02-Oct-00
I was chatting with CH this morning...
discussing that every Halloween I wanted to dress as a girl. I never did.
I was always too afraid someone would figure out how much I secretly always
dreamed of it. Halloween to me was the one opportunity to take off my mask
and really show who I was. Some people see it as a time to just be silly
or outrageous I guess. Now, I'm left with having cast off the mask of male,
disecting my previous life, and trying my damnedest to hold onto all that
was worth saving from that life. Sometimes I really think it would have
been easier to throw it out lock, stock, and barrel, but that would have
left me feeling even more hollow than I did. Now... without that mask of
male... that familiar character, I'm forced to recreate myself every day.
I'm doing my best to let my mannerisms be what they ARE, not to force them
toward male or female. Not to put on a new mask to replace the old.
I have gone too long putting too little of my thoughts and feelings down. I have felt to a large degree that I am only existing right now... not actually living.
I had an emotional pop last night. It started several days ago with an incident with NB, where I ended up freaking out about hurting one of my testacles. The throbbing pain was familiar and sickening, and felt so very wrong... I shouldn't have had testes to hurt in the first place. Then, 10 hours of electro, another new experience in pain. I must admit however, that it wasn't as bad as the first or third clearing of my upper lip. Then, last night, at CH's, we were joking around, and CH punched me in the arm. Something in my brain clicked with too much familiarity. I ended up going over to Beep's, and crying my eyes out to her.
As I lose my muscle mass, and shed the bullshit bravado, I realize how vulnerable I feel, and how frightened that makes me. These incidents of pain all rolled in my head, and I got home from Beeps and had a full fledged wailing and sobbing fit. Something from the old abuse memory crept back in. It all seems to point to that. All this fear. All learned before I even had logical thought to counter it. So far back, the memory is pale and faded, ghostlike. I'm so fucking afraid of being physically threatened, especially sexually. And worse than rape, I fear what would happen if someone tried to rape me pre-op, found out what was between my legs, and then got really physically violent. Would I be beaten to death?
I told Beep last night, my fears may not be rational, but they're not totally unwarrented. I have no way to plan for such contingencies. That does NOT set well with me.
I have been meditating lately. I have had some interesting things reveiled to me. One clear message that came to me is 'Fear is a phantom wall'. Fear only has as much control over us as we allow it to have. I usually feel that I do pretty well, and keep my shit together, but every now and then, I have these little 'freak out' bursts, where all my fears come for a visit, and tap-dance around my head for a few hours.
I talked ot RK and CB about activists in the trans community. They said many of the vocal types in the trans community are not what the post-ops want to represent them. I understand that. Honestly, I don't give a rat's ass about activism. I only care about the girls I know personally, the pain they are dealing with, and how I can make transition easier for them. Post-op is a vague concept for the future for me. It's not real right now. So, I try to move myself toward passable, try to help my friends with their tough days, be there to support them, etc.
I'm afraid, but I'm trying to not let that stop me.
04-Oct-00
Well, NB's being a butthead, standing
over my shoulder, drooling like some inbred southern retard with a banjo...
I'm a pickin'... and I'm a grinnin'!! Yeeeeee-----HAWWWWWW!!! (LOL) He's
standing here watching me, and I'm just trying to annoy him now. Go away,
NB! Don't you have pizzas to deliver? He informs me he still has 4 minutes...
Dum-dee-doo... How to annoy him more in 4 minutes. NB, You're funny looking,
and usually suffer from intestinal distress! Hah, take that!! (LOL)
Ah, Ohh... I see... He retorts with 'You're weird' ... again. We have an ongoing understanding, usually unstated, that I am weird. I have been weird, and I will be weird. Weird permeates my life, regardless of what else may change. I think I've metioned before that I'm a full time resident of the Twilight Zone, with TWO successful terms as mayor.
What to say, now that I'm not being watched. NB and I both do a lot of speaking to the trans community, mostly to our respective sides (me to M-t-Fs, him to F-t-Ms).
About my last 10 hour stretch of electro... I had my chin, upper and lower lips, and most of my cheeks cleared. That really only left under my jaw line uncleared. It was (well, after the swelling went down) THRILLING to see my face so hairless. Beautiful. Thanks SO much RK!!! (BIG BIG hug). With my employment prospects still on hold, and HRT just being a daily grind, with no real visual progress over the short term, electro is the only real tangible evidence of progress. Without that, I would feel like I was stagnating. Loss of momentum would just give my brain to work overtime on doubt and fear.
Fear. I had a tarrot reading (okay, stop snickering) today, and the exact answer I expected (and exactly the answer I DIDN'T want) came to my question. I know there is something yet unfaced, or perhaps something I'm hiding from myself, something I need to work through. If there IS something I'm not facing, I don't know what.
