This chain… I wore it all my life. I have begun removing it. Mine isn’t like old Marley’s, but the feeling, as I shed it in small pieces is the same. Funny, you don’t know your burden until it’s removed. My feelings toward my mother, they’re part of my burden. I can feel my mental fingers grasping at the rusted lock, working, searching for the key to release it.

I called my sister, to arrange being picked up at the airport tomorrow in Columbus. She said all the info on mom having lung cancer is only from mom herself, who may be rather confused about it all, being that she’s been on pain medication since leaving the hospital. I felt a little mad about this, having rushed headlong into planning a visit, and then I thought, well, the reasons for visiting are still just as valid. We have things to discuss. I have feelings I need to resolve. She needs to know how I feel. And some day, she will be gone, and I won’t be able to tell her then. So, I guess I’m really not all that mad.

I'm kind of frightened about the whole thing. I don't know what to say, how to phrase it. I love my mom. I want her to be at peace.

Lets see if I can dig out some thorns...

What follows is a discussion (with myself) concerning my mom, and my feelings toward her.

Why am I angry? I was not given love/attention/affection or praise.
Was she in a position to give such love? Did her parents show her unconditional love? Did she accept that she was worthy of it? Did she think she was an embarassment to them?

Did I blame her for being TS? I guess maybe I thought it was my parents' fault, somehow. Do I still think that? No. There's no way they could have known. I was told once I was a mistake, an accident. I think that added to my pain. My mother has said that had she not thought women should have 4 children (wherever the hell she got THAT notion), she would have had herself made sterile before my sister or I were born.

Was she under stress during pregnancy? Absolutely. Already taking care of three children, and the eminent breakup of the marriage coming. Do I think these things affected me in development? Honestly, yes. I do, but they are not her fault, and it still is only a belief, only supported by tentative medical findings. And as I said, she's not to blame.

Did her medication mess with my development? Maybe, but if that were the case, wouldn't the meds have messed with my brothers and sister too?

Did her alcoholism mess with my development? Maybe. I have no obvious birth defects, so who's to say?

Was her alcoholism her fault? No, I know it's not. We have alcoholism on both sides of the family. She, probably like me, has chronic low-level depression. I only saw where I was sliding from knowing the warning signs from watching HER, and others like her.

Was she like me, chronic low levels of seretonin? I don't know. I'm guessing yes.

Did that cause the alcoholism? If she is clinically depressed, then yes, I think it did.

Can epileptics take SSRI's? Good question. I need to check.

Would it help? I think it would, especially if she wishes to fight cancer. Positive mental attitude can only help something like that.

Do I blame her for poverty as a child? Yes, I do. I know she had a hard time doing physical activities, and couldn't get a driver's licence because of the ceasures. The prospect of working frightened her, I'm sure. I shouldn't blame her. I understand the situation, I just haven't forgiven her yet... I guess I should.

Do I blame her for not being there and seeing my accomplishments? Yes. This is one of the hardest things for me to get over. I felt like I could do nothing to please her. I guess it left me feeling unloved. I'm angry at her for not loving me. I'm angry at myself for not being good enough to gain her love, for being a dissappointment to her.

She hid herself and slept, feeling wretched and unlovable. She didn't show her feelings. Why? She had taken the teasing and taunting very hard as a child. She had been raped in her late teens. I understand the strength of feelings I have about being raped, and my experience was a shadowy memory, vague at best. Hers is clear. Burned forever, I'm sure, in her mind. Imagine the impact of that on someone already taking life so hard.

Does she know all of her children were molested when we were young? All four of us, why? We were left unprotected. Left to fend for ourselves.

Is there a chance she will ever be really happy? I believe there is a chance, but I don't know if she wishes to make the effort.

My mom writes poetry... I think I would like to post some to the web.

Tomorrow, I'm going to go see my mom, and I'm going to try my best to talk to her candidly. I hope it's alright. I hope it helps both of us. I hope I can unshackle this burden.

04-Jun-00
I'm back from Ohio. I'm tired. I didn't sleep much at my sister's, probably about 5 hours each night. I actually fell asleep on the airplane on the way back. Wow! HOW can you fall asleep on an airplane?? Well, I managed it.

