Where can you go for help?   Well lucky for you, you have come to exactly the right place.  I am a large lap dog myself so I am an expert on this topic.  The first thing you must do is determine who owns the problem.  You have the problem of getting comfortable on a lap and that is the one we will work on.  If your companion humans are worried about not being able to see the T.V. ,  well that is their problem not yours, so leave them to work it out. Does that sound heartless? Don't worry, they will find a solution if you help them.

You see for largish dogs like us, it is much more comfortable to sleep on a lap if the person has enough sense to sit on a couch or a love seat.  An easy chair is okay if the person uses a footstool to extend the lap space.  The problem is that most people are creatures of habit so they automatically flop into that same old chair every night and unless you let them experience a little discomfort they will never change their ways.  So how do you get them to change?  It is easy.  First of all I want to stress that regardless of your size you have are absolutely entitled to a cozy sleeping spot on the lap of your favourite person.  Do not be fooled by these snide comments people make when they see large dogs trying to get onto small laps.  Ignore the looks, laughs and sarcasm and just do it!  Climb up and make yourself comfortable. If your companion is sitting in a regular chair you will have to turn in circles a number of times to find the right position.  If he cannot see the T.V. don't worry as long as you can.

Your people will probably complain and whine a lot trying to get you to solve their problem by going and lying on the floor somewhere.  Do not give in!  I assure you that once they are convinced that you are not going to change,  they will.  They will move to a suitable seat or perhaps decide to move the T.V. into the bedroom.  I can assure you there is nothing cozier on a stormy winter night  than lying on the bed with your family watching a good video.  You will want to be in the middle of course so that you can comfortably drape yourself over both of them.

Good luck and happy snoozing,

Kiwi

Bella??? writes:

Dear Kiwi, My grandparents keep giving my mommy a bad time because she doesn't walk me through a neighbourhood of unchained large dogs. I feel that they do not treat me like an adult doggie. I am capable, at my tender age of three, of exercising myself regularly. I wish they would not make my mommy feel guilty. If they continue, and my mommy gives in I may be torn apart by several of the uncouth doggies in the area. How do I stop them? Bella

Dear Readers:

A professional advice columnist quickly learns to discriminate between sincere pleas for help and phony put ons. Have you noticed that Ann Landers always knows when a letter has come from Yale University? Well I could tell the minute I read this letter that it came from Merville, and that it was written not by Bella, but by her neglectful mother. There were a few obvious give aways. First of all, Bella is my own puppy and I am more than aware of the disputes my sister and my mother have about Bella's need for more walks. Secondly, Bella LOVES making her mommy feel guilty. How many pups do you know that cry piteously all through an otherwise perfectly executed "down-stay"? For that reason I shall be addressing my answer here to Susan who I know was the real author of this letter.

Kiwi.

Dear Susan,

Bella can exercise herself while sitting on the couch helping a person watch T.V. or read a book. (see photos near bottom of my puppies page). What Bella is lacking is a stimulating social life. She needs a chance to sniff and be sniffed, a chance to make her mark in the world. You should drive her to some of the nice walking trails and beaches which are almost on your doorstep. You do as much for any friends who come to visit!

You SHOULD feel guilty! The last time you took her home after a visit and she passed my mum and I on our way out for a walk, she cried and cried because she wanted to come too. It broke my heart. If this does not improve after you see that doctor about your ankle, my mum and I are definitely reporting you for neglect.

From your annoyed sister,

Kiwi

Skye Writes:

Dear Kiwi, My mom decided, without even asking me, to sign me up for obedience class.  She takes me there and we do dumb things like sit and stay.  The part I really hate is when we do these quick turns for no reason.   There is plenty of room to continue in the direction we are going, but we turn and turn and turn.  I get confused and have to whine.  Sometimes I just give up and refuse to move.  How can I get out of this class? From, Skye

What a clever pup you are!  You see you are on the right track already.
The teachers at obedience classes are really there to train your mom. If you whine and sleep on the job, everyone will think it is her fault and she will be embarrassed and decide not to go to these silly classes anymore.

