Dr. J. T. Gates, M.D.
231 Internet Lane
Webville, OH 24487
May 25, 1999
Horace Duhnno
12 Connect Street
Webville, OH 24487
Dear Mr. Duhnno,
Upon reviewing the test results and x-rays
regarding your symptoms discussed during your
examination on 5/18/99, I have been able to
determine the cause and treatment for each of
your symptoms as follows:
The inability to straighten the fingers on your
right hand is not the result of the work
related accident in March. The x-rays reveal
the same curvature in the bone structure that is
associated with holding your mouse. Please use
the keyboard and function keys for a period of
at least 7 days, allowing the muscles and
tendons to heal.
The culture we did on your urinary system has
confirmed that the repeated infections are the
result of failure to relieve yourself as we
discussed. Please excuse yourself from the chat
room and frequent the bath room when necessary.
If the antiseptic cream is not healing the
zipper injury you experienced during your hasty
return to the computer, please contact the
office for a different medication.
Please adhere to the diet we provided.
The meals consisting of potato chips, pizza,
and coffee have your potassium level high and we
"must" get it under control with proper dieting.
The examination of your eyes and the MRI
revealed no causes for the headaches. After
giving great thought to your lengthy conver-
sation about your friends and time spent in the
chat rooms, might I recommend that you reduce
the 6 - 7 hours of chatting per day to a lesser
amount of time. This should eliminate the
visual strain and stress headaches.
As a treatment for your depression, you might
consider establishing more than one email
address to provide the volume of incoming
messages you seem to be seeking. Also,
establishing an ICQ account would provide you
another means of instant messaging and increase
your "buddy list".
As suspected, the tenderness in your abdomen is
a hernia resulting from carrying your computer
to technical support and will require immediate
surgery. We have scheduled admittance on
6/2/99. As per your request, I have contacted
the hospital and am sorry to report that they
have no facilities available for internet
connection in the recovery nor private rooms.
Therefore, it appears that the megafire wireless
access will be necessary in order for you to
access the chat rooms during your hospital stay.
Also, public relations has advised they are
unable to fulfill your request to notify your
"buddy list" once the surgery is complete.
Nurse Forshey feels that is a request beyond her
capabilities and extends her apology.
The hospital and my staff will be contacting
you for additional information necessary for
your surgery, so please have your phone line
cleared and be prepared to accept incoming calls
between 3:00 pm - 4:00 pm on 5/29/99.
Sincerely,
Dr. J. T. Gates, M.D.
JTG/icq
One fella walked into a doctor's office and the
receptionist asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she took down his name, address, medical
insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aid came out and
asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles."
So she took down his height, weight, a complete
medical history and told him to wait in the
examining room. A half-hour later a nurse came
in and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure
test, an electrocardiogram, had his xray, then
the nurse told him to take off all his clothes
and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and asked him
what he had. He said, "Shingles."
The doctor said, "Where?"
He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you
want them?"
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