01-Sep-00
Well, okay, it's not yet September,
but it will be in two minutes. So I'll wait... (smile) Over the past three
weeks, three of the TSs I know have been fired from their jobs. CH and
Aoi are two of them. Damn. This sucks. I actually have some reasonable
prospects, but nothing solid yet.
CH called me up this... err, technically yesterday morning, sobbing, telling me she was 'let go'. I went over to her place, and she said through racking sobs 'I'm scared'. I know that feeling all too well. I'm scared too. All of us are. Our lives are so unsure and so controlled by the whim of people who do not understand us, and fear and distrust what they don't understand.
She had an appointment with her therapist, which I tagged along on, waiting outside till she was done. Then she and I went to Pho Grand (Great Vietnamese place here in St. Louis) for lunch. We watched 'Being John Malcovich' and I came home.
Valky was online, and we briefly discussed her feelings about her breakup with Aoi, and how someone else may now have a crush on her. She was angry at me for dropping offline the other night, but I had other responsibilities and had been talking to another girl on-line who was having a lot of problems. I was trying to help her. Valky was mad that I wasn't giving her all of my attention, I think.
I want to call my brother DW, since NB and I will be passing through his home town on our way to NB's parent's place this weekend, and I was hoping I'd get a chance to talk to him.
A new TS girl I met was supposed to be available this evening, but wasn't, so I sat at home waiting, and watched some of 'The Stand'. The old lady, the 'magnet' was talking about how tough it was carrying out God's will. It struck a loud chord in me, and I started crying.
Beep called tonight (technically yesterday). I called her back, she was busy, but eventually called me back. She was doing the familiar 'unloading' of her day's emotional hardship on me, but again, I had things to do. She got cold when I said I had to go, she said (in a very business and false tone) 'Fine, goodnight' and hung up. (sigh) I'm going to have lunch with her tomorrow, and I thought she'd have plenty of time to talk then. I sometimes feel I will not ever be able to make her happy.
So, I felt powerless to help CH, and Valky. I was worked up about my brother and meeting NB's mom. And, to top it off, I got a very cold treatment from Beep. I just couldn't take it. My mind just started going and going and wouldn't stop. I started crying. NB mentioned something about maybe talking to his dad during Thanksgiving. That led me to thinking that I used to spend Thanksgiving with DW, then with Beep. Now, they were both basically out of my life, at least not folks I would be invited to Thanksgiving dinner with any more. I burst into tears again. RK and CB have invited me to Thanksgiving with them this year. While I love them both, and gladly accept their gracious invitation, it really cuts to my core that my own brother wouldn't invite me. Nor my best friend, partner and spouse for 6 years. I understand how socially awkward doing that would be for either of them. It just really hurt. That's all. It just cut me right to the core. Sometimes I feel so unloved by so many of the people in my life whose love should be unconditional.
Well, there now. See? It's officially September first.
I've had my little vent. I don't know if I feel any better, but I felt I HAD to put this down, get it out of my head before it drove me crazy.
I keep thinking it would be cool to get a big old house with lots of rooms and let any T girls in need stay there when things were bad for them. Like a shelter for trans folks or something. If I come to a place where I feel I CAN do such a thing, I might just do that. I'd feel a lot better knowing they were't worrying about survival. Yeah... I'm a bleeding heart. Still. I think the progesterone is just making that worse.
As I told NB this evening, sometimes I feel indistructable and sometimes I feel like a total basket case.
It felt really good just being there for CH today, even if I had no solutions. We've been joking lately that her first encounter with me she found me something of a horn-dog, and didn't much like me. I'm glad she got past her first impressions. Best of luck for you, CH ... and us all.
04-Sep-00
Just in case any of you thought this
transition shit was funny, here is a list of transgendered folks
who have died for being who they are...
http://www.gender.org/remember
Now, if you followed that link, and your eyes aren't streeaked with tears, you are totally heartless. On with life, instead of dwelling on death...
I met my brother DW for lunch this weekend, and he seems to be handling the idea of my transition much better. That makes me very happy. He said that we all make decisions and need to live with the consequences of those decisions. I know he's right, although sometimes I wish the price weren't so high.