Okay, so the weekend in review. I arrived Friday afternoon, and we picked up pizza and movies and went back to my sister's place. There, we ate some pizza, and went through the clothes she had picked up for me at various yardsales she'd visited. That was very fun. Some of the stuff probably won't fit me, but that's okay. I'm aiming for a size 12 eventually.

05-Jun-00
Well, I don’t remember where I left off yesterday… I got to my sister’s, we went through the stuff she’d gotten for me, some nice outfits, a couple pairs of shoes, two purses, a makeup mirror, and a curling iron, and a caboodle to put all my makeup in (though I couldn’t bring it home due to space).Then we watched a movie we had rented (Galaxy Quest… very funny). That was pretty much my Friday.

Sleeping was a little weird there. I was on the couch in the living room, and they leave their TV running for background noise. I never sleep very well with sounds (especially speech). So, I think I ended up getting like 5 hours sleep, but that was okay, it just meant I didn’t feel like I was wasting my weekend.

Saturday morning was a slow start, and by about 11, my sister, my nephew (he’s 4) and I went garage saling. We wound up hitting about 8 of them, and in the process I found a black turtleneck shirt and a comfy looking flannel pullover casual shirt. We had lunch at Burger King and I then spent about 3 hours talking with my mom.

That was the whole reason for going, and I must say, it went much better than I could have guessed. She had just gotten up and was feeling pretty good. Not to make a joke of it, but it was also pleasant that she was sober. During the time I was there, a friend of hers stopped by with some miscellaneous groceries and such, including a 40oz bottle of beer. (sigh) It sat there beside her the whole time we talked, and she never reached for it. I am truly grateful that she gave me her undivided attention. I covered ‘why’ and ‘how’ of my transition. I had hoped to find my copy of ‘True Faces’ for her to read, but I couldn’t. I may go buy another copy and send it to her. Anyway, I told her all the things that had gone through my head on Thursday night. That mental prep-time helped immensely in gathering my thoughts for our talk. I left her feeling that I had re-established communication with her, something I think I should have done a long time ago.

The reports I’d received of my mom’s health were a bit overblown. She does have a spot on one of her lungs, but it has not yet been determined cancerous. That’s the GOOD news. The BAD news is that her oldest brother is currently dying of cancer, her youngest brother died of lung cancer a while back, and another sister of hers died of cancer. I had been unaware of all this except her youngest brother. The ‘C’ word came up way too many times for my comfort, and made me start thinking about my own genetic dispositions. That’s frightening. But then… I don’t smoke, and I eat fairly well… we’ll see…

So… Saturday evening, My sister, Brother-in-law, and I went out to a Kereoke bar. Heh-heh… Yes, I sang three songs, ‘Cheeseburger in Paradise’ by Jimmy Buffet, ‘American Woman’ by the Guess Who, and ‘Casey Jones’ by the Grateful Dead. The bar we were in was connected to a hotel. There’s a line in ‘Cheeseburger in Paradise’ where the lyrics say ‘Heard about the old time sailor men, they ate the same thing again and again. Warm beer and bread they say could raise the dead. Well, it reminds me of the menu at a Holiday Inn’. After the song, I asked my sister what hotel we were in. She said ‘Holiday Inn’. I kinda wondered why everyone was having such fun with that number. (LAUGH) My sister did several songs, one of which was ‘My Heart Will Go On’ by Celine Dion. I was AMAZED that she could actually hit all those notes. She did a great job. We had much fun.

We got home about 2 AM. I decided to sleep in my nephew’s room (since he was asleep on the love seat in the living room). I thought this would allow me to sleep better because the TV sound wouldn’t bug me.  I slept till about 7 when the sun came up. My sister’s cat decided I needed to pet it. So, it woke me up most insistently. (laugh) Again, another 5 hours of sleep…

We had a slow, relaxed morning. I tried calling many of my friends in my hometown area, having very little luck. At about noon, I visited my friends BS + TR(2), and their new son, who was SO cute. He looked like a little miniature BS! I know you two will make great parents. (HUG)

Then, my sister, nephew and I went to lunch, and she took me back to the airport for my return trip. I ended up falling asleep on the flight. Yeesh! How can you fall asleep when you are 7 miles above the ground hurtling at 600 miles an hours in a big steel tube? Well, I did, and had very vivid dreams while I slept. I took the metrolink back to the Central West End (I live only about 5 blocks from the station). I had brought very little clothing with me when I went to Ohio, wanting to have as much space in my bag for stuff my sister had gotten for me. On the way BACK, those 5 blocks were murderous. I got back to my apartment and pealed off all the nasty sweaty cloths I had on and took a shower.

