally felt like I'd bummed this poor lady out that I'd cornered. When I left the meeting... I was again suddenly all alone in the world, left with only my dark musings to keep me company.

CH, I can't tell you why life's worth living. I don't know myself. I don't know if I'm more afraid of you offing yourself because you'd be taken from my life... another thing stolen from me by fate, or that I'd see it more clearly as my likely future. Please... God, I'm begging you, don't go. I can't take it anymore. I'm going to bed.

22-May-00
Why go on?

I’m in serious need of an explanation as to why I should go on suffering. I am using up all the ‘good faith’ credits I may have ever had at work. Today is payday, and I am already trying to figure out how I’ll make it to the next without running out of gas money or food. I spent 8 hours in the last two days in a dentist chair, having facial hair burned out. My face has a dull throb, and is oozing slightly on the right side.

I guess I’d like to be optimistic, but I just don’t see how I’m going to make it.

I dreamed about little pink hairless baby mice in a cage (actually a covered aquarium. No, not filled with water). They kept climbing out, these ridiculously small pink squirmy things. I kept trying to catch them and put them back in. some were getting squashed by careless people, some were climbing into little cracks under the baseboard. That’s all I remember of the dream.

I think it means this new me is escaping, and part of me isn’t happy about it, wanting to keep it caged. Frightened that being too young, it would be injured by harsh reality.

A coworker joked that in my absence last week, I wasn’t even missed. It was meant as a joke, but it feels all too true to me right now. I’ve got to pull myself together. This is not healthy.

Heh. I put in some music, I thought it would help. Pink Floyd and several others failed. Handel – Water Music suites 1-3 seems to be doing the trick. Very calming and relaxing. Ahhhhh.

I wonder if the decrease from 30mg to 20mg of Celexa would be the root of so many dark emotions. Crud, playing with pharmaceuticals again…. I really need to only start/stop/change dosage of one thing at a time, so I can isolate the individual effects.

Still didn’t really sleep well last night. Dragged myself out of bed. Sinus crap again. I keep expecting to hear back from a girl named Mia from the StLGF. She believes she’s pre-op transsexual, and is looking for a friend/guide/mentor. I’ll help however I can.

Hey.. remember the dream about the black cobra. I got the reference now. The Metallica song ‘Don’t Tread on Me’ from their self titled album. Link to lyrics…

http://www.mninter.net/~bimals/black.html#dont

It’s anger. NOT a phallic symbol. Venomous hatred. It turned on me, but is powerless now…

Mice, ostriches, snakes, bees… my dreams are a menagerie. (laugh)

Ugggg….. Round two of today’s depression sets in. I just get these sinking feelings in my heart. Like deep sorrow with no source I can find. I also noticed some hot flashes. Yeah, probably chemical, but it still feels crappy with my emotions raw and hurting. The dull hurt I’m feeling emotionally is just horrid. Why? Why do I feel so bad? It’s like I feel this way, and I’m trying to justify it with fact, instead of realizing it’s not real, but refuting it with fact. That’s the same reason people feel so opposed to this transition. They get an initial emotional response, then build their arguments to match that feeling, not vice versa.

You know, one positive in all this? I’ve asked and answered questions more candid than I could ever believe possible.  There are these walls of ‘proper etiquette’ we construct to keep from going into socially uncomfortable areas. I’ve had to wander well past those boundaries, and I must say, I’ve never felt too bad asking tough questions. Assuming they are not said with malice, I can’t imagine any question being too unreasonable. What can be hurt from asking? The worst response I can imagine is ‘None of your business’. I can live with that.

I heard back from MM via email, and got some encouragement from a mailing list I’m on. I feel better (for the moment).

23-May-00
I feel much better this morning than yesterday. Thanks to everyone on the
anti-jen adult e-mail list for their kind words.

It looks like I’ve got a full week in my social calendar. Tomorrow I meet
with a new girl in the StLGF after work, to discuss issues of transition.
Since she’s coming over to my place, I will spend this evening doing
domestica. Thursday, I’ll be going over to MM’s after work, for a geek-fest.
Friday evening Valkygirl shows up for a visit over the weekend. I may work
some of Saturday, spend Sunday relaxing. NB’s going to his parents this
weekend, so I won’t see him till… what? Next week I guess…. Hey! Dammit! Why
didn’t someone TELL me Monday was a holiday?? (laugh)

Well… that may save me in lost work hours. Working on a holiday. I don’t
mind, really. It’s not like a REAL holiday anyway.

