A Conversation in my head


Me: Hi guys! I thought this time I'd start out with a simple question: Why is it, that even though I have a straightforward plan to get a really great job writing computer games, I have been completely unwilling to start the first step?

Power Lines: No! You -can't- do that!

Me: Yes, so I've noticed. I did not ask -if- I could do this, I asked why not?

Power Lines: We don't need no stinking reasons! We're the power lines, and we say no!

Me: You have nothing useful to say. Let's try someone else.

Beast: You stupid imbicil! Your plan is full of shit! First, you don't want to expend the effort to get off your lazy ass and get wroking. Second, if you did get working, your idea is unoriginal, trite, and not nearly as much fun as you think it would be. Third, you are such a loser that by the time you get done with it it's gonna suck and noone will like it and they'll think you are a complete poser. Fourth, you are a washed-up no-good burnt-out has-been, and you think you -want- to go back to the world of deadlines and stress? You've lost your edge. You've blown your engine. You're not half the man you used to be, and even then you weren't nearly as good as you thought you were. You want your plan? You can't handle the plan! It's all you can do to write up your brain paper just before it's due, you can't plan ahead for the life of you. How the hell do you think you can do this plan with no motivation better than the vague possability it -might-, assuming divine intervention, turn into something halfway worth while that could -maybe- get you a job you couldn't handle anyway! Take your pathetic plan and stick it in your ass! It's as worthless as you are!

Me: OK, enough!

Power Lines: You should have stuck with "No".

Oblivion: Don't listen to that nasty Beast. You don't really care what he thinks. Take it easy, relax. Enjoy the sunshine on the way to the group. And stop wasting time on this silly paper.

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Another Conversation in my Head


Me: Hi guys! Lets start out with a topic that's been on my mind a lot this last week. An ex-girlfriend is back in town, and boy am I of more than one mind about her. What do you guys have to say?

Power Lines: Don't even go there.

Me: To the point as usual, but not very enlightening. Care to expand on that?

Power Lines: We don't care if you sleep with her, but whatever you do, don't let her get close to you. It's safe if it's all about her, just don't let her get to you.

Me: OK, it's still alll behavioral, but it's a lot better than your usual stark forbidding. OK, I hate to ask this, but what do you think, Beast?

Beast: You should have nailed her the other night, you gutless wonder. At least then you could stop thinking with your balls and get a clue! The culture gap is impossible. I don't mean her race, which doesn't help, but rather that little matter of 13 years. She's from a completely different generation! She's way more work than you are ready for. she's more broke than you are, she's completely flakey and unreliable, she's going through major shit that you do -not- want to deal with, and even if you could deal with all that, she's not going to give you any children, and never mind what an idiot you are for thinking that's going to help. All you need is a major responsability when you've done everything you can, including quitting a perfectly good job, to get rid of all your responsabilities. It's a wonder you haven't sabotaged your on-line kingdom - Oh, right, you and Oblivion are working on that! You keep thinking the nice meds have opened up a world of possabilities for you, but you are no better off now than you were a year ago. You've done nothing! Zilch! Nada! Not one damn thing to help yourself other than showing up for work on time. Oh! What a hard worker you are doing all the shit jobs noone else wants to do. What ever happened to the cockey programmer who was smarter than everyone else? You used to be brilliant, now you are a hard worker, but only because you don't have the balls to tell them where to stick this crappy job and do something that utilizes 1/5 of your brainpower. No! You are complacent with mediocrity! Not happy with it, not satisfied with it, not even content with it, but meerly complacent. Oblivion is all over you like ugly on a chiuaua and the only reason you get up in the morning is because it's easier to just go with the flow and be a pathetic slob than to rock the boat! Your paralysis is complete, your ambition dead, and your sense missing in action, and you mistake this for contentment? Do you have any idea how pathetic this is? GAH!

Me: OK, that was certainly interesting. Next!

Oblivion: The Beast wouldn't know contentment if he chewed it's head off, which isn't far from the mark. Don't let him get your goat. He's all talk and no action. You don't have to listen to him. As for the girl, she is way more trouble than she's worth. You can't help her and she can't help you. Forget all about her. Go hit the pool and have a beer.

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Headgames


Me: I worry that I'm in a rut. I have no motivation whatsoever to get a decent job, to learn things to make myself marketable, to clean up my condo, or realy anything to get myself out of the space I've inhabited for the last year and a half. What gives?

Powewr Lines: Change is bad. change is forbidden. We fear change. You had it all and gave it away, who knows what the Beast would do if you were successful again?

Beast: Oh wah! You don't make enough money! You quit your high paying job! You're lonely! You've driven off the women in your life! You don't see your friends as much anymore! So why don't you call them? And despite the perverse satisfaction you have in the execution of your downfall, you've seen what it really means to go to hell in a handbasket, and you are just a whiney poser! You sit there in your comfortable (if slightly damp) condo and contemplate the size of your online kingdom and bitch that you have it so bad? You still don't know what adversity is! You don't believe in yourself enough to be what normal people would consider successful, and you lack the balls to take yourself out of the game. Let's face it, you are condemed to be an eternal loser. A nobody. A pathetic wimp incapable of excersizing free will.

Me: Ahem! OK, thank you for your enlightening opinions. What about Oblivion?

Oblivion: You don't have to be in a rut. You don't have to wory about your job. You don't have to face the Beast's wrath. There's a better way. It's so simple! You don't have to be afraid! There's nothing...

Me: Oh! So sorry, we're out of time for this discussion! Maybe we can talk some other time. Nice talking to you! Bye bye!

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That's pretty much it, though you can if you want go on to read the Beast Report written some time later.

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