01-Jan-01
Wow, last night was cool. I finally
got to introduce CH to Lycona. So, 3 of four participants of the circle
I'd like to assemble have fit nicely.
New Year's Eve went great. We all went over to DB and CH's appartment. That was SO fun!! We were having a laugh fest, and no one even had to get intoxicated to do it! All night I only had two beers. I'm SUCH a lightweight! (smile)
This diary has helped immensely for me to gauge my progress. I can read last year's entries of the same date and look back and realize just how far I've really come. It's just amazing!!
I don't have anything Earth-shattering rolling around in my mind, so I'll let you all go now. Peace!!
02-Jan-01
Hey, today I'm 30 years old! I feel
odd. I've been thinking a lot about wanting the past back. Wanting to redo
everything, but this time doing it the RIGHT way. I'd like to have the
chance to be a young woman in high school. I'll never know what all that's
like. I'll never have a childhood that matches with my current life. Once
I'm full time... I'll have to hide who I was. Some of that bugs me, but
a lot of my past I don't care to remember anyway.
I'm going out to dinner this evening with NB. That'll be nice. I'll start my after-the-holidays diet tomorrow. I bought a metabolic enhancer/dietary aid yesteray, and took the first capsule this morning. It's about 5 PM, and all I've had to eat so far today was a bagel. So, it seems to work pretty well. I felt a little gittery this morning after taking the first one, but I've been told after a day or so that feeling will pass. I hope it does.
NB's brother came for a visit, and took off this morning. It was nice meeting him. I think he's very nice. Somehow, I thought he'd be more extroverted, but he's kind of similar to NB, passive, quiet, laid-back.
I just tried watching 'Boys Don't Cry', and got past the first ten minutes or so and started to get really weepy. Ick... Too much.
Watching what I did of it made me realize just how scared I still am. I don't want to die just for the chance to be who I am. Die by my own hands or take the chance of making the transition, hoping not to die at someone else's hands. The decision sucks, but there's not a lot of choice.
Starting into electro once a week, instead of every other week... Soon I'll start back into therapy. I'm headed quickly toward full time. I'm afraid. I don't know if I'll keep this job. So, now what do I do? Save up in the event they decide to fire me? Crap. Isn't life tough enough without having to deal with transition?
05-Jan-01
NB is scheduled for chest surgery on
the 17th of this month. Cool. He's very
excited. I am too.
I started taking this diet supplement
and have noticed that since starting
it I wake up much more refreshed. It
contains ephedrine, which restricts
blood vessels in the sinuses, which
I suspect is why I am sleeping better.
There's a really good thread running
on an e-mail list I'm on concerning
Satanism. It was enlightening for me
to finally get an overview of the
beliefs of Satanists. While the beliefs
are not totally alien to me and I
understand where their thinking comes
from, I don't buy into them. It is a
religion/philosophy based solely on
'me', the power of the individual, and
the gratification of self. Also, there
appears to be no belief in the
afterlife. I still prefer the Wiccan
'harm none'. I don't mind pursuing my
goals, but I don't want to trample
others underfoot to do it.
I have experienced what appears to be
a permanent change in my view of
myself. I simply can't see a boy anymore
when I look in the mirror, or when
I catch my reflection in any reflective
surface. It's most humorous I guess
when it's by surprise. We are all so
conditioned to make that split-second
judgement that we do it even to our
own reflection before we realize we're
seeing ourselves. Hah! (laugh) Well,
mine has come back consistently female
in my own eyes for some time now.
MM sort of shocked me last night. She
had come over for a visit, and after
we finished with the youth group I
attend, she told me she would live full
time as female, if she were not involved
in a relationship. Wow... I guess I
didn't see that coming. I tend to see
transgendered issues divided between
physical and social. She wishes to
live full time (social) but doesn't want
to seek SRS or HRT (physical). In the
same line of thinking, I have seen how
gender issues tend to intensify the
older the subject gets. I think this
process may be sped along by positive
social experiences, such as going out
dressed and passing frequently, which
is the case that she's in. It's
interesting for me to contrast MM with
TD, who appears to be driven much
more (or completely) by the physical.
I think my drive is from both. Much
more by social, but I really didn't know
what a tough time I had thinking of
myself as a sexual being until I started
transition. Now, with the knowledge
that I will eventually be female in
form, seeing the slow change in that
direction is awakening my sexuality.
