30th January 2001 It is alleged that model professional Mr Neville thought that it would be a good idea to set an example to the misguided schoolchildren who idolise him by calling the linesman all sorts of cunt at the end of the game, presumably because he'd been made to look even more stupid than usual by the linesman's (correct) decisions. Taking a balanced view, if the charges stick Neville must be banned for life. Decency alone demands it. Some of the blame, however, must surely fall on his boss, Lord Fergie of Cat's Arse. Why ? I'll tell you why: Lord F is a man to whom the concept of graciousness in defeat is completely alien, and Neville has obviously been taking lessons from him. Just for once I would like to see Lord F take the blame or at least blame his players for losing a match instead of making out that it's all a conspiracy against Man U just because they're successful. Zzzzzzzzzzzz.... Lord Fergie makes me sick with his "bad pitches" and his "not enough time added on" shenanigans. He conveniently forgets that Man U have won countless matches in the recent past with goals scored at the end of time added on that was disputed, but he never complained then, did he ? No. Get a fucking life, Fergie ! Your team got beat by a better one that only cost six quid. By the way, it must have been gratifying to see all your "fans" stick by their team by pissing off home as soon as Di Canio stuffed it up Barthez. Ho ho ! I digress. Hopefully the FA will twist slack-jawed defender Neville's sideburns until he's standing on tiptoe, then slap him round the face with the rule book before giving him the bum's rush out of Lancaster Gate with extra prep, swine that he is. Not since the days of Hitler has there been such a villain. Hanging's too good for pond life like that. Lynch the.. (that's enough - Ed) 29th January 2001 Congratulations to the Gills, who put up a fantastic fight in the second half, and to their fans, who got behind them so well after the shock of being two goals down within ten minutes. Chelsea now face an easy tie at The Library, er I mean Highbury, in the next round. Foolish bookmakers who have made Liverpoo favourites will deservedly be hammered when Chelsea lift the Cup for the second season running in May. What a shame to see the "great" Man U get stuffed at home by crappy little West Ham. The superb sight of the entire Man U defence stopping, and the awful Barthez waving at the ref for an offside decision instead of saving from Paulo Di Canio (who was clearly onside) will remain with me for a long time to come. Predictably, sore loser Lord Fergie of Lemonsuck had a face on him like a cat's arse and blamed anything but the players for losing the game. This time it was apparently the Rugby game played in November (!) and the referee who didn't add enough time on at the end (!!) who were responsible for Di Canio's goal. I expect they caused the Black Death and the Great Fire of London as well, eh, Fergie ? Ho ho ! 25th January 2001 24th January 2001
Dazed And Confused Chelsea don't get out of this scot free, either. Newton has one hundred times the work ethic and ten times the skill of that waster Sutton, and yet they let Eddie go on a free and paid £10 million for Sutton. Now does that make sense ? If we continue down that road of logic, then my old man is a mushroom and I am speaking to you from Tinkerbell's four-poster in never-never land... Must buy a Man U top... Laudrup wasn't such a twat after all... Ken Bates has got Chelsea fans' best interests at heart.. Tottenham are a good side... (etc). 23rd January 2001 22nd January 2001 19th January 2001 18th January 2001 So anyway, right, Ruud decides that the chance to avenge his humiliation at the hands of Santa Bates and Bulldog Hutchinson takes precedence over any hurt feelings he might have against the gentlemen of the press, so he exclusively reveals to them that "Football can be a very
hostile environment, especially for a coach. It's easier to sack the coach than the team." This appears to be a reference to the fact that he believes that it was player power that brought about his sacking, rather than the alleged £2 million a year wage demands made to Santa and Bulldog. As a manager, Ruud is clearly outraged by the notion of player power, but he appears to have developed a worrying case of amnesia in his old age: he seems to have conveniently forgotten that when he was a player he virtually pioneered the concept of player power, achieving the dizzying low of once orchestrating a mass walkout of the Dutch national team, if I remember rightly. Moreover, I seem to remember reading in his rather fanciful autobiography that he had had problems with virtually every coach he had ever worked with, usually resulting in his refusal to play until he was transferred. A fine state of fucking affairs, if you please. The best and most revealing part of the interview, however, was Gullit's comment when asked what he thought about Vialli's sacking: "If you live by the sword, you die by the sword." I'm sure there's a pizza waitress out there somewhere who would agree with you, Ruud. 17th January 2001 This fatuous, misleading statement graphically shows the kind of man Gullit really is behind the calculating, manufactured public image of the laid-back, worldly nice guy that he likes to portray. His contemptuous disregard for the achievements of former friend Gianluca Vialli, who in two seasons at Chelsea won four times more than him, reveals Gullit to be a selfish, vain, egoistic, bitter man who is still smarting from what he sees as his humiliation at the hands of Santa Bates and Bulldog Hutchinson. While I am suitably grateful to Gullit for being the catalyst for Chelsea's resurgence, this slur cannot go unanswered. Following a hair-raising consultation with Dr Les, I am able to prescribe the following medicine for Mr. Ruud boy: One Fuck Off pill, to be taken twice a day for three months. Avoid alcohol and pizza waitresses. 