I'm going to a full moon ritual next Friday. It's hosted by Yarrowcoven. I'll finally meet all those people I've only met online so far.
06-Oct-00
Okay... I'm trying not to fall into
a pit of dispair, but I really have lost all optimism about the future.
I've felt this way before. I'm sustaining, and surviving, but I'm not living.
I'm not doing a very good job of facing my fears of transition. I want
to hide here in my safe, cozy, warm little apartment, hang out with my
trans friends, and hide from the 'real world'. I want to wrap myself in
silk, sleep, and awaken a newly metamorphed butterfly. I don't want to
be seen by people who constantly wonder what the hell I am.
I went to see DB's band's first gig last night. It was pretty good, minus some technical difficulties. The croud was mostly friends of the band, I think. They all sat calmly, which I found odd. They sort of seemed dead. No reaction except polite applause. A couple songs, I wanted to get up and thrash. CH said she considered throwing a few chairs aside and creating a mosh pit! (LOL) That would have been cute, two TSs in 'boymode' moshing in a small venue. Interesting mental image.
Unemployment has afforded me WAY too much time to let my mind wander where it will. I need something to eat up some of my brain power (and make me money). I'm tired of listening to myself think.
11-Oct-00
I had a technical interview yesterday
that ended up lasting 4 hours and 15 minutes. It was not only technical,
but also involved HR interview, logic test and personality test. Whew!
Anyway, after 4.25 hours, I think they're interested in me.
I went to the interview in jacket and tie. In the elevator, I saw myself in the mirrored back wall, and was hit with a severe sense of dysphoria. I felt the person I saw (and I was effortlessly passing as normal male) was in no way me. It was fairly painful, knowing as far as I've come, still being so masculine. It sucks.
NB and I went out into the country this weekend and did a 5.3 mile hike. Both of us were whipped when we finished it. We're such wusses! (LOL)
I'm pretty excited about the upcoming Full Moon Ritual. I've never seen one before, although I understand (mostly) what to expect. This should prove interesting. (smile)
15-Oct-00
Friday in review: The Yarrowcoven FMR
After worrying about this day for some time, it arrived. I have been corresponding to many folks on the Yarrowcoven e-mail list, and the time finally came to meet them in the flesh. NB took the day off, mostly to run necessary errands, leaving me to sleep till almost noon.
When we woke, we had fast food lunch, and went to see his therapist. She had asked him many questions about his sexuality in our relationship, and I was there to answer some of those. He seemed even more embarrassed than usual. (smile)
After that, we came home and made tacos for dinner. I find that I really gain a feeling of satisfaction from cooking for him. Well, really, in cooking for anyone. Maybe old provider instincts or something.
I got dressed for the Full Moon Ritual in record time! It only took about an hour. NB and I walked out of the apartment and down the street to his car. The sun was not quite done setting at that time, but I don't think I was read by anyone.
After arriving at the location, several ladies sat and chatted to one another, and in the midst of conversation, I heard the name Lycona, mentioned. I introduced myself, and lo and behold, it WAS Lycona and Jenna from the list, two of the people I was particularly interested in meeting. The ritual had record attendance, about 140, if I remember right. Wow, all those people in a circle around a gymnasium. It was a hoot, as the members of Yarrowcoven spoofed the witch stereotypes, and basically had great fun.
After the circle, many members went to a coffee house, which NB and I tagged along to. This would be only my second trip into the 'real world' dressed. It went fine, and I was well received by all there. A first for me happened when I had my Mocha process through me and needed to use the restroom. I went into the ladies room in a public place for the first time. Cool. I was REALLY scared, but more in need of relief. I guess voiding will make us ALL brave eventually. (Ahem)
Saturday in Review: My experience at Fall Harvest
I stayed up WAY too late Friday night, till about 2:30 AM… thanks to a double espresso mocha. Then I woke up at 6 AM. Normally, I would have been frazzled, but Friday night had been really wonderful and I felt very optimistic.
The outfit I chose was a rather simple dress, and flats, with gold earrings and a gold locket necklace. For the first time EVER, I had no padding, no cinching, no nothing. I was all me. I had not even done heavy foundation, just a little eye makeup and lipstick. I ended up wearing 'guy' sandals for the walk to the car, and thought they were so comfy, I decided to just keep them on all day.
The walk to the car was great. My first time out in the Central West End fully dressed, in full day light. To my knowledge, I was passing fine.
