Beyondananda News
| Date | Location | Information |
| 10/18/99 | Grass Valley, CA [New Frontiers Foundation] | 530-272-4013, 265-3408 |
| 10/31/99 | Walnut Creek, CA [Unity of Walnut Creek] | 925-937-2191 |
| 11/4/99 | Key West, FL [Holistic Lawyers Conference] | 561-798-3994 |
| 11/7/99 | Hollywood, FL [Unity Church, Hollywood, FL] | 954-922-5521 |
| 11/9/99 | Gainesville, FL [Unity of Gainesville] | 352-466-1200 |
| 11/13/99 | Palm Beach, FL [Universal Lightworkers] | 1-888-LIGHT-55 |
| 11/20/99 | Grass Valley, CA [ New Frontiers Foundation] | 530-272-4013, 265-3408 |
| 11/21/99 | Santa Rosa, CA [Church of Religious Science] | 707-546-4543 |
Date: Fri, 29 Oct 1999 21:31:17
From: Steve Bhaerman <swamib@saber.net>
Organization: Lite Headed Productions
Swami Beyondananda Wanted for Questioning
After thirteen years of writing his column, Ask the Swami, the renowned
guru of Ho-ho-holy Hee-hee-healing has decided that he has been working
twice as much as necessary. “All this time,” Beyondananda explains, “I
have been making up both the questions and the answers. And you know
what? I feel as if I’m talking to myself. So from now on, I plan to work
half as much because I’m just gonna make up the answers. The readers have
to provide the questions. It will be a perfect trade off. I will answer
their questions, and they in turn will question my answers.”
The new column, Karma Talk, will be launched in December, 1999 and will be
fueled by YOUR questions. And now, Swami answers some of your unasked
questions about the kinds of questions to ask:
Q. Your column is being called Karma Talk. Does that mean you will
answer questions about past lives?
A. Past lives? Nah. Been there, done that. Past lives are a thing of
the past. I’m more interested in present life readings, to help people
open their present and enjoy the gift they’ve been given. No, this new
column is about helping you drive your own karma, get out on the
expressway -- and begin expressing. And of course, there’s nothing like a
good laughsitive to help us get off, and get off it all at the same time.
Q. What about metaphysical questions, Swami?
A. Yep, we’re still taking metaphysical questions. In fact, I never
metaphysical question I didn’t like. But more and more, when I hear
questions like, “How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?” (Answer:
All of them. It’s part of their training.), I think, if it was me asking
about angels, I’d ask how to get them to dance in my life.
Q. How about current affairs and politics?
A. Even though I eschew politics (and it’s important to eschew it well,
especially if you plan on swallowing any of it), I am happy to answer
questions about current affairs -- that is, affairs of the state as
opposed to affairs of the statesmen. I think we had enough of that last
year as the Republicans played Pin the Tale on the Donkey,
Q. How about unanswerable questions?
A. Ah, my favorite kind. Less work for me. A question that needs no
answer is a Zen Cohen -- a configuration of words designed to ignite a
moment of enlightenment with a spark of laughter. Yes, by all means send
me your original Zen Cohens. And your Punjabs, too, for that matter -- I
love to see a point made using wordplay.
Q. Do we get anything if our question is printed?
A. Absolutely! You get to see your question in print.
Q. Should we use our own names, or should we make up clever names
ourselves? The names you use are always so interesting.
A. That’s why doing the column was so time consuming for me. First, I
had to track people down with those unusual names -- then I had to
convince them to ask me those questions. So I leave it up to you. Use
your own name, use a nickname, use a pseudonym -- you do the work!
Q. How about personal questions about you, Swami?
A. Sure, why not. I promise to answer or evade any questions about my
personal life and personal appearances. For example, if you asked me if
that rumor is true -- that I am really going to be channeling Elvis’s
message for the new millennium this November, I would tell you, “Yes, it
is absolutely so.” Very recently, Elvis came to me in a dream, and he was
singing, “Please Release Me,” and then he said, ‘Swami, you gotta help me.
I been tryin’ to get out of here for twenty-two years, but somethin’s been
holding me back. The problem is, people keep worshipping the singer when
they really need to hear the words of the song. Please share my message
with the people so I can finally Leave the Building and return to Sender.”
