"I've been through so much other stuff
that walking down the isle was tough
And now I know it's not enough. I want
to be a clone.
I asked the Lord into my heart. They
said that was the way to start,
and now I've got to play the part,
I want to be a clone.
Be a clone and kiss conviction goodnight.
Cloneliness is next to Godliness,
right?
I'm grateful that they show the way,
'cause I could never know the way
to serve Him on my own. I want to be
a clone." - Steve Taylor and Some Band
01-Jun-01
When I was younger, I listened to a
Christian Contemporary group called 'Steve Taylor and Some Band'. Steve
Taylor would frequently pointing out how arrogant, self-righteous, and
pompous so-called Christians were. His use of sarcasm attracted me. I have
been dealing with Christians and pseudo-Christians so much lately that
I thought it was a good opener for the month.
I have pretty much written off my brother DW. As I told my therapist last night, the pain I'm putting myself through for the benefit of seeing him once every couple years is just not worth it.
I went out with a coworker yesterday at lunch and for the second time, the discussion turned ugly. She wants me to go see a pastor for counseling. I sat and thought about it. I think the best solution is to agree to attend one session with the pastor for every session she agrees to attend of Growing American Youth.. I think it would be a fair trade. She brought up that she had heard homosexuality happened because of childhood abuse. I asked her how many homosexuals she personally knew, and after presenting the question to her about 10 times, she admitted that she knew exactly 0.
...On further reflection... I don't think I want to bring her too deep into my world. I don't want to crumble her faith. I have no answers for her, and I don't think she's the type to quest for them for herself.
I think my target savings date for SRS is between February and September 2003. It doesn't seem that far away, in real terms. The big deciding factor for when is the duration (and therefore expense) of electro.
04-Jun-01
This weekend was pretty much just hanging
out and relaxing. It was nice. Sunday, I woke up feeling dead tired, and
continued feeling that way all day. I made sure I took some medicine to
clear my sinuses before I went to bed. I woke up this morning feeling just
fine.
Tonight I have five more hours of electro. Again. It sucks. The hairs on my chin are sparse enough that I can find open spaces big enough to touch my fingertip to nothing but bare skin. But then, there are also heavier spots where I find 10 black hairs in an 8th of a square inch.
05-Jun-01
I was almost cleared last night after
electro. Only my upper lip and some white hairs on my left cheek remained.
But, oh my GOD did it hurt! RK cleared my side burns of beard hair. Anything
near bone hurts, anything near the ear hurts. Plus, I don't think most
of that had been touched before. I realized that I've spent $6,000 so far
this year on electro. Add that to what I spent LAST year... (sigh) Soon
it will be over. That's all I can say.
I don't know if I'd written this down before, but I feel like maybe the out-of-control sensation is over. It's kind of like watching a top wobble while it spins. The wobble is gone now. What sucks is that it's probably going to take constant maintenance to prevent it from happening again.
I have car repairs, inspection and registration to pay for in the next couple days, along with a friendly letter from the IRS asking for $300, so I think the odds of starting SRS savings this month have greatly decreased. I want SRS more every day. How will I feel in two years if I don't have the money waiting? I suppose I should schedule for September 2003 with Meltzer, and stick to that. If I have the money ahead of time, I could see about getting the date moved forward.
06-Jun-01
I took my car in for state inspection
yesterday. I knew there needed to be some exhaust work done, so I asked
them to take a look at that first. Well, it turned out the entire exhaust
system was trashed and needed replaced, the power steering was leaking,
the head gasket was leaking, and the rear brake drums were leaking. The
total to repair all those things, so that it could pass state inspection
was more than the blue book value of the car, a '89 Olds Cutlass Calais.
Heh...
So... last night NB and I spent our evening looking at used cars. I found an '98 Toyota Corolla that I really liked. I think I may go for that one, if I can get the financing approved. It would be the closest thing to a new car I've ever had. My Calais was 5 years old when I bought it. I'll be spending the evening looking for a car again.
My face is itching today. That almost always happens a couple days after electro. There are usually little hair fragments that work their way out in a couple days. They look like regular hairs but if you squeeze them like a blackhead, they pop out, where a living hair will pull in farther if you try the same thing. Those fragments that come out are almost like ash. They are brittle and powdery, unlike normal hair. I ran a razor over my upper lip to catch the few longer hairs that were there, but I didn't even bother with a full shave this morning. There's nothing there to shave anyway. THAT is cool.
Skip this paragraph if you don't want to hear gross anatomical stuff. In the last three or four weeks, the head of my penis has been peeling. I think it's due to the fact that it is not getting used that much, and when it does, the skin has shrunk to the point where it can't take becoming erect any more. What ends up happening is the skin is stretched too far and then gets like sunburned skin, kind of leathery, and then peels.
More about cars now. I looked at a couple Saturn SW2 wagons today at lunch. I might get a '97 wagon. It's within my price range, has really low miles, and is in great condition. I think I will also test drive the Toyota Echo this evening. It's within the range where I could buy one brand new.
