A mental blockade gave way this morning. I was lying there beside NB, we had just finished a nice walk and we were lying down on my futon. I was thinking about stuff, and we had been talking. Some chain of thoughts led me to an emotional epiphony. The sub-memory of my childhood experience of sexual assault, something that I could never quite grasp before, finally resolved. I remembered my syblings commenting once that I had laid in a peculiar fashion as a child. Then I remembered someone else saying that lying in fetal position denoted a person with a strong sense of insecurity. That was how I had laid, as a young child, three maybe? I had a stronger sense of WHEN this event had happened. I pounded against the box around the memory. It wouldn't break. It was like an electric fence, a mental shock every time I tried to see it in my mind. Again and again I'd try, and every time fail. I had felt like I'd dented it, but I was tired, mentally. I thought there was a tiny crack in it, from which I could peak in. But, honestly, I was afraid. I have a picture I drew, of an angel. It's a simplistic yellow figure against a dark blue background.I thought if I just had a guardian angel, someone to protect me when I went in. Does that sound funny? It's exactly how scared I felt of this memory. I had held myself back from remembering it, because it was simply too terrible. Somehow, in my mind, the angel manifested. It is somewhat humbling and disturbing to feel that you are in the presence of God. I begged him for courage and strength, and he sent this angel, this Avatar of himself. No physical form, just a great sense love and comfort, light, and truth. I brought with me this angel, toward the darkened old memory. And finally, I saw. And with it, I saw the hate, and fear, and anger that came with it. I broke. I cried my eyes out. I was racking sobs for, jeez, half an hour, an hour. I knew why I was afraid to be alone. I knew why I was still angry with my mother. I knew why all the loss of people cut so deep through my transition. I knew why I was afraid of transition. Knowing those things brought forth a string of questions. Why was I left alone as a child, to be molested? Why wasn't I protected? I remembered and old saying, 'God protects fools and children'. I asked the angel how God could allow this to happen. The angel, just like God, didn't answer. I was angry STILL at my mother for that. I was angry at God for letting it happen. I was So young, to be taught that I can't trust ANYONE to be there for me. I lived the rest of my life scared to be alone. I had worked SO hard to keep everyone's favor. Then, when I told everyone about me, they started leaving me ... again. I felt alone... totally vulnerable, emotionally AND physically, when I needed comfort the most. I was losing muscle from the HRT, and I felt afraid more than ever... the fear of being raped or beaten. I have lived in constant fear. My whole life? I think so. For the first time, I guess I felt the pain from the memory. Again I thought how terrible it was that ANYONE could do that to a child. I told NB that. Then My mind kept saying, not a child, Lynn... you. How could anyone do that to YOU. How could any mother or God let this happen to an innocent child, to YOU? Where had they been?
As it has been many times through this process, I have another piece of the puzzle, another truth I begged for, only to regret it once I knew. Once known, they can't be hidden away again, and I'm left now with the consequences of dealing with the feelings created by that memory. I wanted it, I got it. It was terrible, but not more than I could handle. I can't see how the experience could make me a better person. I can't see what the point was of God letting this happen to me. I don't know if I have forgiven my mom for this. I am trying.
In a few days, I will have reached the one-year mark of my diary. It's been a tough year. It's been a good year. I have grown. (smile)
05-Jul-00
The following paragraph again speaks
about anatomical stuff you may not want to know. You have been forewarned!
(laugh)
Well, there is enough breast growth to now say I have SOMETHING. They are dinky, but they exist. The tissue that makes the nipples is constantly either swollen, puffy, and sensitive, or they’re erect. There is no longer any substantial liquid discharged from them when they’re squeezed. I know, you WANTED to know that, right? Also, I have noticed, if I get aroused to the point of my penis getting erect, it hurts. It kind of feels like a balloon resisting being inflated for the fist time. Also, the tip of the penis is becoming more (yes, more) sensitive, and the skin is becoming more delicate.
All of my skin appears to be softening, like I notice my feet get hot spots just from walking around the block. The skin on the inside of my arms, on my legs, my belly, almost everywhere, is taking on a silky feel. It’s… rather erotic! (laugh) I wake up and feel my body is SO much closer to what it should be. The validation from that feedback is a great motivator. I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing until I commit to it, and find out if it’s comfortable. It is. It’s nice being able to drop all the male bullshit acting, and be who I am, and now, feeling that my body is changing.
I have no control over my brain’s anatomy. I can’t change the way my brain works, but I CAN change my body to reasonably match my mind. I think, to some degree, it will always hurt knowing I’m not a ‘real’ girl. I’m… well, I’m always going to be trans. I had a terrible secret once. The secret was, that I wished with all my heart I was a girl. Am I going to get that wish fulfilled, just to find myself with a new terrible secret, that I was once a boy? (laugh) In some ways, there’s no winning.
I understand how afraid I am of the future. All the armor is gone. I am running on raw courage, and some days, my supply is critically low. Today, I feel fine.
I spent the evening yesterday (the 4th of July) with RK, CB, and NB. We had grilled steak, corn on the cob, potato salad, and sautéed mushrooms and onions. Then for dessert, we had cheesecake, and ice cream, and strawberries and blackberries... Mmmmmmm. My most sincere thanks to RK and CB for having us over. (HUG)
I’m trying to write a letter to everyone in the building for the day when I finally come out. It’s a tough writing assignment. How do you admit transsexuality to everyone you work with? That’s part of it, you know? It feels like an admission of guilt, not a revelation of truth. They will either chose to accept that my decision was tough and well thought out, or they’ll consider me to be a full bubble off plumb.
