01-Mar-01
Tomorrow, I go over the letters I intend to present to management and coworkers with HR. Then the letters will be given to the account manager, project manager, and VP. Monday, I sit down with them to discuss the issue at hand.

I have a cold, and my stomach has been rolling, but I don't know how much is the cold and how much is nerves over coming out at work.

I told the receptionist at work today. I've gone to lunch with her a few times and I really kind of like her. She was very understanding and sweet. I'm quite relieved. For some reason, it seems more important to be accepted by the females than the males. I don't know why.

I just sort of feel all alone at work, most of the time. No one can really understand what I'm going through, particularly the guys, who are the ones that tend to want a social relationship with me. Women tend to have social relationships with other women, and men with men. I think maybe the sexual tension interferes otherwise.

03-Mar-01
Well, it went okay yesterday. I think I've told so many folks lately that I'm sort of numb to it now. Still a little nervous about the meeting Monday. This upcoming week, I intend to go apply for a legal name change. Whee!

05-Mar-01
The meeting with the folks at work was brief, and to the point. I am supposed to send out a printed letter to my coworkers this Friday, and will be able to come to work next Monday dressing however I am most comfortable. Frightening, but very cool. So, I guess this is the weekend I go out and buy bras and such.

That whole thing was just very cool. Work is the big thing I wondered about. Every coworker I've told so far has been very cool about all this though.

Well, I posted the letters I wrote for employees and management in the writings section. I hope that these may be used to inspire others when it's their time.

Wow... full time. This is really cool. (giggle) After surviving the fear of going into the meeting this morning, It was a great feeling to know I'm going to be allowed to be who I am. I need to keep in mind how much work all this is going to be, and not be a lazy ass about it.

11-Mar-01
Okay... it's been a hectic week.

Ann's Bra shop:
So... after being told I was going full time Monday, I went out to a custom fit bra shop Tuesday afternoon with CH. I desparately needed the moral support. Well, I get there and signed my name on a list to be assisted, then was just browsing with CH, when I hear this patron say something about why a MAN was in the shop. Keep in mind I had come directly from work. Then, when the assistant called my name, I was approaching her and another lady walked past her, the assistant asked the lady if she was Lynn, and the lady said no. I stood about three feet in front of her and she continued to scan the store for 'Lynn', looking right through me. Finally I told her I was Lynn, and she went right to work, I told her I thought I was about a 40B, she measured and said 40B it was. She brought a selection of bras for me to try on, and I was left in the little curtained dressing room. After trying on the first one I was about to try on the second one when a little girl, maybe 2 or 3 opened the curtain and stood there staring at me. I said 'Excuse me, could you please close the curtain?', and she went off to her mom, saying 'Mom, there's a boy in the dressing room!'. Her mom said 'There's no boy in the dressing room dear'. When I came out of the dressing room, the mother of the little girl gave me the most evil look a human face could produce. I was obviously invading on their territory. I felt like shit. Luckily, CH was there and we ran off to get chinese food.

Later I had an appointment with my therapist, which I had time to get dressed for. It was the first time she saw me en femme. I think she was impressed.

Thursday Outings:
I told about 5 coworkers Thursday. They all went surprisingly well. Our receptionist, who I'd told some time back, informed me that one of my coworkers was not likely going to take it well. Just the knowledge of how she might react depressed me so bad I went home at the end of the day and cried. I went to the Growing American Youth meeting that evening and it was like all my courage was restored by these kids who were taking every bit of the mental punishment I was taking, and still showing such love and strength. Some times I feel like I'm masquerading as an advisor, when I'm actually one of them.  It was like they healed me. It was such a wonderful feeling.

Friday Outings:
After having the time to mentally prepare, and having my courage restored, I went in to work and started with the lady I suspected I'd have problems with. After telling her, her exact words were 'What you're doing is an abomination in the eyes of the God, and you will be judged for it'. Well, I guess I can't expect any encouragement from HER! (LOL). Had I not been forewarned, it might have been a painful blow. As it is, I was ready, and told her 'Well, I thank you for your honest response'.  Dear Christians: Keep in mind, you are NOT supposed to judge, but to love your neighbor unconditionally. Think about it! Aside from that, everyone else either didn't really care, or were very supportive. I was really rather impressed with how everyone handled this.