I sat a little today, and thought about whether I HAD to go through with
this. The HRT is pretty much calming pretty well…. I don’t know. I need to,
I think. I don’t know for certain, but it WOULD be nice to fall neatly into
only one gender bracket. (sigh) If you already do, and haven't had to work
to get there, you don't know what you've been blessed with. I’m thinking
about creating a list of everything I have, not material, but all the things
which I have which are not guaranteed in life.

Health (mostly)
Intelligence (mostly…heh heh)
My sister.
My friends CL, DJ, and ES in Ohio, who have stuck through this with me.
My friend PA, and family. Thanks.
My friend TR.
Beep, still there for me.
My job (I am VERY grateful for it)
StLGF and PFLAG
A country not at war.
A safe place to live.
All my body parts.
 

I don’t think I’ve even completely forgiven myself. What do I need to
forgive myself for? First, I thought I wasn’t strong enough to control this
dysphoria. Now… I guess I’m blaming myself for not facing my issues earlier.

I have brought up sacred issues, opened everything for examination. I have
faced fear. I haven’t solved all my mental querks. I wonder if I ever will?
Or, is it like electrolysis, just getting to a point where dealing with the
smallest issues just aren’t important? Ran out of mental ‘hairs’ to remove…
weird connection, huh? It’s just funny that I HATE that fucking needle, but
I still sit there for hours… Zott! Ouch!

It's kind of starting to feel monotonous. Same-same... Nothing of great interest to report today. All is okay, I guess. Full week coming up. I'm meeting with a new girl from the StLGF tomorrow night, MM Thursday, Valkygirl Friday, Maybe Valky/Aoi/MM on Saturday. Whew! NB is off visiting his parents this weekend.

My face still hurts from Saturday/Sunday. At least it's not oozing any more. Yay.

24-May-00
I went home last night, had half a pint of chicken fried rice, and went to sleep. I didn’t get up till this morning. So, my place is a wreck still, and a new girl from StLGF will be over this evening to chat. (sigh) I’m SUCH a slob!!

This girl, Mia, who I am having dinner with this evening, is looking for someone to talk to about transition. I think she’s looking for advice and such, but I really don’t feel I’m in a position to give advice. I can tell her what I’ve done, or I can point her to resources, but that’s about it. Most important though, I can offer support. THAT I can do. That is the most anyone can hope for, I think, especially in all this. Not a clearly defined path to follow, but someone to ask questions of in a similar situation, someone to lean on for strength. I really want to tell her NOT to transition, but that’s just my fear speaking. I don’t want to lead her down a primrose path, for certain. This is not for the weak. Of coarse, some people have easier paths in transitions. Facial hair, and structure, height, weight, lots of things change the difficulty. I am, in some ways, lucky. My height is great, my facial features (minus my chin) are passable. Height can’t be changed, making it a real stumbling block for some. My voice needs lots of work, but can be improved upon.

I finally narrowed down a problem at work, had the solution figured out, and then, when I was about to implememt it, I realized what the customer was asking for was impossible, the way our databases are currently set up. Then, also, no one was at the customer's site that had any clue what I was talking about. Of the last 5 problem reports I've been given, I've only been able to work ONE to completion. THAT is utter frustration.

My brain feels foggy again, like it did last night, but I've gotta get this place straightened up. So, away I go!!!

26-May-00
Somehow I lost yesterday’s entry I think. So, remind me to re-describe my ‘Urban Decay’ Dream. Had a great evening with MM last night. We watched ‘Evil Dead’. It’s the first time I’ve ever seen it actually. I’ve seen Evil Dead 2 many times, but never the original. I had the rare occurrence where a few scenes actually scared me. I haven’t really felt that since puberty. More mental rewrite. Now I know why girls don’t like horror movies as much as boys.

I’ve got this neat trick I can do now… I can squeeze either of my breasts, and produce several drops of liquid from the nipple. It’s not milk, just something like sweat. I’ve been told as long as they’re not doing that on their own, I’m okay. Heh-hehe-heh. I showed MM last night, and I think she was suitably impressed! (laugh). Aoi, Valkygirl and I are going over to MM’s again Saturday for more geekiness. Yay! MM said she feels like she’s finally been let into the inner circle. Hah! What a great privilege! Gee, we geeks ALLOW her to have us come over and watch cheesy movies and such.

I had lunch today with my supervisor. It turned out much better than I expected. I knew he wanted to discuss with me what God had done in his life. I hope he sees now, I’m doing this to heal, to grow, to put aside my anger at my past, to attain salvation. It’s a tough trip.

