03-Feb-01
Hey everyone. I spent 5 more hours
in RK's chair last night, which is now enough to clear my entire face.
Next Friday we do all the stuff below my jaw line (for the first time).
The good thing is the face is clear enough to be able to skip a week. After
RK's, NB and I went over to CH's place, where she lent me the first two
printed collections of a comic strip called 'Sluggy Freelance', which is
an internet cartoon, found at www.sluggy.com . This morning I got up at
about 10 and went over to Beep's. We spent the late morning/early afternoon
together, and went shopping. It was nice.
A new trans support group is going to start next Wednesday. Cool, that will make the third dedicated trans support group here in St. Louis. Just a year ago, I don't think there were ANY! Now, three... Gateway Trans-men Organization, MCC trans support group, and now St. Louis Effort for Aids is supporting one. I'm also still working with Growing American Youth. Good group. I occasionally see members out and about. It's kind of neat.
08-Feb-01
Well, I contacted a lawyer concerning
legal change of name and gender, and I took the MMPI yesterday. After that,
on my way back to work, I went through the drive through and the person
said 'have a nice day ma'am'. (smile)
I spoke with Human Resources earlier this week, and they said everything would be ready by end of next week for me to start informing my project manager and team leaders about my intent to transition.
I'm nervous. I think 'scared' might be a better description. Ever do something and get the feeling you don't have a fucking clue what you're getting into? (laugh) Well... that's my life.
13-Feb-01
At work today, someone entering the
restroom again gave me the now familiar look. The look of confusion when
a man wonders if he accidentally wandered into the lady's room, followed
by the understanding they are in fact in the men's room. Then wondering
why a woman is in the men's room only to finally settle on the idea that
I was in fact male, but looked very female. I can see this play out in
their eyes in a split second. It sucks.
On the good side, I went out with MM and PA(2) this weekend to a department store in a mall down town and was not read all day. THAT was cool. It was a real ego boost to know I pass without question as a female. Even my voice appears to be passable, something I'd worried about for quite some time. While out, I bought a very simple red dress for an upcoming StLGF meeting. It's supposed to be 'members in red' night.
So, now I'm stuck with my 'boy-mode' being ridiculously thin, and I'm being read female about half the time while dressed as a boy, although I must admit I'm not trying real hard to look like a boy. I keep my hair down, I don't bind my chest, etc. I wear girl jeans and sneakers on Fridays (casual day) at work.
I sit here thinking on old memories.
I never let myself examine my feelings for my friends in high school, but
I can sit here and remember clearly when I stayed overnight one evening
with a friend. I was lying on the floor
beside his bed. We were just talking,
and I wanted so badly to crawl in bed beside him and cuddle. Thinking back
on that now, I find it so sad that I couldn't act on my feelings, and I
wonder how my high school years would have gone had I been a girl. It's
making feel very weird to think of my friends this way, and I'm sure it
would make them feel even more odd. How do I go about resolving my past,
seeing my old friends without this weird shit happening? I need to go home
to Ohio, and see my friends. I think they need to see that I'm okay, in
the head I mean. They need to see that my path is making me much happier.
I guess I fear that they'll put pressure on me to stop my transition. I've even had bizarre daydreams of them attempting an intervention. (laugh) I wonder if they feel it's all for my own good, or if it's just to make them more comfortable. Damn, I wish I didn't have to do this at all. But I do. And facing my friends, and salvaging what I can of my friendships is important to me.
My friend SE called Saturday night. He had a testicle removed because of cancer. He also has spots on his nymph nodes. If it's not stopped, it'll pretty much kill him. He's 7 days younger than I am. This is the third friend of mine to bring up cancer. However, he actually HAD it, had a teste removed and is going to start chemo. And he's the youngest member of the group of friends I hung with in High School. I was the next youngest.
I guess I find it a sad irony that I may be a breast cancer victim some day. I WON'T get prostate cancer though. (smile)
My MMPI results... (sigh) boring...
