01-May-01
I had another 5 hours of electro last
night. My upper lip only took about 40
minutes to clear. MUCH more tolerable
than a whole five hour session just on
my upper lip.
While there, I discussed at length with
RK about post-op life. Apparently,
the rate of post-op suicide is very
high, but moreso among older post-ops.
There is more support, information,
and better surgical procedures for the
newer girls. So many TSs rush to fix
their body just to discover that it
doesn't solve their problems, and often
creates new ones.
My issues of sensitivity to abandonment
will not go away after SRS. My fear
of being 'outed' will always be there.
Every meaningful relationship I form
will reach a stage where I will have
to decide whether I want that person to
know my past. It's not so much a lie
of omission as only sharing information
on a need-to-know basis.
Where I'm at now in transition, I look
at post-op life, and I wonder what it
will be like for me. The gender identity
disorder is always going to be
there. I'm not a male, and I will never
be a normal female. I may pass. I
may be virtually unreadable at some
point, but I will always know who I am
and where I came from. I will always
know I was never a little girl.
I wrote a short piece for the 'Vital
Voice', the local GLBT paper, and the
editor said she'd publish it in this
issue or next. Cool! I'll be a
multi-million dollar author soon. :)
Hey, maybe I could write 'The Survival Guide to Gender Transition'.
04-May-01
I'm so tired of the way people treat
others in this world. A new youth came
to GAY last night. He'd been referred
there by the psychological ward he was
released from. About a week ago, he
came out to his mother, telling her he
was gay. She relayed this to his father
by saying 'your son is a fucking
faggot', and throughout the rest of
the week she continued referring to him
as a faggot. He tried to commit suicide,
and was admitted to the psych ward.
I don't want my view of the world distorted
by the fact that our group sees
a lot of severe cases, but still, the
way
some people react to homosexuality
is appalling.
I think I'm going to be in this issue
or next issue of 'Vital Voice'. Did I
already mention that? It's just a short
article, but I'm happy to get into a
publication with a print run of 25,000.
More alphabet soup stuff. My coworker
jokingly said she thought GBLT was a
'Good Bacon, Lettuce, and Tomato sandwich'.
(laugh)
My therapist has been pressing me to
write letters to DW and Beep about how
their actions toward me have hurt me.
She wishes to begin a technique known
as EMDR to work through these feelings.
A class I had on management involved
a report on eye movement in accessing
memory. But using it in reverse, as a
method of facilitating getting past
memory blocks and speeding recovery
seems a bit like waving chickens over
someone (as in, it sounds like voodoo
or some such) to me.
And if THAT doesn't work, maybe they'll do trephoning on me! (laugh)
11-May-01
I went to the doctor yesterday. I was
exhausted, and had been for days. This
has happened so often lately I can't
even count. This Monday, I went in for
blood work to check hormone levels
and thyroid function. Everything there
looked good. The best my doctor can
guess is that my fatigue is the side
effect of the premarin that I'm on,
so he cut the dosage to a third of what
I was on. I must admit that I am much
more awake this morning, but I can
already feel the tension in my neck
and hands returning, the way it felt
before I began HRT. Yuck. Crud... I
think the dosage will prove too low, and
I'll end up somewhere in the middle
between where I was yesterday, and where
I'm at now.
I just hope the answer came in time
to keep me from getting fired... again.
Even if I'm not terminated for this,
I'll be spending a long time trying to
redeem myself in the eyes of my coworkers.
Nothing new. Worthless tranny
trash I'm sure is how they see me.
I was pulled into my project manager's
office today, and verbally reprimanded
(all this while he stole glances at
my chest, sigh). I feel like there's
nowhere to turn in the company.
Last night, a trans lady showed up to
the GAY group meeting. She's been in
the St. Louis area since September,
and has been trying to find a contact in
the transgendered community. I ended
up getting her contact info for the EFA
trans support group that's meeting
Wednesday, and gave her my e-mail. She
found out about me from one of the
youth in GAY while at the coffee shop
across the street from my apartment.
She'd been looking in gay bars to meet
other TGs, and only met drag queens
that way. Funny that she found her
contact info in a coffee shop.