15th January 2001 I'm delighted to be featuring a new reporter on the site today. Klaus is known as the (only) Voice of the East Stand. He has turned in an excellent match report in his own stream of consciousness style, and it's well worth a read. STOP PRESS: I've received another match report, this time from Stephen Belfield, done in a take the piss journalist stylie. It made me laugh like a drain. Nice one. Just when everything was going so well, Dr Les has to turn up again like the proverbial bad penny, fresh from the fleshpots of Hong Kong. This time he's got it in for Arsenal's superannuated fullback Lee Dixon.. 12th January 2001 While we're still in cuckoo land: with some trepidation I've given Dr Les his own section on the site now, as I'm tired of all the 4 AM phone calls from various Hong Kong brothels and opium dens demanding to know why I've been ignoring him. 11th January 2001 10th January 2001 The press are now claiming that Dennis's Mum stopped him going to Blackburn. Needless to say this is also a load of arse: the truth is that it would have taken a mere three minutes of conversation with zombie Souness for Dennis to realise that he sucks even more lemons than the esteemed Claudio Ranieri. 9th January 2001 If you've ever wondered why I so rarely comment on rumours in the press, all should now be clear. One thing I've learned from years of constant frustration and disappointment is that most of the stuff you read on the back pages is made up by piss artists trying desperately to hang on to their jobs by stimulating artificial interest from us mug football fans. If what they do wasn't so dishonest and irritating I'd feel sorry for them. 8th January 2001 Chelsea are drawn away to Gillingham in the 4th round, which has the makings of a good game. Gillingham will be trying to avenge their defeat at Chelsea in the quarter final last season, while Chelsea will no doubt be struggling to produce any sort of form while playing away from Stamford Bridge, as seems to be the latest craze at the club. Last season's craze of ridiculous synchronised celebrations on scoring a goal, although irritating at the time, was, in retrospect, infinitely preferable. Chelsea Megastore has reduced the price of the current away shirt with "Autoglass" sponsor logo from £42.99 to £29.99. I'm sure Chelsea have the interests of their fans uppermost in their minds, rather than a relentless quest to squeeze as much cash as possible out of their merchandise, so should they not be mentioning in the promotion literature that the shirt is about to become obsolete ? Just a thought. 5th January 2001 5th January 2001 3rd January 2001 2nd January 2001 A pretty good Christmas for the Blues, with wins against Bradford City and whining Cup Final losers Aston Villa, although letting slip a two goal lead at Ipswich was a bit putrid. All part of Claudio's masterplan, no doubt. Onward and upward, though, and at least Chelsea are back in their rightful place in the Premiership, which is anywhere as long as it's above Tottenham. A Happy New Year to all my readers. December rants
© 1996-2002
Priesty's Chelsea FC Refuge.
More Man U Mayhem
Warning: Dr Les-style, politically very incorrect rant coming up. I note with relish that Gary Neville, Manchester United and England defender and one-time crooner with top eighties vocal group The Neville Brothers, has been charged with misconduct following United's defeat at the hands of a team of misfits on Sunday.
Cup Of Cheer
Chelsea forge ahead into the next round of the FA Cup, overcoming Gillingham 4-2. A typically fraught cup tie, with Chelsea surging into a 3-0 lead at half time, then Gillingham coming back from the dead to pull back two goals after the break. Chelsea were looking increasingly shaky as Gillingham very nearly levelled it several times before Eidur Gudjohnsen put the tie beyond doubt in the last minute.
Cat/Pigeon Interface
Don't say I didn't warn you.. Dr Les has found out about Eddie Newton, and he's spitting mad. He's also noticed what he takes as a criticism against him in my guestbook, and he's not letting it lie...
Fowl Up
As most of you know, I don't normally have any truck with the rumours you see bandied about on a daily basis in the media, but I've heard today from a good source, i.e. not journalists, that the depressing likelihood is that Chelsea will sign Toxteth-born tosser Robbie Fowler this week, and that the fee is likely to be approaching £15 million. I hope it's bollocks, because Dr Les will have a fit if he finds out that Rat Boy is coming, and so will I. Mind you, if he can bang in twenty goals before the end of the season (I mean Fowler, not Dr Les, by the way) I will, of course, deny that I ever had anything against the little scouse twat.
The byzantine workings of the football world never cease to surprise, amaze and confuse. Here's the perfect example: In an egregious insult to taste and decency, the Great Eddie Newton has been TURNED DOWN after a trial at - wait for it - LEYTON ORIENT ! What were they thinking of ? How could they have turned down a man of such obvious, exquisite talent, who only three years earlier had scored the winning goal in the Cup Final ? I ask you ! A fine state - if you will forgive me repeating an often-used phrase on this site - of fucking affairs.
More Tractor Mayhem
My East Stand Correspondent, Klaus, has surfaced from a king-sized hospitality hangover to deliver his verdict on what he can remember of the game against Ipswich.