And that’s about it, my weekend in a nutshell.

I’m hoping this opening of communication with my mom will work well. I want to tell her how I feel, to be honest with her. I hope she can take that honesty. Speaking to someone, and not feeling a need to skirt subjects… that would be nice to be able to do with my mom. Her drinking needs addressed. She needs to find her own peace, and I can’t lead her there. She has to do it herself. She also needs to understand she is worthwhile, and needs to go on with life. I have hope now. I didn’t think there was a chance to talk to her before. Now…like I said, I have hope. That hope is frail, and might not last against a lifetime of disappointment, but I have to try.

Later...
Okay, I was over at Beeps for dinner tonight. We had spinach quiche and salad. Beep and I then walked over the the grocery store and upon returning, we sat and watched 'The Truman Show', a movie I'd seen once before, and if you have not seen it, do so, it is awesome.

I had a weird shift in my sexual responses over the last few days (weeks?) Like, the construction workers I sometimes drive past in the morning. (sigh) When I catch myself, I get all embarassed. Why? Isn't that the life I wish? ... No, not wish... That's just who I AM. The more I look back, the more I sometimes wonder how much of my strength I spent fighting all my natural inclinations. God, was it a wonder how stressed I was all the time? Beep and I talked on our walk to and from the store. I feel the empty place in her I made when I pulled away. Yes, I chose to have my mariage end. I used to sort of think we were equally responsible for our marriage ending. Hey, I'm sorry, Sometimes I have problems facing up to my crimes. Regardless, The marriage is over, and I know it had to come to an end.

06-Jun-00
This paragraph is a discussion on my sexuality. If you think it may bug you, skip ahead. Last night was weird. I was getting all these conflicting signals of sexual attraction. There’s something about our sexual attractions… Sometimes I find myself attracted to women, and sometimes to men. Frequently, Trans folks manage to set off both of those attractions at the same time. Am I bi? I guess by definition of who I’ve messed around with, I guess the answer is ‘yes’. Last night, I found myself (and here I’d like to lie and say ‘for the first time’) attracted to a male friend of mine. This person is Beep’s brother, and the weirdness of the situation was bothering me. I pressed the urges down. I’ve also found myself get little flutters from my friend TR. Again, all just too weird for me. And, on leaving Beep’s place last night, we hugged, and I felt no jump in my heart, no sexual desire there whatsoever. Still, holding her closely was a wonderful warm comfort. I feel really embarrassed about the whole thing, and didn’t want to mention it, especially if TR reads this. I don’t want him to feel weird or uncomfortable. (sigh) It’s a tough juggling act, all this.

Between Beep’s friendship, and a marriage with her, I’d take the friendship ANY day. I was slowly poisoning our marriage with my anger, and I'm sure had I allowed it to continue our friendship would have disintegrated. She expressed her gratitude that I have followed through with my agreement of financial support. I couldn’t imagine putting her in a bad financial bind. I wish I could continue on indefinitely with monetary support, but the expense of transition is too high. Actually, I rather wish I could continue living with her, even if not her husband. Not sleeping in the same bed, none of that. We just worked together so well, in the day-to-day functioning of life. I had forgotten how great dinner was over there. Ah… well, it all went pretty much the only way it COULD have. Any other path would not have gone well, or at least AS well. (laugh) As if THIS path is going well! (laugh)

I mentioned on a mailing list today that I have for the past month (since starting the HRT) not had any real desire to dress En Femme. Now, in the last couple days, I have had the urge returning, and my desire is toward froo-froo, slutty, ‘F**k me’, clothing. Add this in with the weird feelings of attraction to males… I’m changing, and sometimes the change moves so slow it’s painful, and sometimes it seems so fast it’s terrifying. I guess I take the average, which seems about right.