I’m again hitting that feeling of no energy from estrogen. I feel like I could sleep constantly. (sigh) So… tired…
06-Jul-00
I got an ‘Atta boy’ today at work.
Jesus, I wish these people would make up their mind. Either I’m in trouble,
or I’m being praised. (sigh) I’m confused. It sucks.
I’m tired. It has GOT to be the increase in estro my doctor put me on. I feel like sleeping constantly again. NO energy. I’m not depressed, actually, I feel pretty good as far as mental outlook. I just don’t have enough energy to wake up.
I think I mentioned I planned on rejoining my Role Playing Game group. I have a strange feeling about it. I like the guys and all, but it’s going to be weird getting into the group, and almost like they’ll be meeting me for the first time. They all know about me being TS. I wonder how they’ll accept it? They’re a pretty good group of guys. I assume it will be okay. AND I assume I’ll not constantly be a big emotional mess. (smile) The character I’m bringing into the game is female. This is the first female character I’ve tried to play. I feel weird about it all.
My body feels much more like it’s MINE now. I wake up in the morning, and all the sensations are just a tad different. There’s no tension in my back, shoulders, and neck constantly. My skin feels like I’m covered in silk. My fingertips are more sensitive, as is my sense of smell. It feels REALLY good, to finally feel like I’m in the right shell. Well, honestly, it’s more like that my shell is CLOSER to what it should be, but every little bit I move in that direction, I feel the decrease in anxiety from the dysphoria. It’s really funny, when you live with something so long, you really have no gauge of how much it bothers you until it’s taken away, even a little bit. I had NO idea how much this constantly grated at me.
I notice that I use this diary frequently to vent my frustration. When things are going WELL, I tend not to write. I need to change that. I don’t want the reader to have a skewed perspective of my life.
So, everything’s going okay, for the moment. Some minor problems (like a slow leak in my right front tire of my car), but they’re all minor. Funny that I spend these times between chaos just trying to imagine what the next bad thing will be. I need to learn to just stop and enjoy a peaceful moment occasionally.
The emotions released Saturday… Or, maybe more accurately, the knowledge of why my feelings ARE the way they are, I’m still processing it, I guess. I see very clearly how strong my feelings of abandonment and fear of abuse are. Now, it’s a battle of my logical mind against my reactive mind. I’m not an infant any more. I can take care of myself. I can defend myself. I haven’t had someone want to pick a fight with me in years. My fears are not founded (necessarily) in reality. Although I need to take precautions for personal safety, I shouldn’t let that rule my life. And as for abandonment… that’s past tense. No one else is going to leave me. If anything, some may return. I survived the exodus of loved ones. I have mostly put the pain of that experience into the ‘forgiven’ bin.
I still wonder how God could have let such a horrible thing happen to me as a child. Then I think, HE didn’t do it, a person did it. We all have free will. Does that mean God has no control over what one human does to another?
It’s funny I guess, I’ve accepted that I am TS, and at least have the feeling that I’m no longer fighting my design. I’m no longer going against God’s will. Paraphrasing Jesus… I don’t want to do this, but your will be done, not mine. Am I getting religious again? I guess I am, but I’m not turning into the bull-crap laden pseudo-Christian I see so much of. I refuse to judge anyone, and I refuse to believe anyone seeking God in any guise is hell-bound. Let me firmly state that from now on I will no longer say Christian when I mean pseudo-Christian (someone who professes to be Christian, but who feels a need to judge and condemn others, etc)
Okay, ready for this? I have been getting phone calls and e-mail from a prospective employer. This fellow heard my home phone message, and assumes my name is ‘Lynn’. My ‘other’ e-mail account is the account he had to send messages to. So… I got a message yesterday AND today which said ‘Hello Lynn’ to my non-Lynn account. Just weird. When I first saw it, since I didn’t recognize the name of who it was from, I thought it was someone putting some information together and figuring out who my ‘alter-ego’ was. So… I finally wrote this guy back to explain my situation. I told him I’m in the midst of gender transition. So, let’s see if he writes back! (LOL) On some very rare occasions, it’s REALLY fun to see the reactions people give to all this. Seeing someone’s face as their gears are spinning but they can’t quite figure out what’s going on. (LOL) It’s one of the sick perverse joys of transition. (smile)
Later... Here's a shock. That guy I just mentioned... here's his response:
Hey there..
Thanks for the E mail. I appreciate
your honesty. First and
foremost, I would never judge anyone by
who they are or what they do. That
is your life and I am not the one to be
judging people. I am gay and have
been judged all my life as well. So I
know where you are coming from. The
thing is, it all depends on our clients.
We have a consulting side and a
permanent side as well. It all depends
on what types of positions you are
qualified for. We will have to take it
one step at a time. My job here is to
find you a position that fits your skill
sets. Beyond that, everything else
is trivial. Let me know your thoughts.
Thanks.
Sincerely,
XXXXXXXXX
Wow. I almost burst into tears after reading that. The world ISN'T all full of hateful bigotted people. (smile)
09-Jul-00
Let me start out with a question from
a friend of mine via e-mail, and my response.
Am I reading the meaning of this correctly, that you have held others responsible for what you perceive as the problems with your life? If that is true, then I would ask you to consider another viewpoint. Can one reasonably hold others (or fate itself) responsible for the fortunes and circumstances of our lives? I have always tried to consider myself solely responsible for the state of my being.
