ID - Part 1
Date: 19th September 1997
Time: Late arvo
The Structure Of The Personality - Part 1 of 3
If the 'I' stands for Identity or Identification, take away the 'I' from the 'D' and you have 'D' for Death, for without an identity a person cannot sustain life as we know it. (A bastardization of Freud's theory). In truth, the 'ID' (Freud 1873 - 1923) are basic biological urges that motivate a person. Then comes the ego and then superego . All will be explained in time :-)
Today shall come a change, as sweet refreshment to parched lips (me hopes) ! This journal is based on I, me, myself etc..but now it begins to have more reason...that which I know transforms to that which I seek. So I continue to jump hurdles and delve through deluge until I find those answers I seek. The answers are within me, as with all of us.
As I ponder over my thoughts, I realise how much I've hungered for knowledge over the years. As a child I had everything a child could want. Everything, but not my childhood. So what went wrong? The best parents, the best house, the best schools, the best of the best. Financially speaking my parents have no nouse (I feel so guilty by saying this and ungrateful - I just want to kick myself) having small pockets, huge hearts and an infinite capacity for giving. They gave me (and siblings) everything because they had nothing when they were growing up. Dad worked damn hard for the money, but he always gave and would often suprise me with money gifts, saying I had done something to make him proud (I couldn't for the life of me work out what I had done to make him proud). We didn't get pocket money (it's good for kids to learn how to budget), as he couldn't afford to give all 4 of us kids pocket money on a regular weekly basis.
I didn't buy clothes (hated shopping), I lived near a library (I used to eat through 6 novels a week - maximum borrowing capacity) so I never bought books. I didn't start going out with friends until I was 15 (parents were overprotective) and I never wore makeup (okay I used my sisters mascara - but thats it). So I put my money into the bank, with a fixed rate of 17%p.a (those were the days!). Grandmother would give me money gifts on occasion, telling me to buy myself something nice. Music was free on the radio, so why should I buy music (times change - now I have over 200 cd's of varying music types)? I know I sound stingy, but I gave money donations to Greenpeace, Guide Dogs and other foundations that meant something to me. If anyone could understand why I gave money to these funds, my dad could. He regularily donated money to various charities (none as colourful as mine, but charities nonetheless). I know I don't need to justify my money habits, but I think its time to open up about things...My new resolution to you all...Not just idle chatter!
Sometimes it's hard to gather my thoughts and collate them. One thought sparks a multitude of others and so on, until the first thought seems insignificant. It's one of the reasons I was never a good sleeper. Not only did my thoughts and imagination run wild before bed, but once asleep, R.E.M was all consuming. Just yesterday (Thursday 18th September) I had a dream someone had died. I rang my work and found out that my client had passed away during the night. No, I am not psychic, but sometimes I have overwhelming feelings and thoughts. *Sigh* I do believe my dreams tell me something, so I strive to listen to my inner voice, but sometimes I wish it could be ignored. Now my dreams continue to pester me, until I have worked out at least one reason for their interruption on my blessed sleep. My mind drifts back to Macbeth, but I won't quote, I'm sure you all know the scene.
So why did I take the above detour from my original path? Well you see, I was saying how my childhood was surrounded in security and love, affection and material posessions. Yet I also said how despite all, I never really had a childhood. My mum said I was born with knowing. She told me this when I was three. Most of my friends would laugh at this. I did too. I like to think of myself as being simple. As simple is usually the best and most direct path to true insight. I am often bewildered by the lengths people go to, in order to solve a problem or find answers to situations they find themselves in . True, being impartial to a situation, standing back and watching without the emotional baggage, does make for clearer decisions (like me and this journal I have began!).
I was taught, that the best way to learn was to ask questions (my poor teachers!). Despite this (you know my thoughts on this already) I believe we don't ask questions, unless we already know the answer (excluding trivia). I was Queen of asking questions. From the time I started to talk, until this day...Why, Who, What, Where and When, usually preceed my sentences. I never had the patience with spelling and grammar, despite being quiet apt (who am I kidding?) at it. My dad was meticulous when it came to grammar and spelling. He taught us all to write before we should have known (our teachers were furious) and mum taught us to read. My brothers and sister were originally left handed, now they are ambidextrous, like my father, who was taught that to be left handed was a flaw. So he taught them to write right handed. Now they have the messiest writing, almost to the point of being illegible. I was the lucky one. Born right handed, I was fortunate not to have to go through the pain of having to contorte my fingers into unnatural positions...I did however teach myself (for fun of course) to write with my right foot.
I have to leave it here, as I have been interupted too many times and my train of thought is severed. By the way 'Amy' (Nocturne Blue Amythest) had 4 kittens(2 females and 2 males) today (10:32pm was the first). Hubby reminded me that it was 'Amy's' 1st birthday today...So she had 4 kittens on her birthday. What a present! Squirrel, although having had c- section (Warning - not for the faint hearted) has began to lactate again. Wonders of Wonders, miracles of miracles.
Until next time, when I have a moments peace and quiet :-)
I shall continue my diatribe on my childhood
Soosh
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