I feel like I'm sliding back toward
a deep cynicism. I don't like that. I
will never be an eternal optimist,
but seeing everything in such a bitter
light makes my life miserable. I don't
want to be miserable. I keep trying
to find the mental trick to look at
transition honestly and still see the
positive.
What is it finishing transition will
get me? Finally being able to express
myself sexually. Legal status of female.
What else? I'll probably be doing
electro for years after SRS. It's not
like my family or friends will accept
this any more after I've completed
it. They'll just know it's impossible to
undo, a lifelong mistake, as they'll
see it.
It appears that I've worried about a
big breakdown, when I actually have
numerous little breakdowns. I freak
out, I rest, I get back up and try
again. Whew... While I frequently feel
like I fail in the short term, I also
haven't given up, not yet, probably
not ever.
14-May-01
Hi again. I have felt pretty good all
weekend with the decrease of estrogen.
I woke up early (by my standards) both
Saturday and Sunday. Good deal!
I finally posted the first draft of
my Therapist Q&A article this weekend.
It just needs some minor rework before
going to final form.
The president of the StLGF recognized
my work with the Growing American
Youth group at the meeting Saturday.
I thought that was kind of neat. My old
therapist was at the meeting, and I
had a chance to chat with her briefly. I
think my negative feelings toward her
have mostly faded. I realize now that
we were just incompatible. I still
have issues with some of her techniques,
though.
Today is Monday. Guess what I get to do this evening? Electro! Yay. Not.
I finished reading 'The Last Time I
Wore a Dress', a story about a 15 ½ year
old girl put in mental institutions
for aggression, problems with authority,
and not acting like a proper young
lady. It was sad and beautiful. She was
kept in till after her graduation from
high school. It is an auto-biography,
and shocking to think that these sorts
of things were going on in the early
80's. Maybe when I write my autobiography,
I'll cal it 'The last time I
wore a tie'.
We had a new lady start today in our
isle at work. I'm curious to see how
her view of me will evolve. I don't
think she reads me. I can't tell though.
She just returned to work recently
from maternity leave. Her daughter is SO
cute! I felt the same familiar tug
at my heart from that part of me that
wants to be a mommy.
The idea of being accepted unconditionally
in a group of women as a peer is
thrilling, but I'm sure there will
come a point where I will show some sign
of not fitting in. There will always
be something separating me from every
bio girl out there. I will be a woman
who was never a girl. Does that make
sense?
Shit... All this trans stuff just kinda
sucks after a while. It sucks most
knowing there's no way to go back and
undo the past. RK has said the same
thing.
Ah, yes... something that occurred to
me some time ago, and I don't remember
if I wrote it here or not. My feelings
for people, when they become very
strong sort of get confused with sexual
attraction. Closeness, intimacy, and
sexuality are sometimes a very fuzzy
line to me. I have found with females
that while I have attraction that seems
strangely close to sexuality, I
don't really want to do anything sexual
with them. Honestly, until my parts
are fixed, I really don't want to do
anything with anyone. But afterward, I
think the idea of being with NB sexually
just sounds wonderful.
I spoke to PA2 Friday. Her trip to Meltzer's
went fine, her surgeries went
fine, and she is recovering more quickly
than expected. Yay!! Next time I
see her, she'll have boobs! (laugh)
15-May-01
Electro went pretty well last night.
My T level is rising, and I can feel
the old familiar and unwanted anger
returning with the energy. It seems
unfair that I am either very angry or
very tired. Is there no way to be awake
and still passive?
Well.. maybe 'very angry' is an exaggeration.
I just hate that part of me so
much that seeing any of it again brings
back very bad memories. When I look
back, I can see progress is being made,
but I guess I don't feel anything
has changed because when I'm in my
correct gender role, it doesn't make me
feel great, I just don't feel horrible
any more. It's easy to forget when
something unpleasant is taken away.
It's our nature to move on and worry
about whatever the NEXT most annoying
thing is. Feeling comfortable in my
gender, I often wonder why I
go through all the discomfort required of
transition, but if I were to stop,
the old nasty feelings would return, and
I WOULD be motivated to continue.