Saturday... StLGF Follies & other happenings:
Saturday was a great day, beginning with sleeping in late. Then CH, DB, NB, and I visited CB and RK briefly, before going out to a state park for a walk in the woods on a beautiful sunny afternoon. Then we went to TGI Friday's for dinner. NB and I then went home to get ready for the StLGF's annual Follies, which is mostly like a drag show, but with money raised going to local AIDS organizations. MM performed, and the outfit she wore almost made me swallow my tongue! (laugh) Maybe I'll post pics! (evil laugh). After the show, MM came over the the apartment and hung out till about 12:30. Just after she left, Aoi showed up. She had just left a meeting where employees were discussing their company going under and how all their paychecks had bounced. Eww!

Sunday (today):
I invited Aoi out to go shopping with me for blouses for work. We had a pretty good afternoon. Afterward, NB and I went for a walk with Beep, then out for dinner at Pho Grand. Now, here I sit... only hours away from going to work as a female. I'm so excited, and nervous... (smile) I hope I'll be able to sleep this evening...

I have been pretty much in girl mode since Tuesday evening aside from work, and have made special effort to actually look unmistakably female. It's been somewhat a pain at times (yes, and I've only been doing it for a week, sigh) but has been worth it. I may get read occasionally, but I really don't give a shit at this point. It's just SO great getting to be ME!!

13-Mar-01
Well, the entry I wrote for yesterday got lost, so here's a recap of my first day at work 'full time'. No major problems. One of my coworkers brought me flowers, a card, and a big pink hanging paper butterfly, which he put over my cubicle.

The new building we're in is kind of nice. It has a unisex/disabled restroom that I use. One toilet, a sink, and a door that locks. I think I have it better than most others actually. There's also a cafeteria in the building. I had a cheeseburger from there yesterday for lunch. It was pretty good.

Electro with RK went well last night. I had my upper lip, most of my chin, and some of my neck cleared. I think it was about half my face total. That's great, because that means every other session, I have my whole face cleared. I think I'm within a month or two of clearing every session. My upper lip only took a little over 2 hours last night. That's great,  considering how long it'd been since it was last cleared.

It's really nice being full time. Give me a few weeks and maybe the song will change, but for now, I'm pretty happy about it all. Makeup only takes about 15-20 minutes in the morning, so that's no big deal. Tucking rather sucks, but that's got more than a year to go before I can change that.

I think if the money were available, I'd prefer to get the surgery over with ASAP. Living this way, presenting one gender, and anatomically being another doesn't appeal to me. However, I don't even have legal identification that has 'Lynn' on it yet, so maybe I'm just jumping the gun a little.

I'm going through the unpleasant task at work of having my name changed on all my documentation. Oh, what fun (That was sarcasm, in the event that you missed it).

It's funny. I've told my coworkers what's up, but something happened just a moment ago. I looked down and saw my breast, and panicked for a moment, afraid that someone might figure out what was going on. The reflex to hide this is strong. Even after coming completely out, I still occasionally feel like I need to hide it. It's an old reflex. This past Saturday, NB and I were at a bagel shop, and a man walked past who for an instant looked like a coworker. My heart leapt for fear of being discovered.

14-Mar-01
There may be a problem at work with other folks who I work with that are not on my team. No one outside my work group has been informed of my transition, so when I go to meetings and interact outside of my team, I get odd looks and leave people confused.

I turned into a hall way at work this morning and a lady turned in from the opposite direction. She immediately looked shocked, then began to laugh. She tried to turn her face away but not before I saw her expression. Somehow that caught me off guard, and I had to rush into the restroom, where I had a little emotional battle ending with me sobbing. I know I can't control other people, and I can deal with them thinking I'm crazy or in the grips of Satan or whatever, but I didn't handle being laughed at. That hurt in a way I wasn't prepared for.

The good news is that I have a female coworker who has been very supportive and went to lunch with me. We talked and it gave me a chance to calm down.

15-Mar-01
I went home early from work yesterday on the advice of my team leader. I was something of a emotional mess. The trans meeting at MCC last night was very good, and ended up being just what I needed. Another girl there is going to go full time soon and was interested in hearing what to expect. I hope my experiences can help her prepare, just as CH's experiences helped me.

As painful as yesterday was for me, I woke up this morning with renewed courage. Every morning, I get to decide what kind of day I'll face. I've decided that none of them are hopeless. With the stuff that happened yesterday, I had to fight back to old feelings of hopelessness, and fear. The urge to end the bad joke that can be my existence crept in again. It's such a weak voice now that silencing it is not too hard, but I fear that it will always have some dusty little corner of my psyche.

The new receptionist took me for GG. The waiter at lunch yesterday took me for GG. I've only had a few people that I felt read me since going full time, that is aside from coworkers, who already have the preconceived notion that I'm male. They're not seeing me with open eyes.

