As a kid, I remember making sure both sides of my body felt symmetrical. Thus, if I had an itch on my left leg, I'd also have to scratch the right to feel balanced. I figured it was a habit and it was harmless.

As I grew to be a teenager and started my first serious relationship with a guy, I found I was constantly worrying about the relationship, checking on him to be sure he was where he said he was. The jealousy was intense and the paranoia maddening but I thought it was normal for being in love.

This continued in every relationship thereafter. The deeper I cared, the more I worried and the more suspicion there was. It ruined most of my relationships I think because no one wants to feel they are being suffocated and my ways were definitely suffocating.

It was in my early 20s, however, when things became really inflamed. I was in another relationship with a guy who was very controlling and moody. This intensified my possessiveness. I found myself stopping at his home early mornings before work to check to see if things were okay with our relationship. No amount of his reassurance helped me though and bouts with tears for me were a daily occurence. Friends and family worried about me because of the amount of unhappiness I had with his person, yet I continued in the relationship.

My work started being affected when I'd find myself worrying about having left something on (i.e., curling iron or faucets). I just KNEW that somehow I'd be responsible for either burning down or flooding the house I was renting. Another fear was not locking the doors. The thing is, I'd check and re-check myself when I left the house, even saying out loud that I turned something off or that I locked the door. I'd become very deliberate in every action, repeating actions until I felt okay. Thus, I'd turn the deadbolt 10 times or more back and forth being sure I ended the motion in the door being locked. Since we had an electric stove at the time and I couldn't see a flame when the burner was on, I'd have to feel the burner over and over to be sure it was off. I'd find myself coming up with bizarre excuses to run home from work to check on the things I was worried I left on or undone.

I tried counseling (all kinds) and all people knew to say was "quit worrying." I tried cognitive thinking which teaches you to turn negative thoughts into positive thoughts but nothing worked and the more I talked about the fears and worries, the more the problems intensified.

I guess the very worst point I reached was when I started barricading my bedroom door at night. I had developed a new fear that I would get a call from my boyfriend while I was sleeping, answer the phone without waking up completely and screaming at him or saying horrible things and then hanging up. I had never sleep-walked or anything like that which is what really made this fear unrealistic. I'd block my bedroom door with furniture and even lock it because I figured if I had to move all the furniture and unlock the door to get to the phone, I'd wake up all the way and realize what I was doing.

I'd drive over a bump in the road at night and think I'd run something or someONE over. So, I'd drive around in circles, rechecking to see if there was anything flattened in the road because of my carelessness. This still didn't help my fear however, because I'd worry that whatever I hit was now in a ditch on the side of the road out of sight.

When I tried to resist the urge to re-check things, I started having panic attacks. I'd get hot and my heart would race and I'd feel like I was going to die. Those attacks were horrifying to me!

Finally, one night in 1989, I was reading a favorite magazine of mine: "First for Women." In the magazine was an article entitled, "Prisoner of Obsession," by Barbara O'Conner. I started reading it and it pulled me in like nothing ever had. Suddenly I felt so many things at once.....heart-gripping fear and a sense of relief all at the same time. So much of what she talked about sounded like me!

Soon after that, I took myself to the doctor, diagnosed myself (basically) and was started on some medication. Within a couple of weeks, I was a different person! I even ended the relationship that had been so awful for so long. I felt "normal" for the first time in my life. It was wonderful.

I have carried this with me all these years and revealed to very few close friends and family what has gone on with me. It's amazing how even those that think they know you so well, know so little when you are surrounded by a disorder like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ("OCD"). I was a "high functioning" individual so it was impossible for others to detect a problem.