Abandonment. I can't connect strongly
to anyone. I guess early on I was
impressed with the feeling that no
one was there for me, at least not
permanently. Now, I just can't seem
to give my entire heart to anyone. I
want to. I want to completely immerse
myself in my love for NB, but I can't.
There is always a piece in my heart
I hold in reserve, knowing somewhere,
somehow, that the relationship will
eventually end.
16-May-01
After feeling weirded out last night,
I increased my estrogen. I woke up
this morning with the same sense of
serenity I had some time back. I hope
1.25 in the morning and 2.5 of premarin
in the evening will work out. I have
noticed some return of fatigue today
though. I may have to drop back down.
This morning I noticed stretch marks
around my left nipple. Hehehe. I seem
to just keep growing. I hope I make
full B or maybe C.
Last night was GTO. I forgot about it.
I thought I'd have time to just kick
back and relax, and leisurely read
e-mail. But no. (sigh)
My therapist mentioned that I may be
giving too much of myself, and
spreading myself too thin. She also
suggested that my relationship with Beep
is just causing me pain, and asked
why I continue it. I guess I hoped to
salvage as much from my old life as
I could. Sometimes I'd like to just
start over with her, and just be her
friend, but I know neither of us can
let go of our memories of what went
before. Where's that damn drill bit home
lobotomy kit when you need it? Um...
that was a joke, in case you're
wondering.
So, yeah, I think I need to cut down
on my involvement in something. Get
myself some 'me' time.
With Beep... I don't know. I love her,
but I usually feel like she sees me
as a piece of some plan she constructs.
I am a reliable asset. But I don't
think I owe her what she's getting.
Our relationship is pretty much over.
Early this month she said she wanted
my payment, and said if I could mail it
that would be great. Not even come
over, drop it off, and chat. That felt
like 'I don't care about you, just
send me your money'. I tried to make it
work for 6 years with Beep. I did every
mental trick I could to try to be
what she wanted, what I wanted to be
FOR her. What more does she feel she
deserves?
I'm sure she's angry at having spent
6 years in a 'failed' relationship, but
I spent 28 years in a failed life.
The unspoken promise... 'if you achieve
this, you will be happy'... it may
be true for most people, but not for me.
Now, I'm paying her to maintain a home
I do not live in, have no legal
entitlement to, and am not welcome
to visit. I delayed my last payment, and
dropped it off on a Saturday. Not intentional,
just the way my schedule was.
Beep was nice about having me over
to show me her new living room furniture,
but it seems almost like I had to force
it, like holding the payment ransom
for visitation.
I want her to have a stable home, but
I can't make everything in the world
right. And she is oblivious to how
much I sacrifice to do this for her. That
money should be going into savings
for SRS. I will suffer through living in
the middle so she can have a nice house.
I can't stop caring about her, and
I can't stop feeling that she's kind
of treating me like shit.
Oh, poor me! (laugh) Maybe I should
just get over it. (smile) I need to let
all this shit go, and get on with my
life. Let go of Beep and DW, hold my
memories of them fondly, and just move
on.
I told my therapist also that I felt
everyone in my life eventually left me.
She said (the obvious) that no relationship
was forever. That's sort of
human nature. What she wanted to know
was whether I was able to recover.
Whether I could live through losing
people. I can. I guess I can survive
just about anything. It all still hurts
though.
It's like I'm trying to heal wounds while wounds are still being inflicted.
17-May-01
An old friend of mine, who never knew
he was my friend, passed away. Several
days ago, an author and screenwriter
named Douglas Adams passed away. He
wrote for Monty Python, and is most
well known for his 'Hitchhiker's Guide
to the Galaxy' book series. In the
9th grade, I sat in study hall laughing
my ass off while reading 'Restaurant
at the End of the Universe'. His work
is brilliant and absurd. He was a mad
genius like Jim Henson, and I loved
his stuff. Posting of this can be found
at www.binaryfreedom.com
<http://www.binaryfreedom.com>
A moment of silence in memory of Douglas
Adams...
...
Shit... I've hit one brick wall today
after the next. I have an appointment
in half an hour. I get to pay someone
to ask me ten questions and send me
home. Shit... SHIT!!