No, it's not all bad. There is the newfound liberation of being able to discuss what I'm going through with coworkers, not that many of them WANT to know what I'm going through. I also have no need to hide any mannerism now. I'm fully 'out'. Now, I just need to adjust to the notion that not everyone will accept this change.

Just a note. I've been wearing a bra pretty much constantly for over a week, and I'm mostly used to them now. It's not one of the things that I'm thrilled with, but I know it's necessary. My breasts are a bit sore today, which usually means they're growing. That's cool. I hope to fill this B cup unmistakably soon.

As of 10:30 this morning, the unisex/disabled restroom on the 6th floor was marked with a sign saying 'out of order', but the toilet and sink worked fine. I have the odd feeling that I am unwanted there, and this is another not-so-subtle way of telling me so. I know it's just paranoia, but it's a hard feeling to shake.

I have about $160 dollars to last till the end of the month. I think I may be able to pay filing fees for a name change and afford gas through the rest of the month. I'm sick of the confusion about my name. Simply put, I also don't LIKE my old name.

I've been told that Metallica had an article in Playboy, where the band members were interviewed just before Jason Newstead left the band. CH told me that there was something in the article about Kirk Hammet and Lars Ulrick kissing, and that James is extremely homophobic. I had a weird dream last night about being part of a Metallica concert, and the band finished the show and parted. The End of Metallica. Funny, since they always sort of symbolized the last vestige of my anger and masculinity. The dream went on with them trying to part friends, with Jason being visited by Cliff Burton in the form of a spirit, and Kirk wading out into the tide of the ocean, with a skull, like a demon's, in one hand, to swim out and drop it into the deep water. The end of Metallica. The death of the last vestige of my masculinity. 'Fuck it all, and fucking no regrets.'

Tonight's another Growing American Youth group meeting. Those meetings are one of the highlights of the week for me.

19-Mar-01
Well, I'm still alive. Friday, I went to the 1st circuit court building and filed for legal name change. My court date is April 2nd. Filing fees were $132 dollars, and I understand that it will take another $40 to publish the name change after it's done.

While I was calling numbers looking for how to do the name change, I was given 3 "ma'am" and 1 '"sir". Not bad. At the courthouse itself, I had everyone I encountered, with one exception, refer to me as 'her', 'she', etc. So, my voice is 75% passable over the phone, and with visual cues, I'm about 90% passable. It was a good real life test. I'm usually aware of when I get read, or at least when people aren't sure.

Going full time, and honestly not going into public unless I'm presenting female, has been an interesting experience. It requires half an hour more to get ready, which isn't too bad, I guess. Watching my voice has been the hardest part. I can maintain a decent voice for short amounts of time, but it gets worse during prolonged conversation. I'm hoping with constant use, it will strengthen.

I have five more hours of electro this evening. Joy. I wonder if I'll get completely cleared? I kind of doubt it. It feels like my cheeks are still very hairy, but you can't see most of them. They're transparent. So, it doesn't hurt my ability to pass. It just makes them feel nasty and scratchy. I think I'm having the area under my neck done today. Left-over time will
probably go to working on my chin, then my cheeks. I will be so glad when electro is over. It wears at me. It's become a permanent (and expensive) fixture in my life, and I'm just not into the whole pain thing. I want very badly to start saving for SRS, and the expense of electro prevents that.

Money has been a real issue lately. I am constantly broke by the end of the month. I need to buy more clothing, but the funds aren't available.

The legal name change will be to 'Elizabeth Lynn' if it goes through. I like the name. I wonder if I'll like it in two months, or fifteen years from now. It occurred to me that I'll need to inform all my family/friends/etc that the name has changed.

20-Mar-01
Good day. 5 more hours of electro last night cleared my cheeks and chin. Next week will be upper and lower lips, and neck, if there's any time left. I have no foundation on today, and my cheeks, and especially my jaw line, are a bit blotchy, but I don't care.

It's tough going to sleep at midnight after a full day (including 5 hours of electro) and getting up at 5:45 AM the next morning. Ugg. Well, I knew it wasn't going to be great heaping loads of fun, now didn't I?

13 days to go until my court date for my name change. (big smile) I'm excited and nervous. I want so badly for it to go through without a hitch.

I'm tired of feeling like my coworkers see me as a freak. Just having a few of them who snub me really bothers me. I'm the same person I was before. Funny that they don't treat me that way. My team lead sees me as male. So does everyone else, with the exception of a few folks who didn't know me before transition ... as in two weeks ago. (laugh)

GTO meets tonight. I find it to be one of the better trans support groups. And while it doesn't really matter, because the duration isn't vastly longer, it is the oldest TS support group in St. Louis. GTO is the Gateway Trans-men Organization. It was formed for F-t-M's and their partners. I go as NB's partner. I really like that group and it's members. But then, every group is really just the sum of its membership. Being a part of that group has given me the chance to understand transsexuality from another perspective, much like being part of the StLGF has given me a broader understanding of the entire transgendered spectrum. Working with Growing American Youth has shown me how the line between the gay community and the transgendered community is blurred, and often intersects.