I know some day I’m going to die. No one lives forever. I just want to make peace with myself, my past, and God, if there IS one. I don’t have forever. Things in my life might not be what I wanted, but I’m coming around. Little by little I shuffle off the chains tying me to anger. One of Marley’s chains at a time, one lock undone at a time… Each lessening of the burden feels like mountains lifted. Soon, maybe I’ll fly! (laugh)

Oh… There was a message on my machine when I got home from MM’s house last night. My brother-in-law called to tell me my sister had been admitted into the hospital due to stomach pains. She’s had them off and on for several years. The doctors may have to do exploratory surgery. I hope you’re feeling better soon sis. (HUG) More importantly, I hope they can find a reason for the pains and fix it.

28-May-00
I spent the weekend watching other people snuggle, cuddle, and kiss, and realize how much it hurt. Cuddling with Beep, wanting more, wanting my old life back, but wanting to finish transition too. I miss my cats, okay? Is that dumb? I miss a lot of things. I know I need to transition, but the cost is so high... it just hurts so much... some nights... when I think how perfect my union was... and wish it could have lasted. I was stupid to believe she'd stick with me through transition. So ...fucking stupid.

29-May-00
Forgot to mention the great time I had Saturday night at MM's. Total geekette fest! (smile) Thanks, MM!! (HUG)

My sister is out of the hospital. They still can't figure out what's wrong with her. Damn.

My mom was in the hospital due to a blocked intestine. The blockage was cancerous, and appears to have spread to her lungs. I am told she does not want to pursue chemo. Does that mean she wants to die?

I went over to MC's place last night, after yesterday's entry. I was upset and looking for emotional support. Things got weird, and I ended up coming home, probably feeling worse than when I got there.

This morning I broke down and cried for about half an hour. I feel like I've reached my bullshit threshold. All this was just too much.

Today, I had lunch with SN, and then we walked in the park. It was nice to see her again.

I went over to Beep's again, looking for comfort. She was some help, but I ended up feeling weird and leaving. NB came over and I cried on his shoulder, which was very comforting. Then Valky and Aoi showed up. We went out for sandwiches, I was feeling very pissy, and Aoi made a comment that really cut me, so I went back to my place (it was that or break down bawling in public). Aoi and Valky never came back to the apartment. I'm sure they thought I was mad at them. I guess I was a little, but I was mostly just wound up too tight and feeling really hurt and vulnerable, and not wanting to be in public that way.

I think I can safely say this has been the most fucked up weekend I can remember... ever.

30-May-00
I had a brief dream last night that I had gotten an orchiectomy. I think I was gauging my own reaction of how I’d feel to such a thing. I didn’t feel the least bit bad, mentally. Another dream had me in a sort of post holocaust world, foraging for food. Gathering from the remnants of grocery stores, gathering crayfish from streams, etc. I think that translates to survival, but I don’t remember enough of the dream to understand for certain.

I’m still wrestling with my feelings for my mom. I love her. How could you NOT love your mother? I feel deep pity for her. I know her life has been tough. But mostly, I am furious at her for wasting her life. She has now been diagnosed with lung cancer. The growth that was causing an intestinal blockage spread, I guess. She does not want to seek treatment for the lung cancer. Estimates I’m hearing say lung cancer untreated leaves maybe 5 months of life, depending on the stage of the cancer when detected. It just burns me to think she cares about herself so little that death isn’t something she’s afraid of. She appears to approach this whole situation with utter apathy. And that just makes me furious. Damn…

My friend TR, said Sunday night that he might have lost an employment opportunity due to his relationship with me. A mutual acquaintance of ours was interviewing him for the position. They were arguing over TR’s friendship with me. TR feels the job may be lost due to this. THEN, TR was pissed at me for not telling him what a great friend he was, how noble, how forthright. Well, sorry, but if I had two children to feed and rent to pay, I’d have just dropped the subject and focussed on the job. I ALSO would not have told a friend that they were the cause of me losing a position, if that was actually the case. I would simply bear the burden silently. So… how to put this mildly… Fuck you TR! Pull your fucking head out of your ass before you get all tanked up and start spouting shit! Again, this is not the end of my friendship with you, but you REALLY pushed my buttons this time. I have in no way requested that you maintain your friendship with me. Do not EVER tell me that my friendship is a burden to you. You wake up every morning with the option of never speaking to me again. There is NO option of not eating.