THAT is very cool, especially for someone
who has lived sexually repressed
all her life.
I was talking to a new lady I met at
the MCC meeting, Gail. I was discussing
the concept of threshold, like a grayscale
photo turned into black and
white, with the threshold at 50%. There
seems to be the same thing in
gender. It also occurred to me later
that the reason I think gender
distinction is important is that people
make judgements on sexual
compatibility based on gender presentation.
Ambiguous presentation may cause
confusion to people who read it wrong.
Then those people become angry.
And... Of course, there are STILL only
two bathrooms, boys and girls.
I'm curious to see if NB will ever get
read female after his chest surgery.
He was read female by a waitress the
other day, until he spoke. Then she
corrected herself. Funny thing is,
he paid for the tab with a credit card,
in his old name. I bet THAT was confusing
for the waitress. (laugh)
I was asked today to consider an offer
of relocation to Kansas City. I don't
think I want to. I am just beginning
to feel like I have a life and a social
group here in St. Louis. Plus... I'd
like to know if the company would keep
me through transition before I up and
relocate.
Well, I start this evening onto a weekly
electro schedule. I do NOT look
forward to 5 hours in a chair with
my face being zapped, but I need it done,
and I'm starting to think I need it
done SOON. I'm getting very itchy about
playing boy. It usually feels like
I'm being driven toward female, but now I
feel driven AWAY from male. Playing
boy is not sitting well with me. Being
part time is not fun for me.
I need to reschedule with a therapist.
I will likely end up paying out of
pocket just to have the therapist I
want.
08-Jan-01
Things are going good. I feel much
better about TD after talking to her last night. She seems really gung
ho and overly anxious, but I don’t think other people’s view of her not
being trans is accurate.
I went out and bought some new pants (slacks, whatever) yesterday at a local Goodwill, and got two pairs of size 16 Chic jeans, which fit me perfectly. It was so very cool to fit so well into clothing cut for a female figure. My men’s pants don’t fit for crap anymore. I’m just curious how that’ll fly on casual day, when I wear girl’s jeans in. (laugh)
I just got hit with another wave of ‘must-go-full-time’, and the accompanying fear right after that. This is grinding at me pretty bad. I wish there were a way I could hurry through this (very unpleasant) time, but there really isn’t. I need to call to make an appointment for therapy, and I need to see a voice therapist. My progress on my voice isn’t fast enough.
Something kind of funny happened Thursday night. I called a friend of mine in Ohio, SE, and his wife answered the phone. It was about midnight their time, and I had forgotten the time difference. Well, his (very irate) wife hung up on me when I told her who I was. She called back the next day and apologized. I guess she thought I was a tele-marketer. Weird. When she hung up on me, I felt really hurt, like I was being cast out. I know that’s not the case, but I feel like I won’t know how to fit into the group dynamic when I finally return to Ohio. Will most of ‘the gang’ feel really freaked out about being around me?
My model of chemical depression in M-t-F transsexuals: The male brain chemically converts testosterone to estrogen, and from estrogen into seretonin. When the brain is low on seretonin, it sends a chemical signal to the gonads (in this case testes) to generate whatever they generate, again, in this case testosterone. I can find no evidence that the female brain has the same mechanism to convert testosterone into estrogen in the brain. It has plenty of available estrogen, and would not NEED such a mechanism. If the brain anatomy was female, and the gonads were male, it would lead to the brain having low seretonin, sending a chemical signal to the gonads to produce whatever. The gonads would produce testosterone, which would never get converted in the brain, and the body, no matter what it tried, could not get the available seretonin. It may ALSO explain excess weight gain in TSs, who are craving seretonin sources in food.
When I began an antidepressant, my sex drive dropped dramatically. This may be due to my body producing less testosterone because the required seretonin was then available.
I may have described this model before, but I can’t remember.
15-Jan-01
I had a pretty good weekend. Friday
was electro. I had my upper lip cleared, which only took 2 or 2 ½
hours, and the rest of the time was on my jawline. I only took one hydrocodone,
which I've found usually doesn't make me ill. RK had an out-of-town customer,
Trish, who I am good friends with, staying there. She'd come in, had her
face cleared during the day, and whan I was done, she came out with NB
and I for late night un-health food (Steak-and-Shake).
