Relational Skills Proverbs 23 ~ 1/2/94Relationships are hard. They have
to be renegotiated all the time. The differences between us are primarily desires and
judgement. In every relationship, there is a stronger personality. The person with the
most power must resist using it in a wrong way. Power can be emotional or persuasive.
Power is arbitrarily (not Biblically) assigned to the man. Agreement is the Biblical
approach. The stronger person should use his power to obtain agreement.
Green Beans Principle ~ If one person likes green beans at point four on a scale of one
to ten, and the other likes them at point six, this creates tension. In time, the tension
increases the differences (this applies to judgement, sex, and many other things as well).
As the differences increase, we are not our true selves.
Poets are more critical, and should guard against this. Save opinions for people who
agree with you. Decide strategies together. We are allies against differences.
Four Horsemen of Revelation ~ The progression of the destruction of relationships is:
Criticism brings defensiveness that brings contempt that brings withdrawal. The answer to
criticism is affirmation, "I" messages, real hearing and honesty. The best
debater should advocate the other's position.
Prov. 24:26 ~ A true answer is like a kiss on the lips. The answer to
defensiveness is true communication. The answer to contempt, (symptoms-considering someone
a "jerk," stupid, etc.), is respect. God commands us to respect each other.
Every one who is truly seeking God deserves our respect. God considers them wise. We can
respect a wise, loving person who wants to do right. The fear of God is a true basis of
respect. We hold onto respect by faith. We need supernatural words of wisdom and words of
knowledge to appreciate each other. Contempt can change into respect. The answer to
withdrawal is partnership and friendship.
Love is not always nice Also, nice people can be very evil. Hitler was nice to his
family and friends. Relationships can only work if both people want to do the right thing.
Love is not always incenses. It is the desire to do right over selfishness. Righteousness.
Wisdom changes laws to goals under grace. Laws create a worse condition that progresses
to lawlessness and indulgence. Law is performance based. Grace results from favor. Law
increases pressure. Grace increases joy and desire to do right. Indulgence is not grace.
Indulgence allows evil motives. Grace allows wrong if the motives are right.
Initiative is giving without demanding. It takes the pressure off. The leader
should communicate to others that they are doing a good job.
Rubberbanding ~ and code tones and actions We often associate words or tones with
previous attacks. Go back and clear the non-verbal communication by asking questions.
Commit to take what the other person says at face value. Often we misinterpret the
offense. Make appointments for honest communication. Never handle it on the spur of the
moment. We seldom can resolve things in haste. "Can we bring this up in our
friendship group?" Timing is very important. Don't joke about it in public.
Relationships are a battle against division and disunity. Friends can provide
mediation. If you don't fight division, you will be fighting each other. Both wars are
costly. Both take time and energy. Remember the good times.