Now… MC. I said yesterday that things had gotten weird. Well, first was the TR incident, second were mixed signals from MC, one of which was ‘The more female you become, the more I’m attracted to you’. Great. Look, I came to the two of you for comfort in the wake of being told my mom was dying of cancer and that she really didn’t care. What I ended up getting was drunken arguments between the two of you, and the strange feeling that I was a sexual object. Forgive me if I seem hostile about all this, but in the future, if this kind of shit is on the itinerary, please DO NOT invite me over.

CH, Thanks for calling last night. Sorry I had to cut the conversation short. I hope to talk to you this evening.

Aoi, sorry for getting all pissy last night. That was, without a doubt, the most emotionally trying weekend of my life. I’m not at all mad at you or Valky. I just didn’t have any sense of humor about your ‘typical male’ statement. I was also hurt that Valky had talked so long with me about coming to visit, and then the two of you just went your own way most of the weekend. I think I saw the two of you for maybe three hours. I had to bolt off the street because I didn’t want to start crying in public. Sorry.

All this leaves me feeling like I ought to just curl up in fetal position, throw a blanket over my head, and ignore the insanity beyond the comfort of my bed. Every time I take another jab in the heart, I just want to pull away, and ensure I’m not injured anymore. This weekend has left me almost frightened of reaching out to my friends for help.

I’m still worried about my sister too.

Can I change the coarse of my mom’s life? No.
Can I instill in her a will to live? No.
Why do I feel so horrible about her passing? Because I have many unresolved feelings toward her.
Can those be resolved without confronting her? I don’t know.
Am I ready to confront her now? I don’t think so.
However, I’m running out of time. I need to go talk to her.

Last time I talked with my mom, I had the distinct feeling that I was speaking with someone who was not my equal in maturity. She acts in many ways, very childlike. She doesn’t face her problems. I am still angry at her for not teaching me the skills I needed to be a functional adult. That really hurt.

Selfishness. That’s another issue that came up this weekend. Am I being selfish? I can’t say. I am definitely looking out for my own interests first. It all came down to answering the question ‘do you want to live’. I do. I want to live happily to a ripe old age. I hold no illusions of being a hero. Especially not dying as a hero. I’d rather live as a coward, thank you very much. TR and MC were saying they would die for each other. That’s fine. I would NOT die for them, or anyone else really. I keep finding all these people that claim to be that kind of friend, just wander off, move away, etc. No relationship is forever, it seems. Why throw my life away for a temporary relationship then? Why should I do anything for anyone that jeopardizes my life? I have very low material needs. I don’t like hoarding wealth, and I freely share what I have with people who have less. I try not to pass judgement. What more can be asked of me?

Selfishness is really just survival. Sacrificing yourself for your family isn’t a great nobility, it’s genetic selfishness, ensuring your own survival beyond your mortal days.  Sacrificing yourself for ANYONE but your children is frankly very stupid. Maybe it sounds romantic, heroic, and noble, but it’s just a bunch of crap we’re supposed to buy into. It’s a load of horse shit dressed up with icing, and I don’t bye it.

So, with surviving not being an option, then likewise, suffering through life didn’t seem a very good option. So, transition is not so much a choice as the only logical path available. The way my life WAS going, I would never be happy. I have changed that direction. There is no assurance that what I’m doing will make me happy in the end, but NOT doing it would ensure I’d never be happy. This is not a definite solution, but I think it will solve many internal conflicts. I’m not hiding from my problems now. The transition is only one of the things I’m currently dealing with. Sometimes I fail, and when I do, I am much harsher on myself than any other judge could ever be. I am trying to be fair now, and allow myself to make mistakes without such psychological reprisal. It is enough to know I made a mistake, try to fix the mistake, and learn from it.

Doesn’t that all sound pleasant? (laugh) Ugg… I’m just tired of it all. I’m tired of hearing how TM is judging me. Is he without sin? I seriously doubt it. I need to talk to him. I need to know what the deal is.

Why is it that of everyone in the world, I seem to be the only person able to admit I don’t have a fucking clue what’s going on, and that while I may very well be wrong, and still have the courage to continue? Do I KNOW 100% for certain that what I’m doing is right? No. I don’t know if I ever will, or ever could. I’m going by evidence. I take a step, I look around, I gauge my comfort. I take another step, et cetera. I am sort of feeling my way, like a blind person, through a maze. I realize that alcoholism and other addictions are bad for me, that my injection of constant anger into my relationship with Beep was not good for either of us. I know that my anger was not going away, and I know that what caused it was a daily effort to be something I’m not. I am not falling to sin, rather, I am making a great effort to let go of my anger, and forgive myself and all those people in my life who I felt have wronged me. I know I’m not wise. I know I’m not strong. I know that I am judged unjustly by all of world, not because I’m breaking a rule of God or nature, but because I’m breaking a rule of gender. Most people are never forced to rethink their beliefs, and when something falls outside their beliefs, instead of relearning, finding there are wide variations, they simply accuse, point fingers, and cast the ‘offender’ out, because it’s easier than spending the time and effort to adjust your views.

