CHAPTER FOURTEEN

INCOMPATABILITY, ATTRACTIVENESS AND SINGLE PARENTING

Here are ten more questions single adults commonly ask about their sexuality and relationships with the opposite sex.

1. What about sexual incompatibility?

   "My first marriage was a nightmare largely because of sexual incompatibility. When my marriage fell apart, I vowed that I would never get married again unless I found out first if my future partner and I were sexually compatible. Is it wrong of me to want to make sure?"
   
   This woman caller on a radio program is similar to many singles. They want a guarantee that there will be no sexual problems in their marriage. One of the ways they seek the guarantee is to discover whether or not they are sexually compatible before marriage.
   
   But the idea that a couple can discover sexual compatibility before marriage is a myth. Sex is not merely a mechanical process. Two people don't just fit together like a nut and a bolt or a foot in a shoe. That type of image depreciates what sex is all about. Good sex doesn't occur just because the parts fit easily. Sexual compatibility is a pilgrimage, a process. A couple has to journey down the road of compatibility because they have to deal with the baggage, and the expectations that each person brings to the relationship.
   
   A couple cannot deal with such adjustments in a short period of time. It takes years to develop sexual compatibility- and then only with hard work and communication. The idea that someone can "try out lovers in the same way as trying on a shirt or a coat reveals a low view of sexuality.
   
   Physiologically, the notion that "only one shoe will fit" is a myth. Remember the story of Cinderella? The prince had a glass slipper that only Cinderella's foot would fit. People are not like that, especially in the area of sex. God has created sex with incredible flexibility and variety. Sex is possible between people of all sizes, shapes, colors, and emotional makeup.
   
   Before you kiss somebody, you don't worry if your lips are going to fit. Lips are amazingly flexible. Any two people who have the desire can work it out so they can kiss. The same is true for the rest of the body. God created our sexual apparatus with such amazing flexibility that men and women of any size and shape can find ways to be compatible sexually. Sex is possible even between people who are disabled.
   
   Even if a man is impotent, he and his wife can be involved and fulfilled sexually. There may be certain acts that can't be performed, but the body has such diversity that a couple could still experience deep intimacy. A loving couple will work out their own compatibility rather than try to force their sexual relationship to fit some cultural norm.
   
   Furthermore, sex is only one area of compatibility. In order to have a successful marriage, couples have to work out their relationship in several areas, such as financially, emotionally, and spiritually. If a man is a spender and the wife is a saver, the couple would have to work out compatibility in the financial area. But just because they are different in their financial habits and views does not mean they should not marry. It is as couples work out these compatibility issues that they cement their relationship and their intimacy becomes deeper. The same is true in the emotional area. If the woman is very emotional and the man resembles a robot, there will be incompatibility that will need to be worked out.
   
   Sometimes it is these very differences that first brought the couple together. Opposites do attract. People are often attracted to each other because they are incompatible in some areas. The joy, the intensity, and the passion in their relationship sometimes come in discovering how to relate with another person and how to become one--in spite of the differences. In this regard relationships are like a puzzle. If the puzzle pieces are all similar, the puzzle will not hold together well. It is the distinctiveness in the pieces that adds to the strength of the puzzle.
   
   The idea that a couple can discern before marriage whether they are compatible or not is a myth. There will be many areas of difference that they will discover after the marriage. The task then becomes making those differences become assets. With hard work and creativity, the couple can make the puzzle pieces fit and in the process strengthen the marriage even more.
   
   Since the baby boomers in our culture are growing older, lots of new information is now surfacing about seniors and how active they are sexually. Often the seniors claim that sex is better for them than ever before. Why is that? Why are older people (even though not able to perform as well physically) more sexually fulfilled than younger people? It is because compatibility is a process. By loving and respecting each other over several years, a couple can develop sexual intimacy and depth that becomes so much more fulfilling than what is experienced in youth. We are not talking about a compatibility of body parts, but a compatibility of spirit and soul. The physical union is only a minor part of it.