So, every third Tuesday of the month is the GTO meeting. Wednesdays alternate between EFA and MCC trans support groups, and Thursdays are Growing American Youth. Cool.

21-Mar-01
NB and I showed up for the GTO meeting last night and waited for nearly 15 minutes until the next (and only other person showed up), LB. LB is about to begin hormone therapy, I believe. He usually just sits quietly in the meetings, so it was actually great to give him the spotlight for the evening. I grilled him about his personal life and such. He asked a lot of questions about the process of transition from my perspective.

I keep having this weird feeling like I should have a ceremony to lay my old persona to rest. Almost like a funeral. Even with his anger, he was a really nice guy, ya know?

Is it odd that I think of the past tense of myself as another person? I showed LB my old driver's license last night, and it sort of struck me that the picture wasn't me. It was someone who looked like my brother. The name on the license wasn't what I go by. Is it any surprise that there's a mental disconnection when the person I was three years ago just isn't who I am today?

This evening is the St. Louis Transgendered Support Group (StLTSG). MM should be coming over early for that. She sort of lives over here now. (smile) Well, at least two nights a week she's here. Sometimes I start to go into MM withdrawal, so it's good she's over so often. (smile). I keep telling NB that I want to adopt her. (laugh)

If I go a few more evenings without 8 hours of sleep, I think I may need a nap day. I feel rather exhausted. I feel that way a lot.

My team leader constantly refers to me as 'he' or 'him'. Sometimes he catches himself afterward and apologizes. Most of the time he doesn't even realize what he said. This wouldn't bother me, except the day will come when someone who didn't know me before transition will overhear, and I will be 'outed'. I think the problem is that he does not accept me as female. He will just always see me as a strange little gay man in women's clothing.

His inability to make that change has hurt. It makes me feel like a failure. It makes me feel like less than human. I know how tough it is to change your view of gender once it's set, but I don't know if he's trying. I don't think what he's doing is intentional or malicious, but it still hurts.

My project manager now glances down at my chest while talking to me. Funny, he never did that before. (frown)

Sometimes I just get so tired of all this.

22-Mar-01
Victory!! I came into work this morning and was greeted by the security guard, Jerry. As I was showing him my ID badge to get in, he said he recognized me, and that I looked just like a lady he'd worked with for many years. We spoke for a while, and I found out we are both ex-Air Force. He spent a LONG time in and retired. Wow... Our conversation was maybe 10 minutes long, and he showed no signs of reading me. THAT is very cool.

I was told today by my project manager that some folks are afraid of legal issues about me, so some folks are walking on eggshells. (sigh) I hate litigation.

Some days I'm accepted, or at least feel accepted. Some days I feel like a total outcast. I wonder if those feelings ever change?

23-Mar-01
Caution: All of today's post is me free thinking, rambling and speculating, you may wish to skip it if such meanderings are prone to cause you headaches. (laugh)

'Norm'
Let me assume that heterosexuals see everything that they do as natural. Men being attracted to women is the way it's supposed to be. Why do men get with women? Because there is an attraction. Men are sexually excited by the prospect of being with women and vice versa. That's heterosexuality. They can imagine performing sex acts with people of the same sex, but it's gross, or seems wrong to them, and they never question the fact that it is biological hardware controlling that response.

Some questioning people try new things, and some find that those things feel more natural, or that they feel somehow wrong. Society as a whole decides what 'normal' is. If 90% of the population is a certain way... in this case heterosexual, societal norm will say being any other way is not normal, and therefore bad.

Not so long ago, actually within my mother's generation, left handed children were forced to learn to write right handed, because being left handed was bad. Sinister means left. Being left handed was thought to be wrong. But about 30% of the people in the world are left handed.

'Nature vs. Nurture'
Can a left handed person be taught, against their nature, to write with their right hand? Well, yes, obviously they can, but that does not change the fact that they are left handed. Social pressure can also make a homosexual person live in a heterosexual relationship, but it does not keep them from being homosexual.

Let me add to the confusion. There is a small fraction of fully ambidextrous people. They are equally comfortable using their left OR right hand. Is this the same as sexual orientation? I believe so. Bisexuality is to sexual orientation what ambidexterity is to handedness.

