Wicca begins the new year after Samhain (Halloween). With the beginning of my new job beginning so close... it DOES seem like a new year. I wonder if the IRS will buy off on that? (Laugh)
08-Nov-00
Tomorrow evening, I am sitting in on
a panel discussion on transsexuality issues for a youth group called Growing
American Youth (GAY). It's for Gay/Bi/Lesbian youth, and they now have
a trans girl involved. The gay community have little understanding of trans
issues, so a panel was assembled to speak to them. Somehow I seem to be
a fairly well respected member of the community, and got invited. Sad that
>I< represent a more stable member of the community (LOL).
It's really hard, getting to know the people being affected by racial, sexual, gender, or other forms of discrimination, and not having the energy to make change. I guess it's best to pick my battles VERY wisely at this point. :)
I made an Athame, a ceremonial knife used by Wiccans in ritual. It is always dull, and used only for pointing basically. That's the best way to describe it without going in depth.
It was made from a favored kitchen knife that broke on Halloween evening. That sort of felt like a clear sign. I ground the blade down on a grinder to make the tang, and made the handle out of ebony. I didn't know ebony was a wood, until I went to a specialty woodshop, looking for a dark wood. Athames traditionally have black handles. After the slot for the tang was routed into the handle halves, the two pieces were epoxied together and clamped overnight. The fit of the blade was excellent. I then shaped the handle with a rasp bit on a dremmel. A file was then used to smooth the rasp marks down and to do final shaping. Then 80 grain, 320 grain, 400 grain, and 600 grain sandpaper was used. Finally, bees wax was rubbed in by hand, and taken down with fine steel wool. This waxing was done 3 times. Then a buffing gave the handle a very nice finish. Particular thanks to CB for her assistance, patience, use of her EXCELLENT workshop, and adding that 'special' character to the project. (laugh)
If any of you are worried that I'm slipping off the deep end, or being led astray... please refer back to the late November entries of my diary, and other places where I state my views on God. The Wiccans slit the devine between the male and female aspects. I have no problem with that. Better, their first law is 'harm none'. I had a very bad initial introduction to Wicca. The first Wiccan I knew was... well... a fruitcake. I have met fruitcake Christians, Wiccans, transsexuals (yes, a few of them are eccentric. (laugh)), etc. I should have not judged the whole by that one example. The folks I've met recently are diverse, intelligent, and on paths toward spiritual enlightenment. I refuse to believe their path to the devine is any less valid that anyone elses'.
Hey... the presidential election was yesterday, and we STILL don't know who the new president will be, and probably won't till late tomorrow. I just hope if it's Bush... which looks likely... that he doesn't appoint hard-core conservative judges to the supreme court when the current ones step down/kick the bucket.
The new job I started Monday seems to be going well. I'm settling in nicely, I think, and catching on to the system pretty quickly. I really like it there so far. I hope I still remain employed when it finally comes time for me to transition. I'm going to put several thousand into savings before I try outing myself, just in case. Live and learn, folks.
11-Nov-00
Okay... I am getting tired of all my
friends being boarderline suicidal. I don't feel like the pillar of strength
I need to be for them, and the constant fear that I'll get a call from
a parent or roommate of a friend telling me that someone has done themselves
in is looming over me like a great dark cloud. I can't handle that.
I feel like i need to be a trained professional therapist or councelor, and I'm just as fucked up as they are. I don't know what to do.
I had a great meeting last night with the high priestess of Yarrowcoven, Moon. She's SO sweet! (smile) After an open full moon ritual, NB, Moon, and I all went out to Applebee's for nachos, and chatted for about 2 hours.
Tonight is the first meeting of the StLGF in it's new meeting location. I hope it goes well.
14-Nov-00
CH called me last night. I knew she
was feeling down, she had been since Friday. Nothing I did seemed to cheer
her up. When she called, she asked why I cared about her. I gave some stupid
answer, and eventually said it was because she was the TS girl closest
to me in transition. She said anyone could have been that.
