Where Have You Gone, Joe DiMaggio ?
By M.L. Morgan
Well, race fans, we know where Joe Dimaggio went, but we don't know where Ray Evernham has gone.
Throughout the 2000 season, Evernham was all over the t.v. - promoting the
second coming of the Dodges as if it were the latest gadget invented by Ron Popeil.
We'll give Daimler/Chrysler an attaboy for not stooping to the shameless infomercials
which Ronco pioneered. But they did everything else. Any show even remotely
related to racing featured the buoyant Evernham in his red Dodge shirt proclaiming
to the racing world that Dodge was back in Cup racing.
Please note the political correctness that we didn't mention anything
about cigarette manufacturers.
Now, we are well into the 2001 season and the Dodges have returned. In force. But Evernham has disappeared. We have considered calling our psychic adviser, but we prefer to save her to predict races for Uncle Mike. She's been very consistent. Darrell Waltrip won more recently than Uncle Mike, but that's another deal. It can wait.
We have more urgent bidness right now. We need to find Evernham. The Dodge teams show up at the races every week, more or less, but Ray is nowhere to be found. We are getting concerned.
We hastily called together the Race Views staff, our brain trust, as it were, and we all contributed our ideas about how to find Ray. The usual suggestions came out immediately. Post missing person flyers - impractical. Cousin Shifty wanted to form a posse - he's been in the basement watching t.v. for too long. Uncle Mike wanted to sell red t-shirts with Ray's picture on the back, saying have you seen this man and posting our 900 number (99 cents/minute) below the picture. He knew they would be a big hit on the internet - hell - everyone else is doing it. But he was outvoted.
Helen Waite, always the stabilizing factor in these crisis meetings, once again came to the rescue. She is a very calm, but very ballsy lady. We had no choice but to listen. So we did.
She reminded us about the old "Where's Waldo?" ad campaign sponsored by some fast-food outfit. Must have been successful because even Cousin Shifty pretended to remember it. I played the part of the Devil's Advocate. So I ask - but Miss Helen - Burger King is no longer sponsoring a Cup team and McDonald's sponsors a Ford team and I don't think - WOP ! - she told me to sit down and shut up and I might learn something. So I did. I listened as she continued.
Everyone needs to eat (I scurried for my legal pad so I could take notes - this was obviously going to be profound) so I have taken the liberty of speaking for Race Views in this matter. I am aware the hamburger places are not interested in our newest crusade so I have enlisted the aid of "One Hung Low's Authentic New York Style Chinese Take-out Food" to help us. They will print a picture of Everham on each of their take-out containers, along with the caption "R.E. - Call Home".
Of course, the vote was unanimous. Helen always has her duck in a row.
We have every reason to believe Evernham will be found soon. And we hope you'll patronize One Hung Low's .
Mike Morgan
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