02-Apr-01
Here we are. I'm 6 ½ hours away
from legally being Elizabeth Lynn (Lefey).
After the grant for legal name change,
I'll need to rush down to the DMV to
have my license changed. and then have
the name change published in the
court register. Then get my name changed
at the Social Security office. Tax
stuff can wait, I guess.
I went out Saturday, and got a nice
haircut, and hit the 'scholar shop' and
bought a ton of new tops and a couple
new skirts. Then yesterday, Beep and I
went out to K-Mart and I got a couple
pairs of nice earrings.
Assuming all goes well today, this should
be the last hurdle until SRS. I
dreamed last night about it... SRS
that is. It seemed that a brief amount of
discomfort alleviated a lifetime of
wrongs. It scares me, I guess. I just
don't like the idea of going into surgery
for anything, but particularly
having such delicate tissue modified
seems vastly unpleasant.
Uh, well... I have more than a year
to fret over this. I shouldn't use up
all my worry now! (laugh)
Nothing stays in my head long except the 2 PM court appointment.
5 hours and counting ... Tick, tick, tick...
03-Apr-01
Partial victory. I was granted my legal
name change, but at the DMV, they
put 'male' on my new license, despite
my best cajoling. I'll go into more
detail (and rants) on this later. (sigh)
RK and CB had NB and I over for dinner
last night, and afterward, we watched
'Better than Chocolate'. That was an
awesome movie. One of the prominent
secondary characters is a trans lady
who falls in love with a lesbian
bookstore owner. It's a very sweet
movie, and gets rather erotic at times.
The trans character works as a performer
(along with two other characters in
the movie) at a lesbian bar. At one
point she does a song called "I'm not a
f*cking drag-queen" which is so funny,
I nearly wet myself laughing. At
another point in the movie, when she's
called 'dyke', she replies 'thank
you'.
(le-sigh) (a Pepe Le'Pue sigh)
I am in a legal trap.
I am about a month into the 'real life
test' and find that I have massive
discrimination to face. I am presenting
female. I am living female, and I am
hormonally female. I wish to be treated
female, accepted as female, and seen
as female in the eyes of the law.
So what's the problem?
Restrooms.
I live as a female. I present as a female.
Logic (and practical safety)
dictates I should use the ladies' room.
I am required by the Harry Benjamin
Standards of Care to live for a full
year as female before I am eligible for
Sex Reassignment Surgery. I can't get
legal gender change until the surgery
is complete. I can't complete surgery
until a year of living has passed. I
can't legally use the ladies' room
until I'm legally female. I have
therefore been sentenced to a minimum
one year of breaking the law if I wish
to pee in ANY public place.
Beyond that... Sex Reassignment Surgery
(SRS) costs about $20,000. With
other expenses of transition, saving
for SRS is difficult at best. On a very
tight budget, and assuming diminishing
costs of electrolysis, best
reasonable estimate for savings completion
is 18 to 24 months. Two years.
All the while, I am breaking the law
if I use the restroom.
What are the possible solutions?
Live with it, and risk being called
on it at some point.
Try to find an understanding physician
to write a letter stating I had
surgery.
Try to find a DMV manager willing to
give me 'female' without surgery
papers.
Get the laws in the state of Missouri
changed (laugh). ... Why did the name
'Carnahan' just pop into my head? Maybe
laughing is a bit premature.
Explode with rage and indignation at
being marginalized and treated like a
second-class citizen. (yeah, I know
it doesn't solve anything, and therefore
isn't really a solution, but it IS
how I feel)
Just not use restrooms anywhere outside
my apartment.
I mean, what? Should I be grateful that
the legal system allows that
transition can be done at all? That's
just bullshit.
Later...
Well, despite my best efforts, I am
cursed with the legal status of 'male'
until I get my birth certificate and
SSN info updated. What a total pain in
the ass! The SSN linking to my name
is listed as a male. They can't change
the driver's license until I change
my SSN and birth certificate.
Well... I think I can live with just
simply knowing no one can legally call
be by my old name. I am Lynn now, one
step closer to legal recognition. Is
validation THAT important? Yeah, in
some ways it is, but honestly, it will
be born out in day to day routines.
There's a lot of construction going on
in the building in which I work, and
the construction workers seem to
inevitably hold doors for me. How nice!
(smile) Chivalry isn't dead... it's
just in a deep coma!
I'm not always sure how I feel about
being treated like a lady. I'm still
trying to break myself of holding doors
for ladies. Heh... funny.
You'd think I'd be ecstatic over just
the name change, but it somehow feels
like a hollow victory. Maybe I'm expecting
too much too fast.
05-Apr-01
Well... After the EFA support group
last night, NB, RJ, GW and I went to
Denny's and had dessert. We stayed
out kind of late. We seem to do that a
lot with RJ, as she gets by well on
very little sleep.
We set about planning a 'slumber party',
scheduled in a few weeks. We're
going to rent some movies, bring our
makeup, dance, and eat junk food. RJ is
almost giddy about teaching me to dance.
I wish her luck. (Smile)
I feel pretty good today. I was wondering
if everything I mentioned on these
pages are negative. To balance that
out, I guess I need to say that I think
things are going great right now. I'm
tired, but I'm ALWAYS tired. Other
than that, it's like a big exhalation
and moment to relax.
