Murder Or Suicide???? **child discussing God with his mother** *** Problem Exists Between Chair and Keyboard *** *** Computer Operator Stupidities *** |
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A confused nine year old boy goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God male or female?" After thinking for a moment, his mother responds,"Well God is both male and female." This confuses the little boy, so he asks, "Is God black or white?" "Well, God is both black and white." This further confuses the boy, so he asks "Well, is God gay or straight?" At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless, "Honey, God is both gay and straight." At this the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks... "Is God Michael Jackson?"
~~~ Excerpts are from an article by Jim Carlton of the Wall Street Journal: 1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is. 2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in. 3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels. 4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies. 5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room. 6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key. 7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends, "the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks." 8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually. 9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally. 10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse. 11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?" 12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?" Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive! |
People - please note! The following new computer viruses have been detected. Please be alert for them when you scan your computers --- which you -ARE- doing, I trust. |
A Little Mixed Up Just a line to say I'm living. That I'm not among the dead; Though I'm getting more forgetful, And more "mixed up" in the head. Sometimes I can't remember, When I stand at foot of stair, If I must go up for something, Or I've just come down from there! And before the fridge, so often, My poor mind is filled with doubt, Have I just put food away, Or have I come to take some out? And there's times when it is dark out, With my nightcap on my head, I don't know if I'm retiring, Or just getting out of bed So, if it's my turn to write you, There's no need in getting sore I may think that I have written, And don't want to be a bore. So, remember - "I do Love You", And I wish that you were here; But now, it's nearly mail time, So I must say, "Goodbye, Dear." *** There I stood beside the mailbox, With a face so very red, Instead of mailing you this letter........ ....I had opened it instead! |
Dear Son, Just a few lines to let you know that I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you cannot read fast. you won't know the house when you come home-- we've moved. About your father--- he has a lovely new job. He has five hundred men under him. He is cutting grass at the cemetary. There was a washing machine in the new house when we moved in, but it isn't working very good. Last week I put 14 shirts into it, pulled the chain, and I haven't seen the shirts since. Your sister, Mary, had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know whether you're an aunt or an uncle. Your Uncle Herman drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in the Dublin Brewery. Some of his workmates dived in to save him, but he fought them off bravely. We cremated his body and it took three days to put out the fire. Your father didn't have much to drink at Christmas time. I put a bottle of castor oil in his pint of beer---it kept him going 'til New Years' Day. It only rained twice last week. First for three days, and then for four days. Monday it was so windy that one of our chickens laid the same egg four times. Love, Mother P.S. I was going to send you $10, but I had already sealed the envelope. |
Your friends tell you that you have been acting strange lately, then you hit them several times with a sledgehammer. Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of place that you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from. You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write. Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death. You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you stepped on as a child, and worry that their descendants are going to one day seek revenge. You have meaningful conversations with your blender. Your father pretends you don't exist, just to play along with their little illusion. You like cats. Especially with mayo. You scream "I've got a knife!" to people who try to sell you things. You scream "I've got a knife!" to people at your family reunion You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because you wanted to be on the island too. You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch. Every time you see the commercial for the Hair Club For Men, you think to yourself, "I think I'll kill the pope today." You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease. You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you're a stalk. You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used it. You complain to your ISP about SPAM from a mailing list you subscribed to. You do not understand why people at work make references to you and Les Nesman. Co-Workers tell you, "you need to have your doctor adjust your Medication" and your puzzled how they knew. You took any of these comments seriously.