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bewilderment. stimulatiing. image-Mandel Triforce.

18 april 2001
haven't ... a long time.

haven't been confused for a while.

haven't wrote a journal.

haven't "thought"

status quo. in a weird way, i feel trapped. stressful. a container filled with all these different vibrant energies colliding ever more rapidly against me. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. mental scream. that felt a little better. ask me what's wrong. "nothing" i would say. it is exactly this "nothing" that is tearing my mind apart.

i'm scared. frightened by small hints of my transformation. a change in my thought process. an evolution in my heart. where is this leading to? good? bad? i'm not quite sure. the uncertainity haunts me. it keeps me up at night till 5:30am. it turns me into a thinking, frustrated zombie. maybe i'm being a little dramatic here. but seriously, i find myself gasping for air, a breath of invigorating energy. enough to push me over the edge. instead, i'm glued down on top of the fence. none of muscles listens to me and they refuse to budge.

consequently, i'm absent-minded. nothing. i do absolutely nothing each day, counting down till school is over. when have my life become so pointless. not that i do the same exact thing everyday, cuz I don't. in fact, i'm reading this really interesting book about the stockmarket. but despite this, i feel pinned down by samness.

something that i thought has been dead for a year and a half is now showing signs of life. the prospect of it coming alive in full force instills great fear. a complete obliteration of my lifestyle. i feel utter disbelief at what i listen to these days. emotional music and lyrics as if they will ease my mind, but they don't. they become weights placed on top of my bending mental bridge. ebough of this. rest. back to reality.

25 february 2001
sorry for the lack of update. the week was very busy, started my internship at lehman brothers. i'll reflect on everything chronologically since that's the easy. after nights and nights of nervousness- what if i dress funny, what if i don't meet expectation, what if this, what if that. i never quite understand the irony that we create our own problems. think about it, paranoia is self-created. we always pride ourselves for being logical creatures, but we are helpless to paranoia. sigh. an indication that uncertainity is more powerful than rationale. is that true?

well, my worries totally disappeared. work was awesome. i am totally learning so much stuff. making financial reports. working with financial information first hand. full-time work is just like school. my boss (nima kudalkar) graduated from Northwestern and got hired in June. She takes financial classes at Lehman. every three month goes to a different department. Always learning. The financial center has gym and cafeteria in the same building. it's scary how much of your life the job consumes. it makes me hesistant.

do i really want to sacrifice so much for money? i always wanted to join the peace corps for a year or two after graduation (mr. priest influence) but i wonder if i will have enough individuality to go against the expectation of society- to be successful. in essence, while i am volunteering, my peers will be excelling in the business world. i'm still thinking about it. i hope that i will be strong enough to do whatever I WANT TO not just because i am meeting expectations.

intimidation. power scares those who don't have any. but what exactly is power? why am i so scared of the senior executives when i dropped off the financial reports to them? sigh. a couple of them are actually super nice though. they give me hope. inspiration and model for me when i enter the business world. retaining human charateristics in a robotic, cutthorat society. trader's floor- eye opening. every single trader have a gizaillion gadgets on their desks. the instanteous of the stock market. the possiblity? think and be overwhelmed. end. next thought.

again, i saw my life flash before my eyes. thursday night after work i was planning to go to NYU Dental to get my sutures (stitches taken out). nature fucks me over. the omnipotent nature that every once and a while shows man who's boss. so it was snowing like a bitch and i waited out for nyu trolley to take nyu dental school. waited for 40 minutes. nothing. i was like fuck this. went back to my room, took off my clothes and went downstairs to the cafeteria. before i enter the cafeteria, i saw from the door- the trolley. without really thinking much, i run outside into the snowstorm. with what you ask? undershirt, sweatshirt, jeans, socks, SANDALS!

