05-Dec-00
Hi all. I haven't been writing much
lately. Sorry. I have in general been too busy with living. My relationship
with NB is going great. My job is coming along nicely, and I'm sure I'll
merge into the team I'm in as a valued member very soon. My friends are
doing well. I feel generally very satisfied.
I'm still sometimes bothered by being male, but that's what continues pushing me in transition. I guess it just proves that no matter how far this goes, I still won't feel complete until I'm passably female. It's funny that so many things about me are SO boarderline in gender that changing clothing, or sometimes just letting down my hair is enough to completely change (at least in my own eyes) my percieved gender.
I called this month's entry 'space kitty' because I went out this past weekend and bought a pair of female pajamas with a little logo on it that says 'space kitty'. The bottoms have the same logo, and little art deco rocketships, and stars. They're so CUTE, and warm/fuzzy/yummy. (smile)
I had a great talk with JL again today. She has thanked me numerous times by email for what I've done, and it's funny, because I know how much it must mean to her, and how little effort it seems to me. If there's any way I could help someone in the same position that I was in, I MUST. It was like hell being so trapped in the gender issue, and feeling like no one could understand.
A new trans support group is starting soon. It meets just blocks from here at a Christian church which is very gay/bi/lesbian/trans friendly.
Oh, I guess I'd also like to post the Transsexuality Briefing I wrote for Growing America Youth group. In addition, I have posted some short fiction I wrote a while back to my writings page.
07-Dec-00
CH came over last night before she
had to go to work. She looked great. She's gone full time and I was very
impressed with her progress. I must admit to feeling a bit jeleous. I don't
see full time in my future any time soon. (sigh) I keep making reasons,
but the truth is electrolysis. I NEED to get it under control before attempting
to go full time. And I'm not there yet. Not by far. So, I wait, and I get
as much done as fast as possible.
I know I want my body to change more first too. While I'm generally pleased with my progress, I want more to happen. I also need to get control of my weight. It's too far up there. In the 200 range at the moment. What's that you say about diet and exercise? (laugh)
Life in general is great, but today I'm feeling crappy physically. I have had something all week, and today, I just feel like crap warmed up. A lady I went to class with last week wrote me an e-mail and said she had gotten the stomach flu, but I don't feel that many symptoms in the stomach or intestines. Mine is just bodily aching, head ache, sinus, lack of energy to my limbs, and hot/cold flashes. Yuck. I have a doctor's appointment today at 1:15. We'll see if I can be helped then, huh?
08-Dec-00
Trapped in bitty-box HELL! Juno screwed
up something in their latest release, and I'm now trapped waiting for a
patch file, unable to get out to the web... The HORROR of it all! (laugh)
I'm scheduled for another 5 hours of electro Monday. Damn, I wish this shit was over with. I noticed that my last session was particularly painful. I hope this isn't part of a continuing trend.
I purchased a book called 'S/HE; Changing Sex and Changing Clothes' by Claudine Griggs. It has dealt mostly with gender presentation and how we are read by others. It's 140 pages long, of which I've read the first 40. Very good so far. Will keep you informed.
One of the things stressed by the author (herself a transsexual) is that SRS is really not the crowning moment of achievement, but living full time, and more importantly, being accepted as female in society on a daily basis, is the point at which her dysphoria lessened.
CH was over the other evening and expressed much the same thing. She is happy now. She's gotten her name legally changed, her driver's license now says female, and she has gone full time. As she told her company's executives, what's left is really cosmetic.
I've been on HRT for 7 1/2 months and don't feel that I'm close to going full time yet. For that matter, I'm not really even part time. I am moving slowly but inevitably toward that however. Some days I get a really strong desire to just go to work dressed, and get the whole thing over with. I know I'm not ready... yet. But soon. I am the type of person who needs to have things planned out before jumping into a situation, and I have not gotten my things in order for that yet. Honestly, unemployment set my time table back quite a ways.
About the unemployment... I need to come clean. My job performance HAD slipped greatly, but it was made clear to me by how my employers treated me that I was not wanted. My coworkers seemed to be fine with it. The folks in the chain of command were NOT. I WAS treated differently after coming out. I think that was in part why my work performance declined... along with a severe depression. My feeling of self worth has for some time been tied to my ability to support myself at very least.
09-Dec-00
Hi again. I'm still trapped with no
e-mail access.
