The information on this page and the links on this page are not a substitute for professional counselling. If you have difficulty controling your anger, you should seek professional counselling.

People who are in counselling should discuss the content of these pages with their counsellor or physician, before attempting any of the strategies discussed. At times we feel angry, because we feel our self worth has been attacked. When you feel yourself starting to get angry, remind yourself that your self worth does not come from people, situations or events.

You are worthwhile strictly because you exist. Your value cannot be increased or decreased by anything you do or by anything anybody does to you. Nobody can take away your self worth without your permission. We tend to think an act causes an emotion. That is not true. Acts and events in our lives do not cause emotion. For example, one day a little old lady is driving 60 in an 80 zone. You cannot get around her. At first, you feel frustration. But soon the frustration passes. You arrive at your destination, a little late, but calm, cool and relaxed. A few days later, you get caught on the same road, behind a slow driver. And you become enraged. You curse and yell at the slow driver. The difference between the two days is what takes place in your mind. Your thoughts create the difference.

(Acts or Events) + (Beliefs or Thoughts) = Emotions

We have little control over the events in our lives or how others act. We can, however, have some control our beliefs and our thoughts. We can change the emotions we feel by changing our beliefs and our thoughts.

Pain, frustration and suffering are compulsory in life. We cannot escape them. We do not have to choose misery. Misery is optional. As a rule, we tend to overlook positive things and dwell on and exaggerate the negative and over-generalize. When we do not notice the positive, focus on and exaggerate negative events and over-generalize, we set ourselves up for unpleasant emotions.

Take the example of being caught in traffic behind somebody who is driving very slow. I may exaggerate how bad the situation is, by thinking, "I will never get to work at this rate." Then I may over-generalize by muttering, "People are always doing this to me." And I will not see anything positive, such as the beauty of the countryside or the neighborhood. All I do is focus my attention on my frustration.

Whenever you find yourself looking only at the bad side, thinking this "always happens to me" and expecting the most dire results possible, you will experience unpleasant emotions. In short, you may well get totally pissed off.

The good news - we can identify the thoughts and beliefs that cause us to get angry. We can replace those beliefs with beliefs that do not result in our feeling such strong and negative emotions. On the next page, are some common beliefs that can result in anger and other painful emotions. As you read each of the illogical beliefs that can cause unhappiness ask yourself the following questions:

1. Does this belief sound logical?
2. Does life actually work like that?
3. What things do not support this belief?
4. Do the people I know who do not share this illogical appear happier than I am? Then replace the illogical belief with a belief that makes more sense and that helps you cope with life's events.

Some thoughts or beliefs that can cause unpleasant emotions.	Some thoughts and beliefs that can help us cope with unpleasant emotions.
People should agree with me.	I feel safe when people agree with me, but I can learn from people who disagree with me.
People must share my life values.	I feel more comfortable with people who share my life values. People with other values are still valuable people.
People must respect me.	It does not feel good when people do not respect me. Not everybody will respect me. I can respect myself even when others do not respect me.
People must attend my church or share my faith tradition.	People have a God-given right to attend any church. I can learn from people who do not share my faith tradition.
People should be polite to me.	Not everybody is polite. When people are rude, they are really saying bad things about (insulting) themselves not about me.
People should understand my needs, without my telling them.	People cannot read my mind. The only way they can meet my needs is for me to express my needs.
People should drive fast enough that I can get where I need to go on time.	Other drivers have different needs. The slow driver may not feel safe or be safe driving any faster.
People must agree with my political or religious beliefs.	I enjoy being around people who agree with me, but I can learn from people who do not agree with me.
People must not make fun of me or call me names.	My value does not depend on what others think of me. I can respect myself when others do not respect me.
Important people in my life must approve of me.	Nobody can force me to like or approve of people. Others are allowed the freedom to not accept me.
My peers must think highly of me.	I feel worthwhile when people think highly of me, but my worth is not determined by what people think of me.
People who I love must return my love.	People won't always return my love. It hurts when people don't love me. My value and worth are not determined by people approving of me or loving me.
People must have the same sexual orientation I have.	A member of my sex thinking I am attractive does not make me any less masculine or any less feminine. Gay people are not a threat to my orientation.
I must never appear foolish in public.	I prefer to look competent, but it is not a tragedy if I appear foolish.
People must not sin. If they do, it is terrible.	It is human to sin. Sins can be forgiven and people can learn from their sins.
I must be successful.	Nobody is always successful. People are not able to do outstanding work in all aspects of life. True success is measured by how satisfied one is with life, not by grades, wealth or fame.
The school must treat me right.	The school will not always treat me right. People representing my school will make mistakes. I can cope when I am not treated right.
People must think well of me and like me.	I like it when people like me and think good things about me. People have a right to like the people they choose to like. I can accept myself when others do not accept me.
People should not ask me to do things I do not like doing.	I cannot expect people to know what I like doing and what I do not like doing. Not all tasks in life are enjoyable. At times, I will need to do things I do not want to do. I can enjoy life, even when there are some unpleasant duties to perform.

Albert Ellis Institute. Rational-emotive therapy, a form of cognitive therapy, can assist people who struggle have difficulty controlling their anger. The Albert Ellis institute is one of the pioneers of cognitive therapy. Information about cognitive therapy and a list of rational-emotive therapists around the world can be found on the Albert Ellis Institute's web Site.

Controlling Anger. Article on the American Psychological Association web site. Article includes information on what anger is, anger management, anger management strategies and if you need counselling. Mental Health Net. This internet site has a textbook on psychology on the internet.

The chapter on Anger and Aggression discusses recognizing anger, theories and facts about anger, mental processes that result in anger, relationships and anger, methods for coping with anger, dealing with aggressive people, and strategies to cope with violence or bullying.

A Christian Perspective on anger.