once i get in the trolley, i'm thinking, it won't be that bad. i will only be outisde for brief moments. so i fall asleep on the trolley. when i wake up, it was 40 minutes later, 7:40pm (dental schools closes at 8:00), and we still have not arrived at the destination. damn traffic. panicing, i leave the trolley at the next possible stop. forgetting there's a closer stop. withing seconds, literally seconds, my socks were socked. in the next minute, my socks became iced. several minutes after, my feet throbbed from ice burns. extreme pain. the rest of my body was attacked by penetrating ice breezes. so i decide to start running, to get to the building faster and keep myself warm. i'm lost. i been there before but not in a snowstorm. and i look at my watch, 8:00pm. fuck, it's close. so i decide to take a cab home. pay some money and be warm. wait on the street for ten minutes. freezing like an icicle. nothing. finally this nice cab driver tells me that cabs are not taking anybody- the city is gridlocked in traffic. i'm really going to die. i say. finally ran into a nearby nyu resident building. thawing myself.

in the process of numbing, bloody red feet, i truly sympathize with the homeless people in the streets. yes, they might have a shelter on such a snowstorm. but how about those other nights? when it is not blizzardish snow, just normal snow. it's still cold. i mean real cold. for the longest time, i never sympathize with them. in fact, i looked down on them. thinking to myself, if i, a high school student can get a job, so can they. why don't they? yes, it would be hard for them, but go get a job and stand back up on your feets. it's really not that easy. i'm the spoiled kid with a house, family, and high school education. of course it is easier for me to get a job. selfish. or i can just blame my ignorance on society's brainwash. the injection of darwinian thoughts. pure capitalism. i shouldn't though. we are responsilble for who we are. no one else!

there's a positive ending to my night though. i met this really nice guy, marcus, a dental student (such irony cuz i was bitching about the dental school so much) who was also in that resident hall waiting for a trolley. he looked at me and was like "what the fuck, aren't you cold." basically we waited forever for the trolley but it never came. so he went outside got a cab and told me to come along for the ride. during the ride, he basically told me stuff about my wisdom tooths, the same info if i had gone to the dental school. when the cab got to my dorm, i took out half of the cab fare, and he was like, "go buy some socks, i got the fare." it's hard for me to allow others to do favors for me. so i literally shoved the money at him and got out. the existence of people like him and the cab driver (earlier) gave hope to society. when you are doubting the world, just remember, the individuals out there.

on friday night, i finally saw the famous RENT. roy said, "i can relate it more than other musicials." that's not necessarily true. but i do like it a whole lot. in fact, i love it. the actual plot is about teenagers like us, but it doesn't necessarily relate to us more. i mean the struggle of the head police guy in les mis totally relate to my self-struggle of society and individuality.

the talents on the stage were amazing. the social issue it brought up such as AIDS. but what caught my attention was the pianist. this guy is probably 40ish wearing shitty clothes compared to the cast. however, he had the most fun during the performance. he was seriously passionate about music. you can visually feel his energy. reminder (talked about this before)- passion! the importance of it.

sleep. saturday morning- volunteer at Brooklyn middle school. painting the walls of the buliding (inside). in new york city, most of the schools are located in a building. no campus. so weird compare to my personal experience in california. again, peace corp flashes in my mind. these college graduates (from good colleges too) are working for a non-profit organization painting schools (for probably less than 30,000 a year. why? wasting your college education on that? they certainly don't think it is a waste. something i need to come in term with. inputs and suggestions? leave it here.

another shocking thing was the quality of education. another ignorance of mine burst. education the ultimate weapon in life. no matter what family background you came from, you can become successful if you put in the right amount of work and have dedication. through education, you can outedge even the wealthiest aristocrat. my theory is based on myself and others i have encountered. ironically though, we do not come from a horrible situaiton. our education is wonderful compared to the one i saw today. they have "discipline" counselors that yell at 7th graders and force them to form lines. it was so disturbing. equal opportunity, we use it too losely these days. we are certainly far from it. withouth a proper education, how can these kids ever have the chance to be successful, even if they have the most geninue dedication. sigh. leave on a sad and tired note.

