"I see," said the man as he pissed into the
wind.
"It's
all coming back to me now."
Robber broke into the police station and stole
all the toilet seats.
The
police didn't have anything to go on.
What's
the difference between sin and shame?
It
is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
Two
fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round".
The other
one says "So are you, you fat b******!"
Car Parking
The smallest kerbside space
sucessfully reversed into by a woman, was one of 19.36m equivalent to
three standard parking spaces, by Mrs. E. Simpkins (GB) driving an
unmodified Vauxhall Nova Swing on 12th October 1993. She started the
manoeuvre at 11:15am in Ropergate, Pontefract and successfully parked
within three feet of the pavement, 8 hours 14mins later. There was slight
damage to the bumpers and wings of her own and the two adjoining cars, as
well as shop frontage and two lamp posts.
Incorrect Driving
The longest journey completed
with the handbrake on, was one of 313 miles from Stranraer to Holyhead, by
Dr. Julie Thorn, at the wheel of a Saab 900 on 2nd April 1987. Dr. Thorn
smelled burning two miles into her journey at Aird, but pressed on to
Hollyhead with smoke billowing from the rear wheels. This journey also
holds the records for the longest completed with the choke fully out and
the right indicator flashing.
Video Lesbianism
The longest period of time
that two women in a pornographic film have sat together on a settee
without starting to fondle each other is 8.3 secs, in the 1994 low budget
production 'Strap on Sally vol.3'. The longest a woman has sat alone on
the settee without starting to fondle herself is 5.2 secs. in the same
film.
Traffic Light Cosmetics
The longest spell spent
oblivious to traffic lights whilst applying make up was one of 1hr 51mins
38secs. by Miss J. Dobson at a road junction in the centre of Preston on
the 1st August 1975. Miss Dobson, a piano teacher, beautified herself
through 212 cycles of the light, creating a tailback of irate motorists
stretching 28 miles towards Leeds.
Group Toilet Visit
The record for the largest
group of women to visit a toilet simultaneously is held by 147 workers at
the dept. of Social Security, Long Benton. At their annual celebration at
a nightclub in Newcastle upon Tyne on 12th Oct 1994 Mrs. Beryl Crabtree
got up to go to the toilet and was immediately followed by 146 other
members of the party. Moving a mass the group entered the toilet at 9:52pm
and after waiting for everyone to finish, emerged 2hrs 37mins later.
A Dog Called Sex
Everybody who has a dog calls
him Rover, I call mine Sex. Sex has been embarrassing to me, when I went
to city hall to renew his licence. I told the clerk I would like to have a
licence for sex, he said he'd like one too, but I said this is a dog, he
said he didn't care what she looked like, then I said "you don't
understand" I've had sex since I was 9 years old' he said I must have been
quite a kid.
When I got married and went on
my honeymoon, I took the dog with me, I told the clerk I wanted a room for
my wife and me and a special room for sex. He said that every room was for
sex, I said "you don't understand" sex keeps me awake at night, the clerk
said, me too.
One day I entered sex in a
contest, but before the contest began, the dog ran away, a contestant
asked why I was standing there looking around, I told him I planned to
have sex in the contest, he told me I should have sold my own tickets, I
said "you don't understand" I hoped to have sex on TV, he called me a show
off.
When my wife and I separated,
we went to court to fight for custody of the dog, I said "your honour" I
had sex before I was married, the judge said, me too, then I told him
after I was separated, sex left me, he said, me too.
Last night sex ran off again,
I spent hours looking around town for him, a cop came over to me and
asked, "what are you doing in this alley a 4 in the morning" I said " I'm
looking for sex.
My case comes up on Friday.
Some Useful Tips
Old telephone directories are
ideal for personal address books, just mark out all the names and
addresses that you don't know.
When reading a book tear out
each page as you read them, this prevents having to buy bookmarks, and
later the pages can be used as shopping lists!
Fool other drivers by taking a
old TV remote and holding it up to your ear, this will make it look like
you will have a very expensive cell phone! But don't forget to
occasionally swerve across the road and mount the curb.
Drill a one inch diameter hole
in your refrigerator so you can check to see if the light goes off when
you close it.
Increase the life of your
carpets by rolling them up and placing them in the garage.
No time for a bath? Just wrap
your self in masking tape and peel it off in a few minutes, this will
remove dirt quickly.
Expensive hair gels are a con.
Marmalade is much cheaper, but beware of bees in the summer.
Avoid cutting yourself by
clumsily slicing your vegetables while you get somebody else to hold it
for you.
Rules for Marriage
My wife and I have all the
secrets for making a marriage last.
1. Two times a week, we go to
a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship.
She goes Tuesday's; I go Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate
beds. Hers is in Norfolk and mine is in Suffolk.
3. I take my wife everywhere,
but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she
wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long
time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I
let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric
blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said, "There
are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an
electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car
wasn't running well because there was water in the carburettor. I asked
where the car was, she told me, "In the lake,"
8. She got a mudpack and
looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage
truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No,
jump in!"
Remember....
Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all
divorces started with marriage.