NB and I slept in late Saturday, and set up an afternoon of entertainment with MM and Trish. We went out for lunch, and then ended up just hanging out till about 6. MM had to leave, and Lycona came over about 8, and we watched 'Gross Point Blank'. We dropped Trish back off at RK's
Well... umm... I MUST be an idiot. I
had my initial evaluation at work today, which went pretty well. I have
been trying to put off any urge of outing myself to my employers until
after that interview. I did, then I set an appointment to speak to my human
resources director. I went into her office at about 4 PM, and got right
to the point. I told her in 4 to 6
months I intend to begin living full
time. I asked about the company's discrimination policy, how the bathroom
situation would be handled, and issues of legal name/gender change. I also
asked if the company would want a therapist to come in a give a briefing.
The meeting was maybe 20 minutes, and the HR person was GREAT. She was
very kind, and professional, and didn't flinch, blink, or miss a beat when
I raised the issues. She said the company is very good about working with
their employees about personal issues, and asked if there was any way they
could make the transition easier.
I feel like i may have jumped the gun, and that I may be doing something stupid again. The urge to go full time is so overwhelming though. Damn... maybe I never learn, or maybe it's time for me to move forward.
I guess it doesn't matter. My impulsive action can't be undone now.
18-Jan-01
Yesterday NB had his chest surgery.
It went well, and LJ was there helping
out with getting NB's prescriptions
and such. I woke up many times through
the night with NB, to get him water
or whatever, and I'm pretty tired now.
LJ stayed with him through the day
today while I was at work, to make sure
he's okay.
While waiting for NB to get out of recovery
yesterday, LJ and I were
speaking to the lady in charge of the
recovery area. She got off her shift
and came to sit and talk with us. She
was really wonderful. It is really a
pleasant surprise when someone is so
accepting and kind with members of the
transgendered community. My thanks
go out to you!
I got my copy of the Gazette, the newsletter
for the StLGF yesterday, and
have been stewing about an article
from the president since reading it. I'm
sure it was not her intent, but she
completely insulted all the TS
readership with what she said.
I think about trying to hold together
all these diverse groups, trying to be
an intermediary, and I just started
wondering why I'm even trying. On one
e-list I'm on, they're talking about
wars over religion, and the gender
community can't even accept it's own.
Why am I even trying?
' it won't mean a thing in a hunderd years' - Blues Traveler
Well... I think I'm calming down a little
now about the Gazette stuff. I
just needed to vent. (sigh)
23-Jan-01
The big day is approaching. Full time.
Maybe four to six months away. I'm
curious how I'll manage to hide my
developing 'features' when the weather
dictates lighter clothing. Hehe...
That'll be an interesting challenge.
'Excuse me Lynn, you seem to have breasts'...
'What? Where? Oh, hell,
where'd THOSE come from??!??' (Laugh)
I guess I've been watching CH, and getting
a glimpse of my future. That's
kind of scary. I thought the worst
of the pain and fear had passed. I
actually hope they have. The difficulty
in this transition will mostly be
determined by my mindset. I need to
make sure it's in order before I go full
time.
A few people will applaud my courage,
many simply won't care, and some will
turn stone cold. Some, regardless of
what I try, will think I'm insane. I
have to accept that.
I'm not doing this to gain the favor
of people that don't even know me. I'm
not doing this to rock the boat. I'm
doing this because this is my life, and
if I die miserable, it's my own damn
fault. The wounds will heal, the scars
will fade, the pain will become nothing
but a vague memory, but the feeling
of finally being who I should have
been all my life will remain. THAT's what
matters, setting right to the best
of my ability the biochemical mistakes of
my development.
'I wanted to change the world. But I
have found that the only thing one can
be sure of changing is oneself.' Aldous
Huxley (1894 - 1963)
25-Jan-01
NB took me out to dinner last night.
It was one year ago yesterday that we had our first ‘date’. He’s so sweet.
He’s also recovering well from chest surgery.
I tried writing a letter to give to my supervisors about transitioning, and just sort of ran out of juice. There’s no easy way to tell someone you plan to start coming to work in a dress. (laugh)
Actually, there’s the following site
that I thought had great guidelines for transitioning on the job.
http://www.hrc.org/worknet/transgender/index.asp
It’s on the Human Rights Campaign site.
