Presidential Candidates (L to R) Gary Bauer, Pat Buchanan, Steve Forbes, and an unidentified figure carrying mystery "Rod of Wisdom".
|Candidates Finally Weigh In
On Matters of National Importance--
Washington D.C. (SPI). In what is sure to be the most significant event in modern American history, candidates for president expressed their beliefs of whether evolution or creationism should be taught in public schools.
Spurred by recent headlines concerning schools in Kansas deciding to de-emphasize the teaching of the oft-times controversial scientific theory, Republican and Democratic candidates alike responded to public outcry and addressed this pressing issue.
Steve Forbes and Gary Bauer both approached the issue with genuine trepidation. Forbes called textbook emphasis on evolution "a massive fraud", while Bauer noted that he doesn not teach his children that they are "descendant from apes." (NOTE: Political pundits and zoologists around America note that it is quite more likely that Bauer is likely a mutation from the chimpanzee familiy.) Other candidates minced words far less.
Elizabeth Dole, John McCain, and Al Gore all bravely suggested that local school boards should decide, not the federal government. George W. Bush added that both are "valid educational subjects."
But will this stance help the nation solve its lesser ills? When asked how he would help the nation's poor in "Welfare To Work" programs if elected president, Bauer responed, "Well, I'd sure as heck stop giving all the cushy jobs to those apes!"
Former Senator Pat Leahy (D-VT) "comes out", revealing the secret identity that Washington insiders had long suspected. He will head the newest crime fighting division of the department of justice.
|Justice Department Enlists The
Help of Superheroes--
Washington, D.C. (SPI). In an effort to fight the "nationwide culture of violence that engulfs our nation", President Clinton announced today the creation of the "Federal Superheroes Bureau" (FSB).
Clinton has requested that more than $4 billion dollars be allocated to the FSB program in the next budget to be sent to Congress. It is doubtful that figure will be approved, even though the bulk of it would be spent on development of an "invisible plane" to be used by an as of yet unidentified female superhero.
The department would under the control of the Department of Justice, but it is unclear as to how much control would be exerciced by local "wonder woman" Attorney General Janet Reno. What is clear, though, is that former Senator Patrick Leahy (VT) would be the surprise choice to head the FSB.
Clinton took the opportunity to "out" Leahy as being the legendary superhero Batman. "A grateful nation thanks "Pat-man" for his years of dutiful service." Leahy added two points for the record.
"First, I'd like to thank Bruce Wayne for taking so much of the heat off of me all these years. Without his desire to protect my identity and fight crime in not only New York but nationwide, this would not have been possible."
He continued, "And secondly, I'd like to clearup any confusion that the moronic press has caused over the past few decades. It was always supposed to be "PAT-man". C'mon! Its a literary device, for goodness sakes! A play on words, if you will. I expect you to get it straight from now on!"
Leahy added later that he is no longer actively fighting crime, but has passed the torch to a new generation of crimefighter.
However, Leahy refused to confirm whether or not his "longtime companion" and sidekick "Robin" had been New Yorker Rep. Barney Frank (D).
Sen. Fred Thomspon (R-TN) escapes injury from a swab that was described as "cottony soft".
|Thompson Unhurt By Giant Cotton
Washington, D.C. (SPI): Senator Fred Thompson (R-TN) narrowly escapted injury Tuesday during a Senate sub-committee hearing on aging. While listening to testimony, the former actor was stunned when a 4 foot long cotton swab grazed his head. Walter Puty, a freelance photographer from Newport News, VA, caught the assault on film.
"The Senator had just asked a question about the rising costs of medical supplies for the elderly and what the expert (Cyrus Everest, of the American Medical Association) thought should be done about it. Suddenly, this odd looking little man man jumps up and shouts something about price gouging and thrusts the big ol' swab right at Thompson."
The photograph clearly shows the attack of the assailant and the narrow miss of the ear canal. Emergency Medical Technicians called to the scence (who asked to remain unidentified) guessed that had the instrument found its mark, Thompson would have had "one b*tch of a lobotomy", possibly causing a major shift of power within the Senate.
Thompson was treated and released at a local D.C. area hospital. The swab-wielding maniac, identified as Horace Stimpson, was held for observation and named D.C. area chairman of the Libertarian Party.
Maggie protects her synthetic (but very dead) mouse.
Maggie surveys the back yard for evening intruders.
Anna relaxes at the breakfast room table.
|July 4th Edition||End of July (AT Trip)||Mid-August Edition|
A Spivey's World Exclusive: Appalachian Trail Trip": Here it is!! A brief detailing of the trip just recently concluded by this publication. Be sure to check out the photographs, too.
Spivey's World: Links. (updated 8/14/99)
Spivey's World: Movies. (updated 8/1/99) Some movie reviews, as well as "The List" (of my favorite movies, which is ever-changing).
Spivey's World: Music. (updated 8/1/99) Some new additions to the play rotation in SW.
Spivey's World: Sports. This site is on hiatus
for now. 'Gotta problem with that, mate?