There is one more thing you need to do though.  She expects you to practice this stuff at home too, doesn't she?  Well when you are alone with her in the back yard do your very best.  Show you can do it perfectly!  She will be dying to go to class and show off.  Then you should whine and lie down in the middle of the pack and refuse to move.  She will tell everyone how well you do it all at home.  No one will believe her.

After this happens a couple of times she will conclude that you do not really need the classes because you can do all these things anyway.  She will also be even more anxious than you to stay away from those classes where she looks like such a fool.  Once you are an official drop out she will get tired of doing the exercises at home too so you will be able to go back to sniffing and going instead of sitting and staying.  Much more fun, don't you agree?

Love,

Kiwi

Marlowe Writes:

Dear Kiwi, My mommy and daddy won't let me upstairs!  What can I do? Love from Marlowe

Dear Marlowe,

They probably think you will be bad if they let you go upstairs. People are always so suspicious of their puppy's intentions! I bet your mommy and daddy sleep upstairs, right? I know all the people in my family do. When I first came to stay with them they had the silly idea that I should stay downstairs. Well I really get anxious when I am left alone. What do you do when you get anxious and worried? Well what I did was chew things....all the base boards, and the bottoms of all the cupboard doors in the utility room where they had left me. They tried another room, and I chewed up one of my mum's good boots. I also managed to find my dad's wallet in a coat pocket and I got that out and chewed up all the paper and stuff in it. This was what I did the first two nights I lived with my parents.

Then my mum who is a very sensible woman, came up with a great idea. If I slept upstairs in her room she would hear me if I started chewing things. So that is how I got to sleep upstairs. I should say that once I had managed to make my way into the bedroom and then onto the bed, I no longer felt anxious so I did not even try to chew things anymore.

That is my advice to you then Marlowe. Be bad at night downstairs and they will have to keep you with them. Once you get to sleep upstairs, if you are good, they will see that it would be silly to make you stay downstairs all the rest of the time.

I hope this solves your problem for you.

Love,

Kiwi

Dear Kiwi,  I am too fat and my human is trying to feed me a reduced calorie diet and even if I sit there and stare at it, she doesn't give in. She used to be so easily manipulated by my big brown eyes and my sad face....but now, she just stares back at me and we have this face off thing....she keeps saying some big word like "hip dysplasia"...my mom has it and she is worried about me because the vet sais I am 20% overweight. I don't see why she has to reduce my calories and food. She is no thin thing herself! I don't see her laying off the chips. Well, I am not sure what you can do to help me.... its just hopeless.... Patiently waiting for your answer, Bubbles

Dear Bubbles,

People can be so dense! When will they ever learn? DIETS DON'T WORK! First of all your weight problem probably has more to do with your genes than your diet...(a problem you have inherited from your human no doubt.) Low cal kibble may give some short term weight loss but the sense of deprivation you experience will just set you up for failure in the future. Revolting as it may sound, I know of some dogs who have been driven to the point of scavenging in compost heeps after a month or two on one of these fad diets!

What you need to do Bubbles in increase your activity level. Think of things you might like to do that would burn off a few calories. I like walks myself. You might start with short walks...pick some route where lots of other dogs get walked, and you will find it quite a social event. It gets your human out of her chair too. Some dogs like games. If you happen to have any rabbits in your area, bunny hunting is wonderful exercise...very exciting and you will really work up a sweat!

By increasing your activity you will be less inclined to eat out of boredom. How often have we headed for the kibble dish after a nap just because it was there? Anytime you find yourself tempted to snack when you are not truly hungry, demand attention from your human instead. Finally a low cal diet does not have to be a dull diet. See my recipe page for some wonderful menu ideas...your human may want to trim your lamb chops more closely, but these recipes are low in fat and very healthy. You may find your human reluctant to provide meals like this initially. This is an area where reverse psychology works well. If you are looking sad and mooching food she will harden her heart as the vet told her she should. If you play hard to get and picky and do not eat or eat only very reluctantly she will be more inclined to cater to your tastes. After all, she doesn't want you looking like a whippet!

I do hope these tips will help you trim a few pounds off and satisfy your human and your vet. Drop me a line and tell me how you get on with it.

