01-Aug-00
The motivation to transition has driven me to begin HRT, get divorced, go through electro… but it hasn’t done anything to make me more courageous. I fight my fears all the time. I need to get over the fear of being outed. I’m getting more and more femme, and it will eventually seem really silly me trying to be anything other than what I AM.

I started taking Ginko Biloba this morning. So far it appears to be doing well for mental alertness. However, I’m sure being forced to do some activity with all the furniture moving has also begun to boost my metabolism. If I can keep this up, it’ll be wonderful. It’s almost like I went to sleep, metamorphed, and I’m now coming out of the cocoon. (smile)

I just keep thinking I’m out of things to say, but it never seems to be that way. I guess the things I discuss just get somewhat trivial. (smile)

My computer is basically buried under boxes behind bookshelves, under clothing. (sigh) Moving stuff this weekend has left the place in shambles, and I mean shambles even worse than what it normally is! (laugh)

NB brought a cute little vanity with him, he hates it, so I think I’m going to inherit it from him. I’ll finally have a makeup table, and a place to put the cool mirror my sister got me. Whee! I’m due for another eyebrow plucking now. Joy. (frown) So, that’ll probably be the first thing I do at that desk/vanity thingy.

I contacted an organization called CAST about finding a Wiccan Coven in my area. I don’t know if I will find Wicca any better than Christianity, but I’m willing to try any path to God/Goddess/whatever you wish to call it. I think I can feel some calling in me. I speak to god… whatever you wish to call God. I speak, but I don’t hear an answer, and it’s frustrating me. I need to find a way to focus, concentrate, clear my mind, and hear the voice of God. Any face we give it, it’s the same force. I think if Christianity works for someone, more power to them. It doesn’t work for me.

I’m feeling more comfortable every day showing my femme traits. I’m really starting to think, after seeing the reaction everyone at work has had, that I CAN do this. What I need are a few positive nights out, where I’m not outed or anything. Just something to boost my ego. (smile) I will be going home and working on the apartment again this evening. After that? Mmm, I do need to get back to the StLGF web pages, which I haven’t worked on for a long time.

Food cravings have shifted from chocolate and protein to salt over the last few days. Ugg.

Oh, I realize I wrote about doubting getting together with MM the other night. I did, it was nice, and I had to cut the visit short because I just felt SO tired. It’s somewhat frustrating being this lethargic.

04-Aug-00
Wow... time is passing ...fast. August already. Well, I spent time with Aoi yesterday. I had an excellent time. We went to a shop called 'Glad Rags'. It was quiet enough that we had a chance to browse and try on a few things. I finally had the guts to try something ON before I bought it. (BIG BIG SMILE!!) THAT was just... well it felt wonderful. I feel like it was a triumph over my fears.

Anyway, something else I picked up the other day was a CD of the band 'Phish' performing Pink Floyd's 'Dark Side of the Moon' album. I'm listening to it right now. Wow. I'm finding it very cool.

Ahh... Catching my breath I think... I hope. (smile)

It probably gets old hearing me talk about the feeling of testing myself over and over, about whether this was right. This has been a tough decision, I think.

Enough! I'm doing the right thing. Again, I'd think I really were messed up if I STOPPED considering whether I was right. It makes me understand why I'm doing this.

Oh, I had forgotten to mention my friend LB finally got back with me. He and T are both not pissed I guess. I hope.

06-Aug-00
WOW! NB and I went to the StLGF summer party (hosted by Bobbi, thanks hon!) last night. Yesterday was awsome overall. I spent the day in the company of NB. (smile) I can't ever remember feeling so ... free I guess. HAH! I wore the little number I picked up the other day with Aoi to the party. I really feel I was looking really good, and NB was suitably impressed! (laugh) I had a great time, and really for the first time at a StLGF gathering, I felt totally among friends. (beaming smile!) I've spent pretty much the whole weekend as a female. And you know, I feel pretty good about it. I accept a little more each day that the decisions I've made are making me finally see life as a good, positive thing. I have guarded optimism that I've done the right thing. Regardless of my future, I do not regret my decisions.

Later...
Still alive. Not so much in my shell now. I thought the name of this month's entry should say something about what I'm looking forward to in life. I need to adjust to the notion of facing the fear I feel.

