DAMSEL IN THE ROUGH at Barnes & Nobles
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The era is Ancient Greece during the start of the Roman Empire. Amazon warriors travel in secret tribes, not always getting alone with each other. The world is a deadly, changing place afflicted by the superior technology of gods. Damsel in the Rough is Tasha Malone Fidelli, a resourceful co-ed and unwitting time-traveler from Brooklyn, New York. Excellent Sci-fi, active, packed with valid survival techniques, unique questions about prehistory events, and mostly adventure with rampant humor mixed in the lore of mythological fancy.
SAMPLE TEXT: This is Chapter 4 split into small pages, no frames, and much kinder to WEBTV browsers.
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JOKES page 6

BUMPER STICKERS

Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Support Search & Rescue - GET LOST!
Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming in terror like his passengers.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
If you are close enough to read this, I am close enough to slam on my brakes and sue you.
I brake for hallucinations.
Pardon my driving. I'm reloading.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
There are two kinds of pedestrians - the quick and the dead.
Beat the 5 o'clock rush, leave work at noon!
They couldn't repair my brakes, so they made my horn louder.
Drive carefully! Remember, it's not only a car that can be recalled by it's maker.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
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Robert De Niro, Jerry Lewis, Sandra Bernhard. Touching Black Comedy. A funny satire on America's media obsession. This movie pre-dates the celebrity/stalker phenomenon. A poignent and touching story about Rupert Bupkin (De Niro) who only fantasizes about his life, instead of having one. Great performances by De Niro, Lewis, and Bernhard. Scorsese's direction is marvelous as usual.

CHICKEN WIRE

Enjoying the sun rise, an old man sat on his front porch down in Louisiana. As he glanced up the road, the neighbor's kid walked by carrying something big under his arm.
The old man yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."
Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"
Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens."
Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset the boy returns and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.
Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape."
Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"
Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks."
Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"
Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy returns and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man sees the boy carrying a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.
Old man says, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy says "Pussy willow."
Old man says "Wait up.... I'll get my hat."
*****************************

MEN

Men are like vacations....they never seem to be long enough.
Men are like computers...hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
Men are like coolers...load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like chocolate bars...sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like coffee....The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night.
Men are like laxatives..... They irritate the shit out of you.
A man is like a snowstorm....you never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long he will last.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
How do you save a man from drowning? Take your foot off his head.
Why are men like tile floors ? If you lay 'em properly the first time you can walk all over 'em for years.
***********

TWO LITTLE BOYS
Two little boys are sitting in front of the Doctors office.
 One of them is crying very hard. 
The other boy asks the one crying,
   "What's the matter?"
 The crying boy replies,"I came here for a blood test".
 The second boy answers,"That's no reason to cry".
The first boy says, "No, I mean,I came here 
for a blood test and they cut my finger".
Hearing this the second boy starts crying. 
The first boy says to the second,"Why are you crying"?
Through his tears, the second boy replies," Well, I 
came here for a urine test"
***********

DEAD DONKEY

A clergyman awoke one morning to find a dead donkey in his front yard. He had no idea how it got there, but he knew he had to get rid of it. So, he called the sanitation department, the health department, and several other agencies, but no one seemed able to help him. In desperation, the good reverend called the mayor and asked what should be done.
The mayor must have been having a bad day. "Why bother me?" he asked. "You're a clergyman. It's your job to bury the dead."
The pastor lost his cool. "Yes," he snapped. "But I thought I should at least notify the next-of-kin."
********
  A bum asks a man for two dollars.
  The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"
  The bum said, "No."
  The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"
  The bum said, "No."
  Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see
what
  happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

Bud Abbot and Lou Costello and Margerie Main. EXCELLENT Comedy. Unusual Western spoof for A&C, inspired by real-life law: Lou is accused of killing a man, and is required to take care of his wife (Main)THE WIDOW HAWKINS and children (seven). Costello then becomes sheriff, convinced that no one will dare kill him. This is a riot!

*******

WHY AMERICANS SHOULD NEVER BE ALLOWED TO TRAVEL

The following are actual stories provided by travel agents:
I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts."
Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa."
Her response ...click.
A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
He replied, "Don't lie. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."
I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?"
I said, "No."
He said "But they look so close on the map."
Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay-over in Dallas. I asked him why he wanted to rent a car
He said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I needed a car to drive between the gates to save time."
A nice lady needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?"
I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
************

CHURCH ANNOUNCEMENTS

If worry is killing you, our church can help.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
Thursday night--Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the birth of their first child.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
***********

ONE LINERS

Oh I just love sarcasm
I never have a little to say
Let's take a survey to abolish all polls
I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not sure
Why have I never asked you a question?
You're unique like everyone else
Five years from now I see myself in the mirror
Totally disregard this sentence
I don't have time to be patient
There's no way you can convince me that I'm stubborn
I lost my book on getting organized
Bad grammar ain't got no place in this world
All too often are we contented by obscure proverbs
My ego has a mind of its own
I'm fated to not believe in destiny
You too will be a cynic one day
I assure you that I don't make promises
Have I told you that I don't forget things?
I'm joining the National Society of Individualists
Let me reiterate that I never repeat what I have to say
What's another word for synonym?
I don't want my children to have siblings
Disobey written orders
Oh, I remember what epiphany means!
It's bad luck to be superstitious
I don't want my children to have siblings
I'm not a voyeur; everyone else is just an exhibitionist
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand
Why am I state debate champion? Well, because.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.

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