I married Miss Right. I just
didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife
for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
The last fight was my fault.
My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
In the beginning, God created
earth and rested. Then God created man and rested.
Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
Cool Signs
Over a gynecologist's office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
On a Plumber's truck: "We
repair what your husband fixed." At a dry cleaners: "Drop your pants
here."
On the trucks of a local
plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your
plumber."
Pizza shop slogan: "7 days
without pizza makes one weak."
Outside a muffler shop: "No
appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a veterinarian's waiting
room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
Door of a plastic surgeon's
office: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
On an electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
In a non-smoking area: "If we
see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a maternity room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
At an optometrist's office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right
place."
In the front yard of a funeral
home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
Mens Rules
1. Our arse is never a factor
in a job interview
2. Our orgasms are real. Always
3. Our last name stays put.
4. The garage is all ours
5. Wedding plans take care of themselves
6. We never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
7. Car mechanics tell us the truth.
8. We don't give a rat's arse if someone notices our new haircut.
9. . Hot wax never comes near our pubic area.
10. Same work .. more pay.
11. Wrinkles add character.
12. We don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
13. Wedding Dress £2000; Tux rental £100.
14. If we retain water, it's in a canteen.
15. People never glance at our chest when we're talking to them.
16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle our feet.
17. One mood, ALL the damn time.
18. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.
19. A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.
20. We can open our own jars.
21. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
22. Our underwear is £10 for a three-pack.
23. If we are 34 and single, nobody notices.
24. We can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
26. We can quietly watch a game with our buddy for hours without thinking
"He must be mad at me."
27. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, we just might
become lifelong friends.
28. We are not expected to know the names of more than five colours.
29. We don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
30. We are unable to see wrinkles in clothes.
31. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
32. Our belly usually hides our big hips.
33. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons.
34. We can "do" our nails with a pocket knife.
35. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives,on December
24th, in minutes.
36. The world is our urinal.
Rules for Work
1. Never give me work in the
morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of
a deadline is refreshing.
2. If it's really a rush job,
run in and interrupt me every10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That
helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.
3. Always leave without
telling anyone where you're going .It gives me a chance to be creative
when someone asks where you are.
4. If my arms are full of
papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to
learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is
good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my
limbs.
5. If you give me more than
one job to do, don't tell me Do your best to keep me late. I adore this
office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life
beyond work.
6. If a job I do pleases you,
keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
7. If you don't like my work,
tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born
to be whipped.
8. If you have special
instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until
the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
9. Never introduce me to the
people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate
food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd
deductions will identify them.
Politics
Socialism - You have two cows.
Give one to your neighbour.
Communism - You have two cows.
Give both to the Government. The government gives you milk.
Capitalism - You sell one cow
and buy a bull.
Fascism - You have two cows.
Give milk to the Government. The government sells it.
Nazism - The government shoots
you and takes the cows.
New Dealism - The government
shoots one cow, milks the other, and pours the milk down the sink.
Anarchism - Keep the cows.
Steal another one. Shoot the government.
Conservatism - Freeze the
milk. Embalm the cows.
Liberalism - Give away one
cow. Get the government to give you a new cow. Now give them both away.
How to know you're on the computer too
much
1. You have 5 passwords, but
can only remember one.
2. You haven't played
solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone
numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e mail your buddy who
works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying
in touch with friends is that they do not have an e mail addresses.
6. When you go home after a
long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. When you make phone calls
from home, you accidentally insert a "9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk
for four years and worked for three different companies.
9. Your company's welcome sign
is attached with Velcro.
10. Your resume is on a
diskette in your pocket.
11. You can only write on
'sticky pads'.
12. Your biggest loss from a
system crash was when you lost all of your best jokes.
13. Your supervisor doesn't
have the ability to do your job.
14. Contractors outnumber
permanent staff and are more likely to get long service awards.
15. Board members salaries are
higher than all the Third World countries annual budgets combined.
16. Interviewees, despite not
having relevant knowledge or experience, terminate the interview when told
of the starting salary.
17. Free food left over from
meetings is your staple diet.
18. Your supervisor gets a
brand new state of the art laptop with all the latest features, while you
have time to go for lunch while yours boots up.
19. Being sick is defined as
you can't walk or you're in hospital.
20. There's no money in the
budget for the five permanent staff your department desperately needs, but
they can afford four full time management consultants
advising your boss's boss on strategy.
21. Your relatives and family
describe your job as " works with computers".
AND THE CLINCHERS ARE..
22. You read this entire list,
and kept nodding and smiling.
You know you've
grown up when..........
1. Your house plants are
alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is
out of the question.
3. You keep more food than
beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up,
not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song
on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather
Channel.
7. Your friends marry and
divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of
vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no
longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the
police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel
comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. Your car insurance goes
down and your car payments go up.
13. You feed your dog Science
Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
14. Sleeping on the couch
makes your back hurt.
15. You no longer take naps
from noon to 6 PM.
16. Dinner and a movie is the
whole date instead of the beginning of one.
17. You go to the chemist for
ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
18. A £2.99 bottle of wine is
no longer "pretty good stuff."