Carry this concept on to gender identity. A person usually has an innate understanding of their gender that matches their external anatomy. But that's not always the case. Transsexuality is like being left handed. It is acting to become the gender role that is most natural, most innate, to that individual, regardless of apparent sex.

'Why?'
Why does left handedness happen in humanity? Does it have any merit to the survival of an individual or the species? What about homosexuality? What about transsexuality?

There are statistically higher percentages of left handed individuals in both the homosexual and transsexual subsets than in the normal populace. Is there a correlation between handedness, sexual preference, and gender identity? Sexual orientation and gender identity both appear to be hard coded in the Hypothalamus. Is this also where handedness is encoded? The  development of the hypothalamus may then be a single unifying key to these variances in humanity.

There is evidence that trans people are statistically higher in intelligence than the norm. It can also be said that depression is much higher in this group, as well as in left handed people and in homosexuals. Are these related in a biochemical way, or is the depression an effect of fitting in poorly in 'normal' society?

Right brain function is creative, and left brain function is logical. Left handed people are inclined to be right brained. This has to do with motor control for the body actually occurring in the opposite side of the brain. Perhaps then, a better statement is to ask about right brained people, not left handed people, as left handedness is simply an external sign of brain function.

Are right brained people more likely to use their creative brain function to step out of the societal norm and explore their natural tendancies? Perhaps there are many more transsexual and homosexual people in the world than we think, but they stay in line with societal expectations. This would explain why left handedness shows up more often in homosexuals and transsexuals.

While higher than average intelligence may be noted in transsexuals, this may likewise be due to the fact that only transsexuals with higher intelligence can work through the mental roadblocks leading them to the point of accepting and performing transition. There may be many transsexuals who never face transition. Perhaps the social pressure to stay closeted is too high to overcome.

Evidence...
I keep wondering how, when I present people with evidence supporting my argument that transsexuality is not a decision, that I am so often received so coldly. Let us assume that transsexuality (or homosexuality for that matter) could be 'cured'. There have been some religious organizations that have had people who claimed to be homosexual that have changed, given up homosexuality, reformed, repented, etc. Did their faith in God fix their
homosexuality? Well, first off, the rate of these people remaining heterosexual is not very good. It is also often the case that they simply chose celibacy. Because of the high failure rate, it appears that instead of curing these people of homosexuality, what is happening is that they are making a monumental effort to act in a way that is socially acceptable. More
truthfully, it is acting in a way that is calculated to gain them acceptance in their social groups. After a time though, they lose the fight against their own internal sense of sexuality. It cannot be changed. It can be acted against, but that causes stress.

Making decisions.
Do homosexuals and transsexuals make a choice to be the way they are? No. However, they do chose to act on their feelings. While being homosexual takes a little conscious effort to act upon, transsexuality is something that is most definitely premeditated. Transition never happens as an accident. A person may get drunk and act on a homosexual impulse, but no one gets drunk and runs off for a sex change.

In our culture, homosexuality is more and more widely accepted. It can be understood that something approaching 10% of the population is homosexual. At that ratio, a subculture can be formed. One of my most amusing experiences has been watching homosexuals be drawn into something of a stereotype. If you're gay, you have to be this way, act this way, like these things. Finding acceptance of their sexuality meant conforming to a new societal norm. I find this somewhat sad. We should all be accepted, regardless of our individual differences.

26-Mar-01
I keep getting this idea to put a cute sign up in my cubicle of the transgenderd symbol. Then, it occurs to me that it annoys the hell out of me when I see religious symbols in other people's cubicles, so why would I want to do the same?

A wiccan friend of mine frequently wears a pentacle in public. I call it 'flying the colors'. I prefer to go with no signs showing, no religious, political, or sexual/gender symbols. I did think a bumper sticker I saw was cool...'Girls RULE'. No rainbow stickers, no triangles, no Mars/Venus hybrids.

I think it becomes clear to me that I am NOT a pagan, or Wiccan, but a universalist. I think whatever path someone finds to God is a good path. It's the "I'm right and you're wrong" mentality that I have problems with. We are all different. It stands to reason that we would all come to enlightenment in different ways.

27-Mar-01
I'm still feeling sort of outcast at work. Most of those feelings are from Christians... or people who profess to be Christians.

I've been writing a letter, over and over, to my brother DW. Another loss in my life due to people refusing to look at reality, and instead seeking answers in words thousands of years old written by a bunch of women-hating, enslaving, homophobes. Great. Why bother with the bible? We all have a personal relationship with God. Why not talk to him directly? Would each of us get the same answer? Is it possible God gives different answers to
different people?