18 february 2001
writing. purpose? communication. what happens when you find out that you are a hypocrite? denial? that's silly. i went to the metropolitan museum today. i always emphasize the need to expand your mind, experimenting with all kinds of intellectual forms. however, i noticed that i refuse to appreciate certain types of art. for example, i overlook furniture, armory, and most of medieval art. how sad. i always considered myself as someone who loves art. sigh. luckily, i am starting to get into musical, that makes up a little bit. my goal, to stimulate myself in all kinds of art next time i am at the met. promise. burden or commitment? before i started college, i made a promise to myself, not to ask my mother for any money. unfortunately, recently i asked her to give me money because there's absolutely no way i can pay for all my medical bill. sigh. despite this, the important fact is that one tried his best to keep the promise. that's what matttered. amorphous concept. never in a fixed form. fuck i say. i want something concrete, to be assurance. ignorance. blind faith yet confidence in your friends. things cannot always be the same even the best of friendships. however, just because things are not the same, it doesn't mean that things are worst. maybe they are better. maybe they are just different. afraid? change is scary. uncertaintiy plauges us. quoting my favorite teacher of all time, michelle dent (hahahaha, just kidding john, she's not my favorite teacher) confusion creates progress. pleasantly, i feel content with my friends. i'm just a demanding bitch who's never satisified, but fortunately, i have wonderful friends to put up with me. =). short update, need sleep

