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Is it True?
Murder Or Suicide????

So Confused
**child discussing God with his mother**

Computer Problems
*** Problem Exists Between Chair and Keyboard ***
*** Computer Operator Stupidities ***

New Computer Viruses

Confused

Confused Mother Writing to Son

Signs of Insanity

You Might Be a Child of the 70's if...

I feel Old

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*** most of these I have either collected over the years or have been sent. Where ever possible I have listed the referring source ***

Is it True?

What is the Ruling?? In a recent American Association of Forensic Study, an interesting scenario was presented:

Jack Okra was brought into the Forensic Lab to determine the circumstances of his death. A gunshot wound was found to the head and there were no other broken bones or bruises. However, A suicided letter was found describing that he had been despondent over his financial woes. Because of this, he decided to comitt suicide by jumping off the roof of his apartment complex. As Jack was falling to his death, a shot had been fired out the window of the 3rd floor hitting Jack in the head and killing him before he even hit the ground. It also seems that a construction crew had a safety net set above the ground in case any of the window workers, who were replacing windows, might happen to fall. It just so happened that Jacks' body fell into the saftey net. Had Jack not been shot, he would have survived the fall. Therefore, this had been ruled a homicide since Jack would've survived the fall. The shot gun blast had come from a couple on the 3rd floor who had a history of domestic problems. The husband had threatened his wife with the shot gun when it went off. He missed his wife and shot out the window just as Jack was falling. The husband made an appeal that he and his wife had fought twice a week. It was well known by the neighbors and police that he always threatened his wife with an unloaded shotgun. He never carried shells in the house. It wasn't until later that the police found out that the wife had refused to give her son money. Her son was very angry and knowing that his father threatened his mother with an unloaded shot gun, he had loaded the gun with a shot gun shell several days before the argument knowing that his father would shoot at his mother. The forensic team then decided to charge the son with homicide.

It turns out that the son was Jack Okra. Therefore it had ruled his death to be a suicide.

So Confused


A confused nine year old boy goes up to his mother and asks,
"Is God male or female?"

After thinking for a moment, his mother responds,"Well God is
both male and female."

This confuses the little boy, so he asks, "Is God black or
white?" "Well, God is both black and white."

This further confuses the boy, so he asks "Well, is God gay or
straight?"

At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers
nonetheless, "Honey, God is both gay and straight."

At this the boy's face lights up with understanding and he
triumphantly asks... "Is God Michael Jackson?"