And you know what? While Elvis sightings have slackened off, Elvis
“hearings” are on the increase. This year for example, the King’s
unmistakeable voice has been heard in Kosovo and in East Timor singing,
“Don’t Be Cruel.” When I heard this, I immediately went to a nearby
Presleyterian seminary and examined all of Elvis’s utterances. And I came
up with a song, “Love Me Tender, Please Surrender, Return to Sender” which
uses the titles of 31 Elvis tunes to convey the King’s true message. As
soon as I had what I thought was the message, I decided to check it out at
the Shrine of the Velvet Elvis in Toledo, Ohio. I sang the song, and I
distinctly saw the painting wink and the upper lip curl. That was all I
needed for confirmation. So in all my live appearances this November in
Florida and California, I will be channeling this message. To find out
the particulars, check out my website, http://www.beyondananda.com or call
the hotline at 1-800-SWAMI-BE. And please send me your questions, Zen
Cohens and Punjabs. Now I cannot guarantee that your question will be
seen in print but I will say this: Those that are printed will definitely
be seen.
* * * *
Copyright 1999 by Steve Bhaerman. All rights reserved.
NOW AVAILABLE! Swami’s new book, Duck Soup for the Soul, is hot off
the presses. Let the Guru of Ho-ho-holy Hee-hee-healing offer his
unique recipe for living louder and laughing longer! Autographed copies
now available for $10 plus $3 shipping. Or, order Swami’s three audio
tapes ($33 plus $3 shipping) and get Duck Soup FREE! To order by mail and
get a catalogue of Swami's products write to Lite Headed Productions, 400
W. Third St., Suite D-144, Santa Rosa, CA 95401. To place a credit card
order, call Swami's special product ordering line at 1-800-SWAMI-BE or
visit Swami ‘s website at http://www/beyondananda.com. Or, ask for it at
bookstores. Remember, laughter is physically healing because it causes
the blood vessels to dilate, which beats having them die early!
Got anything you want the Swami to comment on? Some puzzling personal
issues? Having karma trouble? Send your questions in now. Deadline for
December column is Monday, November 1st. And don’t worry about being
funny ... the Swami will take care of that.
______________________________________________________________________
Date: Mon, 18 Oct 1999 11:45:06 +0000
From: Steve Bhaerman <swamib@saber.net>
Organization: Lite Headed Productions
To: swamib@saber.net
Beyondanews -- October, 1999
Dear Friends:
Well, the millennium is quickly coming to its turning point, and soon
Y2K will be a thing of the past. With this temporary distraction behind
us, we can begin to plan for truly important stuff in the future -- like
Y3K. For those of you still suffering from PMSD (Pre-Millennial Stress
Disorder) the answer might be as simple as a gentle laughsitive. In
fact, when it comes to recommending laughter as a relief for stress,
four out of five doctors say, “Ha!”
Seriously, Trudy and I recently returned from the Bio-Meridian
Conference in Park City, Utah -- a gathering of of 250 health
professionals who happen to use this particular diagnostic tool. The
response to Swami and my talk on the “Alchemy of Humor” was
overwhelmingly positive, and I sold out of all my Duck Soup books on the
first day. A number of people came to me with stories of how laughter
has helped them in their practices and personal lives, and how an
infusion of laughter (in a light vein, of course) has helped their
patients maintain a better attitude, relieve pain, and regain vitality.
One M.D. from Florida, in fact, ordered copies of Swami’s tape, Don’t
Squeeze the Shaman, and is sending his patients home with the
instructions to listen and laugh.
In fact, so many people are coming to me with stories of how Duck Soup
for the Soul and Swami’s tapes have helped them regain perspective
through laughter, that I am instituting an old program that some of you
might remember from the Swami’s early days. I call it “Swami’s Hit
List.” Now of course this is a fun and friendly hit list, although some
of the hit list recipients have actually exploded with laughter. Here’s
how it works: When you put someone on our hit list by buying them
Swami’s books, tapes or the book and tape special (see below), we send
them a special autographed greeting from the Swami with your name listed
as the Laughter Donor. Or, we can send the gift and gift card directly
to you, and you can actually watch the laughter detonate in person!
