Through the eyes of a child, I found my clouds looming around with shallow images of what an adults life should be. How can one be an adult with so many childhood issues never being resolved? In this very important part of the storm, the realization of reality, coupled with fear become the focus. The inner child wants so much, and revels in so little, while the adult seems to fumble through the day not knowing where to turn or what part of her trouble life to appeal to first. I found myself in counciling, which while therapetutic, did nothing except help me to talk about my own lifes failures. The "well of depression" that I fell into, was a well of disolussionment. It was easy to believe that I was an adult, therefore I acted like one. In truth, because of the inner child fears, I had never accepted becoming the adult I wanted to be. That impart was because there was no resolution to the childhood trauma I was subjected to, and partly because I grew up in a world where most adults were either untrustworthy, or didn't trust at all.
I had to come to terms with my inner being...with the child who had been so wronged all those years ago, and the thought of that troubled the adult. How could I go back, relive, and survive a place I had closed off from myself. The fear I felt took me down lower to a point of almost vegetation. I just would sit and think, or sleep away the day. For even the most organized person, doing practically next to nothing, with five children and a husband can be very disabling to the rest of the family. If I was in a state of non existance, then so should they must be. Oh, I did the absolute bare minimum, and most times, I left things up to my husband to handle. After all, we were in this together, and I was going to open up my own personal little "Hell on Earth". Obviously I was not going to be in any shape to be a mommy, let alone a wife. This was the only way to see a clear light. It was the only way to come to terms with all that had gone on before, things that should have been put in its place long ago.
The next step was to go there...back to my stormy past, back where the rain fell, the lightening struck, and the dark clouds loomed about methodically. My storm became not only mine, but my families storm as well. I not only brought the inner child back to hell, but my husband and children too. I wondered alot about how to escape the inevitable pain again, should I close it off forever, and just go one with my failing life, without trust, without hope? My answer was clear in my mind, I needed to do this for me, for my family, for my inner self. I couldn't possibly be a Good parent without self-examiniation, without controling the monster once and for all. I couldn't come through any of the storm without a belief that the monster which would always be here in my own little hell, would not be the authority figure in control anymore. He had to be stopped as far as invading my life when ever the mood struck him. I had to be certain that this time, I would be safe, he could not take from me anything I would not give. The first time, when I was a child, I trusted and believed, therefore, giving was expected. But this time, I could say no, I could be in control, I could trust or not trust. There was a choice. In believing that, I became a small bit stronger, but still in the storm, with my family watching.
For their sake, I just couldn't fail this time. I loved my husband so very much for all he had witnessed in the past, and along the way, for supporting my efforts in my termoil. But even The strongest of relationships suffer from the rath the storm unleashed. My husband and I are no exception to this unleashed power. In giving in to the helplessness I felt, and leaning on him like a dead weight, he had become tired. Tired of all the pain, and scared. His fear turned to depression, because there was no way to help me, as I had to do this alone, by myself. I believe in my heart, my husband did all he could to stay back from the storm, but with the wind gusts whirling around me, He really never had a chance to run away. The storm engulfed him in a world of fear, and worry, and helplessness, just as it had me.
I could see that time was not on my side, that the storm that I was trying so hard to control, had spun my family out of control. I was losing fast, and I couldn't allow anymore mistakes or failures at this point. I had to be strong, for myself and my family. I had always treasured my relationship with my husband because we were the best of friends as well as husband and wife. We had a relationship built on mutual respect and admiration, as well as love, and communication. Slowly, I saw that relationship deteriorating, and I didn't know what to do to avoid any more pain and turmoil in our lives. My husband was at a loss, and didn't know where to turn either. He was confused which I knew was the storms way of taking control. The only way to stop the storm fully, was to become determined to take control again. This would take every ounce of strength that I had, but I would not let the storm ruin another part of my life, not ever again.
I vowed myself not to lose the one person in my life that I had left, the only one who understood ever aspect of me, and still never judged me. My husband was that person. I was not about to lose him because of the rath of the monster. I needed to stop the storm from destroying my life. I had to do this by examining all that went before. For weeks, while I did the work and took care of things that I had been neglecting, I did nothing but think, and work on my own storm, knowing in my heart that the storm that touched my husband could only be eased by my resolution to dissolve the storm, and with it, the monster's rath.
I found myself, somewhere deep within that storm, fighting the battles I thought I would never have to see again. The pain was there, but my focus was more set on my love of my husband and my family. In all my relationships, from the beginning to present, it really never mattered much to me how I was treated by others. What always did matter to me was how those "others" treated my family and friends. To me, my lifes problems were inconsequensial, and meaningless. However, when those problems began to threaten the very essence of my love for others, I knew I had no choice but to change that senario. I had been beaten, verbally abused, fondled, taunted, and degraded. All of this somehow I had felt I deserved...I guess somewhere my mind confused itself into believing that this was my "cross to bear". How untrue that belief was! How terribly cruel I was to my own self. My inner child never had a chance with that thought running through out my mind. I thought I was never really good enough to love. "I was an accident from birth","born to do housework and chores". These thoughts, though ridiculous were always things that had been said to me while I grew up. Now as an adult, trying to make up for the pain I lived through, I doted my every attention on my children, husband and friends, without thinking twice about my inner self. Love and trust come from within. I needed to relearn those inner phrases taught at a young age.."You must give to recieve." "Do unto others." My favorite is the thought I try my best to live today, "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the strength to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." I needed to tell myself that I was indeed lovable as well as likeable. Although all of these things to a normal lived person may seem obvious, to people like me who have lived their lives in turmoil, and pain, these simple phrases are hard to learn, and even harder to put into practical everyday use. Once learned though, those same phrases can empower even the weakest of heart to struggle with our own demons, thus making us stronger of will.
I found my will to survive the storm in all the rage and love I had deep within my soul. I reveled in the love I found for myself, as well as the love I have always had for my family and friends. Like the catepillar, who emerges one day as a beautiful butterfly, I found myself emerging, wearly, but reborn, with a strength to fully combat the authority the monster had held over my inner being all these years. I emerged putting the monster back in his place, in the past. I have strengthened my esteem to close the doors on the hell I once lived, to open a new door, complete with love, devotion, and dedication. My faith in myself was what I truely needed to find, something the monster had stolen from me. Once found, it was easy to see through all the dark clouds and roaring thunder to the light at the very edge of the storm. I was finally here. The road I travelled through to get here loomed far behind me in the distance. I had taken back my own inner being from the monster rendering him powerless. He was no longer in control of my life. My fate was now my own. My storm had finally come to an end.
I had come to an understanding within my own self being. I would never be able to forgive, and knowing that isn't the way of my own religion bothers me, but I can't seem to understand the ways of the monster, therefore, I can not see a way clear to forgive him. I have come to terms with the issue that he was in the wrong, and would never be able to admit what he had done, so the truth must lie within my own world. I hate the actions of the monster. This is the one trueism I can honestly say bothers me, because hate is never a good feeling to have. I believe that maybe someday I will get past that stage, but for now, I need to feel that in order to survive. My relationship with my eldest daughter has come to a place where we can talk, and it is ok to love each other. My destress over my grandmothers death, still haunts me, but only in the aspect of how much I honestly miss her. I can now place all of these relationship issues on a shelf. They have been dealt with, as far as I can be expected to take them. My main focus now, has to be with my family. I have missed them during the storm. What has happened in the past is just that, the past, and should stay there. I have so much time I wish to make up for with my family. Each day I wake, I thank God for the wonderful family I do have, and I thank God for giving me the opportunity to be there fully, as an adult, as a person, for the first time in my life.
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