What am I looking for in a car? Hmm...? I'm going to be stuck in rush hour traffic, driving this thing 15 miles each way. It needs to get good mileage, have AC, and be an automatic. It needs enough power to keep me from getting creamed getting onto the highway. I'm fine if it only has cassette, but just AM/FM won't cut it. It can be virtually any color except gray or white. My last two cars were gray. I don't want another gray car, and I can't stand white vehicles. Dirt shows on them way too easily. I had a dream about owning a small green station wagon. I doubt it was prophetic. So, let's say the ultimate car for me would be a two-door coupe, or four-door wagon, 120+ horsepower, AC, automatic, in green or blue. Extra goodies would be nice like auto everything, CD, photon torpedoes... (blink). Okay, I'm working my way back to reality now.
I remember how much I labored over $5000 when I bought my last car, and now I'm not even shrugging about $10K. It's all just stuff. Money comes and goes (mostly goes... smile). So, anyway, I'm gonna go look for a new car. Wish me luck.
07-Jun-01
It looks like I may be the proud owner
of a '97 Saturn SW2 wagon. I started the finance paperwork last night.
I need to get my insurance changed over and turn in my old car as a trade-in.
Heh... The Calais was worth a whopping $100. Heheheheeee.
A Coworker of mine stopped by my cubicle this morning. Many months ago, before I went full time, I showed her my old driver's license, and my new one (not the girl one). She looked at the first, looked at the current one, and asked if I planned to go all the way through transition. I was kind of shocked that she'd figured out what was going on. I explained the situation to her. She supported me completely. She is a Christian and about fifty. She stopped by this morning and we chatted briefly. When she smiles, she lights up the room. I think she may have reached a point of true wisdom.
So far today... The Saturn dealer can't get me financed. My credit rating has a lot of points on it I guess, I am still on the mortgage for the house I no longer live in, and my ex neglected to inform me that she had paperwork from the VA that would remove me from the mortgage.
08-Jun-01
The finance Paperwork went through
yesterday, and I picked up the wagon. It's a very comfortable car. I tested
the sound system last night, and it was incredible. It rides fine, handles
fine, and accelerates well enough to survive entering uphill on ramps onto
the highways. It has an odd vibration through the exhaust in first and
second gear at certain RPMs. It has power windows, locks, steering, antilock
brakes, and traction control. New toy... (smile)
I did something this morning I haven't done before as far as I remember. I thanked God for my life, for where I am, and what it has allowed me to see.
11-Jun-01
I was hit with a sinus infection Saturday
that kept me unconscious pretty much all weekend.
A notable exception to that was going to Target to get a swimsuit. It's a two piece, but the top is like a tank top, so it's almost a one piece. Still, even knowing I'll only wear it in the presence of other trans people and their partners, I feel really uncomfortable about it. There are all these little milestones along this path of transition, and getting a swimsuit, while it sounds trivial, really isn't. 'Tucking' becomes problematic at best unless a suit is purchased with the stupid little skirt around it.
(sigh) Several times in the recent past,
I have been in the situation where MJ has been present. I have fought myself
all through the weekend, wanting it badly. Part of me says in moderation,
there's nothing wrong with it, and part of me says for me there is no moderation
with it. If I have it, I use it, if I use it, I go nowhere mentally. The
problem is, I used it in the past, and it got me through tough mental spots.
Now, I should be strong
enough not to need to self medicate
and hide from my problems. Shit... I think the whole thing kind of scares
me.
You know, I don't know which is more sad, dying, or having your whole life torn away and living. Some days all the pain of the transition doesn't bother me, but often, I'm left feeling hollow. It's so painful, trying not to be angry with the people who have turned their backs on me when I needed them the most.
12-Jun-01
Electro last night was bad enough to
break me into tears on my upper lip. My cheeks, chin, upper lip, and about
half my neck were cleared. Only my lower lip and lower part of my neck
remained. Closer.
After the emotional burst from electro, I get home and NB tells me my sister had called to inform me my mom broke her arm. My mother has this great capacity for getting drunk, falling down, and injuring herself. She broke it on Saturday, and didn't bother to ask my sister to take her to the hospital until Wednesday. I feel sorry for my sister being the nearest child and feeling obligated to take care of our mother. I feel pity, anger, and disgust at her apathy. I don't think I could be around her for very long, and don't know how my sister manages it.
I would like my mom to live long enough to see me complete transition. It would be great if someone would be proud of this accomplishment. As frustrated and angry as I get with her, I still love my mom, and want her to be proud of me. Somehow, I don't think she is.
Anyway, between electro and my mom, I had quite an emotional evening. This evening at 7, I get to go to court for a couple traffic tickets I got just before my name change. Joy. Nothing quite like the thrill of standing in a courtroom full of people and explaining why a woman is there instead of a guy.