2. What about couples that actually cannot have intercourse?

   A woman wrote to me about a couple she knew who remained celibate before their wedding day. After their marriage, they discovered they had a physical problem; the man's penis was too large for the woman. "Sex is extremely uncomfortable and painful for them," the woman wrote. "The relationship is in trouble as a result. Doctors cannot help. Counseling was holding the line at best. Both believe that had they had premarital sex, this difficulty could have been avoided--even if it meant ending the relationship."
   
   We sometimes think that the act of intercourse is necessary for sexual fulfillment. Not true. There are many ways a couple can bring pleasure to each other and communicate a sense of worth and value without intercourse.
   
   Actually, every couple faces the possibility of living without sexual intercourse. People get sick, healthy bodies become disabled by accidents, and impotence and vaginal disorders do occur--all of which mean that intercourse sometimes is not possible. But an inability to perform intercourse does not mean that such a couple would be unable to find sexual fulfillment together. Adults that care for one another deeply can be sexual people together and experience profound intimacy without sexual intercourse.
   
   Frankly, to question the wisdom of marriage simply on the basis of not being able to have intercourse suggests a shallow relationship. That reveals that they view intimacy in a limited way, that they have a superficial view of marriage, and that they have a lot to learn about the whole kaleidoscope of how God has created them.
   
   Again, comparability is a process, not a starting point. Every couple will have issues to work through. If the couple doesn't have problems with penis size, they may have problems with lack of desire or too much desire, with fatigue or disease, with impotence or premature ejaculation, with honesty or deception, with fear or lack of trust. There are a million obstacles that could stand in the middle of any couple's road to fulfillment. And unfortunately, we aren't allowed to choose our obstacles in life. They just appear, and we have to deal with them or exit the road.
   
   Obviously, true intimacy and closeness result when a couple learn that together they can face any obstacle--no matter how tough--and conquer it together. I would encourage the couple with the size problem to see it as a real opportunity for growth and strength. If they can navigate that problem, they will have the confidence to face anything in life and win.

3. Is sexual sin more devastating than any other? Is sexuality more important than other areas of life?

   There are two extreme positions that are often taken regarding sexual sin. One of them is that sexual sin is absolutely the worst thing that a person can do and is unforgivable. I will never forget how, in a church youth group I worked with, one high school age teen struggled over this issue. It finally came out that he thought he had committed the unpardonable sin. He was too embarrassed to talk about it in public but told me later privately that the unpardonable sin he had committed was oral sex. He was convinced that what he had done was unforgivable. The Bible does not say any one sexual act is unforgivable, but instead talks about attitudes and motives.
   
   The other extreme is to say that sexual sins are not anything special and are weaknesses similar to cheating, overeating, or losing one's temper. Both extremes contain kernels of truth. Sexual sin is harmful (1 Corinthians 6:18-19), but sexual sin is also forgivable. The correct answer lies somewhere in the middle of the two extremes.
   
   During a seminar on single sexuality, a man in the audience responded to a panelist who said sexual sin is no different than losing one's temper. He said: "I have both lost my temper and committed sexual sin. And let me tell you from personal experience--sexual sin has been a lot more damaging to my emotions and relationships than losing my temper. Expressing ourselves sexually involves our whole being. Because of this, to be used or misused in this area has serious results. I don't agree that you should mutually explore and decide what feels good for you, and if it feels good it's OK. Two people are involved in a sexual relationship, and it's much more complicated."
   
   Although all actions in life have natural consequences, some have worse consequences than others. If I cut my finger with the sharp edge of a piece of paper, the consequences would be minor. But if I cut my finger with a chain saw, the consequences would be major. Sexual sins make deep wounds and leave terrible scars on the body and soul--wounds that are not easy to heal and scars that are not simple to get rid of. A person who has given up his or her purity finds it very difficult to feel pure again. There is hope, but the way back to value and purity in the sexual arena is not cheap or easy. It will require an extended period of celibacy.
   
   Restoring value is similar to repaying a credit card debt. If I run up a bill of $100 on my credit card, it won't take long to pay off that debt. But if I run up a bill of thousands of dollars, it will take much longer to recover from that debt. Sexual sins leave a person more destitute than many other sins, so we need to take them more seriously. However, we must never forget that God's grace is sufficient for all. For most people, the problem is not being forgiven by God but learning to forgive self. I believe the key to feeling forgiven is to voluntarily undergo a period of sexual abstinence.