No depression or anxiety. I'm creative
and intellectual in my interests (and away from stereotypical masculine
interests), the validity scores showed that I was extremely honest in my
answers. I am nonconventional in my methods. I have indicators similar
to people with strong religious or political leanings. I am somewhat self
critical and may tend to be moody. I feel that I do not handle day to day
stresses well. It shows me nothing I didn't already know.
26-Feb-01
I had 5 hours of electro Friday, and
have another 5 scheduled for this evening (Monday). RK is moving me from
Friday nights to Monday nights. In some ways it's really good, but in other
ways, it really bites. My advisor meetings for Growing American Youth are
on Mondays. So I don't know what to do about that. Not to mention that
if I take pain killers for the electro session and then have to drive home,
getting up on Tuesday mornings should be just LOADS of fun. It also means
that I'll be somewhat red and blotchy through the early part of the week
at work. And I won't be able to shave through the weekend for StLGF meetings
and the like.
On the positive side, it will free up my Friday evenings for Open Full Moon rituals with CAST, and allow me at least one evening a week to visit with CH. It also means that I can shave during the week so I can go full time more easily (I hope).
I think I may shoot for Mid-April or beginning of May for full time. I'm nervous, but as others have said, I'd probably be crazy NOT to be nervous.
27-Feb-01
Heh... I'm supposed to meet sometime
soon with my project manager and some other folks about going full time.
I just got hit with this weird sense of deja vu. In two days, it will have
been a year from when I tried this the first time at my old company. Lets
hope this time works better.
I tried Percocet yesterday instead of hydrocodone. They seem to work about the same for killing pain of electro. It seems that overall electro is less painful because the hairs are less densely packed, so there's not as much work in a given area. I had my left cheek, under my jaw on the left side, and chin cleared last night. As far as area goes, I'd say it was a little more than half the total surface area. That means that a total clearing would probably only take 10 hours. That's good to know. I'm getting closer. The shadow on my face is less and less. Soon, it'll be just the stragglers.
I spent the first 10 months of electro with RK doing 5 hours every two weeks. Now I'm doing 5 hours a week, so the progress will be much more noticeable, I hope. It's just frustrating knowing that this crap keeps growing back if they're not active follicles. And each time I find a bristly hair on my face, I just want to yank it out, but I have leave it alone for RK to get.
My car had a severe oil leak that started last night, so I took my car to be repaired this morning. It ended up not being too expensive, which is good. While at home, waiting for the service station to call back, I took a nap. I kept dreaming about electro and the pain involved. That's kind of weird, since I usually don't think about it at all, and try hardest not to think about it WHILE it's going on (laugh).
A few months back, I spent an entire day dreading the thought of doing electro. That was probably the worst session I'd ever had. It is really best to not consider pain. The pain only affects me while it's actually happening now, especially with the prescription pain killers. Each individual hair I can take, it's only when the pain from one hasn't died down and the next one hits, and they compound. After a short time, it becomes unbearable. Just TRY to ignore being stung in the face for 5 hours. And some girls do 15 hours in a day! Ack!!
I don't want any of this to frighten those of you who may read this and be considering transition, but I also want to paint a realistic picture of this experience. As it is, Laser treatment doesn't work permanently. So, electro is the only option. Kind of funny that I have to be much tougher to become a girl than I ever was as a boy. Under torture of electro, I know I can make it through only because I know there is no choice. I accept that I will have to go through SRS, not because I like being chopped up, but because I have no other method of change. What transsexuals do, they do NOT because they want to, but because they need to be on the outside who they are on the inside, and if that means wading through hell, then so be it. But don't fool yourself for a minute into thinking we LIKE it.
All this to gain the inner peace most people are born with and take for granted.
Oh, I found out this evening that SE
doesn't have any spread of cancer. Good to know. Whew... I was somewhat
concerned for him.