I met NB's mom this weekend. She's VERY sweet, and honestly trying to accept and understand NB's transition. I think she's doing great, and I commend her for her sticking by her child through such a difficult time.
I've had several weird dreams about being a male crossdressing in some club, and having people hitting on me. I don't know how to read that. You know, I don't have dreams about actually having sex any more... or haven't in a fairly long time.
Stealth... Let me explain what this means in terms of the life of a transsexual. Stealth is the point where you have done all transition, and you simply fade back into 'normal' society in the the gender role you have adopted. This usually includes severing or minimizing the contact to the trans community.
I mention this because I keep hearing girls talk about wishing to go stealth, and I understand. Finally attaining that goal of being who you feel you are... I think it would be tough dredging up those old pains by being around girls not as far along. They are either nearly suicidal, fanatically eager to begin, submerged 24/7 in trans stuff, or newly post-op. Stealth is probably the route I'll take too, but my bleeding heart will maybe tug me to help girls in ealy stages for a long time... maybe forever. I finally met a couple 'new' girls, and it's funny to see in them what I felt only a year ago, and my heart goes out to them. That place... utter confusion and fear... can there be a place worse in life?
07-Sep-00
Hello again. I had an emotionally exhausting
day yesterday. First, I had several nibbles concerning jobs. Hopefully
one of those will pan out.
Then, I went over to CH's place and watched 'American History X'. THAT is an intense film. I cried several times through it. It was horrifying and brilliant at the same time.
Later I went over to Beep's, where she reminded me that yesterday would have been our third wedding anniversary. Ouch. Damn.
This morning I spoke to my sister, and preliminary doctor's reports seem to indicate she may have MS. Damn again. That just bites.
08-Sep-00
I feel like a failure today. Last night,
I had a new TS I met in the St. Louis area (TD) over, did her makeup and
let her try on some outfits I had. She had a few moments when she seemed
like she was just beaming. It was really sweet. Today, after trying to
get CH, and Aoi together, I finally managed it. It was TD, CH, DB, Aoi,
and myself. I had a horrible drive up to Aoi's place, almost getting run
off the road. Then there was general confusion, and I was feeling very
pissy because it seems every time I've tried to get trans people together,
they're always so f***ing self conscious, or depressed or some emotional
bullshit. Aoi was tired and didn't make for a great conversationalist.
I was pleasantly surprised that DB came out with us though.
Before this attempt to assemble the entire young TS community of St. Louis, I spent the afternoon with CB, and RK (mostly CB).
I'm going to go crazy soon if I don't get a job. My idle mind is playing all sorts of emotional games, and I feel like life is kind of without direction right now.
Aoi has now completed a Linux Certification training coarse and is employed at a pretty good job. Hope it works out for her.
For the last ... week or so (?) I've been having disturbing dreams, like losing my teeth, going bald, going to the funeral of a friend. Something is going on in my head, and I don't see what. It sure seems like the mental stress is more than would be warrented from being unemployed. (sigh)
15-Sep-00
Well, it's not like you've missed anything
in the intervening week. (sigh) Still unemployed. I'm really tired of this.
I got a call from TR today, saying he wants a book of his back. He'd called
like twice before when he came over (of coarse without calling first to
find out if I was home). FUCK! I hate my life!
Good things? There's NB. He and I are doing great together. StLGF starts back up tomorrow. I need to tweeze and shave and such.
I had a strange dream that I was a man, and fell in love with a woman, who eventually ended up dying. The night after she died, I was so distraught, I somehow managed to send a message back in time to myself, and prevent the incident from happening. Our lives went on as if nothing happened. Then a few years later something ELSE happened, and AGAIN I sent myself a message into the past, and prevented the tragedy. And then a third time, I kept the romance going by preventing her untimely demise. Then, she ended up murdering me! I, on my deathbed, sent a message back to the beginning, and let her die in the original incident, where she drowned. I sat there watching her die, knowing the life we WOULD have had, the betrayal I would have faced, and instead of letting it play through, I let her die. Throughout the dream, she had a male friend who was always looking at me with something like loathing. When she died, he finally admitted he was in love with me, and had been jealous of the woman. As I turned from the scene of the drowning, there was a wooden foot bridge over the river, or lake she'd drowned in, and under the bridge, in the soft earth stood a pair of white ducks watching me. They scratched something in the earth, like symbols, but I couldn't read them.
