"Sissy," muttered Soozin.
"Truck Driver!" yelled Tapert back, still angry that she had left him alone
and defenseless in Fifth-usia.
"Why is this happening to me?" the executive sobbed as his blue hole began to grow. "I'm a powerful, creative, genius television executive producer. Why, oh, why, oh…"
"This guy is way clueless," sighed Colleen, shaking her head.
And then it was like the heavens opened and a chorus of television
executives sang in four-part harmony. Tapert realized what was going on.
The real reason for his trip to this island.
"Spin-off," he croaked. "I'm having a baby and it's Xena's baby because I'm telling myself -- through this dream that somehow turned into a
nightmare...probably because of mushrooms -- what the spin-off from Xena: Warrior Princess should be. That's it! Even my dreams are creative, money-making genius," he laughed hysterically.
Xena and Gabrielle exchanged worried glances. The executive's ramblings were definitely becoming stranger.
The blue hole continued to expand, taking up nearly all of Tapert's
mid-section. Something large and encased in a white, gooey substance
began wriggling out of the hole.
"Ow, ow, frickin' owie!" howled Tapert.
"Man, that blue hole is like Mary Poppins' purse on acid or something," said Colleen.
"Well, I guess we know how the baby's coming out now," said a wide-eyed Sean.
Xena grabbed hold of the wriggling case, which was like grabbing hold of a well-oiled lady mud wrestler.
"Having a problem there, Slick?" said the truck driver sarcastically.
Xena glared at Soozin as she finally managed to get a firm hold on the
gooey casing and began gently easing it out of the hole in Tapert's stomach. In the process, white goo was getting all over the Warrior Princess' hands, making them slippery and her grip precarious. With a small, wicked smile, Xena flung each hand around, launching the goo into the air where it landed upon the Survivors.
"Ewwwww," complained Gervase.
"Get that damn queer juice offa me!" bellowed Rudy.
"Missed me, missed me now ya gotta…" began Soozin just as a
spectacularly large glob of white goo hit her right between the eyes.
With her hands free of goo, Xena grabbed hold of the case again and
continued gently working it out of Tapert's tidy blue hole. Gabrielle worked to keep a now yowling Tapert as calm as possible.
"I know it hurts…" said Gabrielle.
"It doesn't hurt anymore, it's just frickin’ weird!!" screamed the executive.
The Warrior Princess gave one last tug and the gooey case came out with a final squelch.
Then Tapert's magical hole began to shrink until it simply closed up with a loud burp.
"Excuse you," said Sean.
"Thank god," cried a relieved Tapert who decided that a good faint was in
order and proceeded to do just that.
Gabrielle and Xena were trying to open the casing as something frantically struggled to get out.
"Xena, the baby might suffocate if we don't get it out of there," whispered
Gabrielle.
The duo could see what appeared to be the shape of hands and feet…but
they were having no luck getting through the case.
"I don't want to use my chakram, Gabrielle, it might hurt the baby," said
Xena.
Just then they noticed a protrusion in the white casing accompanied by a
small, ripping noise. Something sharp popped out and began to saw through the thick, white goo. Xena and Gabrielle glanced at each other.
Tapert regained consciousness.
"Hey!" he called weakly to Colleen. "Hey, did you see that? I'm the first
man in the history of the world to have a baby…I should use that on the
show. Where's my baby? Where's my little spin-off?" Tapert cooed. He
looked to Colleen. "I hope I can wake up from this nightmare now. I wanna go fishing."
"This can't possibly get any stranger," whispered Gabrielle to Xena.
Just then there was a mewling sound from the case where a face had
appeared in the rip. Impossibly beautiful eyes with long, dark eyelashes
peered up at the Survivors and the dynamic duo.
"Awww, such pretty, piercing blue eyes!" exclaimed Colleen. She stopped and looked over at Xena questioningly.
"I'm not the only person in the universe with blue eyes, you know," scowled Xena.
The rip elongated and they could now see a mouth that proceeded to speak.
"Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere's baby!" it said in a tiny, helium-inflected voice.
The crowd gasped. More of the baby's body appeared as it stepped from its gooey cocoon. There was complete and total silence.
"Ummm," said Gervase. "Are babies usually born with horns, tails, hooves, pitchforks, capable of speaking full sentences...and looking just like Rich?"
"It's like…a spawn of Rich," whispered a terrified Colleen. "Just tinier and
more overtly demonic."
"He looks like a centaur," said Xena dryly. "I didn't know they had centaurs in this world."
"Well," said Gabrielle, giving Xena a sideways glance. "I guess this proves you're not the daddy."
Tapert began to scream like a girl. "No! No! Xena's the daddy! Take it
back!" The executive scrambled up off the ground, backing away from the newborn hellchild.
"Daddy?" whimpered the DemonRichSpawn, tears in his big blue eyes.
"OK, this is officially the worst nightmare in the history of the universe,"
Tapert sobbed. He began slapping himself. "Wake up! Wake up!"
The executive threw himself at Xena. "If it wasn't you who gave me that
baby, who was it?!"
"I'd think that would be kind of obvious since the baby looks exactly like
Rich," said Colleen.
"Nooooo!" squealed Tapert. "It was Xena!!"
A startled Warrior Princess tried to hold onto the hysterical red-haired man, but he tore himself from her grasp and ran to the trees.
"Xena, we've got to…" began Gabrielle.
"I know," sighed Xena. "Help Tapert."
"I'm coming with you," declared Colleen.
"We need someone to stay and take care of the baby. Someone we can
trust," said Gabrielle.
"I will," bubbled Jenna. Gabrielle looked uncertain at the Survivor's offer.
"Look, I know I'm goofy and emotional…but I know how to take care of a
child," said Jenna, her feelings hurt.
Xena smiled, putting her hands on Jenna's shoulders. "Thank you. We know the baby will be safe with you."
"It's a good thing I drink lots of water or I'd be mighty dehydrated by now," cried Jenna as the water works started. "Thank you," the bikini-clad Survivor headed over to the baby DemonRichSpawn.
"He's got a headstart, we need to move fast," said Xena as the threesome headed into the jungle after Tapert.
on a log, quietly smashing walnuts between his thighs. The red-haired
executive screeched to a halt. He remembered his night with Xena -- or
whom he had thought was Xena -- and he suddenly realized the terrible
truth.
"Thighs...that could crush...walnuts," mewled the television executive,
shaking his head back and forth.
Rich winked at Tapert. "Thanks for a fabulous evening…lover boy."
"No," blubbered Tapert. "That night under the stars. It was you?"
"Allll me, baby stud muffin," replied Rich.
Tapert backed up in terror, tripping over a log and falling to the ground. He couldn't take his eyes off the smirking Rich.
"But, you…you pretended to be Xena."
"Oh, please, Robbie! Anyone would have recognized it was me," laughed
Rich. "I thought you just wanted me to play dress-up…like M. Butterfly"
"That's not fair. It's not even nice," cried Tapert.
"Whatever. It served the plot," shrugged Rich. "Just remember, Rob,
honey…you're mine now," the corpulent Survivor added ominously.
Tapert began screaming again, scrambling up and running from Rich.
Rich sighed, stood up and brushed away the walnut crumbs, heading back toward the Survivor camp. "Well, if I can't have Gabe, I guess I'll have to settle for Tapert being my bitch momma for awhile…ugh."