Your Tractor's Broken
Cocky fans of Premiership team of the moment Ipswich sang "You're just a small team in London" after going one up in the game against Chelsea. Repent at leisure, you carrot crunchers, as the small London team ended up running out comprehensive 4-1 winners. Read Nialli Vialli's excellent Match report.
Dr Les On Bosnich
Oh, no ! Dr. Les has discovered that Chelsea have picked up Mark Bosnich on a free transfer. Surprisingly, I find myself agreeing with almost everything he says..
Ruud Again
Ruud Gullit was apparently happy to hold court with the same newspapermen who he had earlier blamed for ruining his career at Newcastle. You will recall that they had discovered that he was allegedly knocking off a pizza waitress while his partner Estelle Cruyff was in Holland looking after his baby. Newcastle were in free fall, England Captain Alan Shearer wasn't talking to him and, worst of all, they'd recently been humiliated at home by arch rivals Sunderland. According to wide boy Ruud, all that had nothing to do with it; it was the press that forced him to leave Newcastle in the lurch. Hmmm. It's funny how it always seems to be someone else's fault, isn't it, Ruud ?
Ruud Sod
Two-timing Dutch playboy and failed football manager Ruud Gullit has been bad-mouthing Chelsea in the media, presumably because he's still cross that he was sacked, allegedly for trying to hold Chelsea to ransom by making unreasonable wage demands. With a nauseating assassination of both truth and grammar, Ruud claimed that "After I was sacked, it's been going downhill ever since."
Bumnal 1 Blues 1
The London derby between North London knobheads Arsenal and the Mighty Blues ended up pretty much as I predicted on Friday, minus the Bogarde hat trick, the Leboeuf header and Cudicini scoring from a goal kick, that is..
Bumnal Preview
I'm looking forward with relish to the match against atrocious North London pretenders Bumnal at the library, er I mean Highbury, tomorrow. I predict a 5-0 drubbing, with Cudicini scoring from a goal kick, Frank Leboeuf from a header, and a hat trick while on crutches from Winston Bogarde, who will come on as a surprise late replacement for Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink. Claudio Ranieri will be hailed in the newspapers as a tactical genius, and Chelsea will go another four places higher than Tottenham in the league. You read it here first.
Let's All Laugh At Scousers Dept.
One of my regular contributors, who had better remain nameless, reckons that if the unthinkable should happen and Chelsea sign Toxteth-born homophobic hooligan twerp Robbie "Rat Boy" Fowler, Chelsea'a sponsors Autoglass, the car window replacement people, should offer to pay the transfer fee. His reason ? "Business would most certainly increase once Fowler's thieving extended scouse family comes down to watch him". Good one. No offence, scousers, you thieving gits.
An Apology
Ladies and Gentlemen: it seems that I owe an apology to the cretins of the media (barf). It appears that Dennis Wise DID get as far as talking about a move to Blackburn with their manager, Graeme "Monotone" Souness. It was just the other 99% of the stories about Dennis leaving that were complete bullshit.
Unwise...
Another own goal from the nitwits of the football media, who have spent the best part of a week concocting ever more fanciful stories about Dennis Wise leaving Chelsea for various destinations including Rangers, Aston Villa and Blackburn. Hopefully I need not mention that the truth is that Dennis has never made a transfer request, and that the whole deal was a fantasy got up by cretins who don't have the mental capacity to work in a sheep-dip, let alone as journalists.
My God ! He's Full Of Arse !
Barry "Rumpelstiltskin" Fry's prediction that Peterborough would provide the shock of the FA Cup third round by beating holders Chelsea almost comes true as his team narrowly lose by five goals to nil. What a plonker. No disrespect intended to Peterborough, who, unlike their boss, left Stamford Bridge with some dignity..
My God ! It's Full Of Stars !
The estimable Dr. Les has once again been on his travels, keeping up with his single-minded quest to sample every cathouse in the Orient. This time his insatiable libido has led him to Singapore, home of the legendary ladyboys of Bugis Street, and land of instant death for drug smugglers. His diagnosis is that it is not a good place for Chelsea fans, and he is seeking my opinion on whether rat-faced, loud-mouthed, homosexualist hooligan Robbie Fowler would be a good signing for the Blues. 
My God ! It's Full Of Stars !
Chelsea are playing a team with a name not a million miles away from sounding like Heaterbra in the FA Cup 3rd round at Stamford Bridge on Saturday (I'd like to see the FA sue me for that). The team in question are managed by odious Rumpelstiltskin clone Barry Fry. You would be well advised to forget the match completely and concentrate solely on watching the usual ludicrous, overblown histrionics from the pint sized megalomaniac as he abuses both his own team and ours from the touchline.
I'm Afraid I can't Do That, Dave
Bang up to date as usual, here's the Bradford match report form Nialli Vialli, our Stamford Bridge correspondent. Witty, pithy and scathing, as usual.
Open The Pod Bay Doors, Hal
Well, here we are at last. 2001, and still no sign of the monolith thingy that's full of stars. I'm bitterly disappointed, but will continue to support Chelsea Football Club while eagerly awaiting the year 2010, when life as we know it will suddenly evolve on Jupiter's moon Europa. Wibble.