I'm sitting here thinking that no one
who has not gone through gender
transition will ever really understand
it.
I figured it out. I'm going to call
my diary 'The Idiot's Guide to Sex
Change'. (laugh) Maybe I could explain
the scissors/paper/rock method of
SRS. Scissors is pretty self-explanatory.
Ouch. Paper would be getting
letters of reference for SRS, and ...
well... let's not even TALK about the
rock method! (laugh)
Twenty minutes to go. Tick...tick...tick
If you have female gender identity,
looking occasionally like a female is
better than always looking like a male.
Living as a female is better than
living as a male. Functioning as a
female is better than functioning as a
male. Being legally female is better
than being legally male and being born
and raised female is better than having
to transition. We each do what we
can to fix this to the best of our
ability.
21-May-01
I had a good weekend. NB,PA2, and I
went to a renaissance fair and watched
some jousting. I had the obligatory
huge smoked turkey drumstick. This was
my ... umm... like sixth or so ren
fair, and the first time I DIDN'T get
rained on! Wohoo!
PA2 is recovering nicely from surgery.
I was so relieved to see she was
doing well. She also seemed to feel
after the fact that the whole thing was
no big deal.
I have noticed that my voice is not
consistently feminine. I can maintain it
only so long throughout a day before
it starts to fatigue. I also find when
I'm around close friends, I sometimes
don't even try, and it's not like I
consciously think about it. It's weird.
(sigh)... I think I'm getting tired
again. Well, this tired is most likely
due to drinking too much diet coke
too late in the day yesterday. I have
electro again tonight, so I'll probably
get a nice pleasant nap while I'm
there. NOT!
22-May-01
CB made beef brisket last night when
I was over for electro. It was awesome.
I only did 3 ½ hours of electro
last night, which ended up covering both
cheeks, chin and about half of my neck
area. Had I finished 5 hours, we
would have gotten the upper lip and
more of the neck. I'm getting closer to
a one session clearing.
I'm fighting the feelings of getting
no good return on investment for
transition. I've lost more than I've
gained. The funny thing is transition
doesn't give you anything. It only
takes away the feeling of alienation from
self. It puts you right where everyone
else starts. It's an awful lot of
work to get to where everyone else
starts at to begin with, and it makes me
want to scream 'life's unfair' to God.
But God never promised me, or anyone
else a fair life.
I must admit that there are times when
I feel wonderful, when I finally feel
like my body belongs to me... or fits
right. After seeing PA2 go through
surgery, I want it more. I want to
be complete, physically. As genitals are
the primary method people use to determine
gender, I want SRS for legal
reasons too. And yes, it would be great
to finally be able to express myself
sexually. It would be equally as great
just to look down in the shower and
not be repulsed, or not to hate my
reflection when I'm nude.
Rehash! Rehash! Have I said anything new in the last 6 months?
23-May-01
It appears my energy problem has returned.
That sucks. I went to see my
doctor yesterday. He changed my progesterone
to prometrium, wrote a script
for emla, requested that I begin a
metabolic enhancer (metabolift), and
asked that I schedule a sleep study.
My schedule...
Monday = Electrolysis
Tuesday = Open (3rd Tuesday of the
month is Gateway Transmen Organization
meeting),
Wednesday = TS Support (MCC or EFA,
alternating)
Thursday = Growing American Youth
Friday = Open (Friday nearest full
moon is CAST Open Full Moon Ritual)
Saturday = Always SOMETHING going on
Sunday = Game from 3 to 10 PM
Did I mention that I'm now involved
in a D&D game on Sundays? All trans
folks. Heh!
Wow, I just noticed that I feel really
good, and particularly feminine,
right now. I think it's because of
the estrogen being returned to the higher
dose. It may also partially be due
to the metabolift. My experience with
metabolic stuff is that for the first
three or four days it's great, then I
sort of return to where I was initially.
It's like my body is rigged for
being lethargic. But for now, I'm not.
It amazes me how my mood can change
so rapidly. Within the span of hours,
I'll go up and down.
