Rants

20th Sept 2004
Tottenham Half Decent Shocker
It goes without saying that I was as high as a kite and had been drinking heavily before the match, but I could have sworn that Rottenham put up a determined and almost proficient display yesterday. Can anyone confirm this ? Or should I just cut down on the hallucinogenics ?

18th August 2004
Mourinho - Chelsea Are Boring
Judging by the shamefully turgid display against Man U last weekend, followed by his robust defence of his tactics in the press, Senor Mourinho apparently believes that it is OK for Chelsea to win the Premiership by playing boring football. I feel it is my duty to swiftly disabuse him of this dangerous notion, not least because it is my information that "ole JR" (Roman Abramovich to you) is a leading proponent of the exciting, attacking style of football that Chelsea are so famous for, and will almost certainly not take too kindly to such a ridiculous idea, particularly when it is rumoured that this was one of his main reasons for dumping Don Claudio.

On the grounds that you would not be visiting this site if you were not interested in my opinion, I will reveal that although I've spent the last 35 years praying for Chelsea to win the title, I'd rather not bother if it means scoring one goal and then playing the rest of the game in our own half. So fuck you, Jose, get with the programme, pack in all this nonsense and start entertaining the troops or you will find yourself replaced by Kevin Keegan before you can say "Bacalao".

2nd July 2004
No Hassel
Sad that we must say farewell to comic genius Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink, binned by Chelsea presumably because they think that Crespo is the future. I for one will miss the sheer entertainment derived from watching Jimmy tripping over the ball one minute, then getting up and producing a goal of stunning quality the next. Warm wishes to Jimmy and thanks for the memories.

4th June 2004
Claudio Ranieri - Chelsea Legend
Any lingering doubts you may have harboured concerning Don Claudio must surely be cast aside on hearing the news of his rejection of the "famous" Tottenham Hotspurs' advances, as predicted on this site. My spy at the meeting quotes Ranieri as telling the Rottenham board that they had "a fucking nerve" calling themselves a big club when they never come above tenth in the Premiership, and that they should therefore go and fuck themselves.

Ranieri went on to describe Spurs as "a tinpot little pub team" whose only saving grace was "the six points and a fucking good laugh" they gave Chelsea each season. He also mentioned that he would be "running round Tottenham with my willy hanging out" in the very near future. By an astonishing coincidence Don Claudio's opinion of Rottenham almost exactly mirrors my own and Dr Les', which only goes to prove that great minds think alike. Arrivederci, Claudio Ranieri, Chelsea Legend.

2nd June 2004
Take The Money and Ran
So, it's finally goodbye to Don Claudio, who has proved conclusively not only that he's a coach of great talent, but that he has the crucial ability to make 40-odd overpaid prima donnas work for him and the club. He has also shown during the past few months that he is a man of humility, patience and integrity. Before the arrival of Kenyon and Abramovich this impressive array of talents, combined with the excellent league placing and the long run in the Champions League, would have made Claudio invincible. Alas the big-bucks mentality that is slowly ruining football is now the driving factor at Chelsea.

I have come to admire and respect Claudio in the few years since he arrived at Chelsea, and I place him in the same league as Luca Vialli, Graeme Le Saux, Kerry Dixon and many others who have left Stamford Bridge with their heads held high. I fully expect the Don to tell Rottenham to go and fuck themselves before driving off into the sunset in his Ferarri with a large cheque signed by Kenyon in the breast pocket of his Aquascutum pure new wool double-breasted blazer.

I suppose we should also cautiously welcome Jose Mourinho. If he is half the man that Claudio is we will be laughing. Speaking of half a man, the odious Dr Les has been pestering me again, demanding that I print his latest meanderings. I do so in the vain hope that he will become a better person once he's got the poison out of his system. Read on if you must, but remember that we are dealing with a man who thinks that there is nothing nobler in life than to render himself incapable at every opportunity.

Previous rants