I am still shocked at the frequency
of my passing. I also noticed that the
first words I spoke this morning came
out in my fem voice. I don't really
ever speak in my other voice any more.
Sometimes, when I've spoken for a
long time, I start hearing it slide
back. However, the fatigue is less and
less the longer I use the new voice.
The new name is still kind of sinking
in. (smile) ... Elizabeth... RJ and GW
were talking about calling me 'Beth'.
I still feel like 'Lynn'. Haven't I
gone by enough different names already?
(laugh)
Oh yeah... This is going to be one of
those 'skip this paragraph if you
don't want graphic detail' things.
You've been warned. The skin on the
underside of my penis (the side against
other skin when I'm tucked) is
getting very very thin and delicate.
I think I might have even done a
partial tear or stretch to it while
masturbating a few days ago. I sort of
think the change is partially due to
hormones and partially due to the skin
being kept somewhat moist all the time.
In addition, I still appear to be
'leaking' occasionally, with small
amounts of some sort of ejaculatory fluid
secreting frequently. During orgasm,
I barely produce a few drops of fluid.
So... it's all weird. But I have been
told by other trans girls that it's
normal for my stage of transition,
and shouldn't really worry unless blood
appears in the fluid.
Well... I guess that's all. Good night.
08-Apr-01
I had a great relaxing day today (Sunday).
Last night, CAST had it's Spring Fling dance, which NB and I attended.
I had great fun. Then I slept in till 1 PM. (smile)
NB and I had lunch at that ritzy joint, Taco Bell, and then went for a walk in the woods. It was frickin HOT though, so we were both kinda fried. After that, we went to Border's bookstore and I picked up another copy of 'True Selves', to lend out to a trans youth. I also picked up a copy of 'Making Faces' in soft cover. It's an excellent book on makeup techniques.
11-Apr-01
I have been in training class at work,
at a building which has no unisex
restroom. I have been using the ladies'
room and feel like something of an
intruder.
I also went at lunch today to file for the update of my SSN card.
That is all. Thank you for your attention in this matter
16-Apr-01
There was a meeting of the StLGF this
weekend, and I spoke to several folks
who were discussing depression and
suicide. It's such a pervasive subject in
the trans community. After reading
statistics in a local GLBT paper called
the Vital Voice concerning teen suicide
amongst GLBT and then hearing it
from adults in the trans community,
I had an emotional bubble burst.
We are social creatures, and to be so
totally cut off from our friends and
family, the whole of society in general...
it kills us inside, and leaves us
with no reason to live. Maybe life
sucks this much for everyone, but I don't
think so.
Today at work, I experienced the joy
of sitting on a toilet seat covered
with piss. Oh, what fun! (grumble,
grumble) There should really only be a
very few people who use the unisex/disabled
restroom. I should find the
person and... (evil grin) ... well,
let me think of fitting punishment and
get back with you. (laugh)
30-Apr-01
This is the end of the month. What's
happened since I last wrote? I had a 4
day depression hit. I went to a slumber
party, Beep stabbed me in the heart
(that would be an emotional metaphor,
not a literal assault).
Yesterday, LJ and MA had us over for
dinner. After dinner they presented us
with a cake, commemorating our legal
name changes. I was just speechless.
They're SO sweet!!
Thursday evening, I met a new TS girl, FL's new roommate.
I wrote an article, Q&A with local
therapists who work with the
transgendered community. I also submitted
a piece to the 'Vital Voice', the
local GLBT newspaper.
I went to PFLAG this past Saturday,
and found it humorous that a woman
speaker referred to it as the LGBT
community. Should I refer to it as the
TGLB or TLGB community? (laugh) I think
the word 'queer' would be a good
descriptive umbrella to replace the
alphabet soup, if it didn't have such
negative connotations. At the same
meeting, one lady announced that her
child, previously identifying as lesbian
now identified as gender-queer.
Whatever the fuck THAT means! This
person (the child) seems to be a crusader
for a cause, or someone who needs to
shock the mainstream.
I find it odd that there are so many
people representing the trans community
(here I must laugh, as if there's a
trans community, hah!) who are, for lack
of better term, fruitcakes. Maybe I'm
living in a dream world, and there ARE
no 'normal' transsexuals. I feel that
through all my struggle, I am venting
in a healthy way, dealing with my issues,
and resolving them. Some day I
hope to feel well beyond functional,
all the way to well adjusted. That
would put me far ahead of the vast
majority of the world, I think.
The discussion at PFLAG was on GLBT
in film. I've been thinking off and on
about that for quite some time. When
I was a kid, I knew I was a
cross-dresser. I looked for a role
model. There was 'Clinger' from M.A.S.H.,
but that character was doing it as
a means to an end, not because they felt
compelled. Then the short-lived series
'Bussom Buddies' and again, they were
doing it for a reason, same as the
movies 'Tootsie', and 'Mrs. Doubtfire'.
There have been several teen movies
about a teen adopting the role of the
opposite gender, usually in pursuit
of a heterosexual love interest. What
does that leave trans folks? 'Just
like a woman', 'Pricilla, Queen of the
Desert', ' To Wong Foo...', 'The Crying
Game'. There is a character on the
Drew Carey show that is a cross dresser.
Strangely enough, one of my first
positive role models was a character
from a Japanese animated series called
RoboTech. The character was a freedom
fighter named Lancer, and also a cross
dressing rock star called Yellow Dancer.