Oh, yes I LOGICALLY understand all that and subscribe to that belief, but as with so many other things I've found in this transition, my logical mind and my emotional mind speak differenent languages. Working through the anger, frustration, pain, and self-loathing has left me with a keen understanding that, while my logical mind says HOW I got here doesn't matter, just deal with the fact that you ARE here, my emotional mind is out for blood. Who the FUCK built a shitty melodrama like this for me to live in? No, not at ALL logical. And sometimes I can change the coarse of the emotional mind with the logical mind and vice versa. Yes, I have feelings of unforgiven wrongdoings to me by my mother, by God (or the fates, however you want to name it), by my father, by many people. I am working those issues still. Finding ways to forgive, and releasing the (self-imposed) burden of all that emotional baggage.
Imagine yourself being where I am. I feel like I've got a strong grip on reality. My mind is sharp, sometimes frighteningly so. All this, and I can't shake this feeling... like a knowledge of myself. I look in the mirror, and I see what everyone else sees. But, it's wrong. How do I know it's wrong? Well, I just DO. Like in the Matrix... 'like a splinter in the back of your mind'. What is it I know? I'm not a male. I hear males talk, and I hear females talk, and I understand both of them. Men usually DON'T understand women, and women don't understand men. I think I understand men because I was accepted into their midst, allowed past their armor for brief glimses into their souls. Now... I know I speak female. I walk into a group of females and they shut me out. Like it's a club whose membership is what's between your legs... but I speak like them... I AM one of them. They won't let me in. It hurts, because they see the same lie everyone else sees. That I'm a boy.
Now, when I figured out what was going on, I simply ignored it. I was running on logical thinking, and this understanding was NOT logical. I didn't want to consider the implications. I crushed all my emotions down, but doing that created this slow seathing anger that leaked out. I was like an animal caught in a trap, snapping at anything that got near.
I would have continued like that my whole life, except the frustration and anger kept getting worse, and the final kicker was this... Since puberty, my dreams and fantasies of sex have been about 85% of the time with me as female (usually with males). The rest with me as male with females. SOMETHIMES I found women attractive, but mostly, I felt nothing, because I might have found men attractive, but I shut that shit down before it had a chance to reach conscious thought. The problem? That percentage, kept getting more severe. Over the last four years, I had ONE sexually oriented dream where I was male. ONE! EVERY other sexual dream or fantasy has been with me as female. And STILL I would have stayed where I was, but it finally bled from dreams into reality. I didn't enjoy sex, but continued because pleasuring Beep at least made me feel good in that I was giving HER pleasure. Even that was eventually deprived me. I eventually couldn't even stand the notion of having sex as a male. It now rather repulses me.
All the while, through all this, I wondered what had caused all this. I had been raised Christian. I followed faithfully, until the Gender crap really hit hard. Why would God allow this to happen to me? What did I do to deserve it? Had I sinned? Or was it weird or bad biology? Or some birth defect caused from my mother's drinking? Who was to blame? See how the sick game got started? Things happen due to actions. SOMEONE or something DID something to cause this. I could not find anything I did to feed this. I did everything I could to suppress it, purge it, rid myself of it. If it wasn't me, then WHO? And so it went. For years. Now, knowing full well I'm responsible for my own fate, I still harbor feelings from years of looking for whose responsible for this mess.
BOTH of my brothers said 'You're angry'. No shit! Wouldn't YOU be? There are little oopsies and BIG oopsies, and getting the wrong body for your mental gender is a BIG FUCKING oopsie. It's a mistake on cosmic satire scale. How fucking cruel of a birth defect can you get? It's externally invisible. It treads on the sacred ground of sexual anatomy and breaks the obvious biological rule that there are TWO sexes, boy and girl.
Yeah, I'm still angry. It still hurts having to justify these acts which seem so bizzaar to my friends and family. Can you understand the frustration? Can you understand the lure of searching out a culprit?
Next... another email, from a friend
(I hope) ...
Lynn, you called today, attempting to
arrange a meeting with NB and LB to discuss the top surgery.
I am reluctant to set up such a meeting. The last time we all met, I regretted LB's decision to let you two see his chest. You used the word "ugly" in that regard (along with other disparaging remarks) and although you were probably attempting humor, many of your comments that evening seemed harsh, mean-spirited, hurtful.
Personally, I don't feel that LB needs anything else in his life to feel self-conscious about. I don't think he needs to aggravate his hatred of his body or appearance any more than you do. You, of all people, should understand the base level of self-consiousness and self-doubt.
On a personal note, I find LB's chest to be strong and attractive. I try to let him know that. I am honest with him about what parts of it are NOT parts of a male chest, and try to help him come up with ways to remedy those parts. Before the surgery, I wasn't allowed to touch, or sometimes even SEE his chest. After the surgery, he began to feel a bit better about his appearance and body shape. We were both finally beginning to enjoy his body. I feel that your visit may have measurably set that process back.
You haven't yet had a surgery, but when you do, I hope that the first person who sees the results is supportive and positive, rather than leaving you to feel that you are ugly or abnormal.
Well. I understand what a stupid callous fool I was that day, and my own words come back to haunt me. I only hope that T and LB can find it in their heart to forgive me for what I did. I wasn't meaining any harm, and didn't even realize how harshly my words could have been taken until later. LB is a very kind and sensative man, and I have lived my life in a mostly bitter unfeeling state where my sarcasm and caustic humor were just a reflection of the irony of my percieved place in life. I STILL spit that vitriolic humor occasionally. Not with mean spirited intent. This time I did exactly the wrong thing, and I fear I may have damaged a friendship beyond repair. LB has only ever had kind words for me, and I couldn't feel more like a total fool if I tried.
