I watched an infamous episode of the Simpsons the other day about Marge's fear of flying and about how, with free airline tickets, Homer was finally convinced to see a psychiatrist with Marge. He began the session lamenting about how therapists always blame the husband. The psychiatrist reassured him with the utmost sincerity as to her objectivity, but as she did so you could see her write, and underline twice, the following word on her notepad: husband.

Recently a major study of happiness in marriage demonstrated that the happiest marriages for both spouses were the ones where the husbands generally gave in to their wive's wishes, even when there was a conflict.

And then, we have police marriage. I have seen more law enforcement couples in therapy than I can count and am here to tell you that when the husband is a police officer, he isn't always the one to blame for problems in the marriage. Blame you say! I thought therapists were supposed to be objective and give that speech about taking a balanced view of relationships and conflicts and that there's never a clear-cut case of one spouse being at fault while the other gets off scott free. Sure, one spouse can look like a louse, but shrinks are always throwing around terms like enabler and co-dependency these days to describe the role of the non-louse spouse in marital dysfunction. But what do you suppose marriage counselors talk about when they get together? About how objective they are when they work with these couples? Hell no. They talk about why the hell the wife puts up with the so-and-so, cause his chauvinism is so ingrained that he'll never change. And among those therapists who have an anti-police bias, well you can imagine what they think of the male police officer who may have a hint of the authoritarian personality.

The good news is that there's hope. I find that the best predictor of success in a troubled, or merely a troubling, marriage (police or civilian) is whether both the husband and wife are willing to own up to their responsibility for needing to change. And like others have said in articles and columns here, a police officer being more open and self-disclosing with his spouse is very important. While police marriages are susceptible to all the ills that beset non-police marriages, theirs are indeed unique for all the reasons spelled out here on Police Wives. When male police officers make the call to arrange for therapy to work on changing themselves, and the marriage, I usually take it as a good sign because it shows his motivation. Though sometimes they do this on the threat of dire consequenses if they don't. When wives drag their police husbands in kicking and screaming (or sulking and silent) it isn't the end of the marriage. It is my responsibility as a therapist and marriage counselor to coach him into husband material, to help bring back the man you married before police stress took it's toll on him, and to help the two of you work together to become the partners you once were. My job with your husband is:

to help him listen to the emotional as well as the surface messages conveyed by his wife (and children, too);

to understand how not expressing his feelings about disturbing incidents on the job hurts rather than helps a marriage;

to help him learn the language of feelings, that is, to put into words emotions he may not even be aware that he has.

It isn't a hopeless task, because the very fact that he came to counseling is a plus. The prognosis for the marriage is even better when he comes back a second time. And he almost always does.

When do I find the wives bear a large part of the responsbility for the slide into the ho-hum "we might as well just be roommates" kind of police marriages I sometimes see in my practice? Guess?

Motherhood sometimes does it, or other new interests, or the wearing off of the thrill of courtship. But when sexual enthusiasm diminishes on the part of the wife, that vital part of love and intimacy is lost. Police officer husbands need to feel loved just like anyone else, and sex is a part of marital love. So, if there's a problem in the sexual relationship, it needs to be resolved, whether it is a variance in the level of need or learning just what really excites your spouse. As with so much else that makes a marriage endure and grow stronger, the key to achieving sexual compatability is open, forthright (but never hostile) communication combined with the willingness to be flexible and experiment.

Not every police marriage is limping along leaving a trail of blood and body parts. In fact, most are thriving. And in truth, back-tracking on how I began this column (okay, I admit I was trying to get your attention), when there are problems in a marriage the very concept of blame is counter-productive. Both husbands and wives need to understand that marriage is the most complex of human relationships and conflicts never develop without the involvement of both spouses.