17 february 2001
wow, six whole days without updating. you wonder what in the world happened? lots actually! trust me, i'm not exaggerating this time. my life flashed before my eyes. prepare yourself for a long daily comment. let me think in retrospect. tuesday. left class early at 12:00 and rushed my lazy ass all the way to 3 world financial center for lehman brother's pre-employment stuff. damn, it was lots of stuff. it took me a hour just to fill out paperwork. did a drug test (urine in a cup then pour into a tube), i was thinking how easy it would have been to cheat the test. think about it, just borrow use someone else's pee and warm it up in the restroom by placing the urine in the sink with warm water surrounding it. warm it to the right temperature and place it in the cup. so easy. anyway, i find out on tuesday (my first official day as an intern). hopefully i passed or else my roommate is going to be chopped limp by limp and give me a hacksaw, off with his tongue. yes, i'm violent. muahahahahaha. if you are wondering why i am talking so much non-sense, it is because i am drugged right now. you'll understand why soon enough. i also got all ten of my fingers stamped- fingerprinted just in case i steal something, they can trace me. and they took a picture of my handsome face for a photo id. so in a week, i will have a ID that gives me access to 3 world financial center. that's so tight (as muffadal would say). but the best part is that i'm going to get paid $14 a hour. but it is quite scary because i have real responsibilities now. i can't leave work until i finish the financial report. that's such a new concept. usually for work, you leave whenever your time is up. no more. this makes me wonder about something, is a large organization destined to have bureaucracy? some might argue that you can be efficient and have a large corporation. but to some degree the size of it slows everything down. look at the government. yes, i'm at republican so i'm in favor of reducing the size of government. but in a way, it is necessary for people like me. the curse of power. whenever you have power, you will always try to expand it, even at other's people expense. this holds true for everyone and every organization. ms. crisic always says, "power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely." thus, it is important to have a check on that power. but my new idea is this: i'm starting to believe that the world has a fixed amount of intellectual/power space. my increase is prohibiting or reducing other people's space. even if you are not stepping on other people, the success of your life is limiting other's people chances to become successful. how can one be a genuine humanitarian? i can only think of ultimate religious leaders. maybe that's why they are so revered in society. they are true humanitarians. christ and buddha for example dedicated their lives to help other people increase their "space" even if it is at the expense of their own space. i mean, jesus gave up his life so the space of all christian exponentially increases. you know what i mean. a theory i'm currently pondering over. you'll get a update on that whenever i figure something out. quite interesting huh. well, here's the drama of the week as lauren would say. thanks lauren, seriously, for all your care. thursday night, i went to nyu dental school immediately after work to get my wisdom tooths pulled. the annoying part was that they (nyu dental) raised the price by 300 dollars. if i did it first semester, it would have been $300 cheaper. walnut people better appreciate me going back for thanksgiving instead of getting my tooth pulled. just playing, i miss you guys too much not to go back. oh yeah, thank kristen for coming with me. so i got two of my wisdom tooth pulled by a resident (not a real dentist). he successfully pulled out the top wisdom tooh but had real problems taking out the bottom one. he had to use the drill several times, taking out a lot of bone. finally after forty minutes, he got it out. afterwards, he thought about it and realized that he could have did it another way to avoid all the drilling. stupid guy! it wasn't too painful. i was thinking about my bill- $675 during the operation. so i went home and rested. and went to sleep around midnight. i woke up around 2:30am and my mouth started bleeding. i tried to ignore it for, thinking it would go away, it didn't. then i started to get gauzes (the dentist gave me some) and put it in my mouth. tried to apply pressure, but the bleeding wouldn't stop. i kept on trying, then i was like, i'll go to sleep, maybe it will go away. it didn't. kept on trying forever and ever. finally it slowed for a while but somehow it started again. finally at 4:30am, the blood was just spurting out of my mouth. my gauzes run out, i had to use my face towel and cut it into small pieces. and each piece of cloth became saturated with blood instantly. i finally decided to go to the emergency room thinking that i probably wouldn't have too much blood in my body to last until 8:00am when the dentist office opened. went to NYU medical hospital, and the nurse injected pain killers and forced me to apply pressure on my wound. finally it stopped. however, during the process i vomited literally buckets and buckets of old, clogged up blood. i swallowed so much blood from 2:00am to 5:00am. the doctors were quite shocked. they decided to pump my stomach: to get out all the remaining old blood and to make sure i didn't have a ulcer (if the pump picked up new blood, then i would have internal ulcer). let me tell you, it was so painful. they lubricate a tube and force it up your nose and down your throat. i had the thing in my stomach for two whole hours. all this time i a tube in the back of my throat pumping stuff out. it was horrible. finally, i was telling the doctor that i wanted to leave cause i felt better, but he wanted to make sure i didn't have internal bleeding so he sent me to a stomach specialist (it was a more professional term but i forgot). the specialist probed my stomach. luckily, this time, he knocked me out. it was so weird of an experience. after all this, i came back home. and slept all of friday night. two weird thing during ER. the atmosphere in ER is so weird. for the first time, i realized the satisfaction of being a doctor. the three doctors i worked with during ER were so nice. they had such a smile even though they were so busy. they were glad to help me. making sure that everything was okay. it was so reassuring. in essence, they are really saving people's life. it is such a fulfilling job. all the patients loved their doctors. most of the patients were old and they had real diseases and issues with their bodies. most of them were cheerful and optimistic. inspired me. i want to be like that when i'm old. i don't want to be someone who feared death and whimper in the face of it. the other funny thing was that shang was hit on by a black guy who worked there. it was so funny. i wasn't really sure for a while, because i thought maybe he was just extra friendly. but now that i think of it, he was hitting on me. he even gave me his phone number. hahahahaha. damn, i'm sexy. unfortunately for him, i don't swing that way. actually i don't swing anyway. i'm in-sexual. i don't like girls or guys. maybe is because i haven't found a nice girl in new york city yet. hopefully i will soon and get into a nice relationship and have someone to be mentally connected to. recently i was browsing in "stuff" magazine's 101 most sexiest women (thanks erren). i realized that i'm not really attracted to vulgar, naked, big tities kind of girls. all the girls i clipped out had a strange personality of their own. a certain attitude that i can't explain. here's a short list of the girls i cut out. i'm probably going to scan them and put them in the gallery. oh yeah, visit the bizarre gallery (i updated it). bizarre gallery. here's the list. aalyiah, anglina jolie, actually, i don't know the names of half the girls i cut out. but they have the appealing, mysterious beauty to them. i'm going to sleep now, i just took pain killers (percet) penicillin, and steroids (for the swelling). getting real drowsy. i need to finish my housing application and call my dad later. why am i telling you this. damn, i really need sleep. signing off. leave me a message message board.