10-Jul-00
I woke up this morning and again my
friends LB and T popped into my head. I hope they can find it in their
hearts to forgive me. I was a totally insensitive clod, and I SHOULD have
known better. Damn. I need to learn and move on. I can’t dwell on this
mistake. Ouch. It’s bad enough when I feel others are being unkind. I did
it and didn’t ever realize. Bulls in china shops, I swear, that’s how I
feel. I really hope that they can forgive my stupidity.
(sigh) Nothing like starting the morning with a little self-flagulation. Whip it! Whip it good! (does that make you want to put a flower pot on your head and ride a scooter?)
TR is staying with me for a short while, until he gets a place. He started a new job today. Hurray! I wish him all luck. Our mutual friend MC has been out of contact for … weeks? I don’t know what to make of her. When I got a hold of her some time back, she seemed so sincere about beginning a real deep friendship, helping each other through our troubles… Now, I guess she found someone new, and TR and I are just not that interesting any more. Who knows?
Aoi met TR for the first time yesterday. TR and I were in one of our hot debates, and Aoi was afraid that we were mad at each other. Well, I feel I can say whatever I need to to TR, without fearing what he’ll think. If he says something I think is stupid, I tell him. He does about the same with me. I think that works out fine for both of us. I’d like to think it does anyway.
It was REALLY nice seeing Aoi yesterday. It’s been so long, and I’ve missed her. She’s still down though. I still have no idea how to bring her out of her depression. I hope when she starts to work, that will cure some of her problems. Money = own place = more control of her own life = happiness (hopefully).
There’s this time in every afternoon when I run out of energy. There’s nothing I can do to keep concentration and there’s never anything I can find for a good escape. Nothing on Foxnews, nothing in my email. (sigh) I’m there right now. Yeah, I KNOW I should be producing some useful code for a script, but my brain is fried. I’m tired, and I don’t want to stare at a Cathode Ray Tube any more.
I’ve got 5 hours scheduled with RK this evening. More electro. My cheeks are now to the point where they look very sparse. The hair returns, but they are so few and far between that it doesn’t leave beard shadow. Now, if I can just get to that point on my upper lip, and chin. My neck has STILL not ever been done, nor my lower lip. I expect the latter is what’s going to get cleared this evening. Joy. (sigh)
My body hair is thinning slowly. The hair at my hairline, there are like thousands of fine hairs there now. It’s really kind of cool.
Finally got my glossary on-line. Now, all my old Diary files have the alphabet soup crap connected to the glossary, so HRT and spiro, etc. can be interpreted. I need to get back to work on the StLGF pages. They need to get done before the next season.
Technology note. I hate cell phones, pagers beepers and the like. Get the F**K off the phone! What’s so important you have to talk to someone while standing in a hardware store (in front of ME) talking loudly to your (non-corporial) friend? Couldn’t it wait? Yeesh. And still, wanna know something funny? If I go over 24 hours without e-mail, I get really weirded out. I start to feel disconnected from reality. Or, as I’ve said before, what passes as reality in a pinch.
My first draft of my 'outing letter'
to my coworkers...
Hi everyone,
I have something to tell you all. Let me cut right to the chase. More than a year ago I faced a serious life crisis and came to understand that I was never going to be happy living as you all have known me. What change did I feel I had to make? I have what mental healthcare professionals call Gender Dysphoria. I am unhappy living as a male. That makes me what is commonly known as a transsexual. I am in the process of changing genders. Much of that change has been going on right in front of your eyes already, including hormone replacement therapy and electrolysis for about a year now. Today starts a significant development in this transition. Today, I begin what the Harry Benjamin Standards of Care call the Real Life Test. That is, I begin living full time in the role of a female.
I know this may well come to a shock to many of you, and some of you may feel that I’m not quite sane, or that I’m some sort of sexual deviant. I am willing to explain all the details of transsexuality or point you to resources on the subject to educate you if you wish.
To those of you who have supported me to date, I want to thank you. To those of you who will accept and support me, I thank you in advance. It’s a hard change. To those who do not understand, but wish to, feel free to ask anything you wish. It’s a strange place to be, wanting to know, but feeling too embarrassed to ask. Please don’t hesitate. As with so many other things, ignorance is the only thing to fear. To those who have already decided that what I’m doing is wrong, I can only say this: You are not my judge. You are not me. Only I will ever know if this is the right decision, and only I have to live with the consequences. I’m not going to live my whole life ashamed of who and what I am. I hope you can accept that.
I am changing my legal name to LynnClaire B, and ask that from the point of my return on, please use my new name and pronouns proper to the female gender.
After twelve to eighteen months of real life test, I will be evaluated for Sex Reassignment Surgery. While this may seem like the ‘big step’ in all this, in truth, it’s just the ‘icing on the cake’. By that time, all the tough stuff will already be over. The Real Life Test is the tough part. That starts now. Please understand that my ease of transition can be influenced by all of you. This is not a joke, and I’m taking this step only after much thought.
While I enter this phase of my life with some trepidation, I must truthfully say that I’m very excited and thrilled at the idea that I may finally feel comfortable and at peace with who I am. I hope you will all share this life experience with me. Thanks.
Sincerely,
Lynn Claire B (Formally LWB)
11-Jul-00
Okay, I just reread the above letter.
No, I'm NOT starting the Real Life Test right now. I'm writing this letter
in preparation for when I DO start. Just thought ya might like to know.
(smile)
That's about the only thing I can think of at the moment.