NEW SWAMI COLUMN ! After thirteen years of Ask the Swami, I’ve decided
to revitalize the column by making it more interactive. The new
column, Karma Talk, will be launched in December, and will involve real
questions from readers. These can be serious questions about personal
spiritual issues, metaphysical questions (Swami never metaphysical
question he didn’t like), affairs of state (although not affairs of
statesmen -- we had enough of that last year as Republicans played “pin
the tale on the donkey”) and even unaswerable questions. (Swami says he
loves those -- less work for him.) Those unanswerable questions
(original ones, please) Swami calls Zen Cohens -- and if we print yours
.... you’ll get to see yours in print! Use your own name, or make one
up. Yes, the Swami is wanted for questioning ... and YOU are Columbo.
STEVE AND SWAMI ON THE OUTERNET. If you or anyone you know wants to
bring more healing laughter into your life, I will be doing two
workshops on the Alchemy of Humor in California this fall. The first
will be a three-hour mini-workshop at Walnut Creek Unity Church on
Sunday afternoon, October 31st. For more information, please call (925)
937-2191. Also, I will be doing an all-day workshop on Saturday,
November 20th sponsored by the New Frontiers Foundation in Grass
Valley. For information on that, please call (530) 272-4013 or (530)
265-3406. These will be excellent opportunities to laugh more and
experience true abundance -- a good joke, quip or funny story multiplies
like loaves and fishes. One person comes into a room with a joke, and
dozens leave with it!
SWAMI TO CHANNEL ELVIS’S MESSAGE FOR THE NEW MILLENNIUM! Swami
Beyondananda, spiritual leader to the world’s FUNdamentalists -- accent
on fun -- and author of the recent book, Duck Soup for the Soul, has
revealed that he will be channeling Elvis’s final message for the
Millennium at all of his appearances in November.
Speaking at a press conference at the Shrine of the Velvet Elvis in
Toledo, Ohio, Swami told reporters that the spirit of Elvis came to him
in a dream. “I distinctly heard him singing Please Release Me, and then
he said, ‘Swami, you gotta help me. I been tryin’ to get out of here
for twenty-two years, but somethin’s been holding me back. The problem
is, people keep worshipping the singer when they really need to hear the
words of the song. Please share my message with the people so my spirit
can be set free. Tell my fans, thank you for loving me tender but now I
must return to Sender.”
So Swami made a pilgrimage to the Shrine of the Velvet Elvis and
uttered the Presleyterian prayer to the King: “I want you, I need you,
I love you ... with all my heart.” And suddenly, it was revealed to him
-- a song which he calls “Hymn to the King” and which contains the
titles of 31 Elvis tunes in the lyrics. “After the last word of the
song was revealed to me,” the Swami says, “I knew I had it because the
painting of Elvis seemed to wink at me, and I could swear that his upper
lip curled in a smile as if to say, ‘Now at long last ... Elvis can
finally leave the Building.”
The Swami will be sharing Elvis’s healing message by channeling the
King in several appearances in Florida and California in November.
Scheduled Florida appearances are at the Holistic Lawyers Conference in
Marathon Key (yep, that’s right .. the Assaholistic Lawyers on the other
hand will be having THEIR conference over in Key West) ... Swami will be
appearing on Thursday evening November 4th at that event. For more
info, please call (561) 798-3994.
On Sunday, November 7th, Steve will be doing the church services at
Hollywood (FL) Unity, and then a performance that afternoon. For more
info, please call (954) 922-5521.
On Tuesday evening, November 9th, we will be at Unity of Gainesville.
For more info, please call (352) 466-1200.
And on Saturday evening, November 13th, the Swami will be channenling
Elvis (not to mention Bulwinkle, Ed Sullivan and Jimmy Durante) at the
Universal Lightworkers Conference in Palm Beach. In fact, this is an
excellent opportunity to hear many other enlightening speakers including
(to mention just two) James Twyman (the Peace Troubadour) and Glenda
Green (author of Love Without End, a book that’s had a great positive
influence on our lives this past year). For more information, please
call 1-888-LIGHT-55.
Finally, the Swami will be performing his outrageous humor (along with
some musical surprises) at the Santa Rosa Church of Religious Science on
Sunday afternoon, November 21st. For more info on that, please call
(707) 546-4543.