Here’s an article on a local trans lady’s
experience...
http://www.riverfronttimes.com/issues/2000-12-06/news.html
The COGIOTI
http://transsexual.org/cgi-bin/cgitest.exe?
Hey, I took this test some time back, and was MUCH lower. Now I’m at 345, probable transsexual. (laugh) Imagine THAT!
I think I just realized something... Transgendered issues may actually be two separate issues. One being the social aspect, and one being the physical (autogynophelia). I wonder what that social aspect should be termed? MM said she thinks she’ll be full time in 6 months. ... (stagger) ... whhh.... wow. She doesn’t want to transition physically, no HRT, no nothing. But she wants to live socially full time as a female. Tough path. Can someone want to live full time as a female and NOT be TS?
29-Jan-01
I'm a loser, and if I don't watch it
I'm going to end up being a failure. I
took Friday off because there was freezing
rain. That was about a lame
excuse. I need to be more work oriented.
If I lose this job, I have only
myself to blame.
I overslept this morning, and got to work a little late.
I don't know what's causing it, but
I feel really emotionally wound up. My
emotions are very close to the surface.
I should keep track of when this
happens and see if it's beginning a
28 day cycle. I've been told that even
trans girls begin cycling, but they
just deal with PMS stuff.
Well... after a little emotional bubble
popped, I feel fine. Oh, did I
mention the chocolate I ate? Maybe
THAT is what righted the problem. (smile)
31-Jan-01
Hi all. I have been doing some reading
and have found something very
interesting. I had speculated some
time before that a female brain in a male
body could cause problems because there
is a mechanism in the brain that
converts testosterone to estrogen may
not be present if the brain is female.
Also, I speculated that this might
be the cause of chemical depression in me
(and transsexuals in general) as the
estrogen is converted into seretonin.
If male genitals produce testosterone,
which reaches the brain but can't be
converted into estrogen (and thus seretonin),
this would cause chronic
depression. Since I was so quickly
eased by the use of an SSRI, I KNOW
seretonin played a role in all this.
Well... the other day I came across
this article:
http://www.genderweb.org/medical/docs/gmed19.html
And the relevant quote from that article...
"In all vertebrates, the presence of
estradiol, a female sex hormone, in
brain tissues causes a marked enlargement
of sexually dimorphic nuclei in
the brain. The hormone converts the
brain from its female resting state to
that of the male. The aromatase enzyme
found inside brain cells converts
testosterone arriving from the blood
into the female sex hormone estradiol
catalyzing the path to male sexual
behavior. In the presence of
testosterone, an aromatase enzyme deficiency
causes the brain to behave as a
female. In the Dominican Republic case
cited, while the 5-à reductase
deficiency produced the lack of male
external genitalia, the presence of the
aromatase enzyme in the brain did give
the children their male gender
identities. This experimental question
has not been answered yet: if
conversely 5-à reductase and
all the other proteins previously described are
present except aromatase then might
not the fetus develop normal male
genitalia but have the brain of the
opposite sex?"
This means, if I can prove an absense
of aromatase in my brain cells, it
would give physical evidence to the
cause of my gender dysphoria (my brain
having developed female anatomy) and
my previous depression.
http://www-personal.umd.umich.edu/~jcthomas/JCTHOMAS/1997%20Case%20Studies/J
.%20Malto.html
http://www.news.cornell.edu/releases/Feb99/aromatase.hrs.html
http://www.nbb.cornell.edu/neurobio/bass/bass.html
... : ahb3@cornell.edu
http://www.tmin.ac.jp/sympo/98/tsuruo.html
http://www.tmin.ac.jp/sympo/98/shinoda.html
http://soma.npa.uiuc.edu/labs/greenough/statements/rswain/hormones.html
Okay... get this. Estrogen is what masculinizes
the brain. How's that? Well,
the default state of the human is female.
Developing ovaries produce very
little hormones, but developing testes
produce several, including
testosterone. When testosterone reaches
the brain of a developing fetus, it
is converted into estrogen by the aromatase
enzime. So it is actually
estrogen in the brain of developing
fetuses that cause them to masculinize.
Wow... cool.