You
and Your Ex
DIVORCE MEANS FREEDOM!
Not really. Just because you're separated or divorced doesn't mean the relationship with your ex-spouse is over. Assuming your ex-spouse has visitation rights it can become more of a challenge than the original relationship. After all, to raise the children you still have to have a parenting plan in place. Which, yes, this means there still must be communication with your ex-spouse. This communication is not solely for your benefit, but to help ensure that your child can continue to know the love and care of both parents.
This doesn't mean that you must provide the details of your life. The relationship with your ex-spouse should be based more on basic business principles. Act courteously and civil, set explicit rules for relating (as they come up) establishing clear boundaries.
This is important. Especially during the times when you run into your ex at a school, religious, or social function. If you can find ways to be civil, the level of discomfort will be minimal.
Get down to business
Six keys to successful co-parenting
- 1. How you feel about your ex is less important than how you act toward him/her. Putting aside your negative feelings is definitely in the best interest of your child.
2. Respect your need for privacy and the other parent's too. The only pertinent information that needs to be shared between co-parents is that pertaining to their children.
3. Each parents' time with the child is sacred. Don't make or change plans for the time your child is scheduled to spend with your ex. Honor the pre-arranged schedule.
4. Each parent has the right to develop his/her own parenting styles. As long as no harm is being done, let your ex-spouse relate to your child as he/she sees fit.
5. Acknowledge what your ex-spouse has to offer your child. Remember the qualities that first attracted you. Those qualities still exist and are available to your child.
6. Expect to feel awkward and uncomfortable about this new way of relating. But keep affirming your commitment to the new relationship and eventually your ex will begin to play by the same rules.
What to say, what not to say
Be clear about what you want. Don't say: "You're always late. Can't you pick up your son on time?" Try: "It seems to be difficult for you to get here at 3 on Sunday. I'd like you to be able to get here on time. Should we try a later pick-up time, like 5?"
Use "I" instead of "you" statements. Don't say "You never give the kids a bath when they are at your house." Try: "I often don't have time to bathe the kids of Sunday evening. It would help me if they got a bath before they came home."
Stay in the present. Don't bring up past failures when addressing an issue. Say: "do you plan to attend the children's parent-teacher conferences next week?" Leave off: "I know you've never managed to make it in the past."
Two homes are better than one
If you are the non-custodial parent, take steps to make your children feel at home when they visit you.
Make a place for your children in your new home.
Spend time alone with each child.
Encourage your children to have friends over.
Make your time together as normal and natural as possible.
Establish rules, routines and responsibilities for your children in your home.
Make a commitment to be actively involved in your child's life far beyond the time spent at your home, such as school activities and sports.
Spread the word
Don't put your child in the uncomfortable position of having to tell people about your divorce and parenting arrangements. Contact every person and institution who has anything to do with your child and explain your circumstances.
Make sure all pertinent records and directories contain up-to-date information about both parents.
Ask that all correspondence, reports, forms and calendars be sent to both parents.
Make sure the necessary people know that both parents are to be contacted in the event of an emergency.
Your Ex's New "Friend" or Spouse
The rules above all apply. Just remember that you cannot control what goes on when your children are away on their visits. That is their "second life." However, don't lose site of the possibility that your children may have problems adjusting to either of the parents new settings. It's perfectly understandable that you will want to know what's going on "over there," but you must be tactful. Don't ask questions or pry for information through your children. If you have a concern about your ex-spouse and how the children are getting along it is in everyone's best interest to contact your ex-spouse directly or possibly your child's school teacher.
There is no law that I am aware of that says you must have a relationship with your ex-spouses "friend" or new spouse. Certainly, your children will be affected should you chose to battle with them. Whether you're willing to be friendly or not is your call. Just remember, though your ex-spouse is responsible, their spouses are with your children when they are away from you. It plainly makes more sense to be allies with them. This doesn't mean you have to be close friends. Keep your focus on issues concerning your children. AND BE CIVIL!
For more information on Step Parenting Issues, please go to http://www.oocities.org/i1abnext2u/marriage1.html
Click here to view our Message Board.
Any info on links to visit or topics to add to this page are welcome. I look forward to hearing from you.