And finally, finally to order Swami’s gift pack (all three tapes, Duck
Soup book free, cost is $36, including shipping) or Duck Soup book ($13
includes shipping), please send check or money order to 400 W. Third
St., Suite D-144, Santa Rosa, CA 95401, or call 1-800-SWAMI-BE with
credit card number, expiration date (the card’s, not yours) and address
where packet is to be mailed. Please also include your name, the name
of the gift recipient, and anything you want Swami to put on the “donor
card.” Also, don’t forget to visit Swami’s website at
www.beyondananda.com for updates, fun quizzes, etc. The website will be
undergoing some changes over the next few months to make it more
informative, interactive and fun ... so watch that space.
Well, that’s about it ... I was going to wish you a great fall, but
since that’s what Humpty Dumpty supposedly had, I will say, “have a
terrific rise” instead.
May the FARCE be with you,
Steve Bhaerman
NOTE. Despite rumors that he sold Spam multilevel through a company
called Spamway, Swami dislikes spam as much as you do. So if you want
to be removed from this newsletter mailing list, please notify us by
simply saying REMOVE. Thank you!
Subject: beyondanews
Date: Mon, 13 Sep 1999 23:48:14 +0000
From: Steve Bhaerman <swamib@saber.net>
Organization: Lite Headed Productions
To: swamib@saber.net
Steve Bhaerman
Lite Headed Productions
400 W. Third St., Suite D-144
Santa Rosa, CA 95401
(707) 525-0711
e-mail swamib@saber.net
Beyondanews -- September 1999
September 13, 1999
Dear Friends:
Hope you had a productive and enjoyable summer and you weren’t totally
clipped by the total eclipse or grandly crossed by the grand cross. And
with Y2K looming, hope you’ve got lots of Y2KY Jelly on hand. We don’t
know exactly what’s in store in the coming months, but we do know that
whatever it is, laughter will help. So be sure to have plenty of Duck
Soup to share with friends, particularly those suceptible to
humorrhoids. Speaking of Duck Soup, I’ve just come off a recent radio
tour (in fact, my slogan is “dress for radio”) where I’ve done drive
time and talk radio shows all across the country, and I was encouraged
to find that all kinds of mainstream radio people loved the book and
were more positive and far less cynical than I remember media people
being the last time I had a book out. Testimonials and reviews are
coming in, and we expect to have exerpts posted on beyondananda.com
website ASAP.
Speaking of the website, many of you have enjoyed participating in the
quizzes and because of technical difficulties (i.e., anything technical
is difficult for me) we haven’t announced the winners and runners-up in
a timely fashion (or, for that matter, an untimely fashion). So I want
to announce recent winners and honorably mention those who also had
right answers -- or, at least interesting answers. So here goes:
The June Quiz question was: Which store do you go to to buy genetic
engineering kits? Many interesting answers came in -- although no one
got the one I was thinking of -- JUST GENES. Some of the better
submissions included Home DNApot (by Kat), Clone Depot (Marie Russell
from Florida), any bakery that sells Dolly Made-a-son ice cream (William
Ausspring really stretched us there) and my personal favorite, Build Her
Square, submitted by Deb Grabowski.
The July Quiz question: A man came to a pychiatrist and told him
everything in his life was fine except seeing twins made him extremely
uptight. What was the docotors diagnosis? Both Lewis Lowe of
Arlington, Virginia and Stan Cuthbert of Washington, Michigan hit it on
the head with “the man was pair-annoyed.” However, David Block thought
the diagnosis was “two tense” and Sharon Uhlig suggested “double
disjointed.”
The August question: Why did the mob hire Keith Richard to do away with
David Crosby and Roger McGuinn? Linda Mathews of Whippany, New Jersey
(make up your own joke about that!) came in first with the correct
answer: Because they wanted to kill two Byrds with one Stone. Several
others got that one as well: Lewis Lowe again, along with Mary Olson,
Kevin Burgess, Terry Rogers, Earle Youngdahl, and Phil Taterczynski.