CH called the other night and said she
wanted off 2nd shift because she was
losing all her friends. She told her
boss she hadn't seen her best friend
for 3 weeks. She meant me. I had asked
her the last time I called if she was
avoiding me intentionally. Now I feel
stupid about asking. While the
hormones seem to open up my ability
to express myself, they also make my
over sensitive, and 'catty'. (sigh)
I'm acting like a teenage girl in my
jealousy. I hope I get to see her soon.
24-May-01
Several days ago my doctor wrote a
prescription for prometrium for me. I
picked it up this morning and took
it for the first time. It was funny, I
had this excited little butterfly feeling
in my belly thinking about the
expected results. I'm already a reasonable
B cup, but I'm hoping the change
in progesterone will allow for more
development. For the first time in a
while that I felt excited about the
notion of transition.
The metabolift has got me kind of bouncy
today. I don't know if I like that
kind of feeling. I've lived my whole
life being lethargic and rather
deliberate in my pace that feeling
like I'm revving up is kind of strange. I
bet in four days, I won't feel it's
effects any more.
Later... I had an enormous emotional
upwelling. I think it was due to the
prometrium. I feel like my emotions
are very raw, unarmored. This is a lot
like when I started provera. Wow. Back
to feeling like a teenager with
out-of-control hormone swings. Did
I say something earlier today about how I
was happy about transition? (laugh)
Last night I had a dream. I only remember
a fragment of it. I had a tooth
that was out of place. It was like
I had an extra canine on the upper left
part of my mouth that had grown so
far out of place that it made an odd
bulge in my upper lip. For some reason,
I was clenching my jaw and noticed
the tooth was loose. I wiggled the
tooth, and it came free easily. The
socket it was in didn't bleed, and
seemed to disappear quickly, like the
tooth was never meant to be there.
The removal of the tooth made my face
symmetrical finally. I drilled a hole
in the tooth and strung it on a
necklace.
I have heard that dreams of losing teeth
are from feeling out of control.
This dream seems to be referring to
SRS, the removal of something to make
the body right. I seem to constantly
be staring into the future. I hope I
reach a time when I can spend most
of my mental time in the here and now.
25-May-01
I don't know if I'd ever mentioned
this, but there has been an odd effect
from transition. I can be startled
by someone yelling at me. I remember in
Basic Training thinking that it was
odd that the female recruits could be
reduced to tears by drill instructors
dressing them down. Now I understand
it. I am much more susceptible to verbal
abuse. This seems to also lead to
being startled much more easily as
well.
I had a lot of disturbing dreams last night, but nothing that stuck.
Yesterday, I was a horrible mess from
a combination of increasing my provera
back to a higher dose, starting metabolift,
and starting prometrium. Yes, I
often feel like a walking chemistry
experiment.
My energy is okay today, but I'm rather
mentally unfocussed. My emotions are
at least in check. That's good.
29-May-01
I had 6 hours of electro yesterday,
and for all practical purposes, got
completely cleared. There was a small
spot on my neck, about one square inch
that wasn't finished, and my right
cheek only had the dark stuff removed,
but it's still very close to complete.
This weekend was pretty nice. I did
the grocery shopping Saturday morning
and played D&D in the afternoon/evening,
then spent most of the day Sunday
with CH, and did electro yesterday.
What did I do Friday night?... I don't
remember right off the top of my head.
My energy level seems to be staying
up. CH and I did a 3 mile walk in the
woods. Changing to prometruim also
seems to have alleviated a minor
depression (one of the possible side
effects of provera).
My breasts have had this weird warm
feeling, not sore, but feeling like they
are growing again. Yay! They're still
filling somewhat. I think I have moved
from bottom end B to a reasonable middle
of the road B.
I've noticed my muscle mass still isn't
dropping the way I wish it did. Last
doctor's visit, I weighed 200 lb. fully
dressed. Ick. So, I'm putting on fat
in all the right places, but I'm NOT
losing muscle... and I'm also not
losing fat where it's in the WRONG
places.
I know when the metabolift starts kicking
in, because I can't stop moving my
legs. It's odd.