I came home early from work today. I must not have gotten any real sleep last night, because I was dead tired this morning. I couldn't focus. I recognise the feeling. It's when I've gone several days with sleep apnia affecting me. I feel like my brain is glitching. Sleep deprivation, ah... gotta love it.
12-Jul-00
Good day. TR has been staying at my
place, and yesterday evening, he kindly took me and NB to dinner, and later
that day did all my dirty dishes. Thank you TR. (HUG)
I came home early from work yesterday, due to mental exhaustion. My sleep apnia seems to be in full swing, and I feel brain-dead. I can’t stay focussed on ANYTHING. I’d lose interest on a music video! (laugh)
The character I’m making for the role playing game I’m trying to rejoin is someone running from their past. Someone who hated their body before, and is now in a nearly perfect form, and now somewhat suffering from narcissism. I’ve played characters with issues reflecting possible paths of my life. I just amplify the issues to a degree. I start back at the game on Saturday (3 days from now). Funny, I know these people, and when I get there, I feel like I’ll be meeting them for the first time. I sort of am. I’m changing the nature of the relationship. My friend, who runs the game, PA has been great about accepting me through my changes. I KNOW there isn’t much visual change just yet, but to me, the mental change is massive. We’ll see how it goes. (nervous, nervous, nervous)
Every now and then, when I out myself to someone, I’m really shocked how well they take it. I guess I always tried to please everyone, and now, I just can’t anymore. That kind of hurts, but a little pain and discomfort that way is nothing compared to the lifetime of frustration, anger, and pain of living in the ‘wrong’ body. It’s good to know that not everyone is hostile. I guess I’m so used to it, I can’t help but assume the worst.
Tomorrow marks the one-year anniversary of my diary. Wow, a lot has happened to me in the last year. I wonder what I’ll look like a year from now? Before I started this a year ago, I had only pressed my gender issues for maybe a couple days at a time. Then, I guess I pressed hard enough to finally break through my own defenses. The problem, like I’ve said many times in the past year, once you know something, you can never go back to unknowing. And for me, once something was known, I had to make the best decisions I could based on that knowledge. Those were some very tough decisions. I love Beep, and am still trying to get over that loss. She’s still in my life, but not nearly as much as she was. Right now, if I had to guess, I think things are about balanced out, what I lost and what I gained. In the year to come, I hope this decision to transition will yield more positive fruit. And honestly, I can’t see too much else that could be lost. So… I’m really looking forward to the future. (smile)
I’m sometimes surprised at my own feminine reactions to different things. Without thinking about it, I end up acting pretty girly. Unfortunately old habits die hard, and I often slide back into boy mode very easily, especially around strangers. Fear. Have to work at getting past that.
NB and I are getting along fabulously. We haven’t had our first conflict yet. So… we’ll see how it all weathers after that. I expect it will be fine. We both seem to be mellow types… well, NOW I’m mellow. (laugh).
TB, I hope to hear back again from you soon. You may not be happy with my decisions, but at least talking about this with you may allow you to finally understand and accept that this is something I need to do. I hope that, in time, you will come to understand and accept it. Our friendship will never be the same, but it will just get better, if you allow it. If I ever told you a lie, it was a lie of omission. I was too afraid of losing you as a friend to tell you, or anyone else. I hope you can understand my fear. I’m sorry for having been such a coward.
Have you ever seen your own reflection and not known who it is? It’s happened to me a lot in the last month or so. My stride, gestures, and appearance are changing so rapidly that I don’t always recognize myself any more. Talk about identity crisis! (laugh) I find myself seeing this masculine looking lady of plain appearance. Rather stalky, but pleasant expression on her face. Nice hair, kind of masculine clothing. Hah. That’s who I’ve seen, when I see myself. I almost never see a male when I look in the mirror now, just a plain female. Someone who needs a LOT of work. (smile) Hey, it’s a beginning, okay?
My brain is still fried. (sigh) No concentration. I need to do something about that. I’ve written like 5 lines of code today for a Unix script, which on SOME days would be a fair amount, but today, I should be getting a lot more done. (sigh)
You know… I SWEAR I had some peanut M&M’s here just a minute ago. Maybe they ‘evaporated’ (ie, I ate them all and forgot I had) (laugh) Chocolate has a high ‘evaporation’ rate. (laugh)
You know, before HRT, my neck was 16 inches. I don’t know what it is now, but I can wear a medium polo shirt and button the collar. I couldn’t even button the collar on a large shirt three months ago. Weird. I’m…shrinking! (laugh) I also have weak arms now. And I get tired walking up a flight of stairs.
There was virtually no swelling and only minor redness from my upper lip being cleared the other day (Monday). My cheeks are reasonably clear, and when I shave, they don’t have any graying to the skin, they’re so sparse now. They’ve had … five passes I think so far, and I’m SURE there will be more to come. I hope RK keeps up on the upper lip though. Electro there hurts more than anywhere else I’ve had it done so far. Ick. Ouch Damn, it was so bad, I had seriously stopped to consider just quitting it. Not just for the evening, but permanently. I felt like such a wimp about it.
Hey, my company was going to throw away an old 486dx computer today, so I snagged it and hope to use it (or at least PARTS of it) for a box to get Linux up and running on. I am SUCH the geekette. (pushes up glasses, snorts a laugh)
TR said last night that he understood I had thought through every aspect of the transition before I began it. He’s rather amazed (I think) that I continued, knowing what it was going to be like. I can only say, for a while I was only being propelled by a faith that after things settled down, they’d be better. Not perfect, but just better. It sure scared the hell out of me to tear up my life like I did. I understand now we are all guaranteed NOTHING, and everything we have above that is a gift. I have a lot of gifts now, and I am very much aware of the value of all of them.
