Part I
By M.L. Morgan
Our tireless crew of research interns has done it again. While researching another column on the currently popular topic of conspiracy in Winston Cup we have unearthed absolute proof that race-fixing, rules-fixing , preferential treatment and other forms of corruption have been around for a long time.
We need to go back in time about 5,000 years to ancient Egypt when chariot racing was the main attraction. It was during the reign of Pharaoh William the Elder, a much-hated despot. He was the one responsible for the inception of charging admission to the citizens to watch the races. The serfs meekly accepted paying but were soon rising in discord because the same few chariots were winning all the races. One of the black chariots or the multi-colored chariot were always taking home all the shekels. The fans soon started threatening to boycott the races because the races had become so predictable. William the Elder was no dummy - most of the admission was going into his coffers - so he knew he had to act fast. He consulted with his chief advisor, former chariot mechanic Gary the Slippery, and they soon developed a set of rules to make the races more competitive.
The first rules were simplicity in their brevity: the black chariots would be required to carry 2 pyramid cornerstones and the multi-colored chariot would be required to carry 3. The other chariots could compete without these handicaps. The serfs returned to the arenas and all was calm for a while. Before very long the black chariots and the multi-colored chariot were again winning all the races. Noted scribe of the era, Sparkus the Omnipresent described it like this: “The fans are getting restless . I am certain William the Elder will have to level the playing field or else the fans will stay away in droves”. How prophetic Sparkus was!
Many pundits had suggested the black chariots and the multi-colored chariot were winning all the races because their horses were more powerful. Of course the next rule change affected the horses. The horses pulling the black chariots could eat only 2 bales of hay before the race and the horse pulling the multi-colored chariot could eat only 1. The rest of the horses could eat whatever their owners chose to feed them. Apparently, Gary the Slippery was the first to discover the benefits of steroids for some of the underfunded teams. And he spread the word.
This was another short-lived cure. Before long all the horses were just as powerful as they’d been. In fact they were even stronger. Those ancient animal handlers were very clever. Evernham of Fat City soon discovered if 3 horses are eating out of the same trough, it’s hard to tell which horse ate the steroids. I think Gary the Slippery just looked the other way.
The horses kept getting stronger and before much longer and despite the intervention of William the Elder the chariots were flying off out of the arena . That didn’t suit him. He didn’t care for the competitors to be damaging his arenas. This particular stone tablet was damaged so we can’t give you a direct quote but the closest translation we can ascertain is ”We need to slow down these horses”.
Gary the Slippery went to work immediately. He thought the solution was to handicap the horses. He knew if the horses couldn’t breathe they couldn’t run as fast. So this sadistic person devised a device made of leather which blocked off one nostril of each horse. It was called, in Latin, a platus restrictorum.
All the while this controversy was unfolding , William the Elder’s evil twin Brutus the Greedy was planning an overthrow. He had built a series of arenas and a coliseum and had gone along with the program, but he had had enough. He wanted the big-shekel programs like his brother was promoting. So he built another coliseum in southern Mesopotamia. It was a disastrous effort. The chariots couldn’t even race side-by-side.
In the next edition we’ll talk about why Nascar is working so hard to develop a new fan-base. Is it because Nascar has abused it’s current, southern fan-base so badly? 20 dollar t-shirts. RIGHT.
Stay tuned - I’m not finished yet.
This way to Part II
Have comments or questions? E-mail: M.L. Morgan
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