Problems Exists Between Chair and Keyboard
~~~
P.E.B.C.A.K.

These are stories from computor specialists.
Excerpts are from an article by Jim Carlton of the Wall Street Journal:

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.

4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.

5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends, "the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."

8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."

At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

NEW COMPUTER VIRUSES



People - please note! The following new computer viruses have 
been detected. Please be alert for them when you scan your 
computers --- which you -ARE- doing, I trust.


BOBBIT VIRUS: Removes a vital part of your hard disk then 
re-attaches it. (But that part will never work again.)

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 
80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200 MB.

AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service
you are getting.

MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're 
paying too much for the AT&T virus.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse 
around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack ---once if by
LAN, twice if by C:>

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a "virus", but
instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism.

RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won't allow you to delete a file,
regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you
to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component of your system, just
before the whole damn thing quits.

MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident.
It'll be back.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Prevents your system from spawning any child
process without joining into a binary network.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #2: Their is sumthing rong wit your komputer,
ewe jsut cant figyour out watt!!

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your
diagnostic software says everything is fine.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS:Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of
people really mad just thinking about it.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds
of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which
claim to be the most important part of your computer.

GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCS infected will lose 38
percent of their data 14 percent of the time. (plus or minus a 3.5 percent
margin of error).

TERRY RANDLE VIRUS: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose
"Abort" from the "Abort" "Retry" "Fail" message.

TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen splits
erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for
the problem.

AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its
own motherboard.

PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self
destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across
rural America.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.

NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.

SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables,
power supply and a set of shocks.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2: Runs every program on the hard drive
simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.

IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot
up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on
expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.

STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus
has gone before.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing
wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating "Read my docs....
No new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on
your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.

CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS: Makes your 486/50 machine perform like
a 286/AT.

LAPD VIRUS: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on
your PC and erases them in "self defense".

CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Claims that if you don't send it a million
dollars, it's programmer will take it back.

BUREAU OF ALCOHOL, TOBACCO AND FIREARMS VIRUS: Attempts to
secretly go after all your files, but not without first unintentionally
letting you know about it by calling a local news station.

RUSH LIMBAUGH VIRUS: Puts up lots of incoherent meaningless
messages on your screen. Also takes up a lot of disk space.

MICROSOFT WINDOWS VIRUS: Turns your OS into a cumbersome
unwieldy jumble of nonsensical buttons, menus and commands and also degrades
the performance of your PC. (Whoops,that's not a virus. Never mind.)


Use your virus scan, don't let any of these viruses happen to
your PC!

CONFUSION

A Little Mixed Up

Just a line to say I'm living.
That I'm not among the dead;
Though I'm getting more forgetful,
And more "mixed up" in the head.
Sometimes I can't remember,
When I stand at foot of stair,
If I must go up for something,
Or I've just come down from there!

And before the fridge, so often,
My poor mind is filled with doubt,
Have I just put food away,
Or have I come to take some out?

And there's times when it is dark out,
With my nightcap on my head,
I don't know if I'm retiring,
Or just getting out of bed

So, if it's my turn to write you,
There's no need in getting sore
I may think that I have written,
And don't want to be a bore.

So, remember - "I do Love You",
And I wish that you were here;
But now, it's nearly mail time,
So I must say, "Goodbye, Dear."

***

There I stood beside the mailbox,
With a face so very red,
Instead of mailing you this letter........
....I had opened it instead!

A confused mother writing to her son:

Dear Son,
Just a few lines to let you know that I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you cannot read fast. you won't know the house when you come home-- we've moved. About your father--- he has a lovely new job. He has five hundred men under him. He is cutting grass at the cemetary. There was a washing machine in the new house when we moved in, but it isn't working very good. Last week I put 14 shirts into it, pulled the chain, and I haven't seen the shirts since. Your sister, Mary, had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know whether you're an aunt or an uncle. Your Uncle Herman drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in the Dublin Brewery. Some of his workmates dived in to save him, but he fought them off bravely. We cremated his body and it took three days to put out the fire. Your father didn't have much to drink at Christmas time. I put a bottle of castor oil in his pint of beer---it kept him going 'til New Years' Day. It only rained twice last week. First for three days, and then for four days. Monday it was so windy that one of our chickens laid the same egg four times.

Love,

Mother

P.S. I was going to send you $10, but I had already sealed the envelope.


Your friends tell you that you have been acting strange lately, 
then you hit them several times with a sledgehammer. 

Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of 
place that you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.

You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she 
sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.

Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death. 

You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you 
stepped on as a child, and worry that their descendants are 
going to one day seek revenge. 

You have meaningful conversations with your blender. 

Your father pretends you don't exist, just to play along with 
their little illusion. 

You like cats. Especially with mayo. 

You scream "I've got a knife!" to people who try to sell you 
things. 

You scream "I've got a knife!" to people at your family reunion 

You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because 
you wanted to be on the island too. 

You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch. 

Every time you see the commercial for the Hair Club For Men, you 
think to yourself, "I think I'll kill the pope today." 

You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a 
koala or to be loved by an infectious disease. 

You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, 
and pretend that you're a stalk. 

You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used it. 

You complain to your ISP about SPAM from a mailing list you 
subscribed to.

You do not understand why people at work make references to you 
and Les Nesman.

Co-Workers tell you, "you need to have your doctor adjust your 
Medication" and your puzzled how they knew. 

You took any of these comments seriously.

You can't remember a time when "going out for coffee" DIDN'T involve 49,000 selections to choose from.

Kids that work in restaurants and supermarkets are starting to make you angry by calling you "sir" or "ma'am".

You ever dressed to emulate a person you saw in either a Duran Duran, Madonna, or Cyndi Lauper video.

At one point during your teenage years, you walked with a noticeable tilt to one side due to the number of plastic rings on that arm.

There were at least three people in your school that voluntarily went by the names of "Skip" "Buffy" "Muffy" or "Dexter".

You ever owned one of those embarrassing crimping irons.

You used to hold in your head the thought that all those gold chains on Mr. T actually looked kinda cool and the thought that Mr. T made millions seemed rational to you at the time.

You remember with pain the sad day when the Green Machine hit the streets and made your old big wheel quite obsolete.

The phrase "Where's the beef?" still doubles you over with laughter.

You read the "Hot Video Games Player's Secrets" guide for Mortal Kombat just so you could find the hidden screen, and play Pong again for old time's sake.

Honestly remember when film critics raved that no movie could ever possibly get better special effects than those in the movie TRON.

You were convinced for years that Batman was a mildly overweight man with a moderate beer belly who wore his underwear outside of his clothes and talked strangely.

You thought Sean Cassidy was "dreamy", lusted after "Ted, your ship's photographer" on the Love Boat and Chachi, or, to keep it fair to the comically interested, thought Fred was just a hunk on Scooby Doo.

You're starting to dread you're 30th birthday, and have even begun going into denial about it's possibility.

Your hair, at some point in time in the 80's, became something which can only be described by the phrase "I was experimenting"

Back To Top

I Feel Old

Do you remember where we were when the shuttle blew up? Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of that year's incoming freshmen.
Here's this year's list:
1. The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1980.

2. They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and did not know he had ever been shot.

3. They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.

4. Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.

5. There has been only one Pope in their lifetime. They can only really remember one president.

6. They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold War.

7. They have never feared a nuclear war. "The Day After" is a pill to them, not a movie.

8. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up, and Tiananmen Square means nothing to them.

9. Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

10. They never had a Polio shot, and likely do not know what it is.

11. Bottle caps have not only always been screw off, but have always been plastic. They have no idea what a pull-top can looks like.

12. Atari pre-dates them, as do vinyl albums.

13. The expression "you sound like a broken record" means nothing to them.

14. They have never owned a record player.

15. They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Pong.

16. Star Wars look very fake to them, and the special effects are pathetic.

17. There have always been red M&Ms, and blue ones are not new. What do you mean there used to be beige ones?

18. They may have heard of an 8-track, but chances are they probably never have actually seen or heard one.

19. The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.

20. As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 cents.

21. They have always had an answering machine.

22. Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black-and-white TV.

23. They have always had cable.

24. There have always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA is.

25. They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

26. They were born the year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony.

27. Roller-skating has always meant inline for them.

28. The Tonight Show has always been with Jay Leno.

29. They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.

30. Popcorn has always been cooked in a microwave.

31. They have never seen Larry Bird play, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is a football player.

32. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

33. The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWII, or even the Civil War.

34. They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.

35. They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

36. They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

37. They never heard the terms: "Where's the beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel," or "de plane, de plane!"

38. They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. is.

39. The Titanic was found? I thought we always knew where it was.

40. Michael Jackson has always been white.

41. Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not groups.

42. McDonald's never came in styrofoam containers.

43. There has always been MTV.

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