I went to the zoo today with NB. GOD, it was hot! Temperature, I mean. (giggle)

I LOVE BEING A GIRL!!! (smile)

I spoke with CH this evening. It was so nice hearing from her. It sucks that it seems sometimes I don't get enough time with even the TS girls in St. Louis .

Hmmm. Something occurred to me. Being TS doesn't necessarily show intelligence. Someone pointed out that my view of TS folks is probably skewed, speaking only to girls on the net. These are girls who are above average intelligence. What if someone had this gender dysphoria and wasn't very intelligent? God, what a hell of a load that would be.

Life and love, and desires to bend the universe to our will. Hah! Life is funny.

My nails are again getting long. It's nice. Long hair, too. I need to get my ears peirced.

09-Aug-00
Shit. I am a lazy slug! The apartment is still a wreck from NB moving in, I have bills sitting unpaid... and overdue. I suck, and if I keep up this apathy, I will fail , and screw up my transition. (sigh) Knowing that I am screwing things up, and mustering the energy to do anything about it are vastly different... I hope my visit with my MD today will move me toward solution of the energy problem. (sigh)

Later...
Laundry night. NB and I finally managed to get some will power. (smile)

10-Aug-00
Well... I'm back from MM's place. I gave her a copy of my diary and now I think she's prolly done with it considering how fast she reads.

11-Aug-00
Okay, it blindsided me. I was fired today. I have been very tired, missed a lot of work, and haven't been very productive while AT work. The official reason for my termination was poor work performance, with which I couldn't argue. I will always wonder in the back of my head though if the TS issue had anything to do with it. I think though that would just be me not living up to my mistakes.

I have wondered how long I'd be kept on. Now I know. (sigh)

On the UP side, I interviewed with another company today, and the job looks promising. (smile) Again I have this feeling like doors closing just to have others open. Damn, why do I bother to PLAN anything when my life is a big serendipitous rollercaster??

I am shutting down my retirement account and taking my savings in lump-sum. That will at least hold me over till I get re-employed.

Wooo... It hurt. I felt like laughing when my supervisor told me. I guess I was tired having the axe over my head. I was feeling worthless and stagnating there. I guess now that my transition is under way, it was inevitable that I'd want to pursue something that made ME happy. I couldn't face any of my friends at work. I would have cried, and I didn't want my employment there to end like that. I managed to get to my car before I broke into tears. Heh. I thought I was going to just freak out right there.

Ooo... I'm sitting here, and the company I interviewed with today came in with a contingent employment offer nearing 10K more than I was making, plus benefits. Heh... Another F***ing weird day in my life. (laugh)... Jeez, this is weird... (blink)

Ah... I think I should be nervous, but somehow it ends up just feeling like it wouldn't matter. Heh. God, I think I'm finally going insane. Well. This life is too weird.

14-Aug-00
The weekend went well. Friday night, I went to a party with a coworker (technically an ex-coworker). The party was on the 17th floor patio of his apartment building. While there, I got in a discussion (rather unwillingly) with someone about being in transition. It was not exactly encouraging. (sigh) I know what I need to do now, and when I meet people that are simply dead set against me doing this, it hurts. I can only assume they think I'm screwed up in the head to make such a change. When someone assumes you're stupid, it's insulting. What is it when they assume you're insane?

Speaking of which. I DIDN'T go insane on the 11th either. Damn it, it WOULD make things somewhat easier. (laugh)

15-Aug-00
The tech interview for the new position went very well, and the recruiter working with me said the guy was 'very impressed'. Heh-heh-heh..... (big smile)

Oh... yeah... I guess someone read what I'd written in my journal and thought there was a chance that I'd come in, snap and kill my supervisor. (sigh)

16-Aug-00
Okay, I was kind of hoping for this unemployment to definitely be over by now. I hope to be shown to the new company today. End of the week would be good I think. If it all happens tomorrow, I could go home to Ohio for the weekend. I need to talk to TB.  I need him to be okay with this.  He is my friend. I don't want to see him go from my life.

MM called this evening and chatted for a while. Thanks MM. I needed that! (HUG)  She read my diary. Few people DO.

Anyway, she used a quote with me that I'd told her several times… From Metallica, 'F***K it all, and f***king no regrets'. Harsh, but to the point. Here's the lyrics link.

Okay, I have to say this. I have a strong feeling that I'm going to get the position tomorrow, and that I will then go to Ohio for the weeked. I need to see TB. I'm trying to bend reality to my desires. Heh...

