It is confirmed by correspondents from the North Pole that Santa Claus is in real life an old hippie. The mildly schizophrenic man is saying "Merry Christmas everybody and peace to you all" all the time while lying drunk in a puddle of whiskey, with a joint in his mouth. That's why he must leave the delivery of presents to UPS. All you kids out there, think of poor Santa Claus while celebrating Christmas with your family - send him a card or a letter explaining to him he should go into rehab. Oh, and Merry Christmas everybody!

Rockband has electric chair on stage

The Belgian rockband Death Penalty To All are going to put an electric chair on stage during their concerts. During a recent try-out, they electrocuted a doll that looked like ex-U.S. president McCarthy. They also electrocuted teddy bears, a Donald Trump doll and a Bill Gates doll. The band's leader and lead singer Sven Maes says every capitalist supporting the Western lifestyle deserves the death penalty. "This is our middle finger to Western civilization. Also, we like to electrocute stuff. Now let's eat something at the nearest McDonald's."

Body-builder killed by extra strong hemp chewing-gum

A 32-year-old body-builder from Seattle (Oregon) has been killed by a piece of the new extra strong hemp chewing gum from Freshmouth Forever. The ultra-refreshing chewing gum was too strong for the American weightlifting champion. His wife says she will sue Freshmouth Forever, because "my husband was a real die-hard when it comes to chewing gum. He chewed it all the time, in large quantities. The fatal piece is clearly much too strong for anyone to survive. FF must be stopped at all cost."

Ape appointed as Vice-Chancellor of Harvard

A chimpansee aged five has been appointed as the new Vice-Chancellor of Harvard University (U.S.). The ape is specially trained to act as a manager. It can communicate with others via sign-language and can say five words: eat, bananas, give, me and some. It is learning to say now at the moment. Said the ape, "I reckon it may easily be imagined by some individuals that I am not qualified for the job. To them I fullmouthedly say: eat bananas, give me some. Now."

Businessman finds cellphone in ear

A trustworthy businessman from Tokyo is said to have found a mobile phone in his right ear. The phone was a ultra-small, state-of-the-art model manufactured by Blowout Electronics. "I have no idea how my cellphone got in there," said the employee of Sinyuski Industries. "I may have lost it using it. Those darn things get smaller every day." He found it when he was picking his ear during another boring board meeting.

In Holland we have a feast called Sinterklaasfeest. During this feast, on December 5th, we get presents from Sinterklaas (Saint Nicholas), who lives in Spain and distributes presents for free. Something like Christmas. In my humble opinion, Sinterklaas is the man, and Santa Claus sucks.

Ten reasons why Sinterklaas rules:
10.) Sinterklaas is original, Santa is a Sinterklaas spin-off.
9.) Sinterklaas doesn't say 'ho-ho-ho' all the time, Santa does.
8.) Sinterklaas did once live, Santa did not.
7.) Sinterklaas has a boat, Santa has got those stupid reindeers.
6.) Sinterklaas lives in the Mediterranean, Santa on the North Pole.
5.) Sinterklaas employs black people (Petes), Santa doesn't.
4.) Sinterklaas is a saint, Santa is nothing in that order.
3.) Sinterklaas is independent, Santa is sponsored by Coca-Cola.
2.) Sinterklaas hasn't got overweight, Santa has.
1.) Sinterklaas doesn't torture reindeers, Santa does.

"To whom it may concern,

DEATH TO AMERICA!
ALLAH IS GREAT!

(add powder here).

Yours sincerely,
Abdul Achmed Hassan."

You can't send anthrax-powder via e-mail, you stupid! Wait a minute, I feel sick...