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A lion in the marwell zoo was lazing in the sun and licking it's arse when a visitor turned to the zoo keeper and said "that's a docile old thing isn't it? "No way!" said the keeper, "it is the most ferocious beast in the zoo. why just an hour ago it dragged Kieran Earl into the cage and completely devoured him" . "Hardly seems possible" said the astonished vistor. "But why is he lying there licking his arse?" "The poor thing is trying to get the taste out of his mouth" said the keeper
Whats the difference between a woman for Hythe & Dibden and the abominable snowman? One is over seven feet tall, smelly, knuckles dragging across the ground and covered in hair .The other is a North American legend
A Hythe & Dibden fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his teams football shirt. He knocks on the pearly gates and out walks St Peter in a Fawley scarf. "Hello " says St Peter, "I'm sorry, no Hythe & Dibden fans in heaven" "WHAT?" exclaims the man, astonished. "You heard, no scum fans." "But, but, but, I've been a good man", replies the scumbag. "Oh really", says St Peter "What have you done, then?" "Well" said the guy, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 pounds to the starving children in Africa". "Oh" says St Peter "anything else?" "Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 pounds to the homeless" "Hmmm. Anything else?" "Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 pounds to the Albanian orphans." "Okay", said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while I have a word with the Boss." Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here's your thirty quid back.
Q: What's Orange and Red and looks good on Hythe & Dibden players? A: Fire
The government have agreed to fund 3 new mental asylums. There will be onen Manchester, one in North London and they're going to put a roof over Hythe & Dibden.
Q: What's long, hard & screws women from Hythe & Dibden? A: An IQ test.
Two Hythe fans... sorry, BOTH Hythe fans were driving to Disneyland when they saw a sign that read, 'Disneyland Left' so they turned round and went home.
Q: What do Hythe & Dibden players use for birth control? A: Their personalities.
Q: If you see a Hythe & Dibden player on a bicycle , why should you never swerve to hit him? A; It might be your bicycle.
The Hythe & Dibden manager was getting worried that all his players were rubbish, so he phoned up a decent manager to ask for advice. Martin Hall explained that he got all the Fawley players to dribble round cones, thus improving their close ball control. He suggested the Hythe & Dibden manager try this. Two weeks later, Martin rang back to see how the they were coping with the new system. When he answered the phone, though, the Hythe manager was still annoyed. "Didn't my suggestion work?" asked Martin. "Flaming cones beat us 3-0" the Hythe & Dibden manager muttered.
A man meets a friend and sees that his friends car is a total write off and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friends what happened to his car. 'Well' the friend replies 'I ran over Michael May' 'OK' says the man 'that explains the blood ... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?' 'Well, he tried to escape through the park.'
Q: Whats got lots of wheels, is green, yellow and funny? A: A bus load of Hythe & Dibden players going over a cliff.
Q: What do you have when you've got 10 Hythe & Dibden players buried up to their necks in sand? A: Not enough sand.
Q: Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? A: They had pictures of Hythe & Dibden players on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
Q: You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and Michael May. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? A: Shoot Michael May. Twice.
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a Kieran Earl in the road? A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q. How would you stop Hythe & Dibden player from drowning? A. Take your foot off his head.
Fawley play Hythe & Dibden in the Challenge Cup and Martin and the lads are having a chat in the dressing room before the match. "Look guys, I know they're shite..", explains Martin, "but we have to play them to keep the FA happy". "I'll tell you what..", pipes up Elliott, "You guys go down pub and I play them on my own, how is that for you?". "Seems reasonable.", replies Mart and the other lads, and with that they all go down the Yeoman and start playing pool. After an hour or so, Deluchi remembers the match and flicks the pub telly onto Ceefax: Fawley 1 (Elliott 10min), Hythe & Dibden 0 - is the scoreline. Confidently they resume their pool match for the next hour until switching back to Ceefax, the final score reads: Fawley 1 (Elliott 10min), Hythe & Dibden 1 Earl 89min). "WHAT!!",they exclaim and run back to Esso where they find Elliott sitting in the dressing room with his head in his hands, weeping. "What the hell happened, Adam?", bellows Martin. "Sorry lads", Elliott replies, "The Bloody ref sent me off in the 11th minute!"
Hythe & Dibden's new signing is from war torn Kosovo. After his first game for the club he phones his mum. "mum, its me, I'm having a terrible time. We lost 5-0, the team is crap, the crowds are small and the club is just rubbish" His mum sighs and says "You think you got problems, yesterday your Father was shot and wounded, our house fell down round our ears and your sister was molested" "well mum.. I did tell you not to move over here with me!"
The Hythe & Dibden manager is trying to improve the mental strength of his players. So he asks them to do mentally challenging tests after training. He looks around the room and he see's most the squad doing crosswords and playing Chess. He then goes over to Simon Bird who is hunched over a table. "what the hell are you doing" asks the manager. "hi boss, I'm doing a jigsaw puzzle, but its really really hard, I know the picture on the box is a Chicken but I can't get any of the pieces to fit" the manager shakes his head in disbelief as he picks up the box of Kelloggs Cornflakes.
What do you call a Hythe & Dibden player with half a brain?...... Gifted
I was in the back seat of my car with my girlfriend last night. Things were getting a bit steamy. She said "Oh darling, kiss me where it smells". So I drove her to Hythe & Dibden.
The Hythe & Dibden manager was mistakenly rushed to hospital after he was heard complaining about a bad side.
Q. What's the difference between a Hythe & Dibden fan and a trampoline? A. You take your shoes off to jump on the trampoline
Q. What's the difference between a Hythe & Dibden fan and a coconut? A. One's thick and hairy, the other is a tropical fruit
Fire brigade phones the Hythe & Dibden manager in the early hours of Sunday morning..."Sir, Jones Lane Club House is on fire!" "The cups man! Save the cups!" screams the manager... "Uh, the fire hasn't spread to the canteen yet, sir."
The seven dwarves are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In the distance a voice shouts out "Hythe & Dibden are good enough to get promoted" Snow White says "Well at least Dopey's alive!"
A burglary was recently committed at Jones Lane Club House and the entire contents of the trophy room were stolen. The police are looking for a man with a green carpet.
Q. How many Hythe & Dibden fans does it take to change a light bulb? A. None, they don't yet have electricity in Hythe & Dibden.
Q. What is the difference between a battery and someone from Hythe & Dibden? A. A battery has a positive side.
Q. What's the difference between Jones Lane and Stonehenge? A. One is a simple ancient structure, which defies attempts to explain its origin, and the other's in Wiltshire.
Four surgeons are taking a tea break:
1st surgeon says "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
2nd surgeon says "Nope, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
3rd surgeon says "Well you should try electricians. Everything inside them is colour coded."
4th surgeon says "I prefer Hythe & Dibden players. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and a**es are interchangeable."