I'm supposed to get a call from Lycona some time soon. She may be coming over to watch movies again. That's cool.
The book I'm reading (S/he) is really great, but occasionally hits pains. I don't know... I hear so many TS folks talk about how they want to get through and just forget. I don't. I don't EVER want to forget how this feels. With the bad comes some amazing joy. The sense that I'm finally going to be seen by others as how I've always felt inside... that is a miraculously liberating feeling. The joy of watching a friend blossom from the point of total apathy or misery, and finally struggling through to find themselves, that is so gratifying.
I may get to the point where I don't announce proudly that I'm trans, but I don't think I'm going to hide myself from those in need of guidance, councelling, and love.
22-Dec-00
I took my first vacation day from my
new job, because it was Yule, and because i woke up late, and because I
just WANTED to. My long time friend SA came in from Colorado, and we had
a great visit. I’m sorry she couldn’t stay longer.
I’m feeling kind of down right now, and don’t really know why. I think recently, I’ve seen a lot of the girls I know go full time or talk about this or that major event... and I just feel I’m sort of dredging along at a snail’s pace. I also see less and less boy every time I look in the mirror. I feel my boy mode is getting dangerously thin, and when the weather warms back up, I don’t know how I’ll hide the obvious physical changes that have occurred.
NB and I went out two days ago and bought our first ‘toys’. (smile) Interesting.
I need to make an appointment to go back to see a therapist. I don’t want to, but I think I’m so close to full time, I NEED to. I need my full time stuff monitored so I can start paying for SRS. Just the thought of all this is really scary, the speed that this transition moves, when you’ve actually started the ball rolling. I could have SRS within less than two years. WOW!
I’m not ready to think about that yet. Electro still remains highest priority, sadly enough.
I’m hoping to introduce MM and TD this weekend. It should be fun. We’ll see.
I am really getting tired of using the men’s restroom at work. It feels very wrong. It sucks to think that when I transition, the other ladies will feel weird about me going into the ladies’ room. I’m getting really depressed though, feeling so far removed from being male, and so far away from being female. Maybe I’m just being pissy. Even with four days of facial hair growth, I still look very feminine, and standing in the men’s room combing my hair sucks, as I watch other guys walk past and give me an odd look. (sigh) I am getting really depressed about all this. It sucks.
26-Dec-00
Well, now, how was yesterday for me?
It was pretty good. It was (par for the course) weird, but good. The weekend
was strange. Friday night, NB and I vegged, had pizza, and rented movies.
We got up leisurely on Saturday, and TD came over. We were going to go
visit MM. MM, unfortunately had been trapped in the hell that is Christmas
shopping, and when NB, TD, and I arrived at MM’s house, she was nowhere
to be found, so we aborted the plan and returned to the West side of the
Mississippi. We ended up going over to CH and DB’s place, and watching
‘Labyrinth’, but not before TD and I got into a major shouting match. She
is dead set on getting an orchiectomy, and would not listen to anyone about
it. She pisses me off.
Sunday, NB, CH, and I went to the Galeria. We had nothing in particular we were looking for, but just kind of meandering. It was nice. CH got her nails done, and we had dinner at this great southwestern/Mexican restaurant. NB and I then rented and watched the two holiday classics, Hellraiser and Akira. (laugh)
Yesterday (Christmas day) NB and I cruised town looking for a place open to have breakfast, finally finding a Denny’s that was open. We got home from that, and were getting ready to go to dinner at Beep’s, when the fire alarms went off in our building. So, we ended up standing out in the cold for half an hour and finally decided to just go to Beep’s early. I thought it was a false alarm, but wondered momentarily if we’d have a place to live when we came back. (smile)
Dinner at Beep’s was weird, like I said. NB felt uncomfortable and later stated he felt I was falling back into the old role I had with Beep and her family. I felt weird that Beep’s oldest brother had such problems with my transition. And Beep’s nephew, who I had been on good terms with for a long time was drunk and acting weird. We used to play fight and wrestle and stuff. He punched me in the belly, jokingly, I think, but it nearly knocked the wind out of me. I really can’t take the kind of roughhousing stuff the way I used to. (sigh)
NB left this morning to go spend a few days with his parents. When he comes back Thursday, he’ll bring his brother with him. I don’t know what to do to occupy him through the New Years weekend. Oh, well... I’ll think of something, I guess... I didn’t go with him because NB’s dad doesn’t want to acknowledge that NB’s going through transition, and REALLY doesn’t want to meet me. Again, this is out of my hands, so I leave it for NB to deal with. I hope it goes well for him there.