Are you all tired of listening to me bitch about every little facet of my life yet? I believe there are people who complain about their lives, and people who do something about it... and then there's me, who complains about my life WHILE doing something about it. (laugh)
13-Jun-01
Last night I went to court for a ticket
I got for not having my license plate tags up to date. I got there about
20 minutes early, and sat to wait for court to begin. Someone came in and
said if it was for traffic ticket stuff, if you could prove compliance,
they'd just look at the proof, you could pay $12, and be on your way. The
third name they read was my old male
name (the ticket was received before
my name change). I got up and walked forward. The person reading the names
looked back through the folders confused, looking for a female name I guess.
He repeated my name questioningly. I said 'Yes'. He looked confused, and
repeated it again, emphasizing the first name. I said 'I WAS'. At which
point he understood,
handed me the folder and I went on
about my business. (snicker, snicker) Anyway, what had weighed on my mind
as a major legal hassle ended up being 10 minutes and a funny incident.
I'm starting to just not get all upset about anything any more. Events
will unfold how they will, and all I can do is participate. Worrying about
them for days just wastes energy.
14-Jun-01
Ugg. Tired. I stayed up too late last
night with the MCC support group folks.
15-Jun-01
Okay... I've been rather lazy... and
not had a lot of time on my computer at home, so I'm sorry to say I've
rather neglected my web pag. So, here's a month and a half of diary to
catch you all up on the happenings of my life.
19-Jun-01
Wow, the month is just zipping by.
This evening is GTO. NB won't be going
because he's still suffering from acute
sinusitis. Ick!
I have just placed my 4th call with
my healthcare PPO, requesting a card be
issued in my proper name. This whole
business is pissing me off severely.
Aoi came over to visit Sunday night.
That was cool since I haven't seen her
in like a zillion years. She may be
ready to begin transition now. I hope
so, and I hope it brings her out of
her life-long funk.
Electro last night went okay. I was
using prescription pain killers
(hydrocodone) and just kind of dozed
most of the time. I still didn't get
cleared completely, but each session
seems closer. There was a small spot on
the neck, about a square inch, and
some of the little white hairs on my
lower lip and chin. Soon.
What is there left to say? I think my
diary is about to come to an end. It
has served its purpose. It is a mirror,
allowing me to look at myself. I
have reached a place where I am coasting.
The rest is just going through the
motions. SRS is just waiting for me
two years or less in the future.
20-Jun-01
These days, there seems nothing more
intimidating than a blank screen. I
haven't spent much time on-line, reading
e-mails from other folks, and I
haven't had many problems of my own.
Things are going well, but in that
somewhat unfamiliar comfort, I find
myself with nothing to say. My muses
have all gone on vacation, and the
words have rather dried up.
The fire, the anger and pain that drove
me before is gone, and I'm left just
feeling mostly contented. But... what
now? I am not driven toward a goal.
Maybe this is my vacation. This is
when I stop and catch my breath.
Then what? Build an airplane? I need
to find a goal worthy of me. Sculpture?
That might be nice. Work some stuff
in pewter maybe, or goldsmithing,
jewelry making. Armor, costuming, I
don't know. All the above? Martial arts?
Cycling, Scuba? Maybe make an electric
car. A robot? A full size lego
sculpture of a human? Video effects?
Nothing interests me enough to get
really good at. Back to illustration?
Visual effects? art college? I've only
been gone 11 years. Wow... 11 years
ago, I was someone completely different,
with vastly different dreams. Maybe
I'll just take a year and hike across
America. Maybe I'll design my own house.
In 3D on the computer, of course.
Maybe I'll get back into computer generated
stuff. Tighten up my Photoshop
skills. Maybe design something awesome...
What, I don't yet know. Maybe I'll
become a chef. Maybe I'll work on my
relationship with God. Maybe I'll adopt
a young girl. Maybe I'll become a lobbyist
for transgendered rights. Maybe
I'll become an author. Maybe go hang
gliding.
I'm just kind of waiting until the wind
of enthusiasm comes along and takes
me somewhere.
I had a spot on my jaw line that kept
coming up like a pimple, but I'd pop
it but never got out whatever was irritating
the skin. This went on for
about two weeks, until this morning,
I squeezed it and out popped a nasty,
thick black hair, about an 8th of an
inch long, and hooked. I can already
tell the skin is beginning to heal.
That hair was most definitely the result
of electro. I get things like it on
rare occasions. I have also had the
normal remnants of hairs, kind of like
ash, that occasionally work their way
out.
There's less and less hair on my face,
but still too much. The shadow on my
chin is beginning to return. That really
bums me out. I feel like this is an
endless process. I hate it, and I'm
tired of the pain.
I saw my doctor yesterday, and he seemed
very pleased with my transition. I
made the offer that if Meltzer allowed
it, I would consent to my doctor
observing the SRS procedure on me.
He seemed excited at the prospect. He's
treated lots of trans girls, but never
seen the procedure.