Electro went well last night. RK cleared my upper lip, lower lip, and chin. Those are the densest areas on my face. I'm pretty happy that all that was cleared in one session.

I've been practicing a new signature, for when my name is changed. I did this once before when I was in basic training. My long, slow signature was replaced with an illegible scribble. Now, with the new name, I again get to reinvent my signature. This time, it's a flowing feminine circular script. It'll take longer to sign than my 'doctor scribble', but it fits me much better now. I look forward to writing it for many years into the future. (smile)

There is this odd sensation I'm experiencing. Coming out to everyone is something of a rush. Facing such a moment of fear and emerging triumphant is almost addictive. Now, the commotion settles down, and I'm left, not feeling special, but just ignored. Those who accept me treat me normally. Those who don't accept me sort of act like I don't exist. Mostly I'm left feeling utterly normal. What an odd feeling, fighting so long for normalcy, and not knowing if I like it now. I think that feeling may have come from being in the eye of a storm for so long. My reflexes to always brace against the next wave... and there being no next wave. I'm left thinking 'what now' when there is nothing else... not for more than a year. Now is when I settle into my new gender role.

28-Mar-01
Another day. What will it bring? I got an e-mail from an old coworker and friend last night. He was given the URL to my web site by another mutual friend. He said he nearly had a heart attack when he read the page. He went on to say he hoped some day that I'd find Jesus.

I'm finding this really funny, in a totally unfunny, sick, morbid way. I finally make peace with God and people keep trying to tell me how to find Him.

I was told the other day by a biblical scholar that the line 'No one comes to the father but by me' in the bible was added in the 14th century. So, okay... at what EXACT date do we draw the line and say 'from this point on, no one can add to or subtract from the bible?' I might even be able to say that someone from the third century could add to the bible, but not subtract. NB told me about the infancy gospel of St. Thomas last night, which was somehow left out of the bible. That's kind of funny, since there's this HUGE gap in age in the life of Jesus. I guess someone didn't like it, and it was left out.

Again, please feel free to discard the bible in it's entirety. It is a good work for some understanding of morality. It has some useful parables, but is NOT a history book, and should definitely NOT be used as a guide for every action in your life.

Jesus led by example, preaching unconditional love. Are you trying to tell me that a wife staying in an abusive relationship because the Bible says she should obey her husband is somehow Godly, and a homosexual couple in a loving, nurturing relationship is evil? Bull SHIT!!

Am I supposed to believe that a 'Christian' telling me I'm an abomination in the eyes of the lord (funny, sounds like a judgement to me) is holy, and I, who take her critical comments and still treat her the same am somehow in the wrong?

The sheer audacity of Christianity in general sickens me. Having been raised Baptist, I tried very hard to hear God in my life. What I heard instead was the voice of people professing to be the messengers of God. And the message they spread was two-faced self-righteous crap.

Do you see these holier-than-thou Christians holding the hand of a man dying of AIDS? Do you see them leaving their tidy upscale neighborhoods in their Lincoln Towncars to drive downtown to soup kitchens? Or do they just sit on their asses and say 'You're a bad person. God loves me and hates you'. God loves us all equally.

It does not MATTER if a man dying from AIDS contracted it due to a homosexual relationship, intervenous drug use or blood transfusion. You should love him no less, and give him comfort. Would Jesus have done any different?

Your task as a Christian AS STATED BY JESUS in that bible you are all so proud to loudly thump, is twofold: Love God with all your heart; and love your neighbor as yourself. That's it. You are not supposed to judge. You may tell others of the good news of Jesus Christ, but guess what? I KNOW all that. It is not your job to cram it down anyone's throat.

I spend my Thursday evenings listening to teens say that they were kicked out of their houses for coming out. Or hearing them talk about problems of depression, substance abuse, suicide. Major life issues brought on by rejection by family and friends. God does NOT hate fags. God does not hate anyone. Only homophobic assholes hate fags.

Against these pressures, the Gay/Lesbian/Bi/Trans youth still blossom, spreading love and compassion. Who then is more closely following the example set forth by Jesus?

I think I'd just write off Christianity as a whole except many people I love are Christians. So, I find myself trying to deal with people with blinders on.

(steam, fume, boil) Sigh... I need to move on to a new subject.

