Pet Food Letter

Newtromex Pet Foods,
Research & Development / Marketing division

Dear R&D;

In the interest of dogs everywhere, we folks on the USENET rec.pets.dogs.misc 
newsgroup have pooled together our knowledge of our dog's dietary intake, 
habits, and preferences in the effort of creating a new dogfood that will 
be enticing to even the most finiky of dogs.

We feel that we can safely guarantee you a lion's share of the "dogfood for
problem eaters" market if you apply our findings to create a new & improved 
line of products.

The following is a catagorized-list of carefully chosen ingredients;

FIBER/BULK:
socks (must be smelly, with holes in them) / worn underwear / pillow insides
/ string / kleenex / paper towels (used, please!) / shoe laces / magazines /
newspapers / playing cards

ORGANIC (pre intake):
whole birds / partially decomposed and unidentifiable formerly living
objects / peanut butter / grass / pigeon feathers / egg shells / dog hair
from hair brush / bugs - the crunchier the better

ORGANIC (post intake):
horse berries / bunny berries / goose poop / barf / contents of the 
cat's litterbox - "sprinkles" a plus!

PETROLEUM-BASED:
plastic bags / tinsel 

NOT CLASSIFIED:
contents of vacuum cleaner bags / little sticks / dry wall and spackeling
compound [NOTE: puppies love this!] / french fries found between the
car seats [NOTE: must be 6 months old]

We must tell you, though, that we can't vouch for the nutritional value of 
the recipe. Your top-notch R&D lab should be able to analyze the different
foodgroups and decide which ones will keep "Fido" in peak condition. If you
find that it is lacking as a well-rounded kibble, perhaps a side line, 
marketed as TREATS, would be more appropriate. 

To this we offer some "cute & catchy" names to aid in launching the new 
product line into the already-crowded world of doggy items:

o kittylitter krunch 
o catbox ca-ca clusters
o underwear-eeohs
o horse applejacks
o franken bunny berries
o goose poop soup
o barf-a-roni
o leftovers for rovers
o dead fishes' delicious*
o birds 'n' turds
o french fries & can't identify's
o get yah fill of road kill
o treats from streets
o eat-a street meat treat
o rug bugs

Perhaps several of the above items could be bundled together and 
displayed as a multiple-choice selection along the lines of a "Kellogg's
Snack Pak".

We look forward to hearing from you and your thoughts regarding our suggestions.

Sincerely,
Tony J. Podrasky (and the rec.pets.dogs.misc crew)

* This one doubles as a food/toy: you get to roll around in it
before you eat it.

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