4. What role does being overweight play in our sexuality? What role does physical attractiveness, intelligence, and so on, play in our sexuality?

   We all feel inadequate in some areas. Feeling inadequate is another obstacle on the road to relational intimacy. Inadequacies are a part of the challenge in relating. Being able to help another in spite of his or her inadequacies is a way of asserting the depth of a person's value and love.
   
   Tennis partners, for example, both have strengths and certain weaknesses they use to help each other. One may be a better forehand player; the other a better backhand player. One might be stronger in serving; the other better at net play. Will they be able, in spite of their mutual inadequacies, to become championship players? Of course. The challenge of teamwork is accentuating the strengths and compensating for the weaknesses. Teams become champions in spite of their inadequacies and become better because those very inadequacies force them to work harder than those without weaknesses. Though less talented, they can become a better team. That's why the top singles tennis players often don't play doubles well, and why the best doubles teams are sometimes made up of mediocre singles players.
   
   The same is true in relationships. Rather than thinking that our inadequacies disqualify us, we should look at them as a tool to make our relationships better and deeper.
   
   That doesn't mean a person should not be concerned about his or her weight or hygiene or health, but it does mean that people can help each other improve in these areas. Tennis partners will help each other by practicing together to overcome weaknesses. If you struggle with being overweight, seek a friend to join you in your journey to lose weight. This does not mean using negative motivation such as berating, demeaning, or criticizing. It means setting goals, encouraging, and supporting one another. A loving, caring atmosphere must prevail.
   
   We also need to realize that being overweight can be a way of insulating oneself from involvement with other people. It's similar to a king in a castle. One reason a king insists on huge stone walls, a moat, guards, and a drawbridge is the enemies who threaten his kingdom. If there were peace in the land, there would be no need for the walls or moat. Discord and strife naturally result in walls being constructed.
   
   It is the same emotionally. When people discover that they have
   put up big walls in their lives, they need to find out why and seek to take them down, rather than withdraw and isolate themselves from relationships. Many times this type of discovery will help in the struggle of being overweight. When the walls start coming down, relationships become a priority, acceptance is found, and the weight problem takes care of itself.

5. What if my partner (though we are not married) makes me feel like a "billion dollars" sexually?

   Ernest Hemingway was wrong when he said, "What is moral is what you feel good after and what is immoral is what you feel bad after. Feelings are notoriously poor guides to truth and value. An example of this is extreme forms of sexuality, whose adherents claim moral correctness based on feelings. Certain activities "feel right" to the participants, even though the Bible (and sometimes society) sees them as immoral.
   
   Gay rights groups have made a political movement out of the "alternate lifestyle" of homosexual intercourse. There is a smaller but similar political movement in Britain called the Pedophilia Society, which lobbies for the rights of child molesters. A recent publication of a Christian theological group even had a kind word to say about bestiality.
   
   Clearly, value cannot be based merely on feelings. Yet people often feel of low value when in reality God has created them with great value. Conversely, a person can feel an exaggerated sense of self-importance, which may affect his/her behavior adversely.
   
   Neither can we gauge relationships by feelings. For instance, if a couple lives together and one morning the man wakes up and says, "I feel married," that doesn't mean he is married. Or if a couple is married and one morning the wife wakes up and says, "I don't feel married anymore," that doesn't mean she is suddenly single. Feelings alone are not enough to convey the truth of a situation.
   
   Once a young person discovers how to get a credit card, he could start spending and feel very rich. He would be enjoying all his toys and feel valuable, but in reality the value is negative because he has a huge debt. Sooner or later, the bills will come and the bankruptcy will become obvious; then reality hits. The same thing is true morally. A person can be bankrupt morally and not feel the results for a long time. A couple can be involved sexually and feel good about it for a while, but just because they feel good does not mean they are building a foundation for value that will last.

6. I always thought the Bible said that only sexual intercourse outside of marriage was wrong. That meant to me that "anything goes" except penetration. Now I'm confused. What's the Bible actually say?

