I talked before about what I would do if I was president of the United States. I will now talk about what I would do if I was governor of this state, even though I would rather be president. 1st of all, our current governor has done plenty of things to piss me off, but the problem is, if either a Democrat or Republican replaces him, we will have nothing more than even a bigger asshole in charge, but getting a Republican would be the worst. I like Governor Jesse for fighting to get light rail and I am glad that he has defended abortion rights. I really loved what Jesse Ventura said about organized religion! It's about time that someone in power stands up to these religious zealots! If I was governor, I would mention that organized religion is about as nice as a pile of vomit, which is the truth. It would take me about 10 hours to explain why I feel this way, but atrocities that organized religion has caused speaks for itself, which includes every single war that we have been in, burning witches at the stake, murdering cats because religious people found them to be possessed by Satan, causing people to hate them selves and murdering and torturing lesbians and gay people and let's not forget about the Talaban!

      I'll focus on what I would do as governor instead. 1st of all, as governor of this state I will abolish sales tax! I'm sick and tired of this bullshit. I have hated this sales tax bullshit ever since I was 6 years old when I went to buy something that cost 20¢ and it ended up costing 21¢ and I only had 20¢ on me and I couldn't buy it because there was a fucking sales tax on it. Sales tax is a fucking regressive tax and it hurts those who can the least afford to pay it. Sales tax is even bad for the economy too.

       As governor of this state, there will be no taxes deducted from anyone's paycheck until they have earned at least enough to be able to live on for Christ Sake. There are so many people who don't even earn enough to pay their fucking rent, but the government deducts money out of their paycheck anyway. That is bogus total fucking bullshit and that needs to stop.

      With those horrible taxes gone, there will still be plenty of money left over to provide enough for needed and necessary services. For 1 thing, as governor, I will end corporate welfare and abolish all tax breaks for corporations. It's about time that millionaires pay taxes, not the people who can not afford it. Also, as governor of this state, I will tax the churches. As for small independent churches that can barely afford to get by have nothing to worry about. I'm not intending a being a total bastard prick here. What I'm talking about is taxing the churches that make billions of dollars in profits and have this fucking attitude that they think they are too good to pay taxes. It's about fucking time that they pay their fucking taxes.

      Another thing I am sick and tired of is seeing these "Pro Life Minnesota" signs on the freeways promoting their anti-choice propaganda. Worse yet, these anti-choice extremists fascists love putting their so called "Pro-Life" billboards propaganda in low income neighborhoods where there is already way too much breeding go on as it is, so they encourage people to breed even more who don't even have enough fucking money to take care of the kids they got, which will create more poverty, more crime, and more misery and suffering as though there ain't enough of that already. Abortion is 1 of the most beautiful things in the world and these "pro-life" assholes are trying to ruin it. Every time I see 1 of those "pro-life" anti-choice billboards, I feel like throwing up. I saw 1 sign that said "babies are 1 of God's miracles and blessings" or some bullshit like that. Well, if babies are 1 of God's blessings then God should be the 1 who changes the babies' diapers, not to mention paying the thousands of dollars that it costs to raise it. As governor of this state, I will help raise revenue by having roadside stands selling eggs next too all "pro-life" billboards, so people can throw eggs at all the pictures of the fetuses. Not only that, it would be fun to watch people throwing eggs at the fetuses.

      Another thing I will do as governor of this state is I will legalize prostitution. There is no reason that prostitution shouldn't be legal. Selling is legal and fucking is legal and there is no reason that selling fucking should be illegal. I am sick and tired of hearing about undercover police women dressing up as hoes so they can bust some poor guy who is horny. It's a complete waste to the taxpayers money.

      They should have prostitutes hanging out at the Mall of America, but that's not all. They should rent out rooms, so the people who pick up the prostitutes can go and have sex with them + it would be very convenient! It would also be a good idea to open up a couple of adult bookstores in the Mall of America too. I also feel that it is important that prostitutes protect themselves while having sex, so they don't catch any diseases, but it would even be worse if they got pregnant. That's why there should be plenty of condoms available at the Mall of America. If a hooker engages in unprotected sex, it is also extremely important that emergency contraception be available at the mall, which will prevent pregnancy. Now, if all else fails and a prostitute who works at the Mall of America ends up getting pregnant, as Governor I will see to it that an abortion clinic is opened up right in the Mall of America and it ought to be called the "Good Riddens to the Baby Abortion Clinic and the counselors at the clinic should encourage all pregnant women to have an abortion. If a pregnant woman has doubts about whether an abortion is the right thing to do, the counselor would say, "look honey take a walk around this mall and look at all the nice stuff they sell. Well, if you decide to have the baby, you will be in poverty for the rest of your life and you will never be able to afford to buy any of that nice stuff". They should also open up gay bars, punk rock bars and industrial and goth music clubs inside the Mall of America too. A lot of assholes will surely object to the wonderful plans I have for the Mall of America because it is meant to be a "family oriented" mall. I say, fuck the families! "Family Values and this family oriented shit is turning this country into a banana republic. If these people want a banana republic, why don't they move to El Salvador or Iran for crying out loud? Also, as governor of this state, I will bring an end to urban sprawl. I am sick and tired of suburbs and stores expanding further and further out. It is about time to put and end to more and stores opening up in new suburbs reaching farther and farther away. The only kind of new businesses that should be able to open up in a new subject should be gay bars, adult bookstores, punk rock clubs, industrial and goth clubs, pet stores, abortion clinics and restaurants, but they have to be all-you-can-eat buffets. Those are the only kinds of businesses that are any good.

       The #1 reason that I want to become governor of this state is not for any of the reasons that I just mentioned. The #1 reason that I want to become governor is because the owners of the Minnesota Twins are going to approach me and ask for taxes to be raised, so some billionaires can get a new baseball stadium. I can't wait because as soon as they do, I am going to tell them to take their baseball stadium and stick it up their ass! The nerve of those fucking slime! With all the financial problems this state is in and they are asking the peasants to have their taxes raised to build a new fucking baseball stadium. I am sick and tired of the propaganda I keep hearing in the media trying to dupe the peasants into having their fucking taxes raised for a baseball stadium. They had a report on Kare 11 about how great it is that people in Milwaukee County, Wisconsin were fucked over by having a penny raised on their fucking sales tax to pay for a baseball stadium. It makes me wanna vomit. It's that baseball stadium shit that makes me wanna run for governor, but I still think I'll focus on running for president, instead.

      Pat was so pissed off with all the shit going on, that the rant he read in this piece was so intense, it even scared him, but it was still so dam cool.   You can read some of Pat's tamer things in Pat's 2002 vision of the world, which is still pretty good.