Murphy’s Law: Anything that can happen, will. That’s why there are homosexuals. That’s why there are transsexuals and intersexed individuals. I now know two XXY people. Intersexed. Explain to me what you are, if you have both male and female anatomy. Gender is NOT binary. It’s a gradient scale. There are genetic males with androgen insensitivity. They lack the receptors for testosterone. They develop female. Ovaries, mammaries, all of it. Sex is not necessarily absolute. Genetic testing is not an absolute determinant of someone’s sex. What IS then? Only an individual has the right to determine what they are. If my brain has hardware telling me I’m female, but my body is male, which wins? The individual’s internal identity, or the person’s external anatomy? I would argue that it is self-identity. The brain is the seat of self in the body. If I have anatomical anomalies that make my brain perform closer to female norm than male, what then am I? I have male external anatomy. What am I? Who decides? Why should I be stuck with a decision made by a doctor only using the evidence of my external anatomy? It is legally very difficult to get sex rewritten. Replacing legal documents, etc, is HARD. Bureaucracy steers like a continent. Which is to say, not at all. Why am I not allowed to state my own gender for official record? Worse, once someone else states it, why am I not allowed to change it?

Well… I think I’m done ranting for now. (sigh) Nothing seems to get resolved and nothing seems to change. I’ve had my tantrum for the day and worn myself out. Tomorrow, maybe I’ll be back at square one.

31-May-00
Last day of May. The horrid humidity of St. Louis in the summer is upon us in full. Yuck.

I tried to call Aoi last night, but she was off in Linux training class. I went to RK and CB’s place, and by the time I got home, Aoi had called, but it was way too late to call her back. I’m glad she wasn’t so pissed that she didn’t want to speak to me.

I told RK last night that Aoi seemed to be making no progress. That wasn’t totally true, and was very unfair of me to say. Aoi has (against her own fear) started training for a really nice job working with Linux. That’s a really nice place to be right now. She may move in with me when she gets the job. I think I’d like that. I keep thinking she pisses me off, but hell, right now more than half my friends are pissing me off. Uncomfortable underwear can piss me off. Let’s just agree that I am, in general terms… pissy. Damn premarin! Yeah, I’ll blame the HRT! (laugh)

Well, I guess I MUST be in a better mood. (smile)

Okay, I just booked a flight from here to Ohio for this weekend. I have this odd feeling of urgency in resolving my feelings with my mom. CB said last night I’d never forgive myself if I didn’t get resolution. I know she’s right. It’s funny when others echo so clearly your own conscience.  So, I guess I better figure out what I’m going to say, huh?

I have a clear sinking feeling about all this. (sigh) I think I’m afraid. I’m not certain, because when it comes to thinking about my mother, I have SO many things I feel. It’s a torrent of emotion.

I want someone to blame for all the mess in my life. In our society, litigation is so commonplace that I think it’s hard for us to imagine a crime with no one to blame. But, there was never really a crime. There were only events that happened. My life likely is the way it is because my mother was attacked by a virus as an infant. So, my fate could have been created by the movement of this single cell life form, on air currents whose origins may have been the flapping of a butterfly’s wings in China. No one to blame, just a burden of being different.

CB brought up last night my own feelings of being an outcast, the same issues my mother was facing. Feeling like a freak. Feeling unlovable and unloved.

I felt like a failure or a disappointment to her as a child. I could do nothing to gain her attention and praise. Not a hug, not a kiss… She hated herself, and thought we hated her too. She thought we were embarrassed by her. I love my mom. I never felt bad being seen with her.

I want her to know before she goes, that I was never ashamed to call her my mom. I want her to understand that she didn’t fail me. I didn’t warp and deform because of something she did. I want her to see what I’ve accomplished, and be proud of me as her child. I want her to depart this would at peace with me, and I with her. I can’t bear it to be any other way.

As I said, I had hoped for more time before this issue was forced, but now it has been, and I have no choice.  I feel I should have dealt with this earlier. There will always be the regret of days wasted.

I just realized… I want a photograph of my mom. I don’t have one. I need to get one of those disposable cameras for the trip. Things are getting rather hectic, aren’t they?

I went to lunch with KT, and she said, even if my life is bazaar, it’s at least interesting. I don’t think I LIKE interesting. (smile)

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