   The Bible nowhere actually says, "Thou shalt not have sexual intercourse before marriage." Instead, it tells us, "Flee sexual immorality" (1 Corinthians 6:18), and, "Neither let us commit fornication' (1 Corinthians 10:8, Kjv). In both cases, the original word for immorality and fornication is the Greek word porneia, which has been translated in many other ways: whoredom, concubinage, adultery, incest, lewdness, uncleanness, and even symbolically as idolatry. Obviously, the word covers a wide range of actions and situations, usually including sexual intercourse outside of marriage, but is not limited to that. It is interesting to note that the word porneia was a derivative of the classical Greek word pernemi and its root, porn, which meant to sell (especially slaves) and thus came to refer to a harlot who was for hire. Historically, some of the first prostitutes were in fact slaves. Prostitution grew with the increase in commerce and prosperity, since both male and female slaves were at the mercy of their masters' lusts.
   
   Porneia, then, has its roots in the idea of sex for sale, from which we get our word pornography. I would suggest that fornication, then, could be extended to include whenever one uses his or her sexuality to gain a profit or manipulate an outcome. If a woman uses her sexuality to control a man, I would call that a form of porneia. If a man withholds his sexuality to punish a woman, that too I would call porneia.
   
   But even in its limited denotation, fornication has to mean more than just sexual intercourse. To pretend that anything up to penetration is acceptable for unmarried couples is to draw an arbitrary line. Clearly premarital sexual intercourse is prohibited in the Bible, but much more is meant to be included in that prohibition of fornication. The variety of ways in which the word porneia is used in the Scriptures requires a broader definition of fornication.

7. What about the tendency of our culture to desensitize us to moral values? If some people can live immorally and not feel guilty, will the value or worth really depreciate for them?

   It is easy to deceive ourselves. Some people live their entire lives on credit. They never learn the lesson that they can't keep borrowing forever. I know of one couple who continued to rent homes far beyond thew means. The family would move or be evicted frequently which would embarrass the children terribly--fhe parents acted wealthy but in reality they weren't. As a result, the children suffered and lived in daily fear that their secret poverty would be discovered. It is not a good way to live.
   
   In a similar way, there are couples who are extending themselves sexually until they are way over their heads morally. Sooner or later, they will have to pay the price. The emotional bill for multiple abortions will come due. The social bills for having sex with many partners will come due. One partner may never be able to be satisfied sexually in a monogamous relationship because of former sexual conduct. The spiritual bills for denying God's wisdom and direction will come due. Sometimes the bills for sexual conduct come due when a person gets married and has children. Whatever the case and whenever it happens, if you spend on credit, sooner or later the bill will come due.
   
   But the issue is deeper than just pragmatics. There is also an important ethical issue at stake here. It is the need for an objective standard for morality. Right and wrong cannot be decided by what feels right. Just because an action feels good, it does not follow that it therefore is the right thing to do. It may feel good to overeat, to get drunk, or to do drugs, but in each case harm can result. In spite of the words in some current songs or what "free thinkers" may say, feeling good or feeling like a billion dollars does not make an action right morally. Adolf Hitler no doubt felt good about his early successes in World War II. In fact, he said, "Success is the sole earthly judge of right and wrong." Hopefully, even today's free thinkers would disagree with Hitler on this point, and in doing so, would agree with the poverty of the "it feels good" approach.

8. What about singles who won't ever marry?

   The idea of celibacy helping a person retain a sense of self-worth may be seen by some as just another way of saying, "Save yourself until marriage." But what about the person who will never marry?
   
   The main issue I have been emphasizing is not "saving yourself until marriage." Instead, temporary celibacy for single adults is a positive way to assert, build, and protect their self-worth. Whether such a valuable single decides to marry or not, he or she will possess a deep sense of self-worth and physical value. Regardless of whether a person marries or not, living a life of sexual purity to protect and assert one's self-worth will enable that single person to feel a deep sense of personal value, which is essential to one's well being and fulfillment. The issue is to save yourself so you will be convinced and assured of your own value, regardless of whether or not you marry."

9. Do you think youth are as sexually active today as they have been in the past, and is this why in biblical times marriage occurred when they were so young?