NB and I arrived at the Henry VIII nearly an hour early. I ended up meeting MM at the registration table. While she looked very good, she had the somewhat vacant 'third-day-of-a-convention' look in her eyes. She showed us around, and NB and I ended up eventually wandering up to where our first seminar would be held…
9 AM, Randi Ettner: More than a year ago, I picked up my first books on transgendered issues. One of them, 'Confessions of a Gender Defender' was by Randi Ettner. Her talk was on transforming shame. I found her to be very pleasant and sort of wished I'd have had the opportunity to speak with her personally at length.
At the end of her talk, I was also able to introduce several of my various TS friends who had not ever met.
10:30 AM, Lor and Mary, FtM Social: Although I have been with NB for several months now, we both rather feel like we've known each other much longer. The Social was a nice small group (we all fit at one large round table). I was able to meet two new fellows, and again have the opportunity to introduce several friends of mine to each other.
Since NB and I had just come for the seminars, several of us from the F-t-M social decided to go get fast food for lunch. This was my first time out dressed… in a public place… in broad daylight… during the lunch rush. I was feeling indestructible though, and don't think I was read (except for a strange look from a young girl, maybe 11 years old).
1:30 PM Toby Meltzer: This was THE reason I attended the Fall Harvest. I have been told by several Post-op friends (like maybe RK and CB) that Meltzer is THE person to see for SRS. NB and I sat through both the M-t-F and F-t-M lectures, and while I had several interesting moments of rolling stomach, I was very interested in seeing what my future held. Dr. Meltzer was straightforward, honest, very knowledgeable, and pleasant.
After his first presentation, I said hello to Marci (President of StLGF), who looked twice as worn out as MM had. I hope she had the chance for some R&R. Sad when you have to recover from vacation, huh? (laugh)
5:00 PM … The crowning moment of glory… Okay, during Dr. Meltzer's F-t-M presentation, someone came into the room and sat in a chair one row behind me and several seats over. I didn't see who it was. NB pointed out it was my old therapist. I had seen her for 8 months of therapy. After Dr. Meltzer's talk, I turned and said 'Hi' to her. She said hi, but made no expression of recognition. So I turned again, and motioned her to come over. She did, we shook hands, and I asked if she knew who I was. She read my nametag, and said … 'Lynn'… still not knowing me. I told her I'd seen her for eight months… and her face THEN lit up with recognition…'Lynn… You look great! Wow, I thought you were a genetic female'. We chatted briefly, and I was in euphoria over her statement.
There is NOTHING that could top a moment like that.
On return to the Central West End, I again don't think I was read, but honestly, I don't think I would have cared if I HAD been read at that point.
After some rest, NB and I went to the Fall Ball, sponsored by CAST. I was a bit frustrated early on, as I was not being approached by anyone, and felt a bit out of place. I had changed into boy drag as I'd been en femme for 24 hours straight basically, and just wanted to let my guard down for a while. After eating and having a glass of wine, I felt much more mellow, and struck up conversations with several different groups.
It's strange, CAST is a collection of people from other groups, covens, organizations with various non-traditional spiritual beliefs. To some degree, they all stay with their own cliques. I understand it's hard to meet new people, and I'm not the most extroverted human in existence, but after loosening up, I was doing fine.
Sunday in review: I recovered from sleep deprivation (smile)
All in all, it has been a weekend of unprecedented growth for me, in my fighting and winning against fear. Several times, it was proven to me I CAN pass as female, and that while not gorgeous, I am at least acceptable in appearance. Wow… I am just giddy… goodnight all.
20-Oct-00
I went to a meeting of a group called
Growing American Youth, with a young TS friend of mine, F. Also attending
were DB, CH, and TD. It was rather like a TS takeover! (laugh) The group
consisted of folks MUCH younger than me, mostly in the late teens. I was
there for F's support.
Monday I have a second interview with a local company. I'm pretty sure I will get the job. We'll see.
I'm wired on about 5 cups of coffee, so I'm sitting here at 3 AM typing this. (smile)
26-Oct-00
Wahoo!!!! This morning, I went
and signed papers accepting an employment offer from a local company. I'll
start on the 4th of November, making more than my previous job. This could
e good. I am (as usual) cautiously optimistic.
I've been reading more about astral travel, the superconscious, past lives, et cetera. I think I've come to the conclusion that it doesn't MATTER to me if these things are 'real', only if they can create a positive influence in the 'real' world. So... I study on.
Today I can clearly see all the gifts I have in my life. I am very lucky, and have been given everything I need to succeed in life. I just need to supply the energy, patience, and love. It's been a wild ride lately, but I feel I've kept some semblance of sanity. ... (giggle)
I've been speaking to a lady on-line that lives only a few blocks away. I'm kinda hoping to meet her soon. It'd be nice to have a female friend that lived nearby.