SWAMI ON THE OUTERNET ... You can come and see the Swami and I in person
this month if you’re in California .. Swami will be at Thunderbird
Books in Carmel on Thursday, September 16th offering some new material,
including channeling some of the late greats as they take a shot at pop
music. Jimmy Durante, Ed Sullivan, Howard Cosell and yes, even
Bulwinkle will croon their favorite 60s and 70s tunes. For more
information, call (831) 624-4469. And on Sunday, September 19th, I will
be doing a church service on the Alchemy of Humor at the New Thought
Center in La Jolla (San Diego area). For information on that please
call (858) 974-9830.
In October, we travel east -- to the Energy Medicine Conference in Park
City, Utah (September 30th-October 2nd). For info, call
Then, I am off to Virginia Beach to do a show at the Heritage Store
(757) 428-0100 on Friday, October 8th, and a UFO conference there on
Saturday, October 9th (call 703 - 582-6853). I will be joined by fellow
Foreverly Brother Matthew Alexander, and together we will help heal the
oldies. We will also be doing the Sunday morning service at Peninsula
Unity in Newport News -- (757) 851-3420.
Meanwhile, back in California, I will be appearing in Grass Valley with
the New Frontiers Foundation on Monday, October 18th (530 - 272-4013,
265-3408) and Unity of Walnut Creek on Sunday, October 31st (925 -
937-2191) ... These will be the only times this fall I will be offering
my humor workshop!
May your month be full of life, love and light -- and may the FARCE be
with you.
Steve Bhaerman
NOTE. Despite rumors that he sold Spam multilevel through a company
called Spamway, Swami dislikes spam as much as you do. So if you want
to be removed from this newsletter mailing list, please notify us by
simply saying REMOVE. Thank you!
Dear Friends:
Just a note to let you know that Trudy and I have successfully made the move
from Texas to Sonoma County, California. We have enrolled in a “de-Tex”
program here in the Santa Rosa area and are almost completely detexified,
although Trudy is still a devout Bootist. Seriously, we miss our friends in Texas
and hope they’ll visit us out here!
First order of business is our new e-mail address --swamib@saber.net.
Swami’s new book DUCK SOUP FOR THE SOUL has hit the stores, and initial
response has been terrific. They’ve been flying off the shelves (and this is
without Swami using his psychokinetic powers!)...
This summer, I am working on writing and music projects, but we do have several
gigs scheduled.
In July, we travel to the southeast to do a Swami performance at Unity of
Savannah on Wednesday evening, July 28th (for info call 912 355-4704)...
and then we’ll be at the Southeastern Conference in Greensboro, North Carolina
on Friday the 30th and Saturday the 31st of July. The Friday evening program will
include Swami Beyondananda along with my special buddy, singer-songwriter
Matthew Alexander. Besides the Swami performance and Matthew’s music set,
the program will feature “Healing the Oldies with the Foreverly Brothers”
(Matthew and me) ... On Saturday, I will be doing my humor workshop. For more
information, call Anne Atwell (919) 477-7018.
In August, Matthew will be coming out to the Santa Rosa area, and he and I (along
with musician Daniel Taylor) will be doing a musical showcase at the New College
in downtown Santa Rosa on Friday evening, August 20th. For info on that one,
watch this space or call me at (707)829-5242. Matthew and I are now offering
programs on the Healing Power of Laughter and Music, and of course we
continue to perform as the Foreverly Brothers.
Oh .. one more thing. Now that we seem to be settled in the Santa Rosa area, I
can turn my attention more creating more interaction on my website. One of the
things I’ve discovered in a dozen years as a fool-time humorist is the power of
humorous, healing stories -- what the Swami calls Zen Cohens. I am now in the
process of collecting the following:
Funny jokes that also teach or make an important point.
Original, unpublished personal stories that illustrate the healing power of
humor. “Random acts of comedy” that you perpetrated or observed that likewise
created healing laughter. “Punjabs” -- original, unpublished bits of wordplay that
I plan to publish the best of these (or, those that strike my fancy -- and if your
fancy has ever been struck, you know what a rush that can be!) and give the
author or contributor credit, and we all know that credit is the next best thing to
cash! So please feel free to email these, and we will notify you if we intend to
publish your contribution.
Thanks for reading this far (no fair if you started at the bottom of the page), have
a wonderful summer -- and may the FARCE be with you.
Steve Bhaerman
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