I’m back to weighing about 180 (sigh), and I think that’s rising. I feel like I’m starving most of the time… just utterly voracious, and most of my food cravings are for protein and fresh veggies. Weird. I’ve been going through the stuff I brought home from my sister’s, and it seems that my guess of size 10 skirts was…well… optimistic. (laugh) I am, it appears, a lard-ass. (laugh)

Well… anyway… I’m mostly broke all the time, never have enough money to save, and keep wondering how I’m ever gonna afford SRS at this rate. I know once my electro is under control that will alleviate a large expense. And when my alimony payments end, between the two of them, I’m spending $1200 a month. Whew. I could save up for SRS in a little over a year if that income was available for savings. I was thinking, what am I gonna do with all that money AFTER I transition? I won’t have any real expenses. Maybe I’ll be able to buy a nice car, and start getting a good wardrobe. Heh… some day…

Meanwhile… I don’t know… Yard Sales. (smile)

I had an odd feeling of the familiar the other day. I had these churning emotions over something, and normally my feelings are very clear. This was sort of a cauldron of confusion, and though I’ve only been on HRT for about a month, and I hadn’t felt this particular mix of emotions in the last few weeks, it still felt familiar. So I sent my little mental clerk back into the archives in search of that feeling. It took a couple of days to find it, but I now remember. I was maybe 12. It was over something interpersonal that had happened with a friend. About 18 years ago… before I hit the ‘T’ hell. The T had messed with my emotions, somehow drowning out sensitivity, enhancing anger and decreasing about everything else. It sucked.

It’s funny. I bet if you’re not part of the transgendered community, you have no idea that it actually exists, and has political activists and such involved. Well, the funny thing is that once you are accepted into the TG community, it’s almost like a trap door opens under your feet and you slide into a new world. Getting OUT again can be a trick. If you can find people who will accept you unconditionally, it’s hard to face the fear of going back into the ‘real’ world. Just an observation. I’ve made an attempt to stay in touch with ‘normal’ people, non-trans that is, so I’m not saturated in one microcosm. ANY group, looking out for their own interests, will have a bit of a skewed view of reality.

07-Jun-00
I’m here. I’m tired. I feel like I could sleep for three days straight. I had a weird dream last night, but it faded before I could catch it. Something about me making one of my friends so angry, he was strangling me. I thought it might be cool to put up some dream-catchers in my bedroom window. Not so much that I believe their function, but sort of a symbolic reminder, and because they look cool.

I understand the effect now which has been described to me before. When M-t-Fs start developing breasts, most of the time, we view them looking down at them, and between that view, and the total sensitivity to every movement we feel through them, they seem HUGE! Now, when viewed in a mirror, mine are barely noticeable. I bought some medium size polo shirts from a coworker, since I’m almost swimming in my large shirts now. I was worried that the tighter fit across the chest would be like big blinking neon arrows to my ‘development’, but it really isn’t. There’s just not that much there. Even with the nipples getting darker and a bit larger, it’s not enough to really tell. It just looks like I’ve put on some weight. Heh… Which I have.

I’m kinda worried about my friend MM. I haven’t heard from her in several days, and have sent emails and tried to call her house. I hope all is well with her. (sigh)

TR was given an informal job offer yesterday, the formal offer I think will follow later this week. Good pay too. So things are looking up for him there.

Here’s an odd double standard: When you’re born, you are assigned a legal gender by a doctor who simply looks at external anatomy. But, if you have surgery to reconstruct the external anatomy, many will scoff and say you are still the gender of your birth. If you say ‘look between my legs’ for proof, they bring up chromosomes. If you tell them there are androgen insensitive males who were assigned ‘female’ by doctors, and who are raised as normal females, they’ll tell you that’s an exception. Of course they’re an exception, but so are transsexuals, you idiots! There is no winning an argument with people who construct their facts to match the opinion, and will not sway. That problem leads to all sorts of bad scientific data. Data bent to match the pet theories of moderately intelligent people with enormous egos.

Let me present some facts. There ARE homosexuals and transsexuals, there have been Gays and TSs, and, oddly enough, regardless of what legislature is passed, or what morality is forced upon us, there WILL BE gays and Trans people. Welcome to reality 101. They are a fact of humanity.

How can you say the activities of homosexuals, who probably represent 10% of the population (600 million worldwide) is morally wrong? If you’re not gay, and don’t understand it, that’s fine, but don’t tell me they’re wrong for following their biological imperatives, the same way heterosexuals do.