   Morality in ancient times is an issue of debate. Some sociologists and archeologists believe that prehistoric tribes were very sexually active and very clannish or communal. Others disagree vehemently and say they were monogamists and exclusive in their sexuality. You can pretty much pick whatever view you want to believe.
   
   I believe that the further you go back in civilization and relationships, the more complex the relationships were. It has been shown through a study of African tribes that their clanish rules and rituals were complex--much more involved than they are now. Personally, I think that in prehistoric times, or in ancient biblical times, people were not as sexually active as they are today.
   
   However, divorce was more common in biblical times than it is now. Pliny the Younger wrote a letter in which he mentioned a man who was going through his twenty-fourth divorce. You have to remember, though, that they also had multiple wives.

10. I'm a single parent. I have struggled with how to teach my kids about sex, but I also feel like a hypocrite because I haven't been perfect in that area myself. How can I help them?

    I think a letter I received from a single woman we will call Jenny best answers this question. Jenny's parents warned her to date little, monitored her social life closely, and would not talk about sex or her fears. As an adult, Jenny felt embarrassed and unqualified to teach her children. Jenny's words show there is hope.
    
    I have felt at a loss to teach my children "why" and have to admit that I also have this "fear" that my parents modeled. I have felt inadequate to discuss sexuality with them and always wonder if I'm doing or saying the right thing.
    
    When I came home from the seminar, I actually cried for hours--thinking back to my teenage years. I was grieving the loss of not being told how valuable I was and not being treated with love and respect. I was grieving the fact that things weren't explained and I wasn't trusted. I was grieving because I wanted different parents... parents who expressed their love for me in spiritual ways and taught me about God and His love for me. The taffeta dresses and patent leather shoes were nice, but they were not lasting....
    
    I asked God to help me change that pattern--to give me a deeper understanding--and to give my daughter that feeling of value and the strength to say, "No, I choose to wait until after marriage. I choose God's way because I know it is best for me and whether I marry or not, I will still have my own sense of self-worth."
    
    This woman took the correct first step toward teaching her child about sex and value--she faced squarely her past and began to work though her own issues. Then, once she had a new base of personal value and a sense of sexual worth, she was able to begin teaching her daughter the same things. Of course, that is just the start. She then will need to follow through those lessons with congruent actions and a pure lifestyle. She will have to live out what she says. And her daughter will be watching every move, listening to every word, sensing every attitude--wondering all the time if this approach to sex and value really works. Is her mother really happier this way? Or does she get angry, depressed, and moody more often?
    
    If their sexuality is approached with honesty and confidentiality, she and her daughter can learn the lessons together. What a great opportunity! Their learning process can become a great journey for a mother and daughter to make together. They can benefit from one another's experiences, can talk through their failures and frustrations, and make and keep commitments to one another. A college student told me that she was happy that during her teenage years her mother was single rather than married. Since this was not the usual perspective, I asked her why she had felt that way. Her response was heartwarming.
    
    "It's not a problem for me now, but when I first started being attracted to boys and then started dating, I was really confused. Some people were telling me that sex was no big deal, and others were saying that I shouldn't do it. All my friends' parents said it was wrong, but we knew it was easy for them to say that--they were married. But when my mom told me that she had sexual desires too, but still said no to sex, it really made me pay more attention to her suggestions.
    
    "She was going through the very same things I was. When she came home from a date, I asked her about it. I even asked her if they kissed or whatever. She gave me honest answers. Then we talked about why it was better to not get too physical before marriage. When I came home from a date, she asked me too."
    
    Then this woman added, "My mom is my best friend. We can talk about anything. I did miss my dad, but having a single mom really helped me."
    
    Since single parents and single teens both have to deal with loneliness, finances, sexuality, dating, love, romance, betrayal, and many other issues especially relevant to singles, they share a common bond that married parents and teens just don't have. Of course, not every single parent and child may end up best friends, but they can use their unique relationship as a bridge for close communication. If single parents deal with their own sexuality in a positive way, they can powerfully influence their children to a healthy and whole sexuality.

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

THANKS FOR VISITING! GOD BLESS YOU!

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