So, I get to look forward to a few days alone. I e-mailed a friend to see if she wanted to come over this evening. I don’t want to be alone. Being alone just plain sucks.
I think I got the problems with my ISP (Internet Service Provider) fixed. I’m not holding my breath though. (laugh) I may not be able to get this file updated until sometime in the spring! (laugh) Seriously though... the problems SHOULD be solved now.
Well... overall how am I feeling? Honestly, great. I can look back at what I wrote a year ago, and remember clearly how I felt. I’m amazed at my ability to adjust to a new life so well. It frequently has fear and stress involved, but there are moments when I see myself in the mirror, and I KNOW I’m doing the right thing. I’m just sort of plugging along in transition now.
My breasts have been sore off and on, not terribly so, but enough to make me think they’re still developing. My energy level is still low. No surprise there. I think my weight is stable enough to get some new clothes. My pants don’t fit, except for like 2 pairs or something. I’m having no spontaneous erections, and I find it difficult to get erect even when trying. My emotional sensitivity has settled down mostly. THAT is a good thing. (smile) Being a total mushy bawl-bag is NOT a good thing.
27-Dec-00
I have indeed come quite a ways in
a year. I have a clear path before me. It may be tough, but at least I
know what it is. That’s a long way from where I was this time last year.
NB is off at his parents. His dad still isn’t accepting NB’s transition, and NB is really rather frustrated about the whole thing.
Lycona is coming over tonight. We’ll probably eat pizza and watch movies. I’m glad I won’t be alone again tonight. Last night kind of sucked that way. It felt the same as before NB moved in.
I fell asleep at about 8 last night and woke up from a disturbing dream at about 2:30. In the dream, I was with some guy who in the dream was an old friend. He asked me to help him dispose of the body of a young teenage girl he had shot. I was assisting, but don’t remember feeling weird or uncomfortable about it, which I thought, was odd.
After that I had other dreams... these ones about fashion. (laugh) not joking here. I have dreamt for the last 4 nights or so about dressing in long party type gowns, going to dances, parties, social affairs.
My friend CL sent me a Christmas card, and in it was a photocopied page from my 4th grade yearbook. WOW! That was odd, seeing not only myself, but all the other kids that I graduated with as 9 year olds. (laugh) I was a cute kid. (smile) The funny thing is, even in that picture, the smile looks fake to me. I wonder what was going through my head when it was taken?
I occasionally wonder how I would be received at a high school reunion. But, then I think that those aren’t people I would really want to hang out with anyway. It’s not like I was a big socialite in high school. I was an introvert. I never went to school dances or sporting events. I participated in like the art club, and that was about it.
I just remembered being in the school play in the 8th grade. That was kind of fun. CL was in it also. Wow... that’s touching on some pretty damn old memories.
28-Dec-00
I feel like I’m losing touch of who
I am. I feel like a chameleon. If I’m with mixed company, I act in my old
role of male. In the company of only trans or genetic females, I act like
a girl. I hate it and it confuses me. It doesn't appear to be conscious.
It just happens. Worse, the stronger the female persona becomes, the more
reluctant I am to keep up male appearances. I am aware that I am acting
male now. The operative word here is ACTING. I am just as aware that it
is a persona I thrust forward to interact with males. I am increasingly
aware that it makes me very uncomfortable to act that way.
My facial hair is going to be the major determinant of when I can go full time. I hope the feeling decreases, but right now, it’s nearly unbearable to take living this way... half male and half female.
I used to think I wasn’t part time because I didn’t dress female part time. Now I understand I am female when I fulfil a female role, which is whenever I’m not at work, basically.
Hell... I just feel really uncomfortable. I went to lunch with a coworker today, and felt like shit that I couldn’t discuss my transition. Damn... I’m still hiding who I am, and I’m tired of it. It almost seems like all the negative reaction I’d get would be less bother than trying to be someone I’m not.
99.995% of the time physical sex and mental gender match. How did I end up with that .005% variance? It pisses me off, and I’m tired of being in the middle, with most folks being uncomfortable in the extreme with gender issues.
I just feel particularly dysphoric today, I guess. (frown)