How can transsexuals (with an approximate population of 150,000 globally) be mentally ill, if our brain anatomy matches our notion of gender, but our bodies don’t? The seat of self-awareness is the brain. If there are anatomical differences in the brain between male and female (which there ARE) then that can either influence or completely control a person’s view of self and sexual orientation. How can that be sinful? Where is the sin in being what God made you?

I’ve had severe cravings for salad and protein lately. Weird. No desire for chocolate. No desire for carbs. Just meat, and raw veggies. I tend to just go with whatever my body craves. I figure it’s speaking to me of it’s needs, and tells me by cravings.

While I can tell I’m losing muscle mass, especially in the forearms and neck… I wish it were faster. I can see my collarbones now where they meet the shoulders. Cool, soon I hope it becomes visible all the way across.

Oh, yeah… just heard back from MM. Cool. She’s fine. (Whew) I am relieved.

Ugg… I just want (need) to sleep. I’m SO tired. I wonder what’s up with that? Another short evening with lots of nap time involved (smile) Maybe I’ll swing over to TR’s place and then go grocery shopping this evening… or not, depending on my energy level.

08-Jun-00
Well, this is fucking CUTE! I get home (very) late from work, no word from MM. I call her, no answer. Now it's been like 3 hours sitting and waiting, thinking there are two alternatives that may have happened. 1) she showed up here, and I wasn't home, now she's pissed at me. 2) Something bad happened to her. I'm so totally paranoid about the whole situation. Shit! SHIT!!

She doesn't turn on her answering machine, so I can't leave a message. She doesn't read her e-mail, so I can't reach her THAT way...

I'm so very unhappy being alone right now, and I had so looked forward to this evening. Now, I sit here all alone crying my eyes out on a sick progesterone fueled mind-trip. This sucks.  I want a new life, one that doesn't find me daily imagining a bullet passing through my head in slow motion. One where I'm not freaking out every third day. One where people don't look at me like I'm fucked in the head.

I had the overwhelming urge to just drain my bank account dry, pull all the cash I could on my credit cards, and go somewhere, leaving this wretched crap behind. I'm sick of it. Maybe I'd drive to California. Maybe I'd reach the ocean and just keep driving.

Why is it I'm the one always calling other people? Why doesn't anyone ever make contact with me? Am I a leper? That's how I feel sometimes.

I'm going to sleep. Let's hope someone will call with some good news. My soul just hurts tonight. I'm almost certain I'm going to have another stupid, disturbing dream tonight.

11-Jun-00
Hey all. First, and foremost, I'd like to say... my face really hurts! I spent 5 hours in RK's chair Yesterday morning/afternoon. She cleared my upper lip. Ouch. Now, usually, when someone say's 'ouch', what they mean, is something like staple under fingernail, or lemon juice in a papercut. You know... Ouch. When I say ouch, I mean dental surgery ouch. I had taken a Darvocet-N 100, a perscription pain killer. As RK worked from my right side, at the corner toward the nose, the pain started at annoying levels, and rose to very unpleasant levels. After the first hour, I took another Darvocet. The pain as she crested the ridge just before the little divet under the nose rose to a point where I was getting a sharp desire to sneeze, severe itching and I was holding back tears. Starting on the left side after stopping on the right side. She then started back in the left side bottom, working toward the nose. I was offered a temporary reprieve from the pain, but again, it began to escilate toward that little ridge. Then. she did the divet. For about the last hour, she worked that little needle into my hair folicles, in the small patch of skin, in that divet. Each galvanic pulse and thermal burst, just racing each other to my brain to see which one could injure me more! (laugh) If you don't understand what those terms mean reference Blend Method Electrolysis in your web browser. By about the last hundred hairs, every muscle was tense and I was cramping my jaw muscles, holding back an enormous urge to scream.

RK has a wonderful trait. She knows how you feel. She went through the same thing herself. She literally knows your pain. Sometimes, she'll cry along with her customers. I had been told this. I had never seen it first hand, till yesterday. We were both tear streaked at the end of the session, and I burst into full racking sobs when RK finally finished.

She catafarised the area (Ah... sweet cold catafarisis!) then finished with Aloe jell to the area.