13-Jul-00
Hurray! I made it through another year!
And this one was significant! 365 days ago, where was I? I was miserable.
And now? Well, I’m better, but there is room for improvement.
I look forward to the year ahead of me with eager anticipation and some anxiety. There’s still so much to be done. So much to learn. So much burden to shed to be free.
I had a long debate with TR last night concerning my brother DW. I wish he’d call me, tell me he loves me and accept what I’m doing. I know my decision isn’t easy for anyone to accept, but to find disfavor in him of all people… it was just the kind of pain I didn’t need.
Have I grown in the last year? I guess I have. I have certainly faced a lot of my fears. Some of those fears have come to pass. My life was shredded, but what is building in it’s place, I hope will be better. My life could only get to a certain level, regardless of my surroundings, because I didn’t like ME. That needed fixed. I’m working the issue even as I type.
Let me firmly state that I feel cruddy emotionally today. I think this may be part of my ‘cycle’. So, let’s mark it as a possible and watch for it. I’m down and have no particular reason for it.
I had a dream last night, that I recalled when I woke up (at about 4:30), but I didn’t write it down, and by the time I had gotten up again, it was too fragmented to interpret. (sigh) I feel like it was relevant too. So, maybe my brain will speak more loudly next time. (smile)
Still tired… Go figure.
I mentioned in a post today that Monday evening during electro, I had the most clear notion that it was really sick subjecting myself to that much pain intentionally. Going through all that really clerifies the my understanding of how much I need to transition. Is it worth hours and hours of horrible pain? Yes, it is… or more accurately, it WILL be. I hate electro, and I have a GOOD electrologist. There’s just no easy way around this for M-t-Fs. I’m sorry if you are reading this and haven’t yet started electro, but I really can’t sugarcoat this. It’s just something we need to accept as part of the transition.
Not that anyone OTHER than me cares, but the movie ‘X-Men’ opens tomorrow. I’ve been waiting for 16 years for it. I have my doubts, considering Marvel’s ability to bring comics to the screen in the past. I actually think the only success to date has been ‘Blade’ a few years back. We’ll see.
The basis of the X-Men has always been the persecution of the minority, and the hatred focused against people who are different. Sound familiar? (smile)
Ghh. I feel crappy!! I’m so totally tired and burned out. (sigh) I want to roll into a ball and sleep forever. My Unix script isn’t working. Dang it! It’s getting on my nerves. My grep statement is returning… ahh, you don’t care. (sigh)
Another coworker said today that my life was ‘exciting’. I just wanted to be normal. Well, Maybe not ‘normal’ as in average, but I sure wouldn’t have picked this as my course in life. Would you? Knowing what I know, how painful this is… no, I would not have volunteered for this. I guess I fought it so long because I’d read enough to KNOW how bad it was going to be. Actually, in some ways, it’s been worse. That’s really a tough place to be. Looking at your future, and knowing it’s a lot of hardship ahead. Not knowing if you’re strong enough to take it. Frightening.
14-Jul-00
3:30pm, and my emotions just took a
dive. (sigh) I WAS doing pretty good. I wonder if it was something that
I ate?
Sometimes I wonder what I’m doing. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever actually pull this shit off.
I understand something now. I have a weakness for the ego boost of anyone who sees me as female. I think I’m looking for validation of my femininity. I wish others were attracted to me as a girl. I think guys who won’t keep eye contact while talking to women are crude, especially when their eyes keep darting to the lady’s breasts… but I think I’d get a thrill of appreciation if guy darted his eyes to MY chest while I conversed with him. Is that weird?
I’m frustrated nearly to the point of tears with the script I’m working on at work. (sigh) I used to get angry about that kind of stuff. Now, I want to cry when I get overwhelmed. I’m becoming a girl I guess.
I spoke briefly to TM today, outside a movie theater. He was with two other guys I’d worked with. He seemed very uncomfortable and left quickly, but at least wasn’t rude or insulting (other than his abrupt departure). I guess he’s having more issues with what I’m doing than I am. I don’t think it’s my place to try to sway him in his opinion. He’ll deal with it in his own way, and in his own time. It’s funny… when I was talking to him, I didn’t feel guilty.
Tomorrow… I game again… I think it’ll feel good.
I saw ‘X-Men’ today. It was pretty good.
16-Jul-00
Well... um... I had a weird day yesterday.
More accurately, this morning. I went to my role playing game, and fell
right back neatly into the groove I'd been away from for a little over
a year. It felt really nice to be back in such familiar social surroundings.
I lift from the game LATE, 3 AM, and had two cups of coffee in me to keep me awake for the 45 minute drive home. Ugg. So, I get home, and the light in the hall is on, and TR is speaking softly to someone in the living room, in the dark. No problem. Then I walk into the dark bedroom, and I just barely see NB, and hear him talking to someone. I ask who it is, and he says it's my ex, Beep, and points to the other side of the bed. I had taken a turn into the Twilight Zone. It turns out that Beep and Joanna came over after leaving a bar in the Central West End. Joanna wasn't feeling well, and ended up lying down in the living room with TR. Beep ended up sleeping on the bed in my bedroom. It was... just really weird. I climbed into bed between the two of them and couldn't sleep from a combination of coffee, and trying to sleep between my ex-wife and boyfriend. Umm, that's just WEIRD, okay? But I finally ended up fading off.