The founder of the (oops, this isn't really moving on to a new subject...) MCC support group sends me e-mails occasionally with Christian themes. I told her I wasn't Christian, and I think that spurred her on to trying to save my soul. Even in the trans community, there are people trying to show me the path to God. (another sigh)

Dear everyone... I spoke to God. He showed me the direction my life is supposed to go. If you don't like it, take it up with him. I am not asking you to follow me, idolize me, emulate me, or in any way consider that my path is valid for you, but it IS valid for ME. I speak to God quite often, and mostly he doesn't speak back. I am left knowing that I'm doing the right thing only by my feelings of serenity and the weight of my heart. That is primarily how God speaks to me, through my heart. No words, no suggestions, just governing me by allowing me to stagger blindly until I find what lifts my burdens, calms my sleep, and feels right. On nights when I'm on the right path, I go to sleep knowing that if I died that night and were to stand before God, my heart would be without burden of guilt, it would be lighter than a feather. I'm sorry if my path troubles you, but that's YOUR problem, not mine.

Against my natural reflex to please everyone, I have been given a path that will draw a lot of flack. That's not my choice. Maybe the entire point of this is for me to learn that the pressures of society are not always right, and to have the strength of conviction to go where others tell me not to. God will tell you where to go with your life, but don't assume that it's the same path as anyone else. Some are called to be priests. Some truck drivers.

I have been called to step over a boundary. One eye male, one eye female, I see both sides. I sat in fear of this change. I hated the thought of having to do this, but it became more and more clear that it needed to be done, against my fear of physical pain, social rejection, monetary expense, frustration, humiliation, and violence.

So, on I press, against the pressures to conform.

I was called into my boss's office today. I am again being told my productivity is down. It's like a recurring nightmare. The time I've taken off is seen as the primary reason for low productivity. Shit. Am I really fucking up that bad, or is it a temporary slip in productivity due to going full time? I guess I just wish I'd been able to start my current job AFTER going full time. I don't want everyone knowing my business. Yeah, I get depressed and ill. I miss work, and I fall behind. If this job fails, I only have myself to blame. Remember that, Lynn. Don't pull that 'Oh, I have allergies, and sleep apnia, and headaches from hormone weirdness, and stress from transition.' Those are all excuses to allow yourself to fail, and
you're better than that. Pull your shit together and move on.

Well now... do I go back to wondering if I'm about to crack? It sure does seem that I'm not the strongest person under pressure. Well, live and learn. Chin up, nose to the grindstone (are there any cliches I've missed?).

Well... in all fairness to my old friend who sent the e-mail last night, he did say he wasn't trying to make me think like him, just to ease my burden. For that I'm grateful. I didn't find peace until I finally turned this over to God, and gave up my ego. I'm still not real happy about this... Well... that's only intermittently true. I wake up happy, and I occasionally find
myself acting without thought to my gender, and realizing I'm still very femme. Being allowed to release those guards has eased my burden.

I wish I'd just been born female though. I have to admit I'm not thrilled about the idea of menstruation, but aside from that, womanhood would be just fine with me. I keep thinking about my team leader's comment, saying that his wife had said TSs have all the benefits and none of the negatives of being female. I guess she doesn't know about dilation, or electrolysis, both facial and genital. Or having to worry about passing. Or being beaten to
death by a scorned lover if they find out that 'she' was once a 'he'.

God... I'm so tired of all this. I just want an end to it all. Sitting in the middle of transition, I look forward and only see more of this. More pain, more frustration. Maybe failure. What can I do when I'm out of courage, out of energy, and still have far to go? Some times I just want to say 'you win', and take the Nestea plunge of the 6th floor balcony. Close, but no cigar. You almost made it Lynn. Instead, you're a grease spot.

I'm tired of the pseudo-Christians, and the electrolysis. I'm tired of the pharmaceuticals. But mostly, I'm tired of the looks people give me. I'm tired of people being unsympathetic because they feel I brought this on myself. I'm tired of feeling like a failure, no matter how hard I try.

I'm not exactly sure why, but I appear to be one big ball of emotion right now.

29-Mar-01
I am worrying myself into insanity. I keep trying to figure out what's wrong with me, why I am so ineffective at work. I realized part of it is because I feel like I'm a ghost. No one says anything to me with the exception of maybe 4 people. Another part of it is that my concentration is non-existent. All my brain power is going toward figuring out how to solve issues of transition. The primary thing is figuring out if there's a way to be accepted in the general populace amongst my coworkers.

My team leader said no one is liked by everyone, but I am more than not liked. I am stared at, and when I say hello, the people staring ignore me. I am a ghost. It's dehumanizing.

All this leads me to getting stressed out, tired, frustrated, and discouraged. Last night I sat and honestly considered that I may fail in my transition. The real life test is just that, a test. There is no guarantee of success. My problem is that there is no alternative to success. If I
screw up too much at work and get fired, I have to start back at square one, looking for a job all over again.