I staggered to the bathroom to examine the results, feeling all woozy from the Darvocet. I again burst into tears. I recollected my composure, talked the ladies a few minutes, went into the kitchen for water. Something popped emotionally again, and again the tears, but CB had said something just a moment before, and I was laughing and crying, and I looked down in my water I'd just poured, and one of my facial hairs had landed in my water. It made me laugh and cry all the harder. The hair from my face, it felt, was conspiring to deprive me a simple drink of water, in it's desparate dying effort for one last poke at me. I sort of staggered into the living room, another emotional pop, and my knees were going out, I got to the couch, and curled up. CB said 'endorphins'. I don't doubt it. Painful things don't seem to scar when you can vent them. No need to dwell on the experience. (smile) And a few minutes after my crying stopped, I felt fine. Still a little woozy, but okay. CB had offered a piece of cheesecake... homemade... chocolate turtle... cheese cake. (SMILE) She's SO sweet.

Later...

Oh, Wow. Here's a good one! NB and I go over to RK and CB's and CB answers the door with her face all ... weird... It took me a second for my brain to figure out what was on her face. Well... mostly blood. Her face was lacerated and scratched and generally messed up. I think my first though it that she's been a victim of a hate crime. I ask her what happened, and she says 'domestic violence' ... A joke of her particular brand of humor. She had been trying out a new mountain bike, locked up the front brakes and went over the handle bars! Whoa! Ouch. The incident gave her a mild concussion, and required her lip to get stitches. Okay, just to note, where I discribed 'Ouch' earlier. This may go even beyond THAT!

CB... (HUG) All wishes for your speedy recovery are coming your way!

But damn it all. She upstaged me! I wanted to go over there and complain how much my face still hurt, and here she goes and does something requiring hospital treatment. Show-off! (LAUGH)

Ice on the upper lip seemed to do a good job of bringing the swelling down.

Tired now. Going to bed.

12-Jun-00
I woke this morning and the first thing on my mind was my poor friend CB. (HUG). Owies! Hope you’re feeling better today, but somehow I doubt it. I need to get her a ‘get well, and watch out for bicycles’ card.

I don’t think I mentioned Friday night DB and CH came over for dinner. Then NB showed up later. Okay that’s a total of 4 TSs in one room. It was starting to get weird. (laugh) My weekend, with the exception of a short brunch break with Beep, was fairly well steeped in trans stuff. They’re EVERYWHERE, I tell ya! (laugh)  My brain is being consumed by my TS issues, and I’ve been told that I get to look forward to a couple years of utter selfishness. Great. That’s just how I want to see myself. (sigh) …(laugh).

My weekend got all sort of blurred together. I think it was the pain killers Saturday, they threw everything out of whack, I think. Even today… I feel REALLY dead tired. Heavy, like I’m made of lead. I also had the same tummy pains I had from when I was taking Tylinol 3. Like intestinal cramping.

Oh, heh… something that came up Saturday during electro… RK and I agreed that electro was GREAT aversion therapy! (LAUGH). Any person seeing a therapist for Gender Dysphoria, should be sent to an electrologist for a few hours. If, after that session, they are still keen on the idea of going through with it, they are most likely trans. I can’t imagine anyone setting through all that and NOT being trans, not having a completely overwhelming need to change. RK’s electrology service, if you’re interested, is Electrology St. Louis.  I was told that I am third on the list for longest time to clear an upper lip. Highest was 9 hours, then 6, then me at 5. Imagine that the last hour was spent solely in the area between the two little ridges on my upper lip. That crap just plain sucks.

Many things in transition can be purchased. New facial features, voice surgery or therapy, etc. RK continues to bring up, as a balance to the severe density of facial hair I have, in my favor is something you simply CAN’T buy. I’m short. If you’re 6’0”, you really can’t change that. I’m 5’5”. I do not attract attention due to my height. My feet are also within reasonable shoe size, though a bit wide.

14-Jun-00
The time passes, but I don't feel like my transition is going anywhere. It's so slow, so tiring. I'm ... well, I'm sick of it. I don't want it. I looked as hard as I could at what would happen if I started this, I knew the steps, the process, but I never knew the duration was so marathon-like. I never knew the emotional difficulty. I mean, I saw the potential for pain, I just severely underestimated it. Now, I know very clearly I HAVE to change, but I'm afraid, and I'm dead tired. And I must honestly say my morale today sucks shit. The end. (frown)

15-Jun-00
Hi. I woke up on time (for once) this morning, and shaved before I showered. I HATE scraping my face with a razor. I HATE IT!!!  My upper lip looks pretty good without the shadow. I wish my whole face looked like that. Permanently.