I should have told her it was because I love her as my sister. Because I like listening to heavy metal with her. Because like me, she loves the joys of good food. Because we both came from small town life. Me from southeastern Ohio, her from West Virginia. We’re both hiding our hillbilly roots, I think. I love her because we’re both geeks, and like geeky movies. I catch lots of her movie quotes, and she mine. I love her because of the struggles she’s faced. Against the fear of loss, she has faced transition. Maybe I’m clinging to her like another passenger of a lifeboat. When I was asked, my brain locked up.
I meditated last night, and spoke to the Goddess and the God. They said that CH is now in a place where it is her own struggle, and there’s nothing I can do for her. SHE needs to break the mirror she holds up to herself showing only a monster. The mirror is distorted and it lies. As aware as I am of this, I can’t help but feel I could do more, be there for her more. Damn.
Well, today I got an e-mail from her roommate saying she’s in the hospital with internal bleeding. They don’t know the cause of it yet, and I’m forced to sit and wait. This sucks. Waiting sucks. Knowing I’m powerless SUCKS!
27-Nov-00
Hi diary. It’s been a while. What’s
going on in my life? Well, I spent Thanksgiving at RK and CH’s place. NB
and I got there early to haul tables and chairs and such. I made green
beans, and also brought a tray of raw veggies. Of coarse, I ate too much.
(smile)
I’ve met several new trans girls just starting transition. One of them, I met in person on Friday, and she again came to a PFLAG meeting Saturday night. Hi, JL!! (smile)
I was sent a message through the Antijen list about a day of remembrance for the trans people who have been murdered this year. It’s always an incredibly sobering thought to realize people are killed for being trans. It makes me live in a state of fear. This is an issue I’ve faced from the beginning. It happens. I KNOW it happens. Sad to say, gruesome events like that usually happen to girls (or boys) who are involved in very stupid activities, but that’s not always the case. I’m sure many trans folks are murdered JUST for being trans, and someone feeling such strong transphobic fear, that they take it upon themselves to relieve the world of a living person. I don’t think I’ll ever feel this any less.
Saturday, two GGs I met from C.A.S.T., EM and JS, came over. We watched movies, then they came with NB and I to PFLAG, and then we came back to my place, had frozen pizzas and did tarot reading… and a meditation. They’re cool, funny, entertaining, and very accepting of me.
I read my entry for this time last year, and think back to the phone call about my boss MB passing away. Wow. I’ve come a long way in the past year. I’ve healed a lot and grown a lot.
I still feel this empty place in my heart where the love for (and from) my parents should be. I feel somewhat orphaned. I’m still trying to get over how I feel about my brother, DW. Even though we had a pleasant talk the last time we were together, I still feel quite shunned by him, and he is the person I most expected to show unconditional love. So, I guess I’m not done healing and growing. Maybe I’m done healing, and these are just the scars. Maybe some kinds of pain never completely go away.
My body continues to change, and it’s really thrilling to me. I have another 5 hour session of electro soon. (sigh) I wish it could go faster. I am starting to get itchy to dump my ‘boy-mode’ completely. I know there are a thousand things I need to do to prepare, but I still want to get on with my life.
I felt for a long time that I was sort of stopped in progressing, but every day I’m a little more ‘me’. I haven’t been hiding anything at work. I don’t hide my femme mannerisms. I don’t wear a sports bra to hide my chest, but I do wear a t-shirt that helps SOME with smoothing out my chest.
I can see very clear differences in my neck since starting HRT. It’s much smaller in circumference. I can also see it in my forearms. I have been told by several people that my butt is shaping nicely, but I really can’t see it myself. (smile)
CH is going full time today. Huray!! Another fulltimer is born! (smile) I wish her ALL the luck in the world.
My arms are shedding! While I have noticed my chest hair, and leg hair thinning, I am witnessing first-hand as the hairs on my forearm fall out. I lose a few every day, and notice if I try to pull them out that many are already dead and just come out effortlessly. Now, keep in mind, I’m not a very hairy person to begin with, but this is REALLY cool to watch.
My left breast is a full A easily, and my right is an A, though not as full. Asymmetry sucks! (laugh)
As a great counterpoint to the new age/wicca
stuff I've been reading lately, I offer the Skeptic's Dictionary...
www.skepdic.com
It's cool. (smile)