Marriage and Step Parenting

EDITORS NOTE: First of all, I should be honest in telling you that I am not a step parent - I am a single parent. I wrote this page because I hope and dream that one day I will find the partner that was meant for me. This part of my site contains information formulated from visiting other sites and from the many electrifying e-mails I recieve. I am not a doctor or a lawyer, nor do I endorse any that are mentioned or linked to in my site. I am an individual pooling information together for both my personal knowledge and the hope that somehow it might help our society in some small way.

~Next2u~

So, you thing you found the dream of a lifetime replacement partner for you and your children? Great! We could'nt be more happier for you. However, just as there are Single Parent Issues, there are Step Parent Issues, as well. This portion of my web site will be dedicated to Step Parent Issues.

As you take this liberated step to freedom and moving on with your life, you must keep in the back of your mind that (my opinion) your child comes first. Your children know mom and dad as their parents. This new friend of yours may get along with your child just fine, but they are just a step parent to your children. I emphasize this because your children (depending on the circumstances) will still be bouncing back and forth from mom to dad.

GENETICS: We are family. Assuming that you or your partner did'nt adopt your/their children, among a list of many other traits, height, size, weight, physical, and even emotional characteristics of you can be found in your children (likewise for your partner). No matter how well everybody is getting along, a situation where your partner harmlessly jokes, "You did another 'dumb blonde' thing," may be funny to you, but may be percieved differently by your children. Be attentitive where there are obvious differences in the families new makeup. Everyone should be comfortable with themselves. Be open and agressively communicate, especially with your children, on these topics. The Brady Bunch had problems in every episode. However, it is shown how a good team effort by both partners can overcome these differences.

DIRT UNDER THE RUG: Although one or both parents may be on the rebound from previous love relationships, there is probably a little or no unfinished business involving prior relationships. Especially in situations where you or your partner are sharing a visitation schedule with an ex spouse. While the best situation is one where all adults involved get along, varying situations that result in divorce may disallow this advantage.

Just as you may have occasional arguements with your ex spouse over items involving you childrens care, so will your partner with theirs. This is normal, as we all have different opinions. We all have our pride, but be careful on how you handle these ongoing battles. It is best (my opinion) to keep the childrens best interests at hand. If you and your ex spouse are going to walk away from a disagreement with one of you hinting in any way that "the children will suffer from this...," maybe you should swallow your pride and give in a little. Try to find a method to delay this indifference until both of you can find an agreeable solution. In worst case scenarios, look to the courts - they provide lists of people who will offer mediation for nominal fees.

Though we all have different situations, the majority of single parents are products of divorce. In a first marriage you have an idealized expectation of how things should go. Most often in a second marriage you have a more realistic expectation of how things should be and probably a greater willingnes and desire to maintain the relationship. I won't quote numbers, but from what I've researched here on the net, a larger percentage of second marriages end in divorce than first marriages. Go figure!

CHANGE OF LOCATION: Either before or after your remarriage, you or your partner will eventually join into one household. This means one or both of you will have another adjustment to make in addition to the new family. Change of location means new neighbors, new routes to work, new baby sitters to be comfortable with, banking, grocery isles, etc.. including the children possibly changing schools, leaving old friends for new ones, etc.. As trivial as some of these items may sound, they will prove to be added stress to one or both of your lifestyles. Most often, we downplay these small problems by saying this relationship is worth it. An easy way to help the other overcome some of this stress would be, for example, to go shopping together a few times. If one can show the other a better way to go about the route, parking, fastest cashier, whatever, it will serve both of you well.

ESTABLISH ROLES: Who is expected to take the trash out, wash the dishes, cook, clean, etc..? Working together on these topics (ie. "I'll cook, you do the dishes; I'll clean while you shop; I'll take the trash out if you don't overfill the basket, etc.,") makes life easier for all.

KNOW THE RULES: No matter who has the kids and who is the step parent, or it might even be a brady bunch affair; Somebody in this process is walking into a families unwritten set of rules. Rules are rules. Whether its "no shoes on the couch, no balls inside the house", etc.. the rules you encounter have generally been in place since the family began. The only way to learn them is to be around them. So, be involved with the family. Don't attempt to bend the rules without permission. Without this permission you may find yourself in the dog house.

DISCIPLINE: How do you handle discipline of the step children? Don't leave your partner in the dark. Your partner should be able to handle your children while you're away. It is very important that your partner knows how you want your children to be disciplined. Likewise, your children must know to respect your partners commands. These two items go hand in hand. If you don't strive to get this understanding in place, then you put your partner in a "substitute teacher" role where the children may misbehave and try to get away with things until you're back.

These are just a few topics to consider. By establishing these roles, things will go a lot smoother and cause less stress on the relationship. Communication is a key element in a relationship. Life will always have it's ups and downs. Everybody working together certainly makes it easier and is a welcome door to a brighter future.

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