11 february 2001
i am extremely frustrated right now. so this update is going to be a little angry sounding. ahhh. fuck. this weekend has been pretty good. actually did stuff but not homework. this whole semester i have done perhaps 10 hours of homework total. so i am so behind. four weeks behind actually in all my classes. i can't get myself to focus on my homework. fuck. friday, i got a email from my future boss at lehman brothers. i think i am going to start this week, very scary. i hope i meet expectations. quite funny how all our life we are trying to meet expectations of other people. or it seems like that. very tiring actually. yet, it is so rewarding when we know that we met expectations. the irony. i saw the movie "pelican brief" it was a decent movie but very cliche. i'm a very passive movie watcher. most people are like me. we don't think about the movie, we just watch it and enjoy it (except the really horrible movies). very relaxing. but we often miss the point of the movie. we don't intellectually examine the movie and its implications. reminds me of that quote- "ignorance is bliss." it sounds more appealing these days... or actually just now. saturday morining i actually did community service. even though it can be frustrating doing community service, it is very rewarding. i talked to these high school juniors about the college process. nice to help people out! one of the high school student told me of a dim sum place since i am completely lost in chinatown over here. also, i finally went out of my dorm on saturday. went ice skating in central park! it was nice and fun- great scenery. supposedly, i'm a pretty good ice skater (didn't fall on my ass) according to John Rhee, the best ice skater i know. he even has his own ice skating shoes. thanks erren for the belated birthday present. it is so enjoyable. the food and the snacks and yup, the "stuff" magazine. feminists always accuse males of degrading women with these magazines that display almost (near) naked ladies. but we appreciate the girls as pieces of art. is like god damn, they are much nicer to look at then some paintings. for example, the anglina jolie picture i was "trying" to upload is such a piece of art. she is so god damn sexy. even though one doesn't need to have a girl in life to be happy, it certainly fuckin helps. sigh. damn cathy lee who has a someone! fuck you. i'm not mad, just jealous. damn everyone out there who has someone. ahhhhh! yes, shang is going through the "i want a girlfriend" phase. i don't think i want a girl, just a female partner i can hang out with all the time. sigh. about the summer situation. this is what i think i am going to do. school ends on may 1st for me. i am going to stay here till the end of june so i can get a good job and build my resume. then go home to walnut from july to late august. because school start late august. good ideas you guys? need some input because i am very unsure of what i should do! i went to eat dim sum today (sunday) with erin. it was very enjoyable. the food in chinatown is not very good. probably because i don't know the "good" restaurants yet. well, the funny story is that we sat in a table with four other people. two white guys and two asian guys. they were a group. one of the asian guy was gay but was very friendly. he was like you should try this and that. it is funny. it made me think that we are so lucky to be in a society where mutual tolerance exists. people might not agree with each others, but we try our best to tolerate each other. yes, discrimination still exists in america, but tolerance also exist. we should appreciate that. focus the hardest thing to find once you lose it. i tried to do my essay but i couldn't. so i tried to get "control" of my life by trying to scan pictures and upload them on my site but god damn, i spent two hours and i was very unsuccessful. well i do scan them, you guys can check them out. oh yeah, i'm going to do the music section. you guys can get music from there but just remember that mp3 are not allowed. so i'm trying to think of a way to get around it. what i was going to say about "control" was that people like to be in control. we do whatever we can to find some type of control in life. for me right now is typing this daily comment. it relaxes me and relive myself of frustration. this is why people love power. is bestows upon us control over something. and usually control over other human beings is even better because it eliminates the uncertainity in life. however, the gain of power also eliminates the pleasant surprises in life.

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