I was told today by my supervisor in no uncertain terms that my work habits sucked, and that it would not be tolerated. If I’m called into his office again, I’ll be terminated. That pretty well bites. It’s due to my absenteeism. My fault. Both my sick leave and vacation time are in the negative. I feel ill. I just want to die. I’m tired of being tired. I feel like I’m holding together by the thinnest of threads. I wonder if or when it will break?

I think if the job goes… I don’t know. There’s no reason to live now, what about when I’ve put Beep in the bad financial position she’ll be in if I become unemployed?

My air conditioning died in my car, and I don’t have the money to fix it.

Okay… this is bad. I just asked my HR person who my beneficiary was for my life insurance. It’s Beep still. That policy is worth 1 year’s salary. I can’t believe I actually looked into that. God, I’m back to square one, where I was a year ago.

Help… I’m falling apart.

16-Jun-00
Rollercoaster! That’s all there is to say!

Wanna talk about weird? I’m sort of seeing an F-t-M, NB… Okay, I guess he’s my boyfriend. I was looking at the hair on him yesterday. He now has more chest hair than I ever had, and in the process of comparison, I SWEAR mine is dwindling. Keep in mind I only EVER had maybe 50 hairs on my chest. His legs are now hairier than mine. Mine are currently unshaven because I’m… well … lazy. He’s starting to get beard gray. Funny that I’m going through all this pain and expense to get RID of mine, and all he has to do is get a weekly shot for his to grow. (sigh) We agree that the up-front part of transition sucks much more for M-t-Fs, but the SRS part is vastly easier for us.  Our necks are the same size. We are the same height and about the same weight. Sad that we can’t just swap anatomy.  I’ve seen over and over where trans folks sort of form up into couples, but most of them I know are 2 M-t-Fs, more for companionship and support than sexual reasons. I keep thinking my situation is rare, but I’ve spoken to several couples in the same situation as me. Just weird.

I was called ma’am at lunch today by our waitress. I was in no way dressed in a fashion that would denote female, blue jeans and a polo shirt. Heh… Kind of funny. (Lynn does a happy little dance).

Last night when I got home from work, the floor fan in my apartment had locked up, and the entire apartment smelled of burned rubber. Yuck!

The other day a storm came through and knocked down half the tree my car was under, luckily, it wasn’t the part I was under. I just keep feeling these little mishaps are building up to something nasty awaiting me, like the fates are gunning for me and keep missing.

18-Jun-00
The weekend is in it's last few hours. Nine hours from now, I begin a new work week. The weekend... Hmmm. Friday night, I expected DB and CH to show up, but things conspired, and they didn't make it. Aoi showed up later and we had pizza and just generally chatted and stuff.

Yesterday, I went to renew my license, but the license beureau was closed (sigh), then went to have my car looked at, but the garage I go to was closed. Now, I KNOW I've gone to both of those places before on a Saturday. What happened??

ANYWAY. I ended up spending a large amount of time removing body hair Saturday... tweezing eyebrows, shaving legs, armpits, face (sigh).

I sorta burned my afternoon napping and then went to the StLGF meeting. It was nice. NB came over after the meeting and ended up spending the night (sheepish grin). Oh, get your mind out of the gutter! (laugh) I invited him to move in. We both have these little one bedroom apartments. His is mostly empty. I'm always lonely, and we're BOTH constantly broke, so maybe it'd be better if we pooled our resources and shared a place.

Today, I went over to Beep's. We went grocery shopping and then had grilled steak, mashed potatoes, and salad for lunch. Mmmmm.I came home afterward and fell dead asleep. (LAUGH).

Guess that's all for now. I'm in a good mood, and that's rather rare. Let's hope it holds. Bye!

26-Jun-00
I think I’m doing okay! I’m definitely falling for NB. He’s emotionally very supportive, which is definitely something I need right now.