My sister reminded me that her problems
started with fatigue. She's worried
that I have whatever SHE has. Maybe
Lupus, maybe MS. Somehow, it doesn't
concern me too much. I have other,
more pressing matters.
I had an odd dream last night. I only
remember fragments. Part of it was
that there was mud on the blankets
in my bed. It was there because some time
in the past I'd been on a detail (in
the Air Force) and was so tired
afterward that I'd just fallen dead
asleep without taking off my muddy BDU's
(Battle Dress Uniform... the camouflage
field uniform). Another part was
that my nose had grown wide, had an
odd hook shape, and was covered in the
top with black bristly hairs. I think
each part has meaning, but I don't
know what.
I called DW Sunday night, and asked
him if he had time to talk. He said he
really didn't, so I let him go. I don't
even know if I want to try to call
him again. It seems that it's always
me doing the reaching out.
I was in a discussion today, and was
presented with the question of whether
I thought expenses of transition should
be covered by insurance. Depression,
bipolar disorder, etc. are covered
as disability. GID is not. Why not? It is
a diagnosable mental disorder, which
can be every bit as disabling as the
others. If depression is found to be
due to a tumor on the thyroid, would
insurance cover that? Yes, because
it would not be considered elective. SRS
is not elective. Not to transsexuals.
I reached a point where my loathing of
my own body was so severe that I wanted
to mutilate myself.
I asked someone a long time ago how
to know if you're really transsexual.
Now, looking back, I'd say the answer
to that is, if you think you may be
transsexual, you probably are.
Two of my coworkers repeatedly referred
to me as 'he' today, and only once
was it corrected. I feel that the two
people in question, one of whom is my
team leader, simply don't accept me
as female, and never will. I would like
to take a steak knife, castrate myself
in front of them, drop the parts on
the floor and say 'Okay, NOW do you
accept me as female?'
30-May-01
(sigh) A new girl arrived about a month
ago. She was rooming with FL. They
didn't get along, and Sunday evening
the new girl packed up her stuff and
headed back to Texas. I had thought
we were sort of bonding, but she took
off and didn't tell me. I was really
crushed. This again hits on the sense
that no one is permanent in my life.
They come and go. I have problems
investing emotionally just to have
shit like this happen. I guess everyone
has to face it though.
Oh, yeah... (smile) I went to lunch
with a coworker yesterday, only to find
upon returning that our building was
being evacuated by the fire department.
Some nearby highway construction managed
to strike a natural gas main and
the highway, the major road crossing
it, and several businesses had to be
shut down. Kind of exciting.
Then, I come back today from lunch,
and AGAIN there are fire trucks in front
of the building. This time is was just
for a traffic accident though. But it
was amusing. Like 'Gee, how many times
is our building going to blow up,
burn down or be struck by a tornado
in one week?' (laugh)
Well... I just feel like I'm here. I'm
living full time. But having
accomplished this, there's nowhere
to go now. It wasn't like angels came
down and the world shifted. Everything
is the same. Maybe after SRS things
will be different. Maybe when I'm finally
some place where people don't know
that I'm TS, things will feel different.
I don't know. I can't imagine that
anyone other than trans folks could
so utterly let go of their gender role
and embrace the opposite one.
31-May-01
The last day of the month. Tomorrow
I'll start my 24th month of keeping a
diary. That'll bring me up on the two
year mark. It's really cool to look
back on stuff I wrote back then and
see where I am. I see that I speak more
freely. The things that are bothering
me are mostly external to me, beyond
my control. The things I have control
over, I have changed. The things I
don't have control over, I need to
learn to let go of.
I have an appointment with my therapist
this evening. Being that I'm feeling
pretty good, I don't know if there's
really anything to go over. Oh, yeah,
I'm sure there is. I guess I just don't
want to rehash.
There's still issues with DW and Beep.
I guess it doesn't matter. I am
beginning to firmly believe that they
are both in the past only. Any real
meaningful relationship with either
of them is over. Maybe I should hold a
funeral for my dead relationships...
basically my whole past.
I have stopped to examine the legitimacy
of my beliefs. That was hard, and
over a short period of time, those
new beliefs were challenged over and
over. Others never seem to want to
step back and examine their own beliefs.