19. You actually eat breakfast
food at breakfast time.
20. "I just can't drink the
way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
21. 90% of the time you spend
in front of a computer is for real work.
22. You no longer drink at
home to save money before going to a bar.
23. You read this entire list
looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you.
Mans Rules
Women, you must understand the
"Man rules" :-
We always hear "the rules"
from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are
our rules! These are what we MEN want to say to all WOMEN! Remember it.
And don't moan. If you're a man pass to your partner for a greater
understanding. If you're a woman keep it somewhere prominent like on the
fridge!
* Learn to work the toilet
seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need
it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.
* Birthdays, Valentines, and
Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet
again!
* Sometimes we are not
thinking about you. Live with it.
* Saturday = sports. It's like
the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
* Don't cut your hair. Ever.
Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big
reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their
hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
* Shopping is NOT a sport. And
no, we are never going to think of it that way.
* Crying is blackmail.
* Ask for what you want. Let
us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not
work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
* We don't remember dates.
Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently
beforehand.
* Most guys own three pairs of
shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which
pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
* Yes and No are perfectly
acceptable answers to almost every question.
* Come to us with a problem
only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your
girlfriends are for.
* A headache that lasts for 17
months is a problem. See a doctor.
* Check your oil! Please.
* Anything we said 6 months
ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and
void after 7 days.
* If you think you're fat, you
probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
* If something we said can be
interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant
the other one.
* Let us ogle. We are going to
look anyway; it's genetic.
* You can either ask us to do
something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know
best how to do it, just do it yourself.
* Whenever possible, please
say whatever you have to say during commercials.
* Christopher Columbus did not
need directions, and neither do we.
* The relationship is never
going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over
it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
* ALL men see in only 16
colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit,
not a colour. We have no idea what mauve is.
* If it itches, it will be
scratched. We do that.
* We are not mind readers and
we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how
little we care about you.
* If we ask what is wrong and
you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are
lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
* If you ask a question you
don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
* When we have to go
somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
* Don't ask us what we're
thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel
lint, the offside rule, or motor bikes.
* You have enough clothes.
* You have too many shoes.
* No you really do have too
many shoes.
* It is neither in your best
interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which
quiz.
* Beer is as exciting for us
as handbags are for you.
* I'm IN shape. ROUND is a
shape.
Naive?
1) Ever wonder about those
people who spend £2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water??
Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
2) Isn't making a smoking
section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool??
3) If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER
from diarrhea....does that mean that, one actually enjoys it??
4) There are 3 religious
truths:
A-Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah
B-Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the
Christian faith
C-Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store.
5) Why do we say something is
out of whack? What's a whack??
6) Why is the man who invests
your money called a broker??
7) Why do croutons come in
airtight packages?? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
8) Why do Doctor's practice?
Useful Report Comments?
Some genuine comments from
performance appraisals...
-
"Since my
last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to
dig."
-
"His men
would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
-
"I would
not allow this employee to breed."
-
"This
employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite
won't be."
-
"Works
well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
-
"When she
opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
-
"He would
be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
-
"This
young lady has delusions of adequacy."
-
"He sets
low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
-
"This
employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
-
"This
employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
-
"Got a
full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."
-
"A gross
ignoramus - - - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
-
"He
certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."
-
"He
doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
-
"I would
like to go hunting with him sometime."
-
"He's
been working with glue too much."
-
"He would
argue with a signpost."
-
"He has a
knack for making strangers immediately."
-
"He
brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
-
"When his
IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
-
"If you
see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
-
"A
photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
-
"A prime
candidate for natural deselection."
-
"Donated
his brain to science before he was done using it."
-
"Gates
are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
-
"Has two
brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
-
"If he
were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
-
"If you
give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
-
"If you
stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans."
-
"It's
hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm."
-
"One
neuron short of a synapse."
-
"Some
drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
-
"The
wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
Pilot's gripe sheet
After every flight, pilots
fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics
problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair
or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then
respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was
taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
humour. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as
submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had
an accident.
(P = The problem logged by the
pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
New Research
Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at an
Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod
are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the
rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it
wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by itslef but
the wrod as a wlohe.
A New Batch
Of Truisms!!
-
A good
time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
-
Anyone
who thinks old age is golden must not have had a very exciting youth.
-
How come
it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become
a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
-
Business
conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a
company can operate without.
-
Why is it
that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
-
Scratch a
dog and you'll find a permanent job.
-
No one
has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
-
There are
no new sins .... the old ones just get more publicity.
-
There are
worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be
a right number.
-
Think
about this ... No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is
winning.
-
How come
we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
-
Money
will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
-
Learn
from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make them all
yourself.
-
One of
the quickest ways for a young man to fail in life is to work so hard the
boss will think he's after his job.
-
A
backyard barbecue draws two things ... mosquitoes and relatives.
-
The
nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
-
If you
don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.
-
Seat
belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
-
You know
you're old when you reach down to get the wrinkles out of your panty
hose and realize you aren't wearing any.
-
I've
reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.