20-Aug-00
So much for my precognative abilities! (laugh) I didn't go to Ohio. I woke up late in the morning yesterday, had a nice day with NB including a trip out into Missouri wine country, then went to a PFLAG meeting. It was a great day.

Today, I spent mostly with CH. We went out to a mall, and I got my ears pierced!! It was a small but confirming step in the transition. (BIG SMILE)

My sister has some severe health problems, and I am very nervous about them. (sigh) I wish her the best. I love you sis. Hope you're feeling better soon. (HUG)

That's about all the BIG stuff I think. Still waiting on the new job thing. Tomorrow I'll blanket the internet with my resume. Joy. (sigh)

22-Aug-00
Last night I started to get hit with a wave of panic about this unimployment. I'm freaking out here! I have bills to pay and stuff! Stay calm...

Shit. Do I get to look forward to the joys of unimployment forever? (sigh)

I feel like crap. (sigh) I feel like I'm becoming a burden instead of an asset. I really feel like getting stoned or drunk, crawling into a hole and dissappearing. I know this will change back to being chipper and bouncy when I get employed, but if that doesn't happen soon, my HRT and electro will have to stop, and that just plain SUCKS! Plus, I need to pay Beep half the mortgage, not to mention my OWN rent and utilities. Shit, shit, shit, shit....

24-Aug-00
The unimployment goes on. I feel vaguely worthless. My insurance will run out in about 15 days, and I won't have the money to continue HRT after that. I don't even want to think how my body will react to withdrawl from it. I really DON'T want to stop. I don't want to go back one inch from where I am. Please, God... please no.

I guess I just think that something will die inside me. Something I finally let grow a little. I let it into the light. Come out, it's safe now... come out... don't be afraid. The world isn't as cruel and hateful as you fear. You'll be allowed to show who you truly are for once Lynn. And now... I'm falling apart again... back to square one. Shit.

I've grown. I know who I am, and I'm comfortable with it. It just feels like the world is beginning to see who I am, and it's doing all it can to kill me, to keep me spiritually dead, in line with the herd. Conform or be cast out. But this is worse, conform or die. The system doesn't allow for me. There are no exceptions made for transsexuals.

Yesterday, I had 5 more hours of electro. I was given a perscription for Hydrocodone for the pain. Even though it was my upper lip being worked on, it was okay, the pain medication did fine, but I got stomach cramps from it. Afterward, I had dinner with RK and CB. CB made this wonderful grilled trout and rice. It was great, but about half an hour after dinner, I got sick and threw it up. The hydrocodone screwed up my stomach pretty bad. I felt really bad about that. Sorry girls. (frown)

I got a call back from a contracting company wanting to hire me out to Boeing doing Ada. The assignment requires a secret clearance, which means I'm almost certainly NOT going to get it. I will tell the OSI that I'm trans next time I speak with them.

I'm of the opinion that I need to really be happy with my next position. I need to move into a position that will allow me SOME creative outlet. Anything else will be just as bad as where I've been. I need to take charge of this and really force the change to happen.

I guess there's really no sense in worrying about what might happen. I need to stay positive, focused, and MAKE the reality that I want manifest. Wish me luck.

NB is doing a fine job at being supportive during this. Thank you, hun. (HUG)

I guess that's all for the night. Peace to you all.

28-Aug-00
Another day and no further along with the job search. This really bites.

I meet NB's mom this weekend. I'm (obviously) a little nervous about that.

I'm trying very hard to stay optimistic about the future, but ya know... damn... I'm just tired of being scared about one thing or another. Family, friends, home, job, everything. The job was the last piece in a life I watched fall apart over about a year. I still wonder if I'm sane. I still wonder if it'll turn out all right in the end. I'm scared. I see myself changing, and in many ways, that thrills me, but it also puts a deep rooted fear into me. Soon, there will be no hiding the truth. I can still pull off 'boy'. Some day soon, I won't be able to.

Worse, if I don't get medical coverage soon, I'll have to stop HRT. Then, the shit will hit the fan, and I will fall very deep into depression. I don't know what is more cruel, never finding your path to happiness, or finding it, only to have it taken away.

Beep wrote me today to say her son's grandmother (on his father's side) passed away. I really liked her. She was about the sweetest lady I'd ever known. That really hit me. I wonder how Beep's son is taking it? I hope he's okay. I know he's been through alot this year too, and some of that was from me and my decisions.

Previous / Next / Back to Writings Page