Love,

Kiwi

Tuck Writes:

Dear Kiwi, I need help.  My mommy and daddy are getting quite angry at me because of my love of trash.  They won't let me in it when they are home, so when they leave, I sneak into the kitchen and help myself.  Sometimes they "Tuck-proof" it and put something on top of the lid so that I can't get in it, but not always....What can I  do so I'm not yelled at everytime they come home? Your friend, Tuck

Dear Tuck,

It is always easier to find a solution for a problem when you know a little about the pack dynamics. That's why I snuck a look at your home page before I sat down to answer your letter.  Sure enough, I found an all important clue!  Go ahead and enjoy your exploration of the trash can each time they leave you home alone!  Bet you hear them when they drive up though don't you?  Well then what you have to do is go jump into the bathtub and look scared just like you do when there is a big storm and you are afraid of the thunder.
 

Your dad and mum may yell when they see the trash but then they will come looking for you.  What does your mum say when she finds you in the bathtub looking sad and scared?  I saw the picture!  She wrote under it,  "Poor Baby".  And that is what you are!   Why should you feel guilty about indulging in a harmless bit of exploration when you are lonely and bored?  You see it is really all their fault for leaving you alone in the first place. Act scared and miserable when they return and they will feel too guilty to scold you.

Wishing you all the luck in the world training your pack,

 Love

Kiwi

 P.S. You should see what I have got away with by playing on this abandonment guilt! Check this page.

Hi Kiwi,
I'm Daisy.  I'm a 2 year old rottie/lab cross (my mom thinks i have beagle and shepherd in me too).  I am deaf.  This is not a problem though because my people make all sorts of signs with their paws and usually i know what they mean!  The problem is, i like to bark.  As soon as i see somebody walk, ride, or drive past my house i bark at them ( i have very keen eyesight!)  Even though mom and dad always show me "no" and "quiet" i still bark next time.  They have even squirted me with water!!  They know, and i know, that it is my job to bark.  But they think once or twice is enough.  I just keep going till they make me lie down every time!  Mom thinks i bark so much because i can't hear.  What should we do?

Thank you.
Love Daisy.

Dear Daisy,

Of course you keep barking!  Any dog would.  The problem is that your people think you are protecting the house for THEM when really you are just letting the passers by know that this is YOUR territory.  So what are you supposed to do?  Give one or two yips so they think that you are only the boss of the 10 feet in front of the driveway?  Of course not. You bark as long as they are anywhere in sight so they know that you are the number one dog on your lot and possibly on the whole street.  That is perfectly normal and has nothing to do with being deaf.  Psychologists call this having healthy boundaries.

People like to mark their territory too but they do not do it by barking or yelling.  They build fences and put up hedges.  That would save you a lot of barking because then you would only have to worry about the people who actually came into the yard.  You would not even see those who were passing by because the fence or hedge would tell them that this is your yard and they should not come in unless they are invited.

Fences can cost quite a lot of money so another thing you might suggest is that you become an indoor dog.  Indoor dogs generally bark less and if they do bark at least the neigbours do not call the dog catcher.  Tell your people that you will not bark at their visitors if the visitors show proper respect for your authority.  This is done by bringing you gifts.  I was impressed by one of my readers who had her mother make a very decorative wreath of dog cookies for their front door.   That way anyone who came to the house picked a cookie from the wreath and was then properly prepared to greet the resident dog.  The dog quit barking and learned to greet visitors by running promptly to the door and sitting nicely.  (This would not be a good idea if you live in an area where there are a lot of break ins.)

Hope one of these ideas works for you.

Love Kiwi.

Dear Kiwi, What kind of a dog am I?    I have to be more than a mutt but that is all my owners call me.  It sure would be nice to have an identity. Can you help? Jesse James

Dear Jesse,

It is unfortunate that the picture you provided was small.  You should ask your mother to take more and bigger pictures!!  Full body shots  and a flattering background that showed off your attributes better would be nice.

On the basis of you picture and what I have read on your home page, however, I   can solve your identity problem.  You are definitely an exotic mixed breed.  Exotic mixed breeds are free to express their unique lineage.  None of this dull bit about meeting breed standards!  YOU set the standards!

I hope you will show this letter to your people.  They obviously need educating!
 

Fondest regards,
Kiwi.