Thanks to my dear friends who shared these
wonderful jokes with me.
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The following are actual excerpts from classified sections of
> Illiterate? Write today for free help.
> Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once,
> you'll never go anywhere again.
> Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard,
> meals, and smacks included.
> Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
> Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to
> Stock up and save. Limit: one.
> Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
> 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience
> Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom
> for efficient beating.
> Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion.
> Blue Cross and salary.
> Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25;
> Children $2.00
> For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and
> large drawers.
> Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra
> pair to take home, too.
> We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it
> carefully by hand.
> For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
> Great Dames for sale. Have several very old dresses from
> grandmother in beautiful condition.
> Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. Get rid of
> aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.
> Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates.
> Automatically burns toast.
> For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
> Man, honest. Will take anything.
> Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.
> Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find
> Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.
> Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
> Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
> Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to
> assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of
> contributing to growth of family.
> And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in
> variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
> We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your
> home for $1.00.
> Deborah Allenger
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Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal,
the following are questions
actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain
cases, the responses given by
1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next
2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"
5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
6. "Did he kill you?"
7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"
10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"
11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
Q: "How many were boys?"
Q: "Were there any girls?"
12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't
A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"
14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"
15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"
16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."
21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."
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Two drunk people were walking down a small alley when they noticed that they can't walk through the alley
together. They decide to push the wall a little bit
further back so they can walk through it at the same time.
So, they take off their jackets and start "pushing the wall",
someone notices what they are doing, so he comes and
steals the jackets and runs away. One of them looks
back and notices that the jackets were missing so
he says to his friend "Hold it Hold it! we went too
far, pull the wall back a little!"
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1. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the
> self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the
> 2. Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in
> charge of everything outdoors?
> 3. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
> 4. Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
> 5.. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
> 6. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have
> monkeys and apes?
> 7. Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
> 8. Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
> 9. Do married people live longer than single people or does
> it just SEEM longer?
> 10. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers,
> why are they all still working?
> 11. Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe
> Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
> 12. How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always
> ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
> 13. Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing
> liquid contains real lemons?
> 14. Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
> 15. Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
> 16. Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
> 17. Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?
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1. Comment "Pooh,
2. Complement people on their shoes.
3. Introduce yourself to the person in the next stall. Strike up a
4. Provide 'strenuous' sound-effects.
5. Ask the person in the next stall if there's anything swimming in THEIR
6. Discuss the pros and cons of laxatives.
7. Scream " Oh my GOD! What the hell is THAT?"
8. Simulate a drug deal.
9. Pretend to fall in (with appropriate sound effects).
10. Roll Easter Eggs under the doors.
11. Start a sing-a-long.
12. Act schizophrenically.
13. Knock on the doors of occupied stalls and ask if there is anyone in
there. If so, ask if they are busy....
14. Masquerade as a door-to-door salesman.
15. Ask loudly "When does the movie start?"
16. Write 'nerdy' graffitti like "Please wash your hands. Thank you."
17. Kick in stall doors, camera in hand.
18. Pour water over the stall door onto occupant.
19. Say Oops missed while syringing water out around the bowl and under the
walls and door into other stalls.
20. Fake an or****.
21. At night, switch off the lights.
22. Run around naked yelling "Where's the fish?"
23. Collect a door charge.
24. Ask "Is there a doctor in the house?"
25. Impersonate Elvis. Be convincing.
26. Ask whether anyone can see your pet sewer rat/river python/axolotl.
27. Write essay questions on the toilet paper.
28. Put cling-film (Glad Wrap) over the toilet bowl.
29. Offer refreshments.
30. Replace rolls of toilet paper with rolls of sand paper.
31. Run in, yelling "Free Willy!"
32. Charge admission.
33. Electrify metal urinals.
34. Leave a ladle in the toilet bowl.
35. One word: GOLDFISH.
36. Make a jello in the bowl.
37. Place a sign advertising "Driver's side airbags" as standard.
38. Remove stall doors.
39. Glue seat and cover down to bowl.
40. Place signs warning of 24 hour video surveillance.
41. Make stall doors lockable only from the OUTSIDE.
42. Put itching powder on the toilet seats.
43. Leave a fried egg floating in the bowl.
44. Replace soap in dispenser with custard.
45. Completely soak the towel in the towel dispenser, or the paper towels
46. Make kitty litter trays that fit into toilet bowls. Install.
47. Replace condoms in vending machine with tampons (or vice versa).
48. In one stall, attach the toilet bowl to roof. (Advice for young players: Don't leave the water in while you do...... this)
49. Create a crime scene complete with police tape and chalk silhouette.
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>>>1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
>>>2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex
>>> to other passengers.
>>>3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering:
>>> "Shut up, all of you, just shut UP!"
>>>4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
>>>5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
>>>6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of
>>> the elevator.
>>>8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside
>>> ask: "Got enough air in there?"
>>>9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear
>>> yours upside-down.
>>>10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall,
>>> without getting off.
>>>11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the
>>> doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
>>>12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol
>>>13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake
>>> and ask them to call you Admiral.
>>>14. One word: Flatulence!