I sometimes think that there would be advantages to starting a new job. Doing that having already gone full time, I would be introduced to all my coworkers as a female. I would be accepted, if considered a bit odd. I would rather stay at my current job though, but I don't know if that'll pan out. There's not really anywhere in the company I can go and get away from being outed.

I have a real problem staying where I'm not wanted. Sometimes I feel like everyone is thinking 'if we ignore (him/her), maybe (he/she) will go away'. That's what I feel like doing... going away. But there's nowhere else to go. So here I stay, feeling like the biggest social reject on the planet.

Maybe I need to move into a socially oriented position, like HR or something, and get away from the techie stuff. I don't know. Nothing seems to be satisfying me, giving me any sense of fulfillment.

Transition sucks, folks.

On the upside, I am constantly amazed at the frequency with which I pass. It's startling. I guess for some reason I don't get read all that much. I don't know why. None of the trans girls I know see themselves fairly. We are all hypercritical of ourselves and somewhat jealous of the good traits of our fellow trans sisters. It's funny, in a sad sort of way. A new girl I've come to know recently, RJ, is in my opinion particularly passable, with a wonderful feminine face, slender build, and very natural female mannerisms. She sees only her own flaws though. She commented last night that my eyes and hair are wonderful. She hates her own hair. She also feels that at 6' tall, she will have trouble finding a man.

Jeez, it's just gushing out this month, huh? Well, welcome to the world of auto-therapy... auto-bots, auto-erotica... autonomic functions... (sigh) (glitch... fizzle,...POP) Cool... I just fried my brain! (laugh)

Humor makes a great escape mechanism. When things get to heavy, it always helps. (smile)

NB was told that his court date for name change will be April 3rd, and that the judge really only cares that people are not trying to perform fraudulent actions in changing their name. Good. That eases my mind a little. That is, of course, assuming we are having the same judge.

I'm still pretty nervous about it. Excited too. I'm sure when it's all over, it will have just been another moment of sickening nervousness followed by a sort of anti-climactic relief.

Then comes the wave of other changes I'll need to make. Driver's license, Social Security card, bank accounts, work info, insurance info, etc. (sigh) I'm tired.

Maybe in a couple years, I'll be able to afford SRS. That just seems so far away... such an unattainable long-term goal and so expensive.

RJ was over till after midnight last night. I'm sort of beat right now. Heh. She gets by on 3 hours sleep. Me, I need about 24.

I guess in years to come, I will be able to look back on this, and see my mistakes clearly. Somehow though, being mired in it keeps me from seeing it clearly. Unfortunate, that.

There is a (very) slim chance that I may be able to get into a Washington University study on differences in brain activity between young and old people. This would allow me to get a PET scan for free, as part of the study. Having a PET scan would allow me to see my neural function, and determine if I had female brain function outside of my gender identity.

30-Mar-01
Last night at G.A.Y. (Growing American Youth) a speaker came in to talk about positive thinking, and stress relief. Part of what she said was that negative thoughts sap our strength. I realized I was letting al my coworkers leech my strength.

So, I came into work this morning, and mentally cut all those connections they were hooking into me. It was like little darts or arrows, with streams of energy flowing from them. I was given a shield to deflect such attacks in the future, and decided to turn it instead into a mirror. I have now set up a three-fold reflection to anyone who judges my actions. I cleared my cubicle space, and set a Venus symbol on the wall so only I can see it. This
is a reminder, first of my true self, and second, of the mirror reference. The effect of taking back that energy was impressive. We'll see how it pans out long term though.

Tonight, I have electro. Since I will be doing the court stuff Monday, RK moved me back to Friday night for this once. Not exactly my favorite way to spend Friday night, but it will give my face time to clear before Monday. I'm really getting excited about this. After the name change/legal paperwork crap, I will basically be done until SRS. I'll be able to create and settle into comfortable routines.

The speaker at G.A.Y. last night also spoke about the power of 'I am...', buying into beliefs. This was something that also came up Wednesday at the MCC support group. Once you go full time, you ARE a woman. I AM a woman now, regardless of what dangles between my legs. I interact with the world as a female, and I find I'm very comfortable doing so.

I was able to chat with the speaker last night briefly, and something she just brought up was that often things have the most fear just before we resolve them. The G.A.Y. group has been more use to me than all the other groups combined, I think. Funny too, how in many ways, I'm as much a teen as the members. I have been thrust back into the place of unfamiliar social situations and hormonal weirdness.

2 ½ days till my legal name change. This is all SO cool! So much has happened in one month... my head is still spinning from it. (smile)

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