Anyway, thought you'd all want to know THAT one. (laugh)
That's about all for now. I'm tired and going to bed. Good night!
25-Jul-00
Hey, I’m wearing a bra! (snicker) I’ve
had it on all day (including work). It’s just a sports bra, but it seems
to hold my tiny little pointy 12-year-old-girl boobies down, so I don’t
look so ridiculous, and well, I guess I should start getting used to wearing
one SOME time. I’ll need one some day… I hope. (laugh) I was rather… depressed
at the sight in the mirror of having a ‘male’ chest. I’m really excited
about the growth of my chest, and really wish it would happen faster. Now,
I’m hiding it at work, because I’m not a ‘girl’ at work. It’s weird trying
to toggle between being a boy and being a girl, while my femme side seems
the more natural state by a fair measure.
TR is in his new apartment. I need to get some books over to him so he doesn’t die of boredom.
NB is moving in totally next weekend. Heh, lots of stuff going on. I’ll get to try once again to come up with a useful method of arranging the living room. Where-o-where is Interior Decorator Man when you need him?!?
Ugg. I STILL have no energy. (sigh) I am starting to wonder if everyone going through transition feels this lethargic. It sure doesn’t seem so.
26-Jul-00
Heh. Well, what’s been up with me in
the last couple days? I have now had TWO of those odd occasions where I
faded off to sleep wishing NB were there with me. He came over at about
midnight last night, dispite both of us really needing the rest, we ended
up cuddling and talking for about 2 hours. (blush)
I worked a fairly long time last night on a new picture for a character I’m playing in my RPG. I’ll post it when I’m finished.
My sis just joined the Antijen Family e-mail list. Hope she’s okay with the traffic volume from that. (smile) I guess her recent string of odd physical ailments has got me worried. (HUGS sis) Hope everything turns out okay dear. You worry me, ya know?
My friend RK mentioned buying a motorcycle. A few days later, I had a dream that she wrecked and had a leg torn off. That dream kind of shocked me, and I don’t know if I should take it as an interpretive dream, or just something I was really concerned about. It was a very disturbing dream, either way.
I’m wondering how I’m doing with TR as a friend, whether I’m doing what I should… whether he’s leaning on me because I let him, or if he’s genuinely in such need. Are our lives sometimes disastrous because we make them that way to attract others to our aid? Is it just fear of failure that causes us to fail? Heh… Don’t think on that one too hard! (laugh)
Fear of addiction, desertion, violence and bigotry. Well… regardless of the time I’ve spent at this, it seems my progress is really just relative, a tiny step forward in the sum of growth to wisdom.
I met a really nice young woman tending bar at a local establishment. KC is moving to San Fran soon. She’s moving there with her girlfriend and another girl. I met her, because I went to lunch where she works, and noticed her in the bar. I couldn’t figure if she was a 17ish year old male, or a female. She has a thin wiry build, wore baggy jeans (kind of SKA style) and had really short black hair (like buzz cut). Even her voice was indeterminate. The second time I noticed her there, I said hi, and ended up talking to her for a while. She’s a very masculine lesbian. She reminds me of one of Beep’s nephews. I was instantly taken with her enthusiastic and excited personality. Hi KC! Hope you read this some day.
27-Jul-00
Well… The theory is I’ll meet MM after
work today, but somehow, I’m not holding my breath here. (sigh) She’s pretty
busy these days. I suppose I ought to be more busy myself.
I don’t have the energy to do anything it seems. Poor me, oh, woe is me! (laugh) My apartment is a mess, and with Nick moving in full fledged this weekend… I have GOT to get the place in SOME kind of order.
I wonder, when Nick moves in, if I’ll have more energy and motivation toward keeping a tidy little home? I was thinking about it last night, and wondering if I was going to turn into a little domestic wifey. You know, vacuuming while wearing high heels and pearls. (laugh) It DOES have some appeal to it, but I think I’d rather be doing illustration work personally.
I find my sexual attractions making another weird shift. I’m still attracted to females. I was thinking… maybe kind of hoping that my sexuality would settle down. It’s just hard seeing everyone as a potential sexual partner. Well, that’s not true, I have to be interested in them as people, then I get sexually attracted. Maybe ‘sexually’ attracted isn’t quite right. I want to touch them. Feel their flesh, caress their body, and sometimes pleasure them sexually. Still, I am utterly happy and content with the sexual exploration with NB. He and I are doing fine as a couple, I think. We lay and pet each other for hours, literally. It feels SO natural to me. Finally, sex is starting to make sense… I think. (laugh)
Day… 3 wearing a sports bra. It’s working fine, it’s fairly comfortable, and I feel less… exposed wearing it. I was starting to feel very self-conscious with my little chest-bumps I’d like to call boobs. (laugh)
While my feelings of insecurity aren’t very strong now, I still feel lonely most of the time when I’m not with someone. I need to get over that. I’m not getting anything much done at home because of it. I spend all my non-working hours trying desperately to contact another living being. I wish I knew why I felt so UTTERLY alone when I am alone. It doesn’t make sense. Are these the echoes of abandonment issues from a childhood where things weren’t always stable? Over analyze, over analyze! (laugh)
This entire transition is about fighting fear it seems. Fighting one fear after another, some more rational than others. There’s still more work to do. (sigh) More fear to face.