>>>15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it
>>> stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the
>>> shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
>>>16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
>>>17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then
>>> announce: "I've got new socks on!"
>>>18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back:
>>> "Oh, not now, stupid motion sickness!"
>>>19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
>>>20. Meow occasionally.
>>>21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
>>>22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
>>>23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
>>>24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
>>>25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
>>>26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
>>>27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one
>>> of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
>>>28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
>>>29. Leave a box between the doors.
>>>30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for
>>>31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
>>>32. Start a sing-along.
>>>33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your
>>>34. Play the harmonica.
>>>35. Shadow box.
>>>36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
>>>37. Lean against the button panel.
>>>38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
>>>39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
>>>40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the
>>> other passengers that this is your "personal space.
>>>41. Bring a chair along.
>>>42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see
>>> wha in muh mouf?"
>>>43. Blow spit bubbles.
>>>44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
>>>45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
>>>46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
>>>47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
>>>48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
>>>49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
>>>50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
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1. At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as
to give the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the
waiter, who reaches for it.
2. Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the
restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table.
3. Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.
4. Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their
5. Repeat every third third word you say say.
6. Give your claim to fame as being voted "Most Festerous" for
your high school yearbook.
7. Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.
8. Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly.
9. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know
what they are talking about.
10. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms
outstretched, and make airplane sounds.
11. Order a bucket of lard.
12. Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well
in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.
13. Howl and whistle at womens' legs, especially if you are
14. Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.
15. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date
begins talking about themselves.
16. Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme.
17. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live
18. Without asking, eat off your date's plate. Eat more from
their plate than they do.
20. Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and
21. Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed
in front of you.
22. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head
waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different
part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date
finally finds you, ask him/her "What in the hell took you so
long in the restroom?!?"
23. Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to
24. Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their
25. Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep
bringing the subject up.
26. Ask your date how much money they have with them.
27. Order for your date. Order something nasty.
28. Communicate in mime the entire evening.
29. Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the
windows, where you have a you have a good view of all exits,
and where you can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.
30. Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs.
31. Hum. Loudly. In monotone.
32. Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt and
pepper shakers, silverware, floral arrangements... i.e
anything on the table that isn't bolted down.
33. Hold a debate. Take both sides.
34. Undress your date verbally. Use a bullhorn.
35. Auction your date off for silverware.
36. Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.
37. Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the waiter brings
your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the
waiter for the potato you "never got". When the waiter
returns with another potato for you, have the first one back
up on the plate. Repeat later in the meal.
38. Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments.
39. Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on
tape, and use good judgement in editing to twist their words
40. Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.
41. Speak in pig latin throughout the meal (Or ubber-dubber
language, or just nonsense).
42. Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to
the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one
of the chairs. Insist that they just need airing out.
43. If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the
menu. Take one bite.
44. Bring 20 or so candles you, and during the meal get up
and arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant.
45. Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're taking
them home to your invalid, senile old mother, because it's a
lot cheaper than actually feeding her.
46. Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.
47. Take a thermos along, and hide it under the table. Order
coffee, and fill the thermos one cup at a time, taking advantage
of the free refills.
48. Insist that the waiter cuts your food into little pieces. In
a similar vein, insist that he take a bite of everything on
the plate, to make sure no one poisoned it.
49. Accuse your date of espionage.
50. Make odd allusions to dangerous religious cults.
51. Don't use any verbs during the entire meal.
52. Pass the hat in the restaurant. Use the proceeds (if any) to
pay the bill.
53. Break wind loudly. Add color commentary. Bow.
54. Feed imaginary friends, or toy dolls you've brought along.
55. Bring a bucket along. Explain that you frequently get ill.
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- Consider themselves well dressed if their socks match.
- Buy their spouses a set of matched screwdrivers for their
- Wear moustaches or beards for "efficiency". Not because they're lazy.
- Have a non-technical vocabulary of 800 words. *Think a "biting wit" is
their fox terrier.
- Know the second law of thermodynamics - but not their own shirt size.
- Repair their own cameras, telephones, televisions, watches, and automatic
- Say "It's 70 degrees Fahrenheit, 25degrees Celsius, and 298 degrees
Kelvin" and all you say is "Isn't it a nice day"
- Give you the feeling you're having a conversation with a dial tone or
- Wear badges so they don't forget who they are.
- Sometimes a note is attached saying "Don't offer me a ride today. I drove
my own car".
- Politics run towards acquiring a parking space with their name on it and
an office with a window.
- Rotate their tires for laughs.
- Will make four sets of drawings (with seven revisions) before making a
- Briefcases contain a Phillips screwdriver, a copy of "Quantum Physics".and
a half of a peanut butter sandwich.
- Don't find the above at all funny.
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A programmer had been missing from work for over a week when finally
someone noticed and called the cops. They went round to his flat and
broke the door down. They found him dead in the still running shower
with an empty bottle of shampoo next to his body. Apparently he'd been
washing his hair.
The instructions on the bottle said:
1.Wet hair 2.Apply shampoo 3.Lather 4.Rinse 5.Repeat
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