Gotta clean my place up. I think NB is going to move in pretty soon, I’m guessing August. So, I guess it’d be a good idea if I got rid of the last of the lingering boxes from when I moved in (laugh) Lazy…. Lynn Lazy LeFey… (laugh) … (a lot of L’s there…)

My weekend was really very nice, but I can’t remember my Friday night… thinking….(grinding metal sound) …

DB and CH moved this weekend. I felt a little bad that I wasn’t available to help. Saturday morning I worked a few hours… wait… NB must have come over Friday night. Because he was there Saturday morning… (oh… I have  GREAT memory, not). Worked into the afternoon, got an oil change, came home, called Beep, and with her to the grocery store. Then I hung out there till late afternoon, and went over the RK and CB’s. Visited with a girl from out of town. She caught an 8:45 flight home, and the rest of us went for a walk afterward. Sunday… slept in late (10:00 AM) had breakfast, went to see ‘Chicken Run’ with NB, then went to do electro with RK. Back to the cheeks again, MUCH more tolerable than the upper lip. Some very minor swelling, which a coworker mentioned.

I sometimes get back on the concept of my own sense of self-importance. When I’m feeling good, not depressed, I wonder if I come across with haughty arrogance. Sometimes it feels that way, and sometimes, when I meet others like that, I realize it annoys the piss out of me. So, I guess no one likes a wise-ass.

Strangely enough, I’m tired again. Didn’t sleep well the last couple nights. Sinus funk in the air again. My head is swelling shut from allergies.

27-Jun-00
My car crapped out on me this morning. Over the last couple days, the temperature light has been coming on, this morning, I was going to take it in, but the battery was dead. Ironic. So, my morning was shot getting a wrecker over to give me a jump, then getting my car to the garage and getting a replacement rental car. (sigh) There’s a chance it’s a cracked head or leaking head gasket, which would cost $900-1400 to fix. Ouch.

I visited my MD yesterday, and we agreed to move my Celexa dosage back up to 30mg. He told me there was no sense taking a less-than-therapeutic dosage. I agreed. We also adjusted my estrogen from 5mg a day to 7.25mg a day. I am thrilled with him as my doctor. Very nice guy, and seems very comfortable with trans issues. He also commented that my features seem to be softening and that my hair was very nice. (blush, smile)

I’m in the process of creating a character for the role playing game I was involved in before this all started. I’ve been out for a while, and I miss the guys in the group. I also feel I have things relatively in good hands as far as the transition goes currently, now it’s just sort of in cruise mode. I hope the group can take the change okay.

29-Jun-00
Hi all. Feeling pretty good this morning. I’m still a little tired, but that’s par for the coarse it seems. I had a dream last night, but the details escape me. I know it had to do with me wearing knight’s armor, and finally giving it away to another person. The dream had a feeling of optimism about it. That, above all, stuck with me. It felt good. Slowly, I find myself peaking out of my shell, like a turtle… And everything’s safe… so far. (smile)

My company is looking to fill a Jr DBA position right now. I think I may put myself up for nomination for it. Somehow though, I kind of feel that it’s going to be the same as my request for web shop work. They’ll throw the carrot at me, then yank it away, leaving me bitter and cynical. I also know DBA work is not what thrills me, and a vertical move into a position that may make me LESS happy is, while monetarily desirable… not necessarily the best move for me right now.

My boobs hurt! Not that they really QUALIFY as boobs yet… but still.  Ouch! I got out of a meeting today at work, turned to stand up out of my chair, and just barely ran the corner of the next chair into my chest (high backed conference chairs). Ack, NOT fun!

Oh. Wow, sometimes old pains sneak up from unexpected places. I was just looking at a list of names from work, of people responsible for bringing in donuts on Friday mornings (a weekly ritual at our office), and tomorrow was supposed to be MB, my boss who passed away at the end of November. That felt really weird. Like, a couple days after he passed away, I received an e-mail from his account, that his widow sent me. The account still had his name on it. It felt like getting a message from beyond the grave.

I took the list down and threw it away. Strange, I started to get kind of upset and morbid, and then it just went away. (smile) I’m alive, I’m going to flourish… I hope! (laugh) No sense in lingering on the past. As I said back in November, my memories of MB are good ones. I’ll miss him, but I have no regrets in his passing. (smile)

Previous / Next / Back to Writings Page