28-Jul-00
Haven’t been writing as much in my
diary lately. I had what I can imagine as my last dying effort at a panic
attack yesterday. I started thinking I should just go get a short hair
cut, drop HRT, etc. and for some reason, it all seemed so ludicrous, trying
to imagine playing ‘boy’ again. (laugh) I know that this dysphoria has
kept me perpetually unhappy for quite some time now. I am tired of that,
and I’m willing to take the abuse the world is going to hurl at me for
being who I am. No more hiding, no more masks. Just me.
I was also surprised last night because I had an incident in traffic which totally enraged me. I didn’t realize I could still GET that angry. On a scale of 1 to 10, I was probably at about 7 last night. Funny though, that’s not terribly higher than my baseline used to be. I was probably at a constant 4 or 5 (at least) before starting anti-depressants.
I’ve noticed my breasts ARE getting larger, but they’re forming farther apart than genetic girls’.
Damn… I was outed by a friend at work. I’ve been talking to KT for a while about my transition, and I went to lunch with a coworker today and found out KT had told her weeks ago. Shit. I’d worked with this lady some years back when I was active duty Air Force. She came in after the initial gossip wave about my transsexuality died off at work. KT assumes everyone knows, and everyone is talking about it. That’s not the case. She told this lady, I’m guessing to at least give correct information, but I’ve repeatedly told her to send people she hears talking about it TO ME. She said ‘Fine, I won’t stick up for you any more…’. She wasn’t sticking up for me, she was gossiping about me, and she’s supposed to be my friend. That really hurts. She repeatedly says I have the most interesting life. I think I sort of fascinate her, but it feels to me like the fascination scientists have for bugs. She doesn’t understand how it feels to be the object of intense scrutiny. It sucks. She said ’Well, you’re fooling yourself if you think people aren’t talking about you’. Damn, I don’t CARE if I never hear about it. What I care about is when people out me, especially people who are supposed to be my friend. No one cares how I feel, it seems.
Facing fear again… (sigh). Damn.
In the wake of that minor defeat, I feel totally like a failure, like I was fooling myself to ever think I would be accepted by anyone. I'm sitting here on the verge of tears thinking about the whole issue. I’m fascinating… in the same way the parade of weirdos on ‘Jerry Springer’ is fascinating.
I just have the strong desire to pick
up everything I own, and leave again. Why stay? What do I hope to salvage?
And again… the image of a bullet in the brain. The quiet but still present
voice saying ‘Check out Lynn, it never gets any better. Stop fooling yourself’.
Damn…damn …
Ah… well… I’m better now. Must have been a hormone surge (smile) Yeah, I know, I bitch a lot.
This diary is sometimes my way of reaching into the darkness, where I can’t see anyone… and trying to find human contact. I’ve felt pretty damn ostracized lately. It’s no fun being kicked out of humanity. Pretty much everyone has something in common with about half the population of the world. Either you’re male, or you’re female. I’m not either. Finding those others like that… that’s hard, because like me, they’re hiding for the most part, afraid how the world will treat them. That’s me. Afraid of how the world will treat me. I have hurt, and been hurt by friends, even with good intentions. Now, KNOWING I can hurt my friends without meaning to, imagine how much worse the pain is when someone intentionally TRIES to harm you.
NB is moving his stuff in even as I type. All the BIG stuff gets moved this weekend. Joy. Strain, groan, pop, crunch, snap, whimper! (laugh) It’ll be LOADS of fun!! (smile) Well… at least once he’s moved in. (evil grin).
It seems only NB had any sympathy for me over the past few months. Other people in my life seemed like they mostly just wanted something. I was a resource. Well, maybe Beep also just cared for me.
31-Jul-00
Another month ending, and I’m still
here. NB finished moving in last night, and the place is now CRAMMED with
furniture. Thanks much to Lor and Mary for assisting! (HUG). I realize
VERY well how much my muscles have deteriorated. The real loss feels like
it’s mostly in my forearms. I was severely fatigued also, and (my own fault)
I only got 5 hours sleep Saturday night, so I was a walking zombie by the
end of the day yesterday. I had to unbury my work clothes today. (laugh)
NB is taking the day off to clean his old place out. I hope we work out well together. I think we will.
I went to my role playing game group Saturday, which wrapped up just past midnight. I stayed around and talked with PA, and the time just slid away. It was so great, having time to just sit and talk with him. I had forgotten how much I liked him. (laugh)
Okay, this paragraph contains explicit material. Skip ahead if you don’t want lessons on anatomy and sexuality. (laugh) NB and I got home after moving all his stuff in last night. I was dead tired, and took a shower, then laid down to sleep. When he was done, he joined me. We ended up having more energy than I thought we would, and our regular heavy petting turned into … well, sex. There is now no way to deny that we have made love. Because of the discomfort from MY parts, we didn’t do it long. I was also feeling really concerned about hurting NB. I kind of got weirded out, and we eventually stopped, but it was a good first, I think.
I guess NB has given me the feeling that my life is more stable now. That’s a really good feeling after the insanity in the year that just passed. I think I can begin facing issues of transition now more since I feel my life has otherwise calmed down. I really ought to go out dressed some time. I need the practice, and I need to face that fear.
I sent off an e-mail to a group called CAST, looking for info on a coven in the St. Louis area. It’s about time I find a channel of communication to God (the Goddess, whatever). The face we assign to the eternal is really rather moot. I need to hear the voice of God better. I’m blind, and I realize that. I’m a fool, and I understand and accept that. I don’t want to be blind and foolish any more. I want to understand my place and be content with it. Sorry to you who read this and are offended, but supposing to know the true face of God is… well… patently ludicrous.
(sigh) Back religion-bashing again. You’d think I’d get tired of it eventually, but NOOooooo. (laugh)