Wicca... I have now read 'Wicca: a guide for the solitary practicioner', and have begun the follow-up 'Living Wicca'. Sometimes i wondered if this lull time was meant for me to explore other avenues of myself I have long been neglecting.
I had breakfast this morning with a young lady in my apartment building. She seems nice. At 22, though, I don't know if we have tons in common. I think I'll be having breakfast with her again next week. I hope, when she finds out I'm trans, she doesn't flip or anything. I'd really like to have a female friend. (sigh) I need to learn all that crap I missed in my teen years.
I feel like I need someone to lean on, and there's no one there. I'm sure NB would say I should lean on him, but I do too much already. And there's only so much support I can expect of him. I don't want to burden him more.
26-Sep-00
I'm in Hell. Nothing seems to enthuse
me any more. ES in Ohio keeps telling me I'm wrong to do what I'm doing.
All the people I know who should be supporting me... I'm supporting them,
but they don't seem to want to deal with me when I'm in a sad mood. The
progesterone is making me very moody, up and down. It's a big bucking bronko
rollercoaster emotionally.
Several more nibbles on my resume, but no takers yet. Still without job. It bites.
Been reading about the supposed mystical properties of stones lately. I'll let you know if I get any real results from them. Even if nothing mystical comes up, minerals and crystals are just COOL looking!!
I had a nice weekend with NB, out in the country. I even had a chance for a (brief) dip in a pond. It was too cold to stay in long, but it's the first time I've been swimming this year, and it was glorious! I had to scare off a large school of catfish before I got in the water though. (LOL)
I was just discussing with a friend getting 'eye-fucked' by strangers. People give me second looks or look me up and down several times trying to read me one way or the other. Sometimes I find it amusing, sometimes annoying, and sometimes downright creepy.
Another friend of mine, PA, is facing a cancer scare. I will give him what luck I have to give. He's down on me being upset about transition because it's not as bad as his potential cancer. That pisses me off. He's not certain, but he's still minimizing MY pain because he MIGHT be facing something lifethreatening. I hope it's not what he has, but even if it is, an orchiectomy could fix the problem, if it hasn't spread. Then he'd just get T shots. Not that that sounds great, but it's not the end.
30-Sep-00
Wow... another month comes to an end.
I'm sitting here thinking about my life during High School. My friends,
and where they are now. I miss them, and I know that it's messing with
their heads what I'm doing, but I have to.
As RK has pointed out, most TVs won't sit through electro if they have the option. It's expensive and painful. Between that and the effects of HRT, I know I'm really trans, although most of the time I wish it were otherwise.
An interesting little ditty from my high school days... I was the 'Dungeon Master' for a Dungeons & Dragons game for my friends throughout high school. We all liked guns and swords, and bombs and cool stuff like that. We all had swords, or battle axes or something similar. We used to go out into this abandoned clay pit, camp out, and play with our swords (get your mind out of the gutter, you pervert!). The person who owned the property next to that had two goats, that used to come into our camp and bug us. The male in particular would stand looking at us, with his hind legs in the camp fire. Goats are VERY stupid animals, in my opinion. Anyway, on several occasions, the other guys dropped acid (I eventually did one trip once, but at that time hadn't done ANY illugal drugs). Well, one of the guys in the gang was talking about it in school, and it ended up that I got called into the Principal's office. I was asked if I was a Satanist. ... Huh? Where did THAT come from? Well, appearantly someone added D&D + swords + stupid goat burning it's own legs + acid and came up with Satanist. (sigh) STUPID! I hated high school for obvious reasons. I wonder what they would have thought had